Potty training - my nightmare!

[JudgeJudyAndExecutioner]

Ok I started trying to potty train my eldest ds (3 in Oct) last week. He is a private kind of a boy, covers his face when he is doing a poo etc. He will sit on a potty or the toilet happily enough but won't do anything in it.

My dh works long hours and only home at weekends. So last weekend ds needed a wee I could tell but was busy changing my youngest (I have a nearly 2 year old and a 5 month old) so I asked dh to get him on his potty right now!

He did typical bloke thing and unenthusiastically said "Do you need the potty, come here" for a couple of minutes by which time ds was weeing. I shouted out loud "Oh No!" probably shouldn't have but I knew what was coming and it was just a reflex.

DH flies into a rage we have a huge row where he tells me ds is not ready and that he doesn't want pee and poo and most of all me shouting at the weekend when he is trying to relax. Goes on to say he can't wait to go to work on a Monday to get away and that he feels sorry for the poor mites because I shouted.

All this in front of all 3 ds. DS will now not even consider using a potty.

To top it off the nursery today started to hassle me saying he's a bright boy he really should be out of nappies by now all the others are.

I feel like the crappiest mother in the world. No idea when to start again or how now if I am honest.

have a large bar of chocolate. you are not a crappy mother, you are a normal mother

then decide if you want to carry on like this.

if you do then carry on but i think you have to accept you are on your own which will make it harder.

if you give up tell nursery your hv says it is normal for him to not be out of nappies yet so sod off. then try again in a few months.

ds3 is 3.3 and has just got it, he did it in about 3 days. ds2 took 3 days at 3, ds1 took 1 day, he was also 3. i tried a couple of months ago with ds3 and he wasnt ready so i gave up. no shame in not being ready.i know lots of people are prepared to put themselves through the stress needed to potty train a child before they can do it themselves, but im not one of them! (nothing against them btw, each to their own)

DS was 3.3 when he toilet trained, likewise in 3 days. He is a bright boy too. (He is at ecole maternelle here in France and we have been advised to skip a year, boast boast!) It has nothing to do with when they are ready to be toilet trained.
Good luck if you decide to continue but I would advise giving it a break if DS is reluctant.

You are not a crappy mother! DH sounds just like mine - refused to take them anywhere when I was potty training and every time they had an accident told me to put a nappy on as they obviously weren't ready. If it had been left to him, potty training would never have happened. I would give it a rest for a week or so (so ds can forget the shouting - they have very short memories at that age!) then I would take him on a shopping trip to choose some fabulous new Thomas the Tank pants (or whatever he's into). My own technique was to resort to shameless bribery - everytime they did a wee in the toilet or potty they got a smartie (some people might prefer a star chart, but mine always respond better to instant gratification). Expect lots of accidents to start with, don't make a fuss, but give masses of praise when he gets it right. The key thing to remember is once you've decided to take his nappy off don't put it back on again - except at night. If you go out take a travel potty (its much easier with boys anyway) - he has to understand that that's it - no more nappies and keep reminding him and asking if he needs to loo. He'll get the idea within a matter of days. Good luck - and hats off to you - three under-threes deserves huge respect.

Thank you for the support I'll be honest I have been feeling in a very lonely place over this.

What's made it worse is all the other mum's who keep telling me how easy it was for theirs who were younger than mine when they were potty trained. One said we just put pants on him one night and that was it he never had one accident and he was mean to be 2 at the time.

I am beginning to think there is a whole lot of selective memory going on here.

DS is deperate for a scooter so was thinking along the bribe lines for when he is trained. I will leave it a week or so.

If I do bribery with the scooter should we have a big special trip where he decides which one he will have once he's trained so can actually see the incentive?

Scooter is a great idea. Don't remind me of the "Mine was dry at night from 16 months" brigade - they are usually the ones who walked at 7 months and and came out of the womb talking (funnily enough there never seems to be anything exceptional about them when you meet them in the flesh!

i would take him to see scooter and then have a pic on a sticker chart so he gets to see it every time, bribery is a wonderful thing if he cant hold it when he needs to go i would put it off for a couple of months, the first day we started ds held his wee for a couple of hours because he had no nappy on. this proved he was capable of holding it and helped me as i could tell it was the right time

lol They were the ones running into walls and hitting themselves on the head with the plastic hammers today!!

He can hold it he has gone for 2-3 hours with pants on but then either asks me for a nappy or runs into a corner to let it go.

I feel like I was so close!

Maybe you'll get it easier next time? DD truly did train at 2.4 and was dry at night by 2.6 and this is not selective memory as she is only 2.8 now. It was a pleasant surprise after DS was so late. I thought the hardest thing once he got to almost three and wasn't yet dry in the day was other people's comments. He is still in nappies at night aged 4.6.

Not sure why your nursery is making harsh comments JudgeJudy.

Surely potty training and intelligence is not the same thing, Potty training could require a physical readiness, intelligence is surely a different and separate thing.

Seems a bit unlikely someone put pants on their child and they NEVER had an accidents!!!!

What is it with some Dads and their inability to support their DW/DP's in childcare issues. Poor you, does he do anything to help you or does he just criticise?
Is there any way you can come to an agreed plan of training and both carry it out? Does DH have any idea about potty training methods and how to best use them? He may not have the first clue if he's not read anything to explain it, and has no inclination to do so. If he keeps undermining your efforts you'll get nowhere, because the conflict will cause a lot of anxiety all round and be counter-productive.
He might work long hours, but so do you as a mum, and you can't just go running off to a child free environment because you've had enough. He is a parent too, with all that goes with it, after all, he had to be potty trained once!
In the short term, I'd leave the training until everything has calmed down and you have sorted your joint approach. Good luck.