MIl taking over/over bearing! Am I being unreasonable?

[Anonlady2]

Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, I am new to this site and just need a place to rant/need to know if I am overreacting? Also sorry if it’s extremely long and rambly...

First of all let me give a little back story. I am 23 and my mother whom I was living with, passed away 3 years ago and my dad lives out of the country, so I moved in with my partner and his family (his mother and 3 brothers) whilst we saved up enough deposit for a house of our own, thankfully we are ready to move out.

Anyway, his mother has always been very outspoken and opinionated and I am very shy and find it hard to stick up for myself but we haven’t had too many issues whilst I have been living here, apart from her odd judgy comment here and there that I have managed to just brush off. When I found out I was pregnant I was more determined than ever to move out but she was insisting that we stay for at least a year after the baby is born saying I am a new first time mum and need her experience and help. Since giving birth she has taken over naming our son, choosing both middle names (based on her faith from church) and refuses to call him by his first name that me and my partner chose as she doesn’t like it and only calls him by his middle name.

She has judged and taken over every little thing I have done. His first bath, changing him, feeding him and resting him she has managed to take over and do herself at the hospital before I had the chance to even hold my baby (he was born a few weeks prem so I was in hospital for a week).

It probably sounds silly but it broke my heart having to watch her butt in and bathe and feed my baby in hospital before I even had a chance as I was really looking forward to bonding with him and doing these firsts especially as he was born early and I wasn’t able to hold him much at first. I was too weak and tired still recovering from a c sec to complain but deep down inside I was so hurt.

Now we are at home and every time I try to do something such as change his nappy or bathe him she watches over me like a hawk, tells me I’m doing it wrong and takes over saying I should just watch and learn from her from now on as I don’t have the experience just yet.

Other examples of her being overbearing: she takes him from my arms without even asking, takes him from his moses basket in our room when he’s sleeping and now let’s whoever she wants hold him/kiss him, even strangers and visitors I don’t know ( mostly from her church). She has even taken him to church as a prem newborn with loud banging church music, candles and busy crowds just so that she can show off the baby and ignored my concerns completely. She takes him at night saying she wants to help out and do the night shift (again without even asking) and puts him in her room all night with the door closed. I wake up some nights to find my baby just gone!

She has been discouraging me from breastfeeding, as it takes away time from her and my baby and stops her being able to feed him with the bottle. I had issues with him latching on/ my supply so was pumping and supplementing with formula whilst I figured out BF with my midwife and she has jumped on that so that she can force me to bottle feed so that again she can take over.

Finally she tells me off for any decision I make and goes against it, such as my baby having a dummy and snatches it out of my hand when I try to give it to him or stops me soothing him when he cries in his crib (she believes in letting babies cry it out) or me giving him his prescribed medication, and believes doctors meddle too much and that I shouldn’t give him anything. She also believes babies should sleep on their bellies which I think is dangerous and whenever she has him always puts him to sleep on his side or belly in his crib (which worries me when she takes him at night) and refuses to listen when I gently tell her he should sleep on his back due to SIDS which she doesn’t believe exists.

She acts like it’s her baby and makes decisions for me and tells me how I should take care of and raise my baby and I barely get any alone time with him without her lurking in the background and she constantly tells my husband that she doesn’t want us moving out and that she wants to be be close to baby and is against us moving slightly further away (even though that’s all we can afford) and is doing all she can to stop it. My husband knows and I have complained to him many times and have had sleepless nights and cried too many times to count! I don’t want to drive her and him apart and he is trying to be the middle man without causing too many arguments. She is very stubborn and doesn’t listen and acts like I am overreacting and gets angry at me for mentioning anything to my husband and as I don’t like confrontation I try to avoid saying anything to her as we all live under the same roof and I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting? Any suggestions? And again sorry if this is too long/in the wrong place.

Christ, this is awful! You need to move out and your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his DM to butt out. MIL is effectively abusing you. She is taking advantage of the living situation and your kind nature to essentially abuse you by separating your from your baby. This is one of the saddest things I have read on here.

I would love you to give us your address and have a clan of tough mumsnetters turn up and read her the riot act! We would get things running tick tock perfect in no time!

I am of course being silly. It is YOU Op who needs to find the strength to put your foot down. And urgently, for your child's safety never mind because it is your right. My instinct is that you have to do this very assertively, as this woman is extremely overbearing. No subtle, gentle requests. I would give her a list of rules and tell her the first time she breaks any of them you will take the baby to a hotel/ friends for several nights. And see it through. And I would move out as quickly as you can.

Some of the things you mention could be viewed as over-enthusiasm and could, in isolation, be treated with a kind steer. But screwing with medication and sleep position is dangerous and supremely arrogant. It needs absolutely categoric, uncompromising authority from you. Find your mama bear and stick to it! You are in the right and we are backing you!

Where is your husband in all of this? It's not up to him to be the middle man - it's up to him to protect his wife and child. And that means standing up to his mother and telling her to back the fuck off.

Go to a hotel - and tell your H that you won't be back until you're sure he's going to put you and your baby first.

Top tip; get a rubber or plastic door wedge and stick it against the door when you're in the bedroom. It will stop her being able to get in whilst you are sleeping.

I actually cant believe what i’ve read and what she is doing to you. Even reading it had me infuriated. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to be heartbroken and upset. This is absolutely rediculous and needs stopped immediately. Im so sorry for the loss of your mother, as this is time youd of liked to have spent with her too and you dont get that option and have unfortunately even had the option of bonding with your own baby snatched off you bg your mother in law.

This is time you will never get back, and you will regret not telling her to stop if you dont. If you’re shy its alot harder, but if thats the case your partner needs to step in massively and tell her to get her hands off him!! You poor thing. You must have the patience of a saint cause id of fell at the first hurdle in the hospital when she first held him, its at that point id of completely told her NO me first.

Im 16 weeks pregnant wih my frist and my partners step mum is trying to be over bearing wjth me already. Telling me our hild MUST be christend, when we aren’t religious, or that we MUST get married, but we aren’t traditional and are happy, or that we MUST find out the sex. Her suggestions alone have annoyed me, but luckily for me im out spoken and more than happy to tell her to keep her nose out.

Im so sorry you have gone through this. Make your mother proud and do whats best for you and your baby! You have every right to sit her down politely and say none of this will be happening anymore. Everytime she takes your baby, take him back saying you want to hold him longer. Everytime she calls him his middle name, correct her, lock your bedroom door at night and make your plans together to move out! Good luck xxxx

You need to get oit of there asap. Your MIL is trampling over so many boundaries I don't know if this is repairable.

Just concentrate on getting out.

You say you have the deposit. How close are you to moving? What needs to happen for you to get out of there?

You're not overreacting. If anything you're under reacting.

Btw if you want to change your baby's name to something you want, it's relatively easy to change the birth cert in the first year.

Your mothering instincts sound spot on, She sounds like a nightmare.

How old is your baby?

She sounds like a nightmare and you need to move out ASAP.

But you also much, must, must stand up for your child!! Now is not the time to be shy and meek and polite. When somebody tries to take your baby out of your arms or take over changing, say NO. Firmly and loudly, and turn away with him. If she tries to insist you need to go full on banshee batshit CRAZY yelling at her to leave you and your baby alone. And tell your partner to back you up loudly Every. Single. Time.

Stop rolling over like a submissive dog and letting her. YOU are the baby's mother, YOU are in charge and YOU know what's best for YOUR baby!

Wow! This was really sad to read. And most concerning. Get a lock on your bedroom door at the very least. Massive invasion of privacy.
How long EXACTLY until you move out? Days? Weeks? Months? Because I'd rather find literally anywhere else to live than put up with that for a second more.
I know your dad is oversees but could you and the baby visit for awhile? Or do you have any other relatives?
Your OH needs to step up as well. This is really damaging and I know you say you don't want to rock the boat, but the damage is already done

This is so so sad to read. She is ruining your first weeks/months with your baby. If I were you I'd go to a letting agent today and get a house to rent ASAP. I'd also be putting a chair under my door handle so she can't sneak in in the night. If she snatched a dummy out of my hand I'd be saying, give that back please, the baby is mine, not yours. If she persists rent a cheap air b&b if you can find one until your house comes through. Your dp is not doing enough. Yes I get that he wants to maintain a relationship with a mother but he is choosing his mother over the happiness of his own little family. His priorities are wrong. You are at your most vulnerable, you had a traumatic birth and should absolutely get what you want. If he's not being supportive book yourself into a hotel or whatever. I could not live in a home like that for one more day. You're 23, not 13, you're more than able to look after a newborn. My mum died before I had my dd and it is massively shit not having a mother around to offer support, but that doesn't mean you mil gets to dictate everything.

The ignoring doctors and sids guidance is really scary. And trying to sabotage your breastfeeding too. She is an awful woman and your dh is a disgrace for letting her bully you like this.

Show your dh this thread and if he doesn't sort his shit out then you'll have to sort it out yourself unfortunately. Have you got any local friends to confide in? A new mum group for instance? You could always ring your hv again and tell them that you're struggling because of your home environment / dh/MIL.

Good luck. You sound very strong so I'm sure you'll get through this. Start standing up for yourself for your own and your baby's sake.

If you can't get a lock on the bedroom door then put a chair under the door handle. Hearing that she takes the baby away in the night and lays him on his front makes my blood run cold.

You need to urgently get space away from this terrible person - you mentioned you're ready to
Move out, so do it ASAP.
Get your DH to support you too and insist you, as mum and him as dad should be consulted about everything and absolutely not taken away at nighttime that's just awful

Good luck, be strong and brave!

Gently OP, you need to stop being so passive. She is doing things that are dangerous for your baby. Whether you hate confrontation or not (most people do t enjoy it) you are a parent now and that means advocating for your baby and their safety. I understand it's difficult but you need to stand up for yourself and your husband should be doing so too (he seems conspicuous by his absence here, which speaks volumes). 'Gently' telling her to not put him down to sleep on his stomach? She is doing something that could KILL HIM. There is no gently about it! That is a hard and fast 'hell no', especially when she's taking your baby away in the night! I can't really believe what I'm reading here!

Blatant husband problem here OP. It's HIS job to make sure you're comfortable and HIS job to sort his mother out.

Get the fucker told and in the meantime get a rubber wedge to keep your bedroom door shut when you're in it.

You need to move out asap.

Ah yes a rubber wedge would be a slightly smaller solution than a chair against the door!

@gamerchick do you not also think OP has a responsibility to protect her child when MIL is putting the child to sleep on their front and the like?

I wouldn't be gentle telling her I would be very forceful. You and your husband need to stand your ground! If it damages the relationship so what she did that not you. Make it crystal clear it is your baby and you are following advise given by trained professionals. whilst you understand and respect she has raised children things have changed since then and the advice she was given as a new mum is not necessarily correct now. Your husband needs to back you up or.your relationship is doomed. Get out of her house as soon as possible x

I couldn't read all of this either it's really upsetting and made me so angry, get yourself and your child as far away from this poisonous bitch as possible.

@gamerchick do you not also think OP has a responsibility to protect her child when MIL is putting the child to sleep on their front and the like?

Well I could and I'm sure you could. I'm old and experienced, the OP is young and timid who has lost her mum and needs the back up of her bloke to stand up to his mother.

This was so hard to read. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. Could you enlist your HV to speak to your mil and DH? You need to move out asap to enforce more of a boundary between you.

OP, just a thought, you can buy small bells to clip onto a handbag or purse to prevent theft. Maybe something like this tied to your door handle could help?

My baby is just over a month old, yes we are planning to move out and have been viewing properties but she is doing everything in her power to discourage us moving out :(

OP, I say this is the nicest way possible - your MIL is not going to change and she is going to continue to do everything in her power to keep things the way they are because it suits her.

If you want things to be different you are going to have to dig deep, put on your big girls pants and do what needs to be done (and accept that she will be upset/angry/condescending etc. and be OK with it). No amount of sad faces are going to make someone else step in and solve it for you so you either need to take action and let her objections wash over you or resign yourself to your fate quietly and effectively let her be the parent and push you out forever.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but more give you a buck up and a jolly along. Your relationship with your child is worth it. It's hard if you're not used to standing up for yourself but you can start and you can do it. The vipers here have some excellent practical advice on this sort of thing ("'no' is a complete sentence", "that doesn't work for us (end of discussion)" and the point about the bells on the door made me laugh but is a good idea!) Good luck on your move which should be asap!

Who the fuck cares if she is discouraging you. It's your life Get the fuck out asap!!
A baby needs his mother. Start getting tough op. Fucking hell

OP as much as I sympathise you really need to stop making excuses and stand up for yourself and your baby. As a PP said, some of what your MIL is doing is dangerous, and it's your responsibility to tackle it. Tell your partner what you want to do, and do it. Either he stays with you or his baby or he stays with his mother. It is better to confront this head on now.

My other suggestion would be to try and find a breastfeeding group if they have any where you live. It can help you build confidence in your ability to feed your baby and stand up to relatives who are being discouraging.

You are not overreacting.
I would hate this too.
Your dh needs to speak to her ASAP.