I feel like I can't survive my twins.

[exhaustedan]

Posting as I just need to get this off my chest.

My twins are 11 weeks old. I have a 2 year old also. I reach my limit with them daily. I try and tell myself everyday that each day is a fresh start and imagine my patience meter filling itself up again but each day is not fresh because I don't sleep. I love them dearly but also find myself waiting for their birth to stop feeling like a mistake.

When I found I was pregnant I was going to terminate as I was due to go to university this September, but when I found it was twins I couldn't bring myself too. My pregnancy was stressful and I had a lot of things going on in my home life, I never felt bonded to them the same way I did with my first daughter. I found the pregnancy a bit of a daydream, I had an emergency section (not what I wanted) which led me to develop an infection that left me bed bound and unable to get down to NICU, when I think of their birth all I can think of was how ill I was. I have never felt worse, I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain and I literally thought I would die. When the smaller twin was born I didn't even see her, she was whisked away. The larger twin stayed with me for a short amount of time but was the whisked off. When they were born I cried because I was scared and overwhelmed, not happiness. When we went home it was straight back to normal life, no honey moon period, and I found myself struggling with housework, my toddler and the twins.

I often find myself thinking that I never asked for twins, why did I end up having twins, and then I feel awful, because so many people struggle to conceive yet I was blessed with two of them, but it's just so hard. They cry and cry, I try and keep them in a routine, feed and the same time 3-4 hours between each feed, nappy changes with every feed, burp and wind, infacol, anti colic bottles from the get go, shush and sing to them, but it's not enough. My toddler doesn't get the attention she deserves off me. If one twin starts crying the other one follows suit, or if I settle one twin the other one will start.

I try and take every day as it comes but everyday is the same, I love them, but I love them because they are my children, they don't smile yet, they don't coo, they just cry and I just feel like screaming because I'm doing my very best. I keep waiting for it to get easier even just a little bit easier and it doesn't. I just need some hope that it's going to get better.

Just need a shoulder to cry on.

You are doing so well, it's very, very hard at this stage, it does get easier, soon. I had the same age gap and felt the same about the bond, my eldest was doted on and had my undivided attention, it took longer to even get to know the babies and bond with them while trying to manage everything. I had a c-section and infection, recovering from that is hard, throw in 3 kids and it's incredibly hard! Try to let go of any guilt.

You mention colic, in hindsight I think one of mine had reflux, check that out with your GP. I would suggest getting yourself checked, your iron may be low, thyroid can go wonky after pregnancy etc, I actually think post partum women should have a blood test as standard. If your physical resources are low (of course they are) you wont be feeling 100%.

ASK for help, people want to help. If any family can even call in once or twice a week to sit with the kids while you shower/go for a walk/sleep for an hour. I used to go to walk around Tesco aimlessing some nights when DH got in from work

Take short cuts, easy meals, basic cleaning only, movie mornings for your eldest, but try to get out for a walk some days if you can. Listen to talk radio for a bit of company!

Do you have bouncy chairs for them? I found those very handy.

You will look back and wonder how you did this, but you will do it. Be kind to yourself.

Whilst I'm not exactly an expert to comment as there was a year between my 1st and 2nd...that was enough to almost kill me. So I imagine it's something like that x10. Firstly, you're justified as fuck for struggling or feeling like you're struggling and also questioning everything and wondering how you're going to get through it...but het through it you will! There'll be a poijt in the not so distant future where you'll be laugjing your ass off at some funny comment they make anf you'll remember the baby days fondly (but with a big shudder!!!). In the meantime...GRAB SUPPORT. From everyone, anyone. Speak to your HV, GP, family, friends. If my mate or cousin or even an acquaintance was struggling I'd be there like a shot. You'll be surprised at the offers once you come out and say...this is fucking hard...please can you help. Even if you can cadge just an hour or three of extra sleep per week, omg you'll be like a new woman.

I've read everyone's responses and kind words. I will be going to GP to ask for antidepressants, this morning I'm so stressed I'm dizzy, typical morning : get up, stood up, started my period so blood goes everywhere sorry for TMI, clean that up, go downstairs, wash sterilise bottles, put washer on, put wet washing in dryer, wipe milk and cereal off floor from DD1 breakfast, go upstairs to screaming twins, feed both, TW2 has massive poo, leaks everywhere over clean bedding I changed yday, continues screaming, DD1 come upstairs and pours cup of Ribena on the floor, clearly attention seeking, Chuck towel over it, great more washing, sit on bed crying trying to shush twins and tell my daughter it's okay whilst looking at my cold cup of coffee and the absolutely crap tip that is my bedroom.

Will look for twins club. Will look online for more tips in handling twins. MIL is coming over this afternoon.

Just feels like I'm drowning.

Also movin house not next week, week after so have to pack a house up

Yes to Homestart. You can self refer. I’m a volunteer and have supported a mum with 6 children including 2 sets of twins. Like the other volunteer said earlier, it’s a 3 hour slot in the week where you could do something for yourself or just have an extra adult to chat to and give an extra pair of hands.

Just googled and we do have homestsrt in our area so will ring on Monday - do you ring ? Hopefully someone can help me.

I've got twins and totally get how shit it can be. There's no comparing it to a single baby is there lol, mine are two now and whilst challenging in different ways the shit times have got better x

Please be completely honest with friends and family about how hard you are finding this. I didn’t with my twins, felt I had to just crack on and cope with it and it was bloody hard and I didn’t have a 2 year old to deal with either!

As mine got older and friends/family heard about how I struggled they all said I should have asked for help and they would have popped in after work/weekends.

And it does get easier .... until they hit their teens

Unless you’re open about this people just assume you’re fine and they don’t want to interfere .... lots of people would help you out I bet if they knew how much you needed it.

That sounds really, really tough.

What happens at the weekends? Can your DH take care of the DCs while you go to a relative or friend’s house and sleep?

I know you say your relatives work but maybe if you told them how tough things are for you they could take it in turns to give you a break, even if it meant taking holiday from work to do it.

I also know you said DH is doing an apprenticeship he loves but is there no way he can postpone this? It seems a bit indulgent of him to be doing this when you are struggling with so much. Can he not get a paid second job so you can get a cleaner or more hours for DD1 at nursery? Or postpone the apprenticeship for a year and help you out?

Just wanted to say you are doing brilliantly you're all still alive and the house hasn't burned down so give yourself a clap on the back! Home start are fantastic and so supportive, a couple of mums I know go to them and it's made such a difference. I would definitely go to docs as.you maybe do need a little medical help to help you think a little clearer and realise you haven't got an easy job.but it will get better!

No advice as I had a bigger age gap and no twins but I really found the sleep deprivation baby bit hard and baby twins plus 2 year old sounds like my absolute worst nightmare!! Take any and all help you can get from your family and be honest with anyone you know about how hard you're finding it. Even if people are working they could cook you a meal for the freezer or take your toddler out at the weekend. Or come round in the evening and do some washing up. But if you keep saying you're fine they might not want to disturb you so be honest!!

What area are you in OP? I help with twins (I'm a nanny) and have only just come to appreciate how hard it is having never worked with twins in a family before. I'd happily come and lend a hand if you were near me! I don't mean as work, just to volunteer some time and help so you can feel a bit like yourself again :)

Sounds like you are doing beautifully. You are doing your best, and chaos is the best you can get in these circumstances. I’ve felt like you describe various times with two that are nearly 3 years apart. Recently someone told me of a friend who had a baby by ivf in January this year, then fell pregnant naturally with twins by accident who are due in December. I actually felt traumatised even by the thought! Poor woman. Sometimes it really feels like you will die with fatigue doesn’t it. Go, home start, family - do everything you can to survive and I’m sure you will, but try not to expect much more than survival for a few more months at least. Oh and mumsnet moaning - always helps. And chocolate.

Awww @JollyHolly30, you’re lovely

I'd definitely speak to nursery about switching hours around if you can. The nursery that I work at would definitely do their best to help with that and many children there with funded hours do a mix of long and short days. I know some settings don't offer this but it's worth asking. It sounds really hard going with all the traveling.

Yes you can self refer so give them a call. As far as I can remember from my training, multiple births are one of the priorities for allocating a volunteer.

OP I think you sound amazing! I don't have twins but wanted to say I think it's great you have identified you are struggling and you have some ways forward.

Remember PND isn't one size fits all, so you may have PND but it just feels different this time.

Hopefully between your GP, home start and asking family for more help you can find a way forward.

Definitely make life as easy as you can for yourself, ie with DP make time for one of you to batchcook/make simple meals/drop standards a bit around housework. Anything that makes your life easier. Tell family and friends you are exhausted, they will hopefully surprise you with ways they can help

@JollyHolly30 aren't you just an amazing person for even offering, I'm around Manchester. X

Read everyone's posts again ! Not been able to reply as everything has been so hectic, been trying to pack our house up a little bit this weekend, twins have been inconsolable tonight. Weekends most Saturdays MIL comes over to help but her father, DPs granddad has terminal cancer so she is strapped for time, and I don't expect her to put whatever precious hours she has left with her dad aside to come and help me. Unfortunately DPs apprenticeship needs to be done now so we can afford to live when I go to university, so it's a long run kind of thing as the wage he will earn once the apprenticeship is completed is a good one. We actually got a leaflet through the door from a cleaning company yesterday! You get your first clean free, I'm thinking maybe once a month we get the house cleaned professionally and then we just have to keep it manageable till the next clean. My daughter is switching nursery this month so will maybe ask about full days although she will be exhausted afterwards making her difficult so not sure if it would be worth it.

I'm going to self refer tomorrow to homestart so hopefully I can get some help once we have moved. Definitely will be speaking to GP and HV when she next drops in x

It's good to hear you sounding more positive and thinking of some strategies to help. But don't expect too much of yourself - baby twins plus 2 year old is hard enough but house move as well must be so tough. Wishing you lots of happiness in your new house.

Hugest of huge sympathies. I have twins and 10/11 weeks was my breaking point, and I didn’t have any other children to worry It. You’re doing so well.

Putting a strict routine in place was the only thing that saved me, even though it’s frowned upon round these parts.

I wish so much I’d spoken to someone about how hard i was finding it. I struggled for a long long time.