Such a thing as a high needs baby?

[Pea2019]

I have a 6 weeks old who always has to be on me. If i try to put him down when he is asleep he will wake up and cry uncontrollably. We swaddle him of a night time and he will most of the time sleep in his cot next to our bed, but from about 5am he only settles in our bed (safe co-sleeping!). Two other mums i have met seem to have angelic babies who sleep in their pram when out, sleep in the bouncer during the day and happily spend time on their own playing. My baby will lay on his play mat laughing and cooing for about 20 mins max, and this is when i eat my breakfast!

The Health Visitor came yesterday and told me i should leave him to cry as he will think each time he cries i’ll pick him up (which i have been doing). My other friends have told me the same thing, leave him to cry, try and sooth him in his bouncer/cot with a dummy, stroke his face etc. I have tried this today but he remains inconsolable and gets what i call ‘real tears’ and genuinely upset.

Have i made him like this? Should i continue trying to get him to be like their babies and not need me so much or could it be that he just has higher needs than their babies?

Have a look at this OP, you are doing just fine!

@Pea2019

Well for what it's worth it sounds like you are doing an excellent job. It's good to ask others for advice yes but don't feel like you are doing a poor job or worse than others. And people won't always give you are truly realistic picture I'm afraid. Even if they don't do it on purpose.
Also remember you can have a relatively more difficult newborn who is a relatively less difficult toddler! So just carry on and roll with what you've got! It all evens out in the end.

Definitely, and for me, a lot of it was down to reflux. Baby cried almost non stop for first 3 months, woke every 20 minutes right through the night, hated the car, hated the pram... We tried baby massage- disaster! Swimming? Ha, the changing room was a nightmare.
Meanwhile best friends both had kids who slept, loved the car and pram. They could bring them to the cinema! The cinema??? One went on holidays to Spain for a few weeks. We 'tried' a weekend away 1 hours drive away 😂. So yes some babies are easier than others

3 high needs-ers here! It's a thing. It's nothing you've done OP and try to not compare.

my first two have grown up to be very calm, cheerful, independent children. It's fascinating. After the first year, I'd say I had the easier ride than parents who had playmat-falling-asleep babies.

Third is still a toddler and pretty high maintenance, but sleeps and eats and we're not stuck together 24/7!, so it's all good.

Hang in there OP and buy a sling.

We 'tried' a weekend away 1 hours drive away

ugh, you've just brought me back to the screaming in the carseat. That was truly so awful.

Babies haven't got the brain power to manipulate at that age. If a baby has needs then they have needs and you're doing the right thing by responding to them.

Weirdly, my very high needs son DID sleep through the night from 4 weeks old! 🙌 But... only because he was incapable of napping And was awake all day long and got absolutely exhausted!! Those days were awful!! The only way he would nap would be either in my arms while breastfed, but wake the moment I moved an inch or if there was a sound so I had to sit there frozen and doing nothing.... or in the pram if going at a high speed with the snooze shade on and with no noise (a passing car or a tweeting bird would wake him up every time) and no bumps in the pavement. My goodness I never want to relive those days again!!

And to the poster who mentioned baby massage and swimming.... haha I did the exact same thing! All those compliant, content babies... and my son, screaming and thrashing around angrily!! Once I accepted he wasn't like the other babies and to work around him, I found life much easier. Plus I eventually got him napping in a routine (actually in his cot!) which was a gamechanger. But he's still a little force of nature now. It will be okay but I know how hard it is.

@Pea2019 yes we definitely had one. Even others with children couldn't believe how difficult she was. I found fussy baby book and happiest baby on the block had some useful tips. Both American so not all relevant but practical ideas for survival !

Ours became much calmer once weaned. I think milk wasn't helping.

@Pegase

Thanks :-) i’m literally laying in bed with him on my chest right now! Honestly knowing there is such a thing (thanks to this post) it’s really helped and made me love him more. It’s just who he is i guess. Also, when he has been fighting sleep for 6 hours, knowing 2 mins on the boob will send him to sleep is a revelation! although it does mean i can never stop mix feeding....

Hi,

My baby was high needs as well hence why I had to introduce a dummy when he was 2 days old otherwise he wanted to be on the boob all the time even when not hungry.

He has never been the type of baby where he would be content or sleep in his Moses basket when he was little. He always wanted to be held. He is now 14 months and walking which has made a difference as he is much more independent.

He still doesn't play with his toys for more than a few minutes and always on the go. When he gets bored or frustrated, he wants me and the boob (still breast feeding). Night time sleep is bad as he wakes up frequently and checks if I'm with him. I tried controlled crying but he has never given up to fall asleep and instead, left with a very distressed baby clinging on more. My HV said some babies don't and will do it when older so now he still sleeps with us.

I have always admired friends babies who will just entertain themselves and let the mum enjoy social situations or leave them to get on with daily chores.

He doesn't cry a lot unless I have to ignore him due to being busy or if he has hurt himself accidentally. It's more of whinging. He never liked being held or restrained in a bouncer, baby walker and high chair for more than 15 mins before he starts causing chaos. But I've always found travelling very easy with him or going out as he is content for some reason. We went to France when he was 11 months and I drove and my sister was sitting at the back, so the 6 hour drive was fine where I stopped every 2 hours to feed him and cuddle him and he napped twice too.

He won't sleep with anyone but me now and before the lockdown he used to only sleep with my mum which was good so I could get a break but now as I can't see my mum, he probably won't sleep with her. He has always had good solid naps during the day and has had a routine but since he is now older, he will never fall asleep in his pram if we are out and will only fall asleep if I'm driving long distance to my mums in a car seat.

I would love to know how you are now as this post was made months ago. Did it get easier for you? How is the baby now? I recently posted about a couple of red flags that my DS may have asd as he doesn't do a few of the tasks on the milestone chart but then again he is 14 months and still have 4 months for him to complete.

I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best

This post reminds me of my baby. 100% high needs. I hated the first 8 months. Hated motherhood. Regretted having a baby. She's a lot better now although still really hard work... I at least enjoy the daily challenges, even laugh at how exhausting yet entertaining they are, instead of dreading what every day would have in store for me.

Still don't want a second baby though.

How are you OP????

To update anyone seeking reassurance about their own high needs baby, now that this thread has been resurrected - my son is now 21 months old and an utter delight. He is happy 95% of the time. He is a handful and pretty intense and VERY active. He throws tantrums if he doesn't get his own way (like today I dragged him away when he was splashing in deep puddles and he was not happy about that!). But overall he is lovely and normal and a pleasure to be with.

Rewind to when he was a little baby - he was incredibly high needs, miserable, refused to nap, cried at the drop of a hat, and I thought there was something really wrong with him. I didn't like him much at all! He was such hard work and not like the other babies at all.

He did seem to have some tummy trouble and got diagnosed with a suspected milk allergy (impossoble to prove as non-ige) but ultimately we just had to wait for him to grow up a bit. He became happier with each milestone so we think a lot of it was frustration. Expecting our second child now... I swore I'd never do thie again but he's so lovely now! Anyway there is hope!

Glad to hear that! My DD was the same, loads of crying, refused dummies, refused the sling, refused bottles and hated the pram when she was a baby but now a delightful toddler. I adore spending time with her, she's charming, funny and never cries. Even when she's very fed up she'll just whine a bit but still keep herself under control. She'll frantically start waving and saying "Bye" when she wants to leave a situation.

I honestly don't know what was wrong during the baby months (possibly silent reflux but that doesn't explain the dummy or sling refusal). I recently met a friend with a newborn that just sleeps and drinks and will happily stay quiet anywhere she's put down. I was agog as I had no idea newborns could be that easy! My own experience was like a battle in the trenches but of course the reward is worth it 1000x over!

Babies are meant to be close to their mums and cry if they aren’t, so second the sling advice for reassurance for your baby and safe Co sleeping to minimise hassle for you.
Crying a lot though even if being held I would look into milk allergy and reflux including silent reflux.

This is a brilliant thread. I never knew other people had babies like that as well. My DS was impossible to put down, breastfed constantly, had to sleep with me etc. for the first 6-8 months. (We co-slept and breastfed long term, but the high needs thing went away during the first year.) He's a highly intelligent though very calm young man now. At the time I felt a lot of guilt because he was born into difficult circumstances and we had so much less than all the rich old mums with their fat placid babies. I became convinced that DS must be sick and wasting away, or why else would he be so ravenous and fretful? So I went to the clinic every time they were open (every two days or so) and made the poor HV weigh and measure him every time. She always tried to reassure me that he was a normal weight for a breastfed baby and that I was doing fine. Looking back, I think I did better than I gave myself credit for (unplanned pregnancy aside...) and I'm very glad I never did the controlled crying thing that was so in vogue at the time. I have two younger DDs and they were definitely the chubby, placid sleepy type of baby. Hang in there OP, it seems to get better around the 6-8 month mark, and you can reassure yourself that you're giving him everything he needs.

It’s so reassuring to hear that it gets better. I remember the days when I used to leave the house forgetting things at home like my phone or handbag because of all the stress my DS would cause just as we were leaving. For instance, I would get ready and at the same time try to get him ready but then I need to place him somewhere safe (travel cot) while I grab his things and set up the pushchair etc and then there he is whinging and crying as if someone is torturing him making me panic more and then when we finally leave, I’m literally shaking and sweat pouring out my forehead and I realise I don’t have my bag with me or my phone after walking for ages trying to recover from that trauma I had experienced. It’s happened to me so many times. They stress you out, manipulate you to do tasks at some superhero speed and are very challenging !

he will think each time he cries i’ll pick him up
That is the way for babies to form a strong, secure attachment to their mother. You want him to know that you're there when he needs you! He is too young to have a thought process of manipulating you or crying when he doesnt need to.

My daughter wasn't what I would call "high needs" but she did like to sleep on us during the day. Even when she was 2, she wouldnt nap in the cot- only on us, or in the car or pushchair. It hasnt done her any harm. She is very independent, confident and forms secure attachments.