My child's presence annoys me so much I am starting to resent him - I'm scared!

[oldrosie]

I am really struggling with feelings against my adopted son. He irritates me so much that when he is around me my heart races and I want to scream. I don't scream btw. I just have these really hateful feelings towards him he annoys me so much and it scares me.

Every tiny little things he does annoys me. They way he talks, the way he acts, the way he plays dumb, they way he makes annoying noises, the way he hits the annoys the other kids behind my back slyly. I can't help but just not like him - even my mum says the same thing when she stays with us. I've tried different tactics like shower him with praise to give him confidence and the opposite to be harder on him and nothing works.

He is not particularly naughty just needy and attention seeking and I want to give him more attention but he just wants more and more of everyone and everything.

He has no interests he just walks round complaining about being bored and not knowing what to do. We suggest things and he just says NO. NO is his favourite word.

He is also very clingy and is always trying to hug and kiss me and that annoys me too because a second before he's just been annoying.

My other children act up but can reason with them and are charismatic and I love being round them.

I've tried to talk to my husband about this and he just adds to the problem by laughing at his silly behaviour and putting him on a pedestal.

Please say help I feel so stressed by this and it's been months now and it not got any easier.

I must add he is 8 years old. I'm hoping it's a phase or it's his age.

Also I can't speak to my husband anymore about it because he doesn't understand and we end up arguing about it. He takes it so personally and I just don't feel supported.

What were the circumstances of the adoption ?

I'll be honest this is just not fair!
You need to speak to your HV or contact social services. Your adopted son doesn't deserve to be treated this way.
Has it ever crossed your mind that he may be clingy and needy because he sensed the vibe from you feeling the way you do about him? He's a child!
Your mother's comments aren't helpful either!
Poor boy

I’d ask to get this moved to the adoption topic if one exists OP. I fear you may get u helpful replies in this topic from people who do not understand how difficult adoption can be.

Can you post this on the adoption board OP? I think you'll get more advice there, this sounds very hard.

Poor boy, no wonder he’s doing everything in his power to get your attention

yabu... whatever the reason for adoption he is going to have abandonment issues. You need to step up and love this out of him. Please please make him feel secure... every standard kid ‘knows’ their parents won’t/shouldn’t leave them. Until they do. Seriously you adopted... so please stand by the promise you made

Poor child. Why did you adopt him?

1. The fact that I've adopted him doesn't make a difference you can be irritated by biological or step children.
2. There is no poor boy needed. He is well looked after and loved and I give him loads of attention and organise tons of activities that he loves and sign him up to clubs and drive him everywhere for him to enjoy them also in the hope that will help him through whatever phase this is and help me through it too. Organise play dates and read him bed time stories each night - you've completely jumped to conclusions I didn't say I didn't give him attention. I give him the most attention that's the whole point of this post.

3 I've obviously wrote this post in desperation to feel differently than I do.

1. My name does not begin with A

Sounds to me like this little boy didn't get enough attention if any in his previous home. He isn't seeking your attention but revelling in it. I'd say this is a phase tho and as time goes on and his confidence and sense of security builds his behaviour will adapt to his surroundings.

Through intensive studying of attachment issues with my bio kid, I've done to learn a lot about adopted kids, and it's not easy in the slightest. I had no idea so many adoptees had this AD. And hadn't therefore appreciated why.

But I can honestly say, when my eldest (now 12+) was 7/8, she was like you describe your son. And my youngest is currently 8 and is also as you describe. I'd say it's a bit of an age thing. By the time he is 12ish, or even 10, expect him to happily sit playing in his phone/ iPad/ Xbox or writing memes and videochatting with friends.

I felt disgusted with myself for ever feeling negatively about being round my kid. But we all have SEN in my household and it can sometimes be difficult for each of us to tolerate the rest.

Please do try to show him you love him though. They pick up on this stuff so easily

Ok thanks Mum I'll just send him back into social services according to your answers. Jesus Christ what's wrong with you people.

Il trying to get help to raise a well rounded and secure human being.

Im his mum and I don't see it any differently whether he's adopted or not is immaterial to me.

I feel irritated by him at the moment and have done for a few months that's the issue. Does anyone have any advice or tips or experience in getting through these feelings or help my son become easier to deal with?

Thank you so so so so much @ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies this means so much. I definitely show him I love him - he does not know how I feel deep down I know that.

Sorry no advice or experience to offer but just keep trying with him. Ignore the daft posters on here, very unsupportive to your cry for help. You sound like a good person just needing some help.

I dont sense much compassion from you, or much understanding about how trauma can affect the brain & mind of a child.

I have never met a biological parent/ or a foster/adoptive parent that describes such high levels of irritation .

You don't seem right for this child .

You make a thread about being irritated by your adopted child to the point it causes physical symptoms and point out a certain collusion of bad feeling between you and your mother then wonder why people say - he's probably picking up on it and it's not a great environment for him.

If you want the world to agree with you ( like mum does) don't come on social media.

Poor lad I feel for him.

Do you know much about attachment theory. His behaviour sounds like an ambivalent attachment style which can be very wearing but understanding why he behaves as he does might help with managing your feelings towards him.

Ask Mn to move this to the adoption board, OP.

How long has your son been placed with you?

Sorry missed a ?

And i think you are missing the point entirely... play dates, activities , driving him places is not what he is wanting.

He wants & needs time to build that attachment. The attachment is what helps him feel safe as a child .

How does he get on with the other kids? (aside from the hitting)
How is he at school?
Mine has had me feeling resentment at times but only fleetingly (we have bad days where we just can't get along), I usually find telling myself off(in my head obviously) and getting him to do something alone helps, Yes I've used screen time.

The wanting affection is hard at these times but if we're not getting along I understand why he wants affection...it doesn't make it easier at the time although I am wracked with guilt after bedtime.

I've got no real advice but this is how it goes in our house. Mine also picks on his younger brother a lot which is often a flashpoint