MIl taking over/over bearing! Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonlady2]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, I am new to this site and just need a place to rant/need to know if I am overreacting? Also sorry if it’s extremely long and rambly...

First of all let me give a little back story. I am 23 and my mother whom I was living with, passed away 3 years ago and my dad lives out of the country, so I moved in with my partner and his family (his mother and 3 brothers) whilst we saved up enough deposit for a house of our own, thankfully we are ready to move out.

Anyway, his mother has always been very outspoken and opinionated and I am very shy and find it hard to stick up for myself but we haven’t had too many issues whilst I have been living here, apart from her odd judgy comment here and there that I have managed to just brush off. When I found out I was pregnant I was more determined than ever to move out but she was insisting that we stay for at least a year after the baby is born saying I am a new first time mum and need her experience and help. Since giving birth she has taken over naming our son, choosing both middle names (based on her faith from church) and refuses to call him by his first name that me and my partner chose as she doesn’t like it and only calls him by his middle name.

She has judged and taken over every little thing I have done. His first bath, changing him, feeding him and resting him she has managed to take over and do herself at the hospital before I had the chance to even hold my baby (he was born a few weeks prem so I was in hospital for a week).

It probably sounds silly but it broke my heart having to watch her butt in and bathe and feed my baby in hospital before I even had a chance as I was really looking forward to bonding with him and doing these firsts especially as he was born early and I wasn’t able to hold him much at first. I was too weak and tired still recovering from a c sec to complain but deep down inside I was so hurt.

Now we are at home and every time I try to do something such as change his nappy or bathe him she watches over me like a hawk, tells me I’m doing it wrong and takes over saying I should just watch and learn from her from now on as I don’t have the experience just yet.

Other examples of her being overbearing: she takes him from my arms without even asking, takes him from his moses basket in our room when he’s sleeping and now let’s whoever she wants hold him/kiss him, even strangers and visitors I don’t know ( mostly from her church). She has even taken him to church as a prem newborn with loud banging church music, candles and busy crowds just so that she can show off the baby and ignored my concerns completely. She takes him at night saying she wants to help out and do the night shift (again without even asking) and puts him in her room all night with the door closed. I wake up some nights to find my baby just gone!

She has been discouraging me from breastfeeding, as it takes away time from her and my baby and stops her being able to feed him with the bottle. I had issues with him latching on/ my supply so was pumping and supplementing with formula whilst I figured out BF with my midwife and she has jumped on that so that she can force me to bottle feed so that again she can take over.

Finally she tells me off for any decision I make and goes against it, such as my baby having a dummy and snatches it out of my hand when I try to give it to him or stops me soothing him when he cries in his crib (she believes in letting babies cry it out) or me giving him his prescribed medication, and believes doctors meddle too much and that I shouldn’t give him anything. She also believes babies should sleep on their bellies which I think is dangerous and whenever she has him always puts him to sleep on his side or belly in his crib (which worries me when she takes him at night) and refuses to listen when I gently tell her he should sleep on his back due to SIDS which she doesn’t believe exists.

She acts like it’s her baby and makes decisions for me and tells me how I should take care of and raise my baby and I barely get any alone time with him without her lurking in the background and she constantly tells my husband that she doesn’t want us moving out and that she wants to be be close to baby and is against us moving slightly further away (even though that’s all we can afford) and is doing all she can to stop it. My husband knows and I have complained to him many times and have had sleepless nights and cried too many times to count! I don’t want to drive her and him apart and he is trying to be the middle man without causing too many arguments. She is very stubborn and doesn’t listen and acts like I am overreacting and gets angry at me for mentioning anything to my husband and as I don’t like confrontation I try to avoid saying anything to her as we all live under the same roof and I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting? Any suggestions? And again sorry if this is too long/in the wrong place.

OP you are not overreacting. I know you are shy but you need to stand up for yourself- the things this woman is doing are actually dangerous for your baby! Not giving him medication and putting him to sleep on his belly?! No no no no no! How old is your baby now? Can you get some support from your health visitor or GP to intervene at all?

You’re a mum now and the welfare of your baby comes first- if she takes the baby from your arms, you take him right back again. Fit a lock to your bedroom door so she can’t get in at night. Tell your husband that you are going to leave with the baby unless he supports you!

You need to get out of that house as quickly as you possibly can!

Thanks for your advice, I have spoken to my health visitor about my concerns such as letting babies cry it out, giving them a dummy and sleeping them on their backs and she has given me all the same advice that my mother in law is totally against! Even with my husband agreeing with me/on my side he doesn’t know how to get through to her without ruining their relationship. I love him so much and couldn’t imagine my life without him which is why I find it so hard to give an ultimatum but I might have to do something drastic such as stay at a hotel for a few nights just to get some space! As for a lock on the door we can’t do that as the place is rented so it wouldn’t be allowed unfortunately :(

I couldn't finish reading I'm afraid what you described was too awful. You need to escape! sending hugs OP x

I'm afraid I couldn't finish too the end, I got to her removing him from your room and you need to stand up for yourself my love. He's your baby, she's taking over and not allowing you to bond with him.
Next time she doesn't use his first name gently say "his name is xxx but if you insist please call him first name middle name"
Next time she takes him off of you say "please let me hold my son, I'm having cuddles"
Next time she tries to take over feeding/changing/bathing ect "I'm never going to get the experience you claim I don't have unless you let me get on with it without taking over and watching me"

Where is your dp in all of this? I hope he's telling her to back off?
I think the sooner you're both in your pen home the better.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum, I can't imagine how hard that is for you.

OP, I feel so sorry for you. You have not been given the opportunity to bind with your new baby or experience all the wonderful ups and downs the first few weeks of motherhood has to offer.

You must feel trapped with no where to go, are you able to visit friends ? Is there a local breastfeeding support group you could attend? Just for a bit more support for you.

In terms of facing your MIL... You and your DH need to sit her down and lay out some ground rules. Be firm, this is YOUR baby. Not hers. You know what is best regardless of whether it's day 1 as a mum or day 1000.

1. Do not bathe my baby
2. Do not take my baby from my arms without asking
3. Baby must sleep on their back
4. Do not feed baby a bottle without your permission or without you offering breast first.
5. There is never a situation where it is ok for her to take your baby from you, so that you wake and they aren't there.
6. Explain that you need your baby with you at night to increase your BF milk supply.

I really hope you find the strength you need. X

Oh and every time she refers to your child by their middle name. Immediately correct her.

My DS, people try to shortened his name and I correct them instantly.

OP, you must be such a patient person. I would have lost it by now. Thank goodness you are moving out! She sounds deranged.

OP, I feel very badly for you and do understand the lack of confidence that comes with being a first time mum and especially when someone else is standing over you claiming to know better.

HOWEVER, as well as offering you a lot of sympathy and encouraging you to stand up for yourself for your own good, I'm also going to give you a bit of tough love because some of the things your mil is doing are actually potentially harmful to your baby:

You are the parent and you have a responsibility to protect and look after your child. If, heaven forbid, anything were to happen to your dc due to being put to sleep on their tummy or not being given his medication, that would be 50% on you (the other on your DP!) for failing to ensure he is safe in line with advice you have received from professionals. You MIL is not actually forcing you to do anything and it is not open to you to prefer to avoid confrontation when your child needs you to advocate for him in order to keep him safe. I hereby give you permission to find and use a strong backbone against your MIL in this scenario because it is the right thing to do and you are not being rude or ungrateful by doing so!

Lecture part over! The way she is behaving is ridiculous but fairly common in over excited grandparents and may well be all out of (overinvolved) love. I know you'll feel in a very vulnerable state here but some firm boundaries do need to be drawn for your own well-being whether she is offended by them or not.

You can stay very reasonable and, as a starter for ten, say "MIL, we are delighted that you love DC so much and want to be involved but we are his parents and will be making X decision / changing his nappy / feeding him as we see fit. I am also telling you now that removing DC from our room in the night is very distressing for me so please do not do this again. Whether you think I am being unreasonable or not, it is very upsetting and I ask you to respect that."

She may well be offended/upset (you are taking away the control and involvement she seems to feel entitled to) but THAT IS OK.

Your DP also needs to be less of a wet blanket and put him new little family first but you can't necessarily make him so focus on what you can do yourself.

Wishing you a bucket of gumption.

Please please stand up for yourself! She sounds like an utter nightmare! This is YOUR baby, not hers and if she is going to be so controlling tell her to go have her own baby. Do you have friends where you can stay for a bit to give you space away from her? You could use the excuse you’re visiting friends you’ve not seen for a while? You are an amazing mum and doing brilliantly given the circumstances and do not let your MIL get you down and dictate your baby’s upbringing. The cry it out and sleeping baby on his front comment had me 😱 My MIL hated our daughter’s name and told us to change it as she didn’t like it and I told her where to go 😡 She still refuses to call her her full name and always shortening it so I always make a loud and clear point of calling her by her full name so don’t be afraid to make that clear to your MIL too. Stay strong! Xx

I was a young mum and my DM was extremely 'helpful' when DC was born. I moved out! This is your child not hers and you need your DH to step up and support you. There is no point in telling someone like her gently or otherwise, as she'll try and steam roll you at every turn. How soon can you realistically move out? Enlist your HV get her round the house when DH and MIL are both there, and strike up the conversation about all your concerns again. I'll bet the HV won't take it lying down. It's an awful position to be in but you must speak up to protect your child, they can't do it for themself. It sounds like you're barely getting a look in here so is DH having any chance either? If his mum wants to baby something suggest he buys her a doll. Don't get upset, get mad!

You need to put your foot down. Why isn’t DH standing up to her? She’s not just taking over and pushing you out as mother, she’s endangering your child. Tell her to stop, every time, take your child off her and tell her not to do it again. She won’t like it but so what?

Wow so sorry your going through all that, and you are definitely not over reacting. I went through this but it took stages to get out:

1. When my mom did this I would talk to the baby in front of her like "awww grandma loves you so much she is feeding you so well (or whatever she was doing"

2. after making her understand that I know she was coming from a good place I would still talk to the baby and be like "grandma made delicious food bet you can't wait till your all grown up to taste it" (or whatever just something simple)

3. then I started asserting myself and when she would try to "correct" me I would say "awe grandma wants me to do blank but mommy needs to do this and learn what you like"

4. then she slowly backed off and sometimes yes she would be right and if she was I'd let her know I appreciate her.

I know it's different because it's your mother in law so I'd add another step

5. is she doesn't back off y'all to hubby and let him know he needs to "confide" in his mom that your trying to be a mom and how you feel about it and he needs to act like it's only coming from him and in a loving way that he appreciates her but that he knows your fully capable of taking care of your baby.

I know it's not direct but sometimes direct can cause drama and tension

Best of luck

You need to move as far away as possible. She doesn't even sound like she was a good mum from some of the things she wants to do with your child.

To be honest OP if you don't stand up to her she'll just walk all over you. Do you want to end up moving into your new home to find her moving herself into your spare room? You must nip it in the bud now. Tell her thank you for all the support after your c section, but you can manage fine now and don't need her to do so much. Put her firmly back in the role of grandma - And quite frankly so fuck if she gets upset?! Because she doesn't seem to give one shit about your feelings!

Get out of that house as quickly as possible.
You don't need her outdated parenting 'support'. You don't need her trying to bring up your child.

You need to move out ASAP.

Your husband needs to support you and if that means she falls out with him then so be it.
She's not being helpful. She's a complete nightmare and your post made me angry.

For as long as you're still there, put some serious boundaries in place.

No picking up the baby without asking.
No telling you what you should be doing.
No trying to make parenting decisions.
Respect the baby's name.
Respect you as the baby's mother.

That was hard to read op for you.

How old is he? Is he registered yet? If you don't like the middle names you don't have to keep them. If he isn't registered it's easier though but I think you have a year to change baby's name.

You also need to get out of there! Find somewhere that you can afford and go and it will be easier to manage her visits. Don't give her a key.

While he isn't mobile its less of a worry while sorting out furniture and things.

If you want to continue breast feeding get a sling and keep him in that, it helps your supply and every time she wants to feed him say you're doing it and ask her for a drink and biscuit. Let her change nappies if she wants to bond.

Definitely go with pps suggestion if putting a lock or bolt on your door or even try a door wedge underneath. She's putting your baby at risk by taking him and sleeping him on his front.

She is batshit. And will continue to do this unless you tell her differently.

He is YOUR BABY. You will be the most important relationship in his life for years to come. Tell her to bugger off.

Schedule some grandma time and the rest of the time be insistent that you are looking after him.

Install a lock on the bedroom door. Tell her the next time she takes him out of your room that you’ll be moving to your dad’s with the baby (a bit of an empty threat).

Don't even let her in your house.

I don’t think I could ever have moved in with someone like that in the first place-she sounds vile.
You need to move out ASAP. Living under her roof is simply not going to work.

Move out.

Your DH may not want to harm his relationship with his mother but he doesn't give a shit about your feelings?
Has he told her to back off?
Just move out, set an example for YOUR son, if she's not there she can't take over.

If you don’t start sticking up for yourself, you might as well just hand over your baby to her now. Seriously she won’t stop unless you find your voice. When you move out, keep her visits down to the minimum. Under no circumstances give her the key.

You are far from unreasonable. The sooner you get out of her house, the better. However you must speak up, you've allowed this situation to develop. Not much fun for your partner either. I can't imagine living with parents and a partner in one house, never mind with a child, unless very short term.

When you're in your own place, however humble, you will be in charge and the relationship with your mother in law will become more 'normal'. Better for all of you.

It is simply appalling that the woman chose names for your child and won't call him by his first name. She has been given too much power!

You'd be happier renting a one bed flat than how you are living now, never mind all your husband's siblings being around and the lack of privacy. However you said you've saved enough for a deposit on a place of your own so please, please go for it as soon as possible.

Yes as pp said. Do not under any circumstances give her a key when you move out. If the wedge under the door doesn't work I'd be pulling a chest of drawers in front. Or even something noisy that she'll knock over when she tries to sneak in. Even typing that suggestion sounds completely batshit! But you must break this cycle now. Where is Ds even sleeping in her room if the moses basket is in yours? Is she taking him into her bed? It's just so wrong.

How long untill you can get out of there OP?
Do you have anyone you can stay with untill you get a place?

Like others on the thread, your post made me really angry on your behalf.

I would start with asking your MIL to sit down with you, maybe get cake and. A cup of tea and lay out all your concerns. You need to get DH on your side with this too
Tell her you are grateful that she has wanted to help so much but you need to take it from here.
Spell it out bit by bit.
No more taking baby from you. She wants a cuddle she needs to ask.
Baby stays with you at night.
No bottles, baby is offered a breastfeed first and if they need a bottle then you are to feed.
Baby lays on his back.
Etc.

Ask her how she learned When your DH was a baby? Did her MIL take over everything or did she learn by herself? Hopefully this will make her see.
You need to be clear that it's your turn now. Otherwise how will you learn?

If she kicks off you need to dig your heels in and don't back down. She can only take over everything if you let her.

Can’t believe what I’ve just read. It sounds like you’ve had an awful time. I know it will be uncomfortable but you need to stand up to her for the sake of your son. You are his protector and advocate. Tell her to kindness her own business. She has had her chance at mothering - she has her babies and you have yours. If she doesn’t understand, it doesn’t matter. Her feelings do not matter. I would rather hurt someone’s feelings than have them hurt my precious baby. You need to get this sorted today. Wishing you strength.