Potty/toilet training DS 3.3yrs , hit a brick wall, help!

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Hi! The closest we have got is him sitting on the trainer seat on the loo fully clothed and reading a story for which he gets a sticker and 2 smarties. He will not practice without nappy. The background has been as follows - we did try to encourage using a potty last summer, but he resisted and my back problems stop me from lifting him too much. We left it but talked to him now and then, his friends started to do it quite naturally without persuasion and I thought with time this would happen too?. We moved house (very slowly due to lots of renovation) when he was 2.8yrs so knew there was no way we could do the Gina Ford way until we were settled again. This wasn?t until just after his 3rd birthday. He started a new nursery and they started to push him and me, and made me feel terrible that he was not trained by age 2!. Meanwhile all relatives, grandparents, aunts etc, have been pushing him and me. The health visitor says push him using all bribery possible and I should definitely get him out of nappies very soon. I feel dreadful, and a total failure.

We discovered recently that he is scared of the loo and possibly thinks he will fall in, but refuses the potty. Any encouragement to use either he says ?No!? and crys. I cant seem to bribe him to the next stage with anything. All relatives and friends and nursery have been asked not to talk to him about it or discuss it in his presence, but I don?t know what is said when I am not around. My last action was taken from the ?What to expect? book, where I have asked him to tell me when he is ready to stop using nappies and use the loo or potty for wee and poo. He kind of liked this.. I think?

I am pregnant due in 2 months and have pressure from dad and all others to get him out of nappies before baby comes. Does it really matter???

Is there such a thing as someone who will visit you at home and help do it with you??

Does anyone have a DS as stubborn as mine??

Thanks very much (mumsnet first timer)

Hi can't really be of too much help except to say that I started a thread recently about how to approach the very afraid of the toilet child. DS is 3 next month and completely and utterly anti toilets, potties, big boy pants the whole caboodle. We have a box of goodies on the windowsill behind the toilet which is his big boy box, he sees the contents regularly and it contains all kinds of bribes including LOLLIES which is the prize of all prizes but still not enough to convince him. We talk about it often and I did recently convince him to put big boy pants on over his nappy which is the closest we have come to any progress (lasted the morning then he begged and sobbed for them to be taken off) We talk about how he is a big boy in other ways and that just like other big boys he will use the toilet soon, I let him role play with his stuffed toys about toilets (Hey, Monkey just told me he needs to do wees and poohs on the toilet can you help him) He loves this even though he won't go himeself, I also have a couple of books "I want my potty" by Tony Ross, "On YOur Potty" a Bartholamew Bear book by Virginia Millar and one call All by Myself (can't remember who wrote it) which he will ask to listen to often so I know it is on his mind. I am happy to take things in baby steps and praise the socks off any attempts he makes. I am not sure what is holding my ds back but with yours if it is fear of falling in you could do some size play with him, get different containers and objects talk about what will fit and what won't move onto what will your finger fit into, what is it too big to fit into, what will your foot and then what will your bottom fit into, what is it to big to fit into etc so that he gains an understanding that he is too big to fit down the toilet after a while. Don't know if this will help but it might?

Thanks for this, good idea about showing the size of things etc, will try it. We did try pants a while ago, but he just held his willy, wouldnt wee and would cry because he might wet himself... it was painful to see..

My ds also didn't want to wear his pants and had no interest in a potty/toilet. I think it is fairly natural to resist change, but i got up one day and told him it was time to wear big boy pants. He was not pleased, but I refused to put his nappy on, though he did beg and since he couldn't do it himself I got to decide

The first day was hellish, with lots of accidents, but he did catch on very quickly and was completely trained in 10 days. I do think tough love was the key for us.

I hope you see some progress soon xx

ps my ds was 2.6

My son is 2 yrs 5 months; my wife and I have been trying for 4 weeks and seem to be going backwards. When you ask if he "needs the potty" he answers "no", and then disappears and wees and poos wherever he can. We have tried stickers, loads of praise, leaving him to do it alone, pants off all day and nothing seems to work at present. My wife is 7 months pregnant with our 2nd and the potty training is stressing her "BIG TIME". I am involved and trying to help but not going according to plan, (assuming there was a plan in the first place). What can I do to help?

Thanks. I am finding the other peoples opinions hard - the relatives I can sort of ignore, but the health visitor pushing us to get him trained in the next 2 months, she must be joking! does it really matter that he is not out of nappies when the baby comes along?? Is my ds the only boy over 3 to not be toilet trained???

Personally I would leave it completely, 2 months before a new baby when he doesn't want to toilet train sounds like a nightmare in the making.

Waiting until after the baby is born (and in the meantime just drop the whole thing altogether, do not mention it) seems much better to me. He may even decide that he doesn't want to wear nappies anymore like his new BABY sibling or peer pessure may get to him as well - wanting to be a big boy like his friends.

He won't be going to school in nappies so just remove the pressure and angst for now

I would agree with previous post - now is not the time to even consider it with a newborn on the way as its just too much of an upheaval for them. Leave it till the new one arrives and hopefully it will prompt him more when he sees the baby wearing nappies. We had the same grief from EVERYONE about how we "didn't want 2 in nappies together" and I have to say for those first few weeks life is easier by the fact that they are in nappies together - you change one and then the other - how hard is that! I too am getting very stressed about the whole thing as EVERYONE has an opinion on when you should be doing it and then judging you about whether they are trained or not - oh and the competition "they did it in 2 days" and even "she trained herself". My advice - avoid the HV, don't tell her (make sure he's down the park when she visits with the newborn!) and just lie to everyone.

Personally I am of the tough love school of thought. BUT I think this arbitrary deadline of 2 months before the baby is born is ridiculous - setting you both up for a regression once the baby arrives. If you start now, he will only be newly trained when the baby arrives, and so, will quite probably still be in the needing to go immeiately and needing help phase. And it will be a huge weapon to hold over you whenever you are feeding/settling/changing the baby. So I would leave it altogether until the baby is about 3 months old (unless the impetus comes from him in the meantime) and then go for it big time at that point.

My ds (3.1) was just like yours until last week when all of a sudden he started wearing pants. We were also doing the bribery thing but I think you just have to wait until he wants to do it.

if it helps, my ds is 3 yrs and 3 months... I spent 3 weeks of school hols trying to pt, failed.... he is in pull ups and starts nursery tomorrow.... I don't know when we will crack the potty training thing but I know we will get there with or without other peoples disapproval...

you obviously have enough to do with the new baby coming, I would keep talking to your ds about the loo, get dh to take him to the loo when he can... my dd is 6 and talks to my ds about going to the loo.... she was pt by 2yrs and 9 months, not without problems but it was much easier... I was pg with ds at the time... so it is possible to do... if you are going to try, just get your ds to be pantless at first, maybe let him choose a potty? and stay in for a week at least, you do need grim determination....

Thanks to all of you, its great to hear that I'm not the only one with a 3yrs plus ds that doesnt succumb to other peoples standards!
The nursery are being more helpful now, and he has made a couple of little steps of his own, bless him.. I will be leaving things as they are until the baby comes, recover, then get on with it around xmas i guess..?