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Original poster

Did you ever have a clear 'I'm done' feeling when deciding not to have more children and / or do you regret not having more?

71 replies

Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 13:52

I'm asking as I'm struggling to know myself and my feelings shift back and forth and my 'gut' feeling is totally confused. Why not? A third child would bring more love? A busier family when my wider family is pretty small. But what if something goes wrong? What if I'm too old (early 40s)? What will I regret more - trying or not trying?

Time is ticking and I need to find a conclusion I can live with before I drive myself mad with it all!

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Em3978 · 26/11/2019 16:57

Husband wanted several, I didn't really want any.
Had one child.
Knew right away that I was never doing that again.
My only is nearly 12, well adjusted and happy. And so am I.

cobaltblue27 · 26/11/2019 16:57

I have three and I feel a little like an oddball on this thread, because I do think a lot about having a fourth. My DH is very against the idea, and he is much less emotional (more sensible) than me, and very financially focussed. I have hated being pregnant, but never like myself more than when I am holding a small baby of my own. This is despite the fact that I have had severe PND each time, have a life-threatening health condition, and DC1 is autistic and I really really struggle with him. We are also having to move house because we have no space. So I am not rational, but I do feel sad at the point of every transition. I don't think I will ever feel done, and can imagine feeling slightly sad in the future about not having gone for a fourth.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 17:03

Cobalt maybe some of us never loose the broodiness / sadness about passing stages even when we know logically we are good with what we have?

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Ragwort · 26/11/2019 17:06

Yes, even before my DC was born I knew I would only ever want one, never regretted that decision for one moment, very happy with an ‘only’ child.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 17:09

I think I felt done after DC2 was born but as the time passes and the window for a third closes the broodiness has started. And a few younger friends have had their firsts... I wonder how much of how I feel is just my body screaming for one last chance to procreate before perimenopause hits and therefore this must be a common feeling but maybe others are less emotional than I?

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marmitemayonnaise · 26/11/2019 17:13

Within a week of having number 2. So glad we have two but the thought of going through the really hard reflux, screamy, sleep deprivation newborn days for a third time fills me with absolute dread.

Every month as mine get older I enjoy them more and more and find them so much easier. Our family feels very complete.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 17:16

I think if DH was keener I would feel more reassured. I have to take his feelings into account right? He's not vetoing it but I know it's not his preferred option. He has found our journey to parenthood pretty stressful and anxiety-inducing too. Those who go through the same or worse and still have 3 or more kids must be tougher than us.
We have no family support nearby and our parents are all 70+ and while in ok health are obviously getting older and are around 4 hrs away.

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CroissantsAtDawn · 26/11/2019 17:17

DH wants 3.

When DC2 was between the ages of 2 and 4 I was tempted. Then i realized that every broody period was around ovulation time!

We ve stuck at 2 and I am sooo pleased cos DS1 was always difficult and isnt getting any easier.

anothernamejeeves · 26/11/2019 17:24

When my third was born I felt ab overwhelming sadness that I wouldn't never bring a baby home from hospital again.
Now that baby is nearly 4 I feel bloody thankful I have three healthy children and safe deliveries and count my blessings. I'm also due a hysterectomy soon so even in an ideal world I wouldn't be able to have any more

Thestrangestthing · 26/11/2019 17:25

I feel the same at the moment OP. I had 2 children young and don't want to leave it any longer to have another. There are just too many reasons not too, space, dp and I are both self employed and my job is quite physically demanding and pregnancy does jot agree with me. Sometimes I feel really sad that we won't have another, like we are not complete.

Thestrangestthing · 26/11/2019 17:27

And with the second I had pretty bad pnd, he was also a devil child so I don't think I could cope with that again.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 18:02

I was never diagnosed with PND but definitely struggled with sleep deprivation and feeding more than others seemed to which made me tearful and low and so with hindsight I wonder...
DC2's birth was so 'good' it made me realise how bad I had felt after DC1's even though I assumed as a first time mum that that's just how birth was.
I know many families with incomes and resources as good as or better than ours and were the mum is a bit younger than me and they've stopped at 2. Who knows why but I'm assuming that most didn't do so due to birth trauma/infertility/medical reasons. And most have family support nearby too.
Most families with 3 or more that I know have family support nearby too and also seem to be the kinds of people who like to have very full plates IYSWIM, always busy, taking on lots of roles whether they are in paid work or SAHM. Which is not really how DH and I are. A few just LOVE kids and never seem to have a bad day and have endless patience. I love my kids but we do have bad days and I don't feel so patient most of the time.

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CroissantsAtDawn · 26/11/2019 19:54

A lot of mums I know with 3 or 4 DC are getting more and more frazzled as the kids get older. One mum was a whizz juggling 3 boys, work and very active on the PTA. Now her eldest is at secondary and struggling with the workload, her middle one is getting into trouble for being so bossy and limit bullying, and her youngest is a very "disruptive element" in class to the point that they ve agreed to keep him at home some afternoons...

She is soo stressed at the moment.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 19:59

Croissants that sounds hard...! I've heard others say that kids need more parental input in some ways as they get older, and that parents of teens look back wistfully at the what they thought was full-on younger stages.

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Evenstar · 26/11/2019 20:07

I can honestly say that I felt certain during my third pregnancy that I was done. I even told my mum that I was worried in case anything went wrong as I knew I could never go through it again even though I really wanted a third child.

Prisonbreak · 26/11/2019 20:28

I have none and I’m done haha

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 21:08

Was there anything particular that made you feel that way Evendstar?

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lostlondoner · 26/11/2019 21:10

I'm trying for a third (late 30s) but have suffered terribly mental health wise since becoming a mother so I probably shouldn't be! We've also been trying for a year with no joy so perhaps the decision is made for me already.
All I know is we haven't thrown out the baby things and I get that funny feeling when I see a baby so.......

ParkheadParadise · 26/11/2019 21:15

Yes after I had Dd1. I was 15 and I knew I definitely didn't want anymore I was happy just the two of us.
When I met DH it was one thing I was very clear about, luckily he agreed.
Dd2 came along when Dd1 was 23! A total Shock was a understatement plus I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5mths.

Original poster
Firecracker2019 · 26/11/2019 22:37

lostlondoner either way I dread getting rid of the baby things.....

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calamityjam · 26/11/2019 22:42

I had my third child a girl after 2 boys all sections. The surgeon offered to do a tubal ligation, but in my heart I absolutely knew I would have 1 more. 4 years later after being widowed, I met my partner and we joined our families by having a child together.

Warmhandscoldheart · 26/11/2019 22:46

I was so certain 2 DC were enough for me, I was sterilised immediately after my DC2 was born by Elected Caesarian. Never regretted it.

Baloonphobia · 26/11/2019 22:51

We decided before we had the first one that we would have two. We had two girls and everyone says 'You'll have to go again for a boy". Like fuck I will. No way.

Magpie1976 · 26/11/2019 23:11

I felt like this for 10 years after dd2. Finally managed to persuade DH and had dd3 when I was 41. So happy despite the big age gap. Definitely don't want anymore now. Loving having 3 and the older 2 adore their baby sister

Echobelly · 26/11/2019 23:18

It was never a feeling as such - I knew I wanted childbearing over by the time I was 35, mainly as I have a health condition that could have potentially affected my mobility when I still had young kids. Also everything seems exponentially more expensive (childcare, holidays, homes, cars) when you get beyond two. Finally I had the good fortune to have two kids who were very 'easy' babies and toddlers - after DD we were sure next child would be baby from hell (I had a fear of having a colicy baby or one that otherwise didn't sleep or woke up frequently), but no, DS was also pretty good. Honestly, we both thought that a third would be tempting fate! I think DH did still want a third for for a while, then got over it.

In an ideal world, where childcare costs weren't so crushing, and had I started a bit younger, I would have gone for three I think, but I'm totally happy with the two I have!