Such a thing as a high needs baby?

[Pea2019]

I have a 6 weeks old who always has to be on me. If i try to put him down when he is asleep he will wake up and cry uncontrollably. We swaddle him of a night time and he will most of the time sleep in his cot next to our bed, but from about 5am he only settles in our bed (safe co-sleeping!). Two other mums i have met seem to have angelic babies who sleep in their pram when out, sleep in the bouncer during the day and happily spend time on their own playing. My baby will lay on his play mat laughing and cooing for about 20 mins max, and this is when i eat my breakfast!

The Health Visitor came yesterday and told me i should leave him to cry as he will think each time he cries i’ll pick him up (which i have been doing). My other friends have told me the same thing, leave him to cry, try and sooth him in his bouncer/cot with a dummy, stroke his face etc. I have tried this today but he remains inconsolable and gets what i call ‘real tears’ and genuinely upset.

Have i made him like this? Should i continue trying to get him to be like their babies and not need me so much or could it be that he just has higher needs than their babies?

My eldest was like this. He would just cry and cry and cry. Never slept through the night so frustrating when all my mum friends would say their baby slept from 8 weeks onwards. It does get better. My son is 8 now and for the last few years has been very independent, self sufficient and happily sits in his room by himself watching tv or playing games. Hang in there OP and remember to look after yourself.

I think leaving to cry can be a sensible thing to do within reason - at 6 weeks it’s definitely not within reason. Terrible advice.

Thank you all, it’s good to know i’ve been doing the right thing. The other mums say their baby sleeps from 8pm-8am and they have to wake THEM for feeds! My baby has to sleep on me during the day, i do have a stretchy sling that he LOVES. But their babies just sleep in their bouncers or cot during the day. It does make me envious! He sleeps in his cot from 11pm and wakes every 3hrs for a feed and then realises about 5/6am that he is on his own so i bring him in bed with us (partner gets up at 5 so he takes his place!). I put him in his bouncer and move him room to room with me while i make breakfast and most of the time he is ok with that. He then gets restless and needs me again so i put him in my arms or my new sling (lifesaver!) and spend the day on the sofa! I think HV gave me that advice because i told her it’s hard to get out the house as i can’t get dressed etc due to not being able to put him down. Although it seems to be getting better as he would have cried straight away when i put him in the bouncer a couple of weeks ago.

It’s good to know there is such a thing as a high needs baby! After meeting my friend today i wondered if me being so responsive to him was making him needy

Good to know others have been through the same! Thanks all for taking the time to post.

Your baby can only communicate through noises, hand gestures and crying so your doing nothing wrong responding to their needs. However I would say before rushing to pick your baby up make sure they aren’t asleep. I realised my baby cried in his sleep and it didn’t last if left alone but if I picked him up or tried soothing him it woke him up and he would cry more. My baby also had the same sleep pattern as yours until around 10 weeks where his first stretch of sleep now lasts 5 hours. Keep doing what you are and your baby will gradually sleep longer and need less feeds

The other mums say their baby sleeps from 8pm-8am and they have to wake THEM for feeds!

At 6 weeks - it’s possible some might. But tbh I call bullshit, because that’s pretty unusual.

Oh man. I have been you! Firstly the HV advice is awful. Don't ignore your baby crying! Secondly, there is DEFINITELY such thing as a high needs baby! I absolutely have one. I know too well the comparisons with other mums and babies (my NCT group) and I felt like a failure as a mother. I think I had ppd actually as a result.

All I can say is, it really does get easier. And your friends with 'easy' babies will find things getting harder. My NCT friends actually got rather a shock when separation anxiety and tantrums hit. I found my son, on the other hand, easier with every milestone. He was rubbish at being a baby. He's awesome as a toddler. He's still a handful but now it is compensated by him having bags of personality. He's such a character and the nursery staff love him. He's 14 months now. I remember the first 6 months were awful but I promise it will get so much better.

High needs is definitely a thing and the most isolating experience I’ve ever had. DC is now 11mo and it is SO much easier but we had to do some gut-wrenching sleep training at 9mo to get to this point. I’ve felt so much resentment over the last year that we did this when her ‘fall asleep in the stationary pram in the noisy cafe’ peers don’t have the same problems. She’s never been content for more than 5-10 minutes playing on her own. Unfortunately this remains the case even now, but there is relief with naps which are now in her cot.

Prepare to get given condescending advice and wisdom from people with more conventional babies. Prepare to keep feeling that you’ve somehow created this needy little child every time you go through a rough patch or witness one of those mind-boggling ‘fall asleep on a playmat in stranger’s house with dog barking in room next door’ babies.

Be strong and know that it’s NOT anything you’ve done. Give her everything she needs and ignore crap advice from HV. When you feel like she has wrung you out and you’re close to dying, don’t feel bad about sleep training. There are gentle ways to do it. We tried at 6mo and she just wasn’t ready so we soldiered on. You’ll know your baby and how you’re coping.

Also it’s quite likely your DC is very switched on with an active mind, and that has lots of positives when they start being more interactive.

Why do people compare their babies to other babies?! Especially when you only see those babies for brief periods of time so have no real idea how they are.
Everything you describe sounds completely normal for a 6 week old.
If you are expecting a 6 week old to not want to be carried and to sleep through the night I think you should label yourself "high expectations" rather than call your baby "high needs"!!
Just take each day as it comes and stop competing over who has the "easiest" baby. It's a myth. All babies have a lot of needs.

@frauline I get what you are saying and I agree to an extent... but I do think that in some cases you can tell very early on. I remember distinctly my son at 8 days old suddenly refusing to nap. At all. I mean, he went more than 10 hours without a nap. He was so so alert and just wanted to look at everything. I had a real battle to teach him how to nap. I remember how alert and awake He was for his 'newborn' photos... the photographer said she'd never come across a week old baby so alert! She couldn't get a single sleepy photo of him woth his eyes closed. He was very different from the other babies in the NCT group from the off. I agree that in some cases parental expectations are very high... however, if I was back with my VERY difficult newborn and read your message, it would not have helped to hear that my expectations were simply too high 🤷‍♀️ some babies really ARE significantly harder than others. When I just accepted that, I found it much easier to cope with.

OP I did training last year to become adoptive parents and one important thing we learned was some babys that get ignored eventually stop crying not because they have thought oh well I'm not getting my own way its them giving up and can be damaging for them especially with achieving long term bonds .

Yes I do see what you mean. But the OP specifically said all the 6week babies she hears about sleep from 8pm until 8am without waking and is concerned that her baby who wakes 3hourly for a feed is abnormal (it's not).

None of the babies in my antenatal group were sleeping through at 6 weeks! All were waking anywhere between hourly and three-four hourly. People talk a lot of bollocks about baby sleep and I'm pretty sure the other mums you speak to are talking shite too.

Yes, high needs babies do exist - it's a recognised temperament type for babies. But little babies tend to be high needs in general, that's just how they work. Continue to be responsive to your baby's needs and ignore anyone who tells you to leave a tiny baby to cry.

@Frauline you have demonstrated perfectly the things that people said that made this such an isolating experience. There is a difference.

In my work I spend a lot of time with babies in the first week after they’re born. I have cared for 100s of babies in this period. There are a small percentage of babies that just can’t be put down from the beginning. My child was one of those. The first night at home I absolutely could not put her down. She screamed until she was touching me. The ones I see at work are the same, and the only way mothers get relief is if staff can hold the baby for a few hours in the night. This is in contrast to the majority of babies who happily sleep in bedside cots. This doesn’t mean those babies are necessarily straightforward in all areas, but they don’t have that need for physical contact and/or constant movement.

Surrey.

The baby books: after a feed your baby will fall asleep.

My baby: yay, sugar rush, where are the interesting things to look at?

OP - as some parents of more than one child have said, all babies are different, and some are harder for the adults to cope with (not the baby's fault, nor indicative of any failing in the adults). And while it would be easy to say "ah, that's just because everyone struggles with number one," we've got at least one poster on here saying "the first 3 were a breeze, but my goodness, number 4..."

I once saw a Romanian orphanage on tv that was full of quiet babies. The nurse they interviewed said the babies cried when they arrived, but after a while they realised nobody was coming so they stopped. How utterly sad to train your child not to cry because they know it’s pointless and nobody will come to love and care for them. My DS cries because he knows his mummy will respond to his needs.

I posted too soon. High needs babies are draining - mine wasn't at all high needs but a close friend who had a baby the same time as me had a very high needs baby and our experiences in early motherhood were entirely different. I had the baby who you could take anywhere, leave happily in their Moses basket while you went to make a cup of tea, who slept well, and was generally pretty placid and chilled and not fazed by new places and people. She made the newborn period incredibly easy, surprisingly so.

My friend had the baby who wouldn't be put down, who wouldn't accept sleeping in his cot, who needed to be held and rocked to sleep, who screamed through classes and when we went anywhere, who couldn't amuse himself for any length of time...

It was exhausting just to watch so I do sympathise, but it got a lot better for her when he started to get more mobile and now he's nowhere near as high needs as he was and is a much happier and chilled out baby so it's not forever. Just try to hold on to that. But yes, it can be exhausting and it's normal to feel frazzled. Just try to take breaks where you can and know that responding to his needs now isn't setting yourself up for anything negative in the future.

At 6 weeks waking for a 3 hourly feed is normal. Staying happy for 20 minutes on a mat is fabulous. It sounds like you are found brilliantly.

If you want to get out the house make plans to meet others. For some reason it helps of there is a goal. Obviously sometimes we have to be flexible as a poo explosion happens as you are trying to walk out the door, then they are starving again....but even now (and my youngest is 7) in the school holidays of we have no plans I struggle to get everyone up and out the door!

You will meet many parents who will tell you how perfect their kids are. Some will be telling the truth, some will be saying what they think they should say. Don't worry about it. You can only do your best and you all have different children.

@Baublesonthetree

The first day or two these babies will often sleep a lot but from my experience of many babies they tend to want more closeness after that. And yes some babies want more than others and there is a spectrum. But to be comparing your baby to others and thinking they are "unicorns" because they apparently sleep every night from 8-8 from birth, barely cry and feed perfectly just isn't a healthy outlook as it rings untrue to me!
Maybe seek out some people who will give you a more realistic view of child rearing?

@Frauline i am a first time mum and all i have to ‘compare’ to are my new mum friends. We all use eachother for advice and a shoulder to cry on. We talk daily about what issues we have had that day. Today i went out with one of the mums and i could tell straight away our babies are different. Hers was very calm and happily slept in pram, mine wanted to be in his wrap or sat on my lap looking at all the lights (not a problem at all). You just get talking about what you are finding hard and compare notes. It just so happens both my new mum friends have babies who don’t need them as much, who are happy to lay on their mat for hours and who happen to sleep for very long periods of time. I know all babies are different but it’s hard to know if what you are doing is right and whether I have made him needy. I now know it’s nothing i’ve done, thanks to forums like this. It’s isolating, they can leave the house quite quickly, if i want to go out I have a very short window in which to get ready and which he is happy for me to put him in his bouncer. I literally have nothing else to compare my experience to apart from other mums. I don’t think I have high expectations at all.

I’m constantly being told by my parents that i need to ‘just put him down’ or it will cause problems when he is older etc. This is the first time i’ve been told what i’m doing is fine.

It doesn't cause problems when they're older, thank goodness. First couple of months - DS would only go to sleep if you walked up and down the room with him over your shoulder. Progressed to co-sleeping eventually. Finally got him into his own room, then he was fine through the toddler years.

It's hard.

"I'm constantly being told by my parents that i need to ‘just put him down’ or it will cause problems when he is older etc. This is the first time i’ve been told what i’m doing is fine"

I definitely didn't put my baby down. Even at ten months old he napped on me. He's now 16 months old and sleeps in his cot really well, has done since 1. You're definitely doing the right thing by responding to your baby - well done

I haven’t met those people who say they sleep 8-8 from birth, barely cry or feed perfectly.

But I have been with people who used a Moses basket because their baby would sleep in that. I have met people who park the pram up and leave the baby sleeping. I have met people who move the car seat onto the pram and the baby continues sleeping. I’ve met babies who fall asleep on a playmat when they’re tired and even some babies who fall asleep in a bouncer when tired. Non-high need babies aren’t doing anything ‘unicorn’. They’re normal babies doing normal baby behaviours. High need babies just struggle doing those very normal things.

My dd is six weeks. She wont sleep in a cot or moses basket during the day, screams in the pram, screams in the car seat. Loves the sling, and just wants to be cuddled all the time. Shes also started cluster feeding in the evenings, which I'm hoping is building up to longer sleep, but does mean I cant really go far from her at this time. Her sleep varies, some nights she'll have a 4 hour stretch, and then its every 1-2 hours, other nights we don't get the 4 hours at all and it's just every couple of hours, although when she sleeps it is in her moses basket. I'm just going with it. I have a toddler as well and he very rarely wants to cuddle, hes too busy playing, so i know it does get better eventually! Your baby sounds pretty normal. I think all babies are high needs for the first few months.

It was reading about those awful Orphanages that made me feel happier about giving my baby the attention she clearly needed.

And it's not about comparing to be "better" its about finding out what on earth is going on and is everything ok. As a first time Mum holding your baby in the small dark hours of the morning all alone, day after day, it's perfectly normal to reach out and ask what other peoples experiences are.

It's not comparing to compete. It's asking for some hope of some sanity.

I ended up phoning my Midwife sobbing that my baby had been awake for 10 hours strait, and knowing this wasn't "normal". Yet at my baby group nobody would ever talk about these things, talk about waking them up to feed, or how they fall asleep anywhere on anybody any time. I couldn't shower and change clothes at the same time as if I smelled too different she wouldn't feed! I remember so clearly her screaming all evening, starving, but refusing to latch as I was too fresh smelling!

Point being, she was held for hours when she needed it. She is now a confident 5 year old, who never sleeps in our bed, never needed too, has no additional attachments to us, still loves cuddles but has perfectly normal boundaries. And we got through those long hours by doing what was right for her. Not what anybody else said.

He should learn that you will pick him up if he cries! It's his only way to communicate. It's not like they try it out for fun

Some babies are now high needs than others. DS2 was much happier to go down and chill out than DS1 and I didn't do anything different. He is still more independent now and DS1 is much older.