terrible mother

[biosphere]

My 11 week old ds won't stop screaming. I feel like he doesn't like me (or at the very least doesn't know or care who I am). I can't help him. It isn't hunger or dirty nappy. He just screams like he's furious all the time. I thought I would be better at this. I am awful. I just don't think I can do this. I am not bonding with him. I don't feel like a mother at all. I am at the end of my tether. I don't know what else to do. Now I can hear him screaming upstairs and I feel cruel but I just don't know what to do with him.

[Jessicatmagnificat]

Dear Bio

I read your OP and thought - that was me 6 months ago! My DD - now 9 months - was very colicky,and screamed so much that I couldn't face going out as (well meaning) strangers would come up to me and comment on how distressed she was. It got so bad that I became very depressed and needed to take ADs for a while.

However, she grew out of it - painfully slowly - after about 4 months, and is now a happy, thriving, if still demanding little girl.

I tried every remedy under the sun, but really, with screamy babies, you just need to give it time. And get out of the house, a lot, even though you don't feel like it.

Hang in there. I promise, promise, promise you will find it gets easier. Take care
XX

[cardy]

I haven't read all the post but for what it's worth - the first 3/6 months are really difficult and a bit of a shock. I also think about 12 weeks is a classic time to start to feel a bit isolated - I really did! Force yourself to go out, parent and baby groups etc. I met 4 women and babies at about 12 weeks through a postnatel group that stopped me from going insane. I would also see the GP about PND, although I never did anything about it I think i did have mild PND with dd2 and wish i had done something.

Finally I do think it is worth having ds checked out. A good friend of mine had a ds who screamed and screamed for the first 6 months and after lots of visits to HV and GP and lots of research herself he was diagnosed with lactose intollerence. He is a differt baby. Again like other have said could it be colic?

Don't be hard on yourself, the very fact that you think you are a terrible mother shows importnat the role is to you and how you want to do it well - an achievement in itself.

Good luck

[mamadoc]

You sound in some ways a lot like me especially 'I thought i would be better at this'. I laugh now when i recall how lovely I thought it would be to be at home all day, not go to work. ideas of me and cute baby sitting in the park ha ha. Didn't go anywhere for 1st 2 months! I thought I was a failure just not a natural mum even sort of dark fantasy that if I died DH would do much better on his own.
Things that helped:
Lovely HV realised I was struggling and visited us every week kept telling me I could do it
Going out to stuff. At first I didn't as it seemed too hard but actually it was better to be in company and DD seemed to scream less or I noticed it less. A lot of the problem is loneliness when you're used to working.
Discovering MN. In RL I bet everyone feels like this but of course they all say they're fine. I've done it myself.
Chucking away all guilt making books GF, BW etc and just doing whatever it takes for us dummy, swaddling, endless rocking, letting her nap on me.
Now at 18 weeks it is finally a lot more like my fantasy. She smiles, interacts, amuses herself and falls asleep easily. There is hope!

[LilianGish]

It took me ages to bond with my first baby - I couldn't quite believe she was mine and I felt really weird because I'd been led to believe it would be an instant love affair - especially after an easy birth. I didn't have any family nearby and I hadn't had much experience of babies before dd - my dh and I used joke about wishing she had an off switch and an instruction manual. I also think that babies go through phases (crying all the time, not sleeping - later not eating etc etc) when you are in one it feels as though it will last for ever - you have to keep reminding yourself it won't always be like this. In the end I think all the efforts I put in were what formed the bond - and I should add that I didn't have the same problem with ds - I think dd had flicked a switch inside me and it was instant love when he was born. Finally I just wanted to add that I think other people can often have a magical calming effect on new babies - my mum always used to say it was because they can't smell your milk - it certainly not because she doesn't like you. Hope you are having a better day today.

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

"To be honest, newborn babies are pants."

PMSL Desiderata - that should be a quote of the week!

Biosphere, the fact that you are still berating yourself for thinking about swearing at your baby suggests that you haven't a chance to read the thread I linked earlier in which half of Mumsnet admit to actually swearing at their babies. Please read it, honestly

[biosphere]

Thank you so much everyone. I had never heard of a toy library (what a good idea - I spent a fortune on a vibrating bouncer from FisherPrice which he absolutely hated!). He is sleeping at the moment and I am having a cup of tea... three months ago I never would have thought a cup of tea would be such a luxury!
Belgianchox that is exactly how I feel. He just seems so furious with me. It helps to hear someone else felt exactly the same and that they got through it and even...gulp... had another one!
Desiderata - he does smile it's just unfortunate that 99% of the time he smiles at other people. It is hard not to take that personally even though I know I shouldn't.

[Hurlyburly]

Colicky babies are hard. You are not a terrible mother. Most of us, to a greater or lesser extent, have been though it too. You are not cruel, you need to take care of yourself. They grow out of screaming eventually. A break is a really good idea.

[Desiderata]

Poor biosphere.

To be honest, newborn babies are pants. They're not at all what they're cracked up to be.

So, deep breaths, sleep whenever you can, and dispel any thoughts that you are in someway a bad mother. It all comes in phases, and before you know it, you'll look into his eyes and fall head over heels in love.

This will happen at exactly the same moment that he looks you in the eye ... and smiles!

[salsmum]

My daughter screamed for the 1st 2 years of her life! she does have cerebral palsy so slight difference i know but my hubby used to take over while i got some rest.
I found 1 day she stopped when i put on Tubular bells c.d. and thought i'd cracked it but then i put it on another time and she screamed .
sometimes the washing machine helped sometimes the hoover, those rocking baby seat things might work too.
I reccommend you find out if your area has a toy library that way you can meet other mums over a cuppa and try out toys, nursery equipment in a two week/monthly basis and see if theres anything that can help without actually buying.
They are also a good place to get advice etc and may be just the break that you need.
I think that your low self asteem and your doubts in your ability to cope are all due to lack of sleep.
You could even try HOMESTART this is an organisation set up to give new mums a break.
PLEASE do not see it as a 'failing' if you ask for help, believe me there are sooo many mums out there who have and will go through what you're going through now.
hope this helps, GOOD LUCK!

[oneplusone]

It's perfectly understandable that you want to feel happy with your little 'bundle of joy' but as most first time mums will tell you, it is all a bit of a myth or fairytale that having a baby is all joy and happiness. In fact the reality is stress, sleeplessness which leads to anxiety, depression, then there's feeling isolated, and generally not having a clue what to do most of the time.

I now realise it is exactly like starting a brand new job, having had NO training or experience beforehand and you are basically learning on the job. It took me about 2 years to feel like I knew what I was doing (well some of the time anyway) and to just feel comefortable in my new role.

So don't be hard on yourself, you have started a new job and you are learning every day and the more you do it the better you will get at it. You will make mistakes along the way but you will learn from them and there's lots of help and advice here on MN and from friends/relatives etc.

Don't expect things to be all lovely and shiny and you won't be disappointed as life with a new baby is just not like that.

Good Luck!

[cornsilk]

I remember thinking that ds1 was 'bored' with me at about the same age. It's not a nice feeling and I felt quite alone at that stage. People stop calling round so much 'cos they think you've 'got the hang of it.' I remember buying one of those shiny windmills and putting it in his pram. He loved it when we went out for walks and it meant I could have a good mooch in shop windows at least! Don't be afraid to tell people how you feel. I wish I had!

[Belgianchox]

I couldn't read this and not post. My dd was exactly like this for the first 3 months, constant screaming, she just seemed really angry the whole time, and I absolutely felt like she hated me and that I couldn't do anything right for her. So, what eventually helped for me was her falling into a routine (more or less) around the 12wk mark and switching to bottles at around the same time. I think a lot of babies do naturally settle down a bit around the 3mth mark, and one day you think, hey, this is a bit easier now. You are definitely not alone, babies are not all easy going little creatures, some are stroppy and difficult, and its not your fault. Maybe next time around you'll get one of the other variety, I did and couldn't believe how easy it was second time around comparatively! Don't worry about the bonding either, you probably already have much more than you think

[shinyhappytonks]

Oh sweetie, you are not bad at this. Having a screaming, crying baby is REALLY REALLY hard. Giving you big ((((HUGS)))

I found connecting with my ds extraordinarily hard as he too was a screamy crying baby who slept fitfully during the day and woke every couple of hours in the night.

Go and see your HV/doctor (if she is nice) and have a chat. It took me a year of this to finally go (i was at the end of my tether) and it really did help.

Best wishes and your dh sounds like a great man.

[biosphere]

I am feeling slightly more sane now (amazing what a bit of sleep can do). Last night I put him in the pram and walked to the station to meet my DH. He took him off my hands for the evening. The little monkey finally went to sleep at about 8pm and my DH put me to bed at 9pm. DS didn't wake until 3am! I think he was totally exhausted (like his mum was). I am still feeling a bit shaky and unsure. I don't know if I have PND. Sometimes I am happy but it's rare when I am alone with DS. I just don't feel that we have any connection. I know some of you have said that it can take months... but it has been nearly 3 months. I just want us both to be happy. yesterday was awful. I had to actually stop myself from swearing at him or calling him names (I didn't swear at him or anything but the fact that I wanted to is bad enough. I bet the woman who wrote that a baby should never be left to cry would never have to stop herself from swearing). I felt like he was totally in control and that I was running around trying to satisfy him and was failing. I certainly didn't feel like the adult in the situation. See, I am bad at this.

[HAPPYMUMOF5]

How are you feeling now? xx

[aloha]

Join an NCT tea group, a baby massage class etc etc. None of these things are really for babies - they are for first time mothers who are going doolally at home!

[hertsnessex]

try a sling, swaddling, massage, and maybe some skin to skin with you in bed. dont feel bad - we have alll been there.

good luck. i dont know where you are but im sure there are mners around that maybe you could meet up with and chat too.

cx

[aloha]

And you aren't making him cry. He's probably tired or he might have reflux or something else. Don't assume it's YOU - remember, he's a separate person.

[aloha]

He's probably tired. Babies get tired after being awake for quite a short time - an hour or two. Then they yell and fight. Wrap him up warm, put him in a pram and go out. It's always worse if you are stuck inside. Head for a cafe, ideally, with some light reading matter. When your dp comes home, run yourself a bath and get in it and have a glass of wine!
When my difficult ds was a baby I would be faffing and changing nappies and walking and cuddling and feeding as he howled but he was tired and much better for a good wrap up and walk. Sometimes in the evening he would fall asleep in the car so dh and I would drive to the pub or cafe rouge while he slept. You gotta do what you gotta do. A sleep routine would probably change your life, but they can be really hard to do when you feel so down and tired. And do talk to your gp/health visitor about how you feel. YOu sound very, very down.

[EnormousChangesAtTheLastMinute]

'i'm doing my best but it just isn't good enough for him'. this isn't true. you're assuming he is crying because of something you're doing or not doing - it could be something beyond your control. don't beat yourself up. it could be colic or reflux or something... i too know parents who have had good experiences with cranial osteopathy. but most of all sounds like you need a break. if you want to let us know where you are please do. i would be happy to help if i can.

[SleeplessInTheStaceym11House]

bio, you are not a bad mum, i had a lovely dd when she was a baby and she never really screamed etc etc. then i had ds woah what a different story, i was near breaking point some days and was diagnosed with PND i think it was due to slep deprivation and stress!

you are in no way to blame your baby doesnt hate you! but colic could be th reason! my ds is a colicky and refluxy baby! he can still be a pain at 9mo but it is definately easier now than when he was a few weeks old!!

please try and sleep when your baby sleeps if you get a chance! it was a godsend with dd, felt like a culture shock when i couldnt with ds as i had a toddler to run after!

[UCM]

Bio, you are not terrible, you would not be on here worrying if you were, your words say it all mate. You sound very caring to me.

I second the person who recommended cranio osteopathy, sometimes babies scream loads because they are uncomfortable for some reason.

Do you have a partner/husband who will be able to help or whereabouts are you. There may be another Mnetter who can come and give you a break. I would if you lived near me.

[MatNanPlus]

Bio,

Babies cry so please don't blame yourself, some are just loud.

Is the car seat different in shape to his bouncy chair? i would guess his legs are nearer his tummy in the car seat and this could give him relief if he has tummy wind.

You could try a rolled up tea towel under his thighs, but not under his bottom, in his bouncy seat to relieve tummy pressure.

Have you tried gripe water or infacol?

[biosphere]

He has woken up (he slept for all of about 5 minutes!) and the screaming has resumed. Back to plan one. Out in the buggy we go. I don't know whether I have PND. Possibly. I don't know how anyone could stay sane with this going on. I am trying my best but it just isn't good enough for him.

[LilianGish]

My ds (now 4) used to rock himself to sleep in his car seat and was even known to sleep in it all night - he has the straightest back I know - if it works, do it and don't worry about it - that's my philosophy. Enjoy the peace!