terrible mother

[biosphere]

My 11 week old ds won't stop screaming. I feel like he doesn't like me (or at the very least doesn't know or care who I am). I can't help him. It isn't hunger or dirty nappy. He just screams like he's furious all the time. I thought I would be better at this. I am awful. I just don't think I can do this. I am not bonding with him. I don't feel like a mother at all. I am at the end of my tether. I don't know what else to do. Now I can hear him screaming upstairs and I feel cruel but I just don't know what to do with him.

[biosphere]

Thank you so much everyone. I had never heard of a toy library (what a good idea - I spent a fortune on a vibrating bouncer from FisherPrice which he absolutely hated!). He is sleeping at the moment and I am having a cup of tea... three months ago I never would have thought a cup of tea would be such a luxury!
Belgianchox that is exactly how I feel. He just seems so furious with me. It helps to hear someone else felt exactly the same and that they got through it and even...gulp... had another one!
Desiderata - he does smile it's just unfortunate that 99% of the time he smiles at other people. It is hard not to take that personally even though I know I shouldn't.

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

"To be honest, newborn babies are pants."

PMSL Desiderata - that should be a quote of the week!

Biosphere, the fact that you are still berating yourself for thinking about swearing at your baby suggests that you haven't a chance to read the thread I linked earlier in which half of Mumsnet admit to actually swearing at their babies. Please read it, honestly

[LilianGish]

It took me ages to bond with my first baby - I couldn't quite believe she was mine and I felt really weird because I'd been led to believe it would be an instant love affair - especially after an easy birth. I didn't have any family nearby and I hadn't had much experience of babies before dd - my dh and I used joke about wishing she had an off switch and an instruction manual. I also think that babies go through phases (crying all the time, not sleeping - later not eating etc etc) when you are in one it feels as though it will last for ever - you have to keep reminding yourself it won't always be like this. In the end I think all the efforts I put in were what formed the bond - and I should add that I didn't have the same problem with ds - I think dd had flicked a switch inside me and it was instant love when he was born. Finally I just wanted to add that I think other people can often have a magical calming effect on new babies - my mum always used to say it was because they can't smell your milk - it certainly not because she doesn't like you. Hope you are having a better day today.

[mamadoc]

You sound in some ways a lot like me especially 'I thought i would be better at this'. I laugh now when i recall how lovely I thought it would be to be at home all day, not go to work. ideas of me and cute baby sitting in the park ha ha. Didn't go anywhere for 1st 2 months! I thought I was a failure just not a natural mum even sort of dark fantasy that if I died DH would do much better on his own.
Things that helped:
Lovely HV realised I was struggling and visited us every week kept telling me I could do it
Going out to stuff. At first I didn't as it seemed too hard but actually it was better to be in company and DD seemed to scream less or I noticed it less. A lot of the problem is loneliness when you're used to working.
Discovering MN. In RL I bet everyone feels like this but of course they all say they're fine. I've done it myself.
Chucking away all guilt making books GF, BW etc and just doing whatever it takes for us dummy, swaddling, endless rocking, letting her nap on me.
Now at 18 weeks it is finally a lot more like my fantasy. She smiles, interacts, amuses herself and falls asleep easily. There is hope!

[cardy]

I haven't read all the post but for what it's worth - the first 3/6 months are really difficult and a bit of a shock. I also think about 12 weeks is a classic time to start to feel a bit isolated - I really did! Force yourself to go out, parent and baby groups etc. I met 4 women and babies at about 12 weeks through a postnatel group that stopped me from going insane. I would also see the GP about PND, although I never did anything about it I think i did have mild PND with dd2 and wish i had done something.

Finally I do think it is worth having ds checked out. A good friend of mine had a ds who screamed and screamed for the first 6 months and after lots of visits to HV and GP and lots of research herself he was diagnosed with lactose intollerence. He is a differt baby. Again like other have said could it be colic?

Don't be hard on yourself, the very fact that you think you are a terrible mother shows importnat the role is to you and how you want to do it well - an achievement in itself.

Good luck

[Jessicatmagnificat]

Dear Bio

I read your OP and thought - that was me 6 months ago! My DD - now 9 months - was very colicky,and screamed so much that I couldn't face going out as (well meaning) strangers would come up to me and comment on how distressed she was. It got so bad that I became very depressed and needed to take ADs for a while.

However, she grew out of it - painfully slowly - after about 4 months, and is now a happy, thriving, if still demanding little girl.

I tried every remedy under the sun, but really, with screamy babies, you just need to give it time. And get out of the house, a lot, even though you don't feel like it.

Hang in there. I promise, promise, promise you will find it gets easier. Take care
XX