Such a thing as a high needs baby?

[Pea2019]

I have a 6 weeks old who always has to be on me. If i try to put him down when he is asleep he will wake up and cry uncontrollably. We swaddle him of a night time and he will most of the time sleep in his cot next to our bed, but from about 5am he only settles in our bed (safe co-sleeping!). Two other mums i have met seem to have angelic babies who sleep in their pram when out, sleep in the bouncer during the day and happily spend time on their own playing. My baby will lay on his play mat laughing and cooing for about 20 mins max, and this is when i eat my breakfast!

The Health Visitor came yesterday and told me i should leave him to cry as he will think each time he cries i’ll pick him up (which i have been doing). My other friends have told me the same thing, leave him to cry, try and sooth him in his bouncer/cot with a dummy, stroke his face etc. I have tried this today but he remains inconsolable and gets what i call ‘real tears’ and genuinely upset.

Have i made him like this? Should i continue trying to get him to be like their babies and not need me so much or could it be that he just has higher needs than their babies?

There is definately such a thing as a high needs baby 100% I had one.

I just had to go with it, to save my sanity. There was no point in going against the grain.

We co slept, I put her in a sling and just did whatever needed doing. I had to tell a few people to butt out with their advice

She also had a milk allergy.

She is fine now. Thank goodness. But my god it was so so hard.

Also look up 4th Trimester as well as high needs.

My second was like that, he was only happy in the sling so I just kept him in the sling. He’s only 6 weeks, don’t leave the poor babe to cry! Read about 4th trimester, babies need that constant closeness. Good luck! I’m afraid my high needs baby turned into an exhausting high energy toddler. He’s more cheerful now but he just does not stop!

Don’t leave a 6 week old to cry! You want to pick him up because he needs to be picked up. He wants to be close to you, you were his home for 9 months, you’re still where he feels most comfortable and relaxed. You’re doing brilliantly, don’t let anyone tell you you’re spoiling him, that’s complete bollocks.

When he is older OP, you can think - he cried so I soothed him, he was hungry so I fed him, he wanted me, so I held him close.

No regrets then OP, you can honestly say that you did everything for him

I just made sure I had a careful balance of responding to my DS when he was that age but also making sure my needs were met (eating, needing the toilet, having a shower) and if he cried at those times I left him to it. If I wasn’t doing those things I’d pick him up

You have a normal baby. Mine was similar at that age except he never did the 20 minutes playmat thing. Only slept out and about in pram by himself mostly so other people might have thought he was angelic!
Don't leave him to cry - definitely not if he is inconsolable. Bit shocked that a health visitor advising you do that - my NHS advice was to respond to cries.

That is horrendous advice. Babies can't 'manipulate' in that way. It sounds tough and it is fine to put your baby down to cry when you have to but not to teach them a lesson. You are doing a great job responding to his needs, keep going! That is just his current personality. (And maybe follow that classic mumsnet advice of getting a sling!)

Yup, mine was like that. Bad colic too. I used to go out to new mum's meetings and watch enviously as they had proper sit-down meals either with their baby contentedly on their knee or asleep in the pram. While I jigged up and down with DS over my shoulder (the only thing that would sooth him) and ate nachos and dips one handed.

It magically improved round about the 6 to 8 month mark (I think part of it was he was genuinely in pain with colic a lot of the time and needed comforting) and he then sailed through the toddler years with hardly any tantrums and was generally a delight.

Slings - good. Co-sleeping - saved my sanity (recommend a "side car" cot, because then you can have the baby within grabbing range without worrying about rolling on him in the night). Time your meals for when you know he's likely to be in a reasonable mood (I used to have my main meal at about 12.00, then just snack in the evenings when we were into the witching hours). Cling onto the things that are actually fun for both of you (for me it was bathtime - I think the warm water eased his tummy and it was the one evening period when I genuinely had a sunny, happy baby).

You’ve had terrible advice from HV and your friends. Please do not leave him to cry. Babies cry for a reason- they need something. Sometimes that need is for comfort and when they are so small in this big loud uncomfortable new world- they need lots of comfort from mum. It’s entirely natural. Don’t ignore his needs.

My baby will lay on his play mat laughing and cooing for about 20 mins max, and this is when i eat my breakfast!

20 minutes is really good at 6 weeks old!

It also sounds like he is sleeping until 5am every night! That’s pretty good too.

Ignore the HV. 6 week old babies can’t manipulate you.

Absolutely. My first daughter was extremely high needs. She breastfed for ages, only slept on us until we got a Sleepy Head Pod. She cried and cried every evening, slept very little, needing fed every 2 hours on the dot.
My second daughter hasn't been anything like that.
Please don't leave a 6 week old to cry, that's not acceptable advice. They need your reassurance and love now. Needy, insecure, whatever reason, they must know you are coming and that contact IS the need they have.

It will pass eventually. I always hated the smug mum's telling me how their perfect angels slept 7pm to 7am without a whimper!

Indeed, some babies need constant human contact.

I've been on MN many years and having read many threads about high needs babies, and talking to people in RL such babies more often than not are boys Obviously this is based on a small % of the population .

If he needs you to hold him, he needs you to hold him. Do it as much as you can, although it's not always possible. Nothing you have done has caused this, it's just how he is.

Oddly my high needs baby turned out to be the most independent of my DC, and my easy going baby tells me he is never leaving home🤷🏻‍♀️

That is horrendous advice It is, I actually find it quite disturbing.

I was told not to make a rod for my own back luckily I ignored them and am glad I did.

She still gets in my bed now at times, if she is poorly or scared of the thunder, whatever makes them feel safe I say.

What everyone else said!

It's perfectly normal and natural for baby to want to be close to you. It's great for their development.

These babies who you see sleeping in their prams out and about - you have no idea what happens behind closed doors. Try and forget about those babies, all babies are different anyway.

Also, you'll learn over time that some health visitors are full of outdated rubbish or just bad advice (I'll never forget the one who told my friend to walk for an hour and a half with the buggy every time baby needed a nap - like that's remotely realistic!). Just because a HV says something, you don't have to do it. Use your judgement and if need be, nod and smile but then go away and do your own thing (this tip also applies to family, friends, anyone really!).

Good luck and try to embrace the cuddles! I know it's tough but it gets easier over time.

I absolutely believe in high needs babies! You're already doing everything right don't worry about what other people are saying, if they haven't had a difficult baby then they can't imagine what it's like. It's so different to a little grumble because they're quite fancy being next to you, your baby is crying because they need you and you're doing a good job responding to them you've got this

FFS how can anyone think a tiny little 6 week old baby is able to manipulate an adult 🤬
Ignore that HV op.

Do what feels right to you. I promise you this passes, like previous posters have said get a sling/wrap, this will free up your hands.

I slept upright for months because my daughter would only settle on my chest. She's 8 months now and whilst we're not quite there with sleeping all the way through it's a completely different story and she goes down in her cot. Hang on in there ♥️

Sorry, I wrote that with the dictaphone (because my arms are full with my needy baby ) and I've just read that back and it's crap! Ignore my post and just listen to firsttimemamma and everyone else!

I had a high needs baby. But it was my first so I didnt know any different (DS2 was sooo much easier!!)

Turns out my high needs baby had severe reflux (for YEARS) as well as a couple of other health issues.

I was on my knees caring for him every minute of the day and night but like Pp says, Im happy that I can look back and know that I never left him to cry and I always comforted him. We didnt realise at the time just how much he was suffering.

I was told to leave him to cry but I didnt and 8 years on I am very very glad I didn't

I’d complain about that HV!

Probably heart burn. Try keeping him upright for as long as possible after a feed and he’d above legs all other times - prevent acid burn.

If I cry my husband or children will comfort me the idea that they would see/hear me upset & just ignore me is awful. Why would anyone do that to a baby?
Cuddle/sling/cosleep whatever gives comfort. Do you BF? Babies are basically meant to be attached to mummy for at least the first 3 months —12 months for my kids—
The days are long but the years are short

Oh and i think its very good that a baby "knows" that when he cries, he's picked up and comforted. My friend fosters babies and says the saddest babies are those that don't cry because they've learnt that no one will come.

My first was high needs. Needed to be on me 24/7. I also got the same shitty advice you have got and all it did was make me feel bad that I was obviously doing something wrong. Do not listen to them! You are doing the right thing. You are responding to your babies needs and that is what builds a strong, secure attachment that will stand to them in later life. My girl is now a super independent 3 year old so I didn't break her as was suggested.
Keep following your instincts. You have them for a reason.

As most of the PP have said, your HV's advice is shocking. Try googling Sarah Ockwell-Smith 'The Fourth Trimester'.

I had one of these. It was very hard indeed.

I remember the feeling of disbelief that other people's babies would sleep in a pram, crib or shock horror, on a playmat!

No, you haven’t made him like this. I had (have) a high needs baby. She’s 8 months old now and also has a milk allergy like a pp. she’s my 4th so I was by no means naive about what to expect but my god. Nothing prepared me for her. I agree with just going with it, though that won’t help you a jot. I’ve been in some dark places in the last year. I can’t physically carry her as I’ve been left with real back and hip problems from severe spd in pregnancy, I do think she’d have loved to be in a stretchy wrap like my others had I been able to. Sleep wise, you’re already doing better than we were ever able to. We’ve only just managed to put her down to bed in the evening, until three weeks ago we were literally holding her all evening, eating with one hand and dealing with constant crying. We tried countless chairs and swings and she just wasn’t happy being put down at all. It was so difficult, especially when you compare to babies who seem to be perfect. But let me tell you it’s all evening out now, those perfect babies are now destroying their parents with teething whereas we’ve barely noticed it hang in there x