I feel like I can't survive my twins.

[exhaustedan]

Posting as I just need to get this off my chest.

My twins are 11 weeks old. I have a 2 year old also. I reach my limit with them daily. I try and tell myself everyday that each day is a fresh start and imagine my patience meter filling itself up again but each day is not fresh because I don't sleep. I love them dearly but also find myself waiting for their birth to stop feeling like a mistake.

When I found I was pregnant I was going to terminate as I was due to go to university this September, but when I found it was twins I couldn't bring myself too. My pregnancy was stressful and I had a lot of things going on in my home life, I never felt bonded to them the same way I did with my first daughter. I found the pregnancy a bit of a daydream, I had an emergency section (not what I wanted) which led me to develop an infection that left me bed bound and unable to get down to NICU, when I think of their birth all I can think of was how ill I was. I have never felt worse, I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain and I literally thought I would die. When the smaller twin was born I didn't even see her, she was whisked away. The larger twin stayed with me for a short amount of time but was the whisked off. When they were born I cried because I was scared and overwhelmed, not happiness. When we went home it was straight back to normal life, no honey moon period, and I found myself struggling with housework, my toddler and the twins.

I often find myself thinking that I never asked for twins, why did I end up having twins, and then I feel awful, because so many people struggle to conceive yet I was blessed with two of them, but it's just so hard. They cry and cry, I try and keep them in a routine, feed and the same time 3-4 hours between each feed, nappy changes with every feed, burp and wind, infacol, anti colic bottles from the get go, shush and sing to them, but it's not enough. My toddler doesn't get the attention she deserves off me. If one twin starts crying the other one follows suit, or if I settle one twin the other one will start.

I try and take every day as it comes but everyday is the same, I love them, but I love them because they are my children, they don't smile yet, they don't coo, they just cry and I just feel like screaming because I'm doing my very best. I keep waiting for it to get easier even just a little bit easier and it doesn't. I just need some hope that it's going to get better.

Just need a shoulder to cry on.

Op Have you any rl family support/partner? Asking your midwife for a birth debrief might help with the trauma of your labour. Do you think you might have pnd?

I can't even imagine how difficult twins are.

I'd forget the pressure of a routine at this point I think. I would go with whatever is easiest for you to get through each day.

Do you have any real life support?

Have you heard of Homestart? They are a family support charity that can provide some respite for you and you can refer yourself in

www.home-start.org.uk/find-your-nearest-home-start

Twins can nearly break you, I say this as a twin mum and friend of several other twin mums.
I think 11 weeks was about when I was at my worst. My tiredness was never ending and I had no routine.
It does get easier, the first year is hard but I reckon you might have made it to the hardest point.
For me a routine was a life line. For other friends they made it through with various forms of co sleeping and attachment parenting.
But it does get easier.

I have twins. They’re 8 now but I completely understand how you feel. When my two were small it felt so hard. I didn’t feel like I could enjoy them and W everything just felt like a huge effort. I remember watching people with one baby and thinking that they had it way easier.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
I love that I have twins now and I wish I’d have known back then that I’d feel like this one day.
If you want any support, message me xx

Oh love that sounds so shit.
Sometimes the love takes time to come (I don't have twins so had it easy and I still had to 'get to know them' before it came)
Can you afford a 'mother's help'? Is your DMum or DMIL nearby? Can DH take a few Fridays off as annual leave or unpaid? Can you put DD2 into some childcare (nursery?) for an extra day? Can you afford an emergency nanny for a week to catch up on your sanity?
You are a person too. The fact you are getting through this, however rough you look and feel and whatever Nutella-based crap your other child is happily living off is testament to what a heroine you are. Can Sainsbury's deliver more Nutella? Can you get a cleaner? Can you call a friend to come round and listen to you cry and tell them how much you hate your children?

@FairyJuice my family are very supportive however they all work, and they all have their own lives too. What is a birth debrief ?? I've never heard of that. I had PND after my first daughter and this doesn't feel the same at all, I don't know what this is, just not a nice feeling x

@avocadoincident if I didn't have some sort of routine I'd go insane, I have to keep them in the loop or else everything will go out of the window. It's just so hard to keep even a basic routine of 3/5 hourly feeds, bum changes etc. Never heard of that, I'll have a look x.

I’ve got a friend who had twins when I had my eldest. It looked so hard. She didn’t think she had traditional PND but antidepressants did help her. Maybe go and talk to your GP.

It's bloody hard having twins especially ones that cry a lot. I've been there (mine are 11 next month). I had it easier than you as my eldest was already in school. The days are long but tbh it's mainly survival. Take whatever help you can and be kind to yourself. You will get through it and you will enjoy your children. The amount of times I honestly fantasised about driving into a tree in that first year but I came out the other end.

FML. OP I'm 30.5 weeks pregnant with unexpected twins, and this is exactly what I fear.

I am here 24/7 (can't sleep with 8 arms and legs kicking me) if you want to message and vent to someone who won't judge at all.

Where is DH in all this? Is there anyone friend or family who can come round and do one night's feeding for you so you can sleep and regain some sanity?

How is your section healing? How do you feel health wise?

@dreichwinter i feel like evrything is falling apart, I can't cook, I can't clean, sleep, eat, do anything without one of them crying at me, even after I've done everything they could possibly need. I just need it to get a teeny bit better, then I could cope better x

@Lifeiscrazy6 yes, I look at the times I thought were hard With my first born and I literally had no idea, she was an amazing baby, she was very easy and hardly cried, so these two are very hard work to me, I just wish they'd start being more like 3 month olds. No one prepares you for the fact your twins will stay newborns for months. X

@WineIsMyCarb no can't afford any help :( DD2 goes to nursery every afternoon but as everyone works and I don't drive yet I have to take twins there and back to drop her off and pick her up, but the time I've dropped her off I maybe have 2 hours before I have to set off to pick her up so often it's a mad run around the house to straighten up and then give the twins a feed before I have to set back off for her. Partner is on minimum wage for one job and unpaid for another as he is an apprentice in his second job so can't take any time off work as we can't afford it and I would never ask him to leave his apprentice as he's training to do something he loves. Haha my daughter is currently living off tescos hazelnut filled churros which she loves (I eat the swished leftovers). I hardly have any friends, funny they all seem to vanish when you have children x

I was about to suggest Homestart but can see I've been beaten to it!

I'm a Homestart volunteer, we run a multiple birth group once a week - lovely for mums to come along and chat to other twin mums and realise they're not alone. There's a few volunteers so always someone available to cuddle the babies .

I also support a family in their own home. My current family have young twins. I just sit with them, Mum gets to have a shower etc. I love it! Worth a look if you think this is something you'd be interested in @exhaustedan

Let them cry. For five minutes. Put them in their cots, and shut the door. Breathe. Nothing is going to happen to them, you're right there.

Sod cooking. Ready meal everything. Even if that's what you eat for 6 months, it's no disaster in the scheme of things.

DP needs to do the cleaning. You are not coping and you are doing everything. Show him this thread. Tell him you are struggling and need his help.

@AllTheWhoresOfMalta will book to see GP. It definitely doesn't feel like traditional PND but could be some form of it I suppose.

@twinsufficient yep I literally feel like I'm just trying to get through the day, everyday. People come up to me in supermarkets and ask if it's hard and I smile and tell them no it's not that bad but I feel like crying at them because it's non of their business and yes of course it's hard, who would find it easy ? I just need to come out of the tunnel slightly.

@Courtney555 nope no one apart from DH but he does a mid night feed and then i do the rest as he gets up with our eldest at 6am when she wakes up. Health wise fine, apart from mentally feeling like I'm going nuts. The infection was awful , literally felt like I was dying. I'm fine now, just numb around the incision. I remember the 30 week mark, awful. I'm sure it's not the same for everyone, I'm sure people just have moments when it's hard but I feel like it's constantly hard. x

I would still talk to hv , gp about how you are feeling ,
Find forum for Twins or local group. Find parents who are living through the same thing .

Twin mum here. God I hear you! As soon as I read your title I had to come and offer virtual support.

I echo pp of GP and antidepressants- life is really hard for you at the moment, there’s no quick fix.

11 weeks - they’ll be some much ‘older’ in another couple of weeks. Hang in there.

Don’t worry about bonding. Happens at different times for everyone but I do think it takes longer to bond with twins because there’s so much to do and your tired.

You’ll get paid back for this feel of over work when they start playing and keeping each other amused.

Watched mine in a school assembly today and I sent up a quick thanks for them but in the early days / months I was going exactly like you and they were much wanted IVF babies so don’t feel bad.

I’m rambling. Keep going. You’ve got this.

Fuuuuuck @exhaustedan
Do you know what, lay the fucking routine-law down, but more hazelnut churros and let the house go to shit.
Can DD do fewer days at nursery but whole days? Farting around getting twins in and out of house twice a day sounds like hell.
Can any family members come for 1 hour after work and supervise beans on toast eating while you lie in bed alone with no one touching you or asking you any questions or whining/crying?
Don't know why I'm trying the whole 'helpful advice' thing. I hate it when it's offered to me.

Your situation sounds incredibly hard and you have my admiration and sympathy.

Re sleeping me and DP divided the 12/14 hours through the night. He would get up from 5am onwards and look after them early evening so I could bath, rest, think, cry etc.
Knowing I could sleep again at 5am got me through the nights.

No real answers, but I found the best way to cope with twins was to keep them in a routine! I b/f, but gave them both a bottle at 6 pm, so I could cook dinner. The 1st 6 months, we ate basic food like grilled meat, jacket potatoes and veg. Cooking something like shepherds pie was beyond my imagination, because peeling potatoes and mashing them was way too complex, given how tired I was.

The other key to survival imo, was being very organised - I could not have coped in a chaotic lifestyle. One baby can fit into a chaotic lifestyle, but twins don’t!

Is there a twins club near you? Really, talking to other parents of twins is a massive help! Then, you can see everybody else is struggling too. Nobody in my twins club found it a walk in the park!

OP, have a look at post-natal PTSD - the Mind website have a good section on it. If PND doesn't quite fit, this might. I hope you find a way to continue to cope and enjoy your babies. I can't even imagine how hard twins must be.

I remember those first few months. I remember feeling utterly exhausted, not good enough, and like I could easily walk out and not go back. My twins are now 8 months old and I can't imagine my life without them. My god those first 3 months were the worst. Please believe me when I say it gets remarkably easier from month 3-4. They turn into little human beings almost miraculously and your other little one will enjoy being around them so much more.

Keep going. You've got this. Twins are difficult enough to deal with without another child to care for. But the light at the end of the tunnel is coming. Sending lots of twin Mumma hugs.

I got a cleaner, I was lucky we could afford this.
We ate super easy food for the first six months.
DH brought me up breakfast and tea every morning so I had something to eat and drink.
Often he left me a sandwich in the fridge.
I never looked at a day as a whole day, I couldn't face that, I broke it down into little chunks. Maybe four parts, each had a small goal, clean bottles, eat lunch, put wash on.
I watched a lot of junk tv, all of midsummer murders.
Sometimes I just cried with exhaustion, alongside crying babies.
But they did take to the routine around 5 months and life became so much better.
💐

Twins are bloody hard work! Mine are now 21 months, but those first few months were easy at times and torture for a lot of it, I honestly thought I was going to die from lack of sleep at one point.

I didn’t even feel like their mum until they were 12 weeks old, and sought help for my pnd when they were 8 months old. It was like the world became colour, and I finally had that rush of deep mad love once I started taking ads. Before, I knew I loved them but I didn’t feel it if that makes sense, and I’d dread the next cry for a feed, because I just could not cope with any more.

It does get better, I promise. It’s not so far become ‘easy’ for me, but most days are good, some days are magic, and the bad days are infrequent enough for me to tell myself it’s just a bad day and it’ll be better tomorrow.

Do you have a twin group in your area? Mine has been a lifesaver, it’s great being with other twin parents who just get it. Could your dp have the babies so you can get out even for a couple of hours to have some silence and peace?

My dd was a crier, sometimes I just had to leave her crying for a few minutes and leave the room to get myself together to go back in and carry on. She weirdly does even now sometimes like to cry herself to sleep, there’s nothing I could do to console her. Do you have baby rocker swings or bouncy chairs for them? I’d pop mine in theirs and they’d be quite happy for a spell so I could be baby free.

It could be worth having a chat with your gp or hv to see about either medication or some additional support. My hv would come round once a week in the early months to chat to me, and would sometimes watch the babies so I could get some housework done (there’s no homestart here).

Having twins is overwhelming but it really DOES get better. I can’t remember anything of my dts first 3 months. Hard to think there will be light at the end of the tunnel, but the light will soon flood into your life again. Stay strong, so much to look forward to!

You are amazing I had one crying baby at a time who didn't sleep I can't imagine how I would have coped with twins.
Please reach out for help. xx