terrible mother

[biosphere]

My 11 week old ds won't stop screaming. I feel like he doesn't like me (or at the very least doesn't know or care who I am). I can't help him. It isn't hunger or dirty nappy. He just screams like he's furious all the time. I thought I would be better at this. I am awful. I just don't think I can do this. I am not bonding with him. I don't feel like a mother at all. I am at the end of my tether. I don't know what else to do. Now I can hear him screaming upstairs and I feel cruel but I just don't know what to do with him.

[biosphere]

OMG he's just fallen asleep in his car seat. Totally passed out, mouth open, fists still raised like he is boxing. I feel like smoking, downing pints of vodka, eating mountains of chocolate and taking anything else I could find (I am not going to... more is the pity). I guess he shouldn't sleep in his car seat. Something else to feel guilty about. It just doesn't stop.

[EnormousChangesAtTheLastMinute]

good luck with walk. if it involves buying yourself a trashy mag, choc or whatever a treat might be for you, so much the better. be nice to yourself.

and thinking you're not a good mother is part of being a mother i fear. no-one is perfect but you're not a bad mother - first things first - you care enough to worry about it and post on here. would a 'bad' mother do that!?

we are all in the same boat. do come back and let us know how you get on. even if the same people aren't here there will be hundreds of women reading your post who will know exactly how you feel. it's a v big boat...

[EnormousChangesAtTheLastMinute]

hey, there's nothing wrong with a nap in the car seat at this point! quick! chocs and tea and richard and judy... or is that just me?! well done! x

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

Rule 1: Don't listen to the people who make you feel bad! If you look hard enough you will find something to feel guilty about whatever you do. One person will say you shouldn't let them cry, but another will say if you don't you're spoiling them. One will say don't let them sleep in the car seat, but another will say don't disturb a sleeping baby. So take it all with a pinch of salt and find the best way for you.

[GooseyLoosey]

Biosphere - there is no such thing as the perfect mother. I never get through a day without wishing I had done something different. The trick is to realise that everyone feels like that and to understand that it does not make you a bad mother.

I second what Marthamoo said about PND. Never occured to me at the time with ds that I might be depressed - just thought I was a terrible mother and there was nothing that could be done. As she said, if you feel like this all the time, talk to your GP.

Would also echo what others have said - it does get easier and you will bond with your son. It took many months for me but now he is 4 I cannot put into words what I feel for him and what I know he feels for me too.

[LilianGish]

You are not a terrible mother Bio - I agree with all the other posters. Leaving him to cry and having a bit of time out when you feel like this is absolutely the best thing to do. I too saw the post about never leaving a baby to cry and thought it was the most unhelpful comment (and said so at the time!) I also agree that putting him in his pram and getting out for a walk is the best solution to a crying baby. I used to walk the streets of Paris when dd was little, I'd take a book with me and as soon as she dropped off I'd dive into a cafe or find a bench and have some time to myself.

[LilianGish]

My ds (now 4) used to rock himself to sleep in his car seat and was even known to sleep in it all night - he has the straightest back I know - if it works, do it and don't worry about it - that's my philosophy. Enjoy the peace!

[biosphere]

He has woken up (he slept for all of about 5 minutes!) and the screaming has resumed. Back to plan one. Out in the buggy we go. I don't know whether I have PND. Possibly. I don't know how anyone could stay sane with this going on. I am trying my best but it just isn't good enough for him.

[MatNanPlus]

Bio,

Babies cry so please don't blame yourself, some are just loud.

Is the car seat different in shape to his bouncy chair? i would guess his legs are nearer his tummy in the car seat and this could give him relief if he has tummy wind.

You could try a rolled up tea towel under his thighs, but not under his bottom, in his bouncy seat to relieve tummy pressure.

Have you tried gripe water or infacol?

[UCM]

Bio, you are not terrible, you would not be on here worrying if you were, your words say it all mate. You sound very caring to me.

I second the person who recommended cranio osteopathy, sometimes babies scream loads because they are uncomfortable for some reason.

Do you have a partner/husband who will be able to help or whereabouts are you. There may be another Mnetter who can come and give you a break. I would if you lived near me.

[SleeplessInTheStaceym11House]

bio, you are not a bad mum, i had a lovely dd when she was a baby and she never really screamed etc etc. then i had ds woah what a different story, i was near breaking point some days and was diagnosed with PND i think it was due to slep deprivation and stress!

you are in no way to blame your baby doesnt hate you! but colic could be th reason! my ds is a colicky and refluxy baby! he can still be a pain at 9mo but it is definately easier now than when he was a few weeks old!!

please try and sleep when your baby sleeps if you get a chance! it was a godsend with dd, felt like a culture shock when i couldnt with ds as i had a toddler to run after!

[EnormousChangesAtTheLastMinute]

'i'm doing my best but it just isn't good enough for him'. this isn't true. you're assuming he is crying because of something you're doing or not doing - it could be something beyond your control. don't beat yourself up. it could be colic or reflux or something... i too know parents who have had good experiences with cranial osteopathy. but most of all sounds like you need a break. if you want to let us know where you are please do. i would be happy to help if i can.

[aloha]

He's probably tired. Babies get tired after being awake for quite a short time - an hour or two. Then they yell and fight. Wrap him up warm, put him in a pram and go out. It's always worse if you are stuck inside. Head for a cafe, ideally, with some light reading matter. When your dp comes home, run yourself a bath and get in it and have a glass of wine!
When my difficult ds was a baby I would be faffing and changing nappies and walking and cuddling and feeding as he howled but he was tired and much better for a good wrap up and walk. Sometimes in the evening he would fall asleep in the car so dh and I would drive to the pub or cafe rouge while he slept. You gotta do what you gotta do. A sleep routine would probably change your life, but they can be really hard to do when you feel so down and tired. And do talk to your gp/health visitor about how you feel. YOu sound very, very down.

[aloha]

And you aren't making him cry. He's probably tired or he might have reflux or something else. Don't assume it's YOU - remember, he's a separate person.

[hertsnessex]

try a sling, swaddling, massage, and maybe some skin to skin with you in bed. dont feel bad - we have alll been there.

good luck. i dont know where you are but im sure there are mners around that maybe you could meet up with and chat too.

cx

[aloha]

Join an NCT tea group, a baby massage class etc etc. None of these things are really for babies - they are for first time mothers who are going doolally at home!

[HAPPYMUMOF5]

How are you feeling now? xx

[biosphere]

I am feeling slightly more sane now (amazing what a bit of sleep can do). Last night I put him in the pram and walked to the station to meet my DH. He took him off my hands for the evening. The little monkey finally went to sleep at about 8pm and my DH put me to bed at 9pm. DS didn't wake until 3am! I think he was totally exhausted (like his mum was). I am still feeling a bit shaky and unsure. I don't know if I have PND. Sometimes I am happy but it's rare when I am alone with DS. I just don't feel that we have any connection. I know some of you have said that it can take months... but it has been nearly 3 months. I just want us both to be happy. yesterday was awful. I had to actually stop myself from swearing at him or calling him names (I didn't swear at him or anything but the fact that I wanted to is bad enough. I bet the woman who wrote that a baby should never be left to cry would never have to stop herself from swearing). I felt like he was totally in control and that I was running around trying to satisfy him and was failing. I certainly didn't feel like the adult in the situation. See, I am bad at this.

[shinyhappytonks]

Oh sweetie, you are not bad at this. Having a screaming, crying baby is REALLY REALLY hard. Giving you big ((((HUGS)))

I found connecting with my ds extraordinarily hard as he too was a screamy crying baby who slept fitfully during the day and woke every couple of hours in the night.

Go and see your HV/doctor (if she is nice) and have a chat. It took me a year of this to finally go (i was at the end of my tether) and it really did help.

Best wishes and your dh sounds like a great man.

[Belgianchox]

I couldn't read this and not post. My dd was exactly like this for the first 3 months, constant screaming, she just seemed really angry the whole time, and I absolutely felt like she hated me and that I couldn't do anything right for her. So, what eventually helped for me was her falling into a routine (more or less) around the 12wk mark and switching to bottles at around the same time. I think a lot of babies do naturally settle down a bit around the 3mth mark, and one day you think, hey, this is a bit easier now. You are definitely not alone, babies are not all easy going little creatures, some are stroppy and difficult, and its not your fault. Maybe next time around you'll get one of the other variety, I did and couldn't believe how easy it was second time around comparatively! Don't worry about the bonding either, you probably already have much more than you think

[cornsilk]

I remember thinking that ds1 was 'bored' with me at about the same age. It's not a nice feeling and I felt quite alone at that stage. People stop calling round so much 'cos they think you've 'got the hang of it.' I remember buying one of those shiny windmills and putting it in his pram. He loved it when we went out for walks and it meant I could have a good mooch in shop windows at least! Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel. I wish I had!

[oneplusone]

It's perfectly understandable that you want to feel happy with your little 'bundle of joy' but as most first time mums will tell you, it is all a bit of a myth or fairytale that having a baby is all joy and happiness. In fact the reality is stress, sleeplessness which leads to anxiety, depression, then there's feeling isolated, and generally not having a clue what to do most of the time.

I now realise it is exactly like starting a brand new job, having had NO training or experience beforehand and you are basically learning on the job. It took me about 2 years to feel like I knew what I was doing (well some of the time anyway) and to just feel comefortable in my new role.

So don't be hard on yourself, you have started a new job and you are learning every day and the more you do it the better you will get at it. You will make mistakes along the way but you will learn from them and there's lots of help and advice here on MN and from friends/relatives etc.

Don't expect things to be all lovely and shiny and you won't be disappointed as life with a new baby is just not like that.

Good Luck!

[salsmum]

My daughter screamed for the 1st 2 years of her life! she does have cerebral palsy so slight difference i know but my hubby used to take over while i got some rest.
I found 1 day she stopped when i put on Tubular bells c.d. and thought i'd cracked it but then i put it on another time and she screamed .
sometimes the washing machine helped sometimes the hoover, those rocking baby seat things might work too.
I reccommend you find out if your area has a toy library that way you can meet other mums over a cuppa and try out toys, nursery equipment in a two week/monthly basis and see if theres anything that can help without actually buying.
They are also a good place to get advice etc and may be just the break that you need.
I think that your low self asteem and your doubts in your ability to cope are all due to lack of sleep.
You could even try HOMESTART this is an organisation set up to give new mums a break.
PLEASE do not see it as a 'failing' if you ask for help, believe me there are sooo many mums out there who have and will go through what you're going through now.
hope this helps, GOOD LUCK!

[Desiderata]

Poor biosphere.

To be honest, newborn babies are pants. They're not at all what they're cracked up to be.

So, deep breaths, sleep whenever you can, and dispel any thoughts that you are in someway a bad mother. It all comes in phases, and before you know it, you'll look into his eyes and fall head over heels in love.

This will happen at exactly the same moment that he looks you in the eye ... and smiles!

[Hurlyburly]

Colicky babies are hard. You are not a terrible mother. Most of us, to a greater or lesser extent, have been though it too. You are not cruel, you need to take care of yourself. They grow out of screaming eventually. A break is a really good idea.