I feel like I can't survive my twins.

[exhaustedan]

Posting as I just need to get this off my chest.

My twins are 11 weeks old. I have a 2 year old also. I reach my limit with them daily. I try and tell myself everyday that each day is a fresh start and imagine my patience meter filling itself up again but each day is not fresh because I don't sleep. I love them dearly but also find myself waiting for their birth to stop feeling like a mistake.

When I found I was pregnant I was going to terminate as I was due to go to university this September, but when I found it was twins I couldn't bring myself too. My pregnancy was stressful and I had a lot of things going on in my home life, I never felt bonded to them the same way I did with my first daughter. I found the pregnancy a bit of a daydream, I had an emergency section (not what I wanted) which led me to develop an infection that left me bed bound and unable to get down to NICU, when I think of their birth all I can think of was how ill I was. I have never felt worse, I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain and I literally thought I would die. When the smaller twin was born I didn't even see her, she was whisked away. The larger twin stayed with me for a short amount of time but was the whisked off. When they were born I cried because I was scared and overwhelmed, not happiness. When we went home it was straight back to normal life, no honey moon period, and I found myself struggling with housework, my toddler and the twins.

I often find myself thinking that I never asked for twins, why did I end up having twins, and then I feel awful, because so many people struggle to conceive yet I was blessed with two of them, but it's just so hard. They cry and cry, I try and keep them in a routine, feed and the same time 3-4 hours between each feed, nappy changes with every feed, burp and wind, infacol, anti colic bottles from the get go, shush and sing to them, but it's not enough. My toddler doesn't get the attention she deserves off me. If one twin starts crying the other one follows suit, or if I settle one twin the other one will start.

I try and take every day as it comes but everyday is the same, I love them, but I love them because they are my children, they don't smile yet, they don't coo, they just cry and I just feel like screaming because I'm doing my very best. I keep waiting for it to get easier even just a little bit easier and it doesn't. I just need some hope that it's going to get better.

Just need a shoulder to cry on.

That's such a shame you're so far away OP. I'm in Scotland and have loved helping with the twins so much. It would have been a pleasure to lend you a hand if I'd been a wee bit closer.

Good luck with Homestart, I know a little about it and your situation is exactly what they're there to help with. Definitely be honest with them if you feel you're struggling. It's amazing how much more you'll enjoy your babies if you manage to get a bit of a rest/time for yourself.

How did you get on with the self referral @exhaustedan ? . Do also speak to the HV sooner rather than later ( do you have a drop in service near you?), as they sometimes run support groups too, or can recommend one. My HS twin mum attends one weekly - no help in the home but it's a great place for her to release her anxieties etc.

I'd ring the health visitor tomorrow OP - they will know support groups etc. I had a few mental health issues when my DD was born, my HV referred me to a craft group with a crèche. It was a breath of fresh air, just for an hour or two a week.

You sound like you're doing an amazing job. Deep breaths and just keep swimming xxx

Thought I would update as only just logged back into mumsnet since moving house. 12 weeks was definitely our peak, developed a strict feeding routine which has helped me A LOT. twins are now much more settled and I cut myself some slack with the housework, and started doing slow cooker dinners. Thankyou everyone for your kind words and advice, I really really needed it, they are now nearly 4 months and things are feeling a lot better and I feel much more bonded to them x

Good to hear you've come through that phase. Be kind to yourself .

Great update OP!

I salute anyone with twins. My db and sil came to stay for a few days at ours a couple of weeks ago and they have 6 month old old twins (and a 5 year old) and it was relentless. I have 5 dc and they are hard work but twins are on a different level. Db and Sil didn't sit down the 3 days they was here, and they didn't eat a hot meal they ate cold food with one hand while juggling a baby in the other. Sil looks Ill and is a size 6 (was a 8/10 before) I told them to go out one night and I'd look after the babies,Jesus Christ I was knackered and immediately went to bed once they was home.