Did you ever have a clear 'I'm done' feeling when deciding not to have more children and / or do you regret not having more?

[Firecracker2019]

I'm asking as I'm struggling to know myself and my feelings shift back and forth and my 'gut' feeling is totally confused. Why not? A third child would bring more love? A busier family when my wider family is pretty small. But what if something goes wrong? What if I'm too old (early 40s)? What will I regret more - trying or not trying?

Time is ticking and I need to find a conclusion I can live with before I drive myself mad with it all!

I have 2 DC and absolutely zero desire to have any more. I don't have the money, the space, patience or energy. Pregnancy and birth was hard on my body. I adore my DC but they have speech disorders, DS has a hearing impairment and DD had social and concentration issues and has always been a dreadful sleeper. I have nothing more to give. A third child would break me. So its easy for me.

I always knew my DS would be my one and only - both for financial reasons and because DH has 3 older children. I’ve often felt wistfully about having a second but it’s too late now. I think it’s hard to separate rational feelings from the hormonal pangs sometimes. What does your DP think?

I have two and definitely done. I also feel like I dont cope massively well with being a parent if I'm totally honest, there are a lot of aspects I find tough (pregnancy I found mentally tough, births were shit as I didnt produce the hormone so they were very very long), breastfeeding issues, sleep issues, tantrums etc etc and I do feel if I got pregnant again I wouldnt be able to go through with it, it would break me.

Ingrtestingly my husband wasnt fussed about number 2, and I really really felt like our family was not complete. It was such a strong feeling. But since no 2 I have not been well, and some of the points he made about how difficult it would be have been proved right so while i dont regret no 2, i do wish I'd taken on board what he was saying and looked for solutions rather than just saying 'it'll be fine!'

I knew I was done when I was pregnant with my 2nd. Never regretted it and never had doubts.

I was perfectly happy with just the one until I couldn't have another (recent unexpected hysterectomy).

Now I am struggling terribly with feelings of regret and doubt.

Luckily the one we do have is bloody awesome and I'm certain these feelings will soon pass.

I had a very clear I’m done with this shit feeling when I finished breastfeeding my second child.

I totally knew I was done, somehow everything made sense when my second was born.

If you don’t have that , can’t you let finances and work type decisions influence it?
I’ve never planned anything, I just muddle through and it’s always ok , but I see threads on here about affording another child and the mortgage situation and the economic climate etc. it all sounds very impressive and grown up.
Can that be your guide?

I have two. There was a time when they were 2-3 (I found the toddler years incredibly cute and rewarding) when I got very broody but I pretty much knew I didn't want to be outnumbered, broke or any more exhausted than I already was, so I ignored the gut cry for more and am so glad I did. Two was the right number for us. I've never wanted to be one of those mothers who has a brood of chicks. I like giving a lot of individual attention to each child and wouldn't have had the energy to do that with more than two.

GrannyBags My DH feels done. Also feels why rock the boat and take a risk? I think fertility issues and previous miscarriages have subconsciously taken their toll on us both even if we don't realise it day to day. But he says he sorsbr want me to regret things later so is happy to try, against his better judgement, if it's what I really want. But he also says he thinks my hesitation and doubts are a reason to stick at two.

QueenWhatEvs I share your feelings a bit and millefiori I worry about not being able to give three children (or four if we had twins!) enough attention. I'm an only and DH is one of three so we each had differing amounts of parental attention growing up. That said, DH is the eldest yet it's his youngest sibling who is closest to their mum.

Financially we could afford three and it would be the practicalities of a new baby and the spread of ages that would limit things like holidays for a while rather than finances. My older two would both be at school FT by the time baby arrived too.

when I had 2 I still wanted another.
I had a difficult pregnancy with no2, and then a miscarriage afterwards, but I still wanted another.

Then had dc3, and I knew I was done. Again a difficult pregnancy, but a total sense of this was the last time. I had bags and bags of baby stuff stored int he loft, and as dc3 grew, I gave away anything that wasn't being used and she had grown out of.

So, yes, I knew.

I absolutely knew I was done. I always wanted two and after one, definitely felt something was missing (even though we also definitely knew we wanted a large age gap, there’s 5 years between them). After I had my 2nd, it was definitely an immediate sense of ‘well, I’m glad I never have to do that again.’ Not because anything has ever gone badly! I’ve had two lovely natural births that were exactly how I wanted them, breastfeeding was really great, all generally very easy in every way the 2nd time around. But I just felt certain at every transition point that I wasn’t going to do it with a third child. Very happy with two, no desire to have another, maybe a bit panicked it could happen and be unplanned. I’m that sure I’m done.

I wouldn’t mind another baby but I can’t possibly go through pregnancy again. It was too painful, stressful and traumatic. And I’m 40+ so the risk of problems is higher, and I don’t want to risk ruining my existing child’s life if there are complications for either me or the new baby. I feel like I already rolled the dice once and was incredibly lucky that both myself and DC came out of it fit and healthy. I don’t dare roll the dice again because I’m gambling with our future and we could lose everything.

TiceCream you're one of the few who seems to get the 'we've got lucky so far so stop now' feeling that is a strong one for me but which is competing with a lot of hormones, guilt and also a sense of frustration at myself for feeling like that and not being braver like so many who have 3 or more children clearly are.

I always wanted two, DH was happy with just one but agreed to my request for a second. I am done, I knew when I held my baby nephew that I am so over the baby stage. We had two miscarriages and I had pre-eclampsia in both pregnancies, resulting in premature delivery and SCBU both times. There is no way I could put any of us through that again, thankfully I never wanted three!

I have just had my third (she's ten days old) and I am done done done. I knew I was done almost as soon as I got pregnant to be honest. I never felt that way after either of my other children and I know I would have regretted not trying for another, despite the fact that everyone I know seems to be inexplicably troubled by the fact that three children has meant we needed a bigger car...

I have 1 DC, for a while I had real broodiness but it took me a while to realise it weren’t, it was guilt from people’s comments like “an only child’s a lonely child” I can say now I’m 100% happy in my reasons for having 1 and I feel thoroughly done. I love DC more than anything in the world, I have no desire for another.

I knew I was done half way through my pregnancy with DS2. Difficult pregnancy, had to look after a toddler and work full time. I also was put at risk of redundancy. Horrible time.

I couldn't imagine now having to go back to the baby stage. My youngest is 4. I have my life back, no night feeds, nappies or prams. The kids don't need my constant attention.

Oops, pressed post by accident! Was trying to say: Having an extra child adds 58.6 tons of CO2 equivalent to the planet’s burden of greenhouse gases. It’s the single worst thing you can do for the environment.
I stopped at two DC, but I’m not claiming virtue. My DH died before DD2’s first birthday, so it wasn’t an option to have more.

I had 2 DS and knew I was not done-then a miscarriage which made me know even more I wanted another.

Had my third and immediately wanted more.
I think I am just one of those perpetually broody people.
I stopped at 3 and it was right but if DH and I had been younger and richer I could see having another.
Luckily (?) a prolapse followed by a hysterectomy put paid to any realistic yearnings but I adored being pregnant and loved breastfeeding.
I can see how you get addicted to the feelings...

My daughter is turning 8. There is now way on this fucking earth I am starting again from newborn.

I have loved parenting at all of its stages and continue to love watching her grow and develop. I have no desire to have another baby and start it all over again or to continue to try and support two humans to adulthood.

Utter madness! I am only just starting to have my own life again.

That said I have a lover with whom my body very much desires to have get pregnant and I catch my own brain trying to trick me into risky sex with him.
It’s not an option and should an accident occur despite my precautions I would terminate without a doubt.

Dp and I had always planned on and wanted three, I really wanted three but after two dp decided he was done. I did not feel done at all. For dp it was a head not heart decision IYSWIM, financially it would have been harder but not impossible by any means but we can offer twodc more. We have very little family help, the occasional baby sitting for which we're very grateful but no consistent help. I was really upset for quite a long time really but I now think it was the right decision, so although I never felt done I don't regret not having another (at least not yet! ).
I can totally relate to your feelings about parents with 3 or more dc being braver or somehow 'better'. Friends of ours wanted three and had three - they just went ahead having faith it would all be okay and it will be but all of their dc are well and they have a lot of family help. Even so having three young dc has taken its toll on their relationship.

not being braver like so many
If I was ten years younger I’d be a lot braver. A healthy pregnancy would be more likely and I’d bounce back easier. But I’m just too damn old to risk it now. I’ve seen women my age who had serious complications from pregnancy in their 40s, long term health problems for themselves and in some cases babies who were not compatible with life. I know it’s not a given but the risks are higher. And I’d be risking my existing DC’s future if any of those life changing consequences happened. I love him too much to do that. It was my decision to leave it this late so I guess the consequence of being too old to have another baby is expected and fair, and I need to own it.

I was definitely done after two and never had even the slightest desire to have another. In fact I would have been pretty horrified if I'd accidentally fallen pregnant again!

I knew I wasn't done just after DC2 was born. I can remember thinking that having two was lovely, but there was one more to come to complete our family. I had to wait until DH was on board of course. When I was pregnant with DC3 I knew this was my last baby, I knew I didn't want to go through it again. I've no regrets about having three, it's wonderful.