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Original poster

DH says I’ve changed since having DC!

77 replies

nuckyscarnation · 09/10/2019 20:28

Wondering if anyone else has had this issue with their partner and what they did about it if so?

We have 14 months old twins. They are IVF babies and spent the first month of their lives in NICU. Nothing about having them has been remotely easy, although the babies themselves are obviously the loveliest things in the worldSmile

Unfortunately things have just gone downhill between DH and I since they were born. Lately he’s been telling me I’ve changed since they’ve been born. He pretty much says I’m obsessed with them and that I have no time for him anymoreSad I’ve explained to him that I’m a super stressed mother of two little babies and that at the minute I can’t really make more time for him because there’s basically no time to spare! I understand his frustration but I feel like he just doesn’t get how hard things are for me.

Anyone else found themselves in this sort of situation? Any suggestions as to what I can do would be much appreciated. I feel so sad about it all.

OP posts:
Tableclothing · 09/10/2019 20:30

Do you often look after the babies on your own? Does he ever look after the babies on his own?

Original poster
nuckyscarnation · 09/10/2019 20:40

I’m a sahm at the minute so I do the bulk of childcare.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/10/2019 20:45

Sick of these whiny men mad at not being centre of attention anymore.
How much of his time do the babies get?

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hormonesorDHbeingadick · 09/10/2019 20:50

Well you will have different priorities and less time. Think about what DH can do to help you get your old self back. Taking on jobs at home eg buying clothes for the twins, being responsible for dentist appointments and then looking after the twins so you can see friends, go shopping, the gym, stare into space or whatever.

Stevienickssleeves · 09/10/2019 20:52

You've changed? No fucking shit sherlock! Now he needs to change too.

GummyGoddess · 09/10/2019 20:53

It's difficult for someone to have their entire life change and remain the same person. Of course you've changed, he should have changed as well but if he is working still and not doing much childcare then his life hasn't changed much.

DonnaDarko · 09/10/2019 20:54

Sick of these whiny men mad at not being centre of attention anymore

^ this times 1000

Teddybear45 · 09/10/2019 20:55

While I can understand why you are so focussed on your kids, they are now 14 months old. You absolutely need to start delegating / getting childcare / stop doing everything and allow yourself time to focus on your marriage too. Even little things like eating dinner together after the kids are in bed are important.

CallMeOnMyCell · 09/10/2019 20:57

How selfish of him! Of course you’ve changed, you now have two babies to look after and that’s a massive lifestyle change. What does he do to help you? He needs to grow up and realise not everything is about him now.

picklemepopcorn · 09/10/2019 21:01

Does he pull his weight when he is there, and do you let him?

Lind57 · 09/10/2019 21:01

How bloody dare he. Of course you've changed. You're responsible for two tiny lives and are probably exhausted and he's adding to the stress by expecting more. He needs someone to tell him to grow the fuck up and start pulling his weight. I'm furious on your behalf. How the hell can you make time for a grown man when you have twin babies to take care of? Tosser. Sorry, I know that rant isn't helpful advice.

Bourbonbiccy · 09/10/2019 21:01

Of course you have changed, your priorities will have changed and rightly so. I'm nit quite sure what he expected ?

I have alot less time and I only have one to look after, I'm sure 2 keeps you especially busy.

If you bothwant more time together , Do you have family to take them for a few hours one evening so you can spend time together? Can he help to free up more if your time?

MrHaroldFry · 09/10/2019 21:04

Yes you have changed. You have superpowers...you grow humans two at a time!!!
If he hasn't changed I would be worried. Being a parent changes you at a cellular level. Parental Responsibility is new and uppermost for most new parents

If he wants to be mothered he needs to find someone to fulfil that need. You are busy, on the double.

NabooThatsWho · 09/10/2019 21:05

Sick of these whiny men mad at not being centre of attention anymore.

Exactly. I see it time and time again.

14 month olds are SUCH hard work, never mind two at once. Mobile but absolutely no sense of danger. Of course you are preoccupied with them at the minute!

Does he ever have them on his own?

pallisers · 09/10/2019 21:05

Tell him if every second night he puts the two of them to bed while you have a bath you'll be happy to come downstairs afterwards and chat to him. Or he could pitch in with dinner/bath/bed and chat to you while you both are doing it (this is how most parents of babies have time for each other - laughing while trying to dress a baby/chatting about the day while feeding dinner into a toddler etc)
Tell him if he organises a babysitter you'll be happy to go out for dinner with him.

In the meantime, he needs to be told that if you have 14 month old twins who started out in NICU, you will have changed - unless you are some sort of psychopath.

Is this actually about sex rather than "time for him". It wouldn't surprise me.

TripleSeptic · 09/10/2019 21:08

I would ask him why he hasn't changed. You both should have completely new roles now. You're moving with the times, evolving, adapting, and he wants you to be the same as you always were? Hello? In a very literal sense, that is not possible. You're actually keeping 2 little people alive, keeping his children alive. If you weren't working flat out 24/7 how would the children survive? I am incensed. What is he doing to support you be even a shadow of your former self? Like, if you always had your nails done, but don't anymore - has he booked and paid for you? Taken the kids out alone? Does he get up through the night? If you went on strike I wonder how long it would take him to "change". I wonder would you start feeling neglected? You're making it too easy for him to pick fault, let him pick up some of your tasks and he'll not have time to notice that you need your roots done!! Fair play to you for coping with everything, send him round here and I'll give him a flea in his ear Flowers

cacklingmags · 09/10/2019 21:10

Being a parent does change you - how could it not. It hasn't changed him yet because he is a lazy entitled brat who needs an enormous kick up the arse. You sound like you are doing a fine job with those babies.

cheeserolls · 09/10/2019 21:20

I had this with my now ex-H. He had several tantrums about not getting my undivided attention after dc was born.

This was a big factor in why he's now ex.

You are doing an awesome job I bet.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/10/2019 21:25

My first thought was “Well duh”. Of course people change after they have kids.

My second thought is that you would probably have a lot more time for him if he stepped up and did his share.

Potplant · 09/10/2019 21:27

If I didn't know better I'd think you were Married to my ex. EXactly the same shit from him, obsessed was one of his favourite words.

Course you've changed, you've got two new people to think about.

Mine got my gym membership for the first Xmas after mine were born as berated me for 'wasting money' by not going. They were 3 months old.

Original poster
nuckyscarnation · 09/10/2019 21:28

I feel like I’ve changed but he hasn’t. He does help when he’s here. He bathes them with me, puts them to bed etc. However lots of stuff boils down to me. I make all their meals (DH doesn’t cook) wash all their clothes, remember everything that they need etc. My DS doesn’t sleep through yet. I’ve not had a full nights sleep since they were born!

To be fair he does offer to look after them so I can go out. I’m often too stressed to do it though because there’s always so much to do in house etc.

I miss the old me as well, but him complaining just makes me feel rubbishSad

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/10/2019 21:29

When I’m a sahm is on mat leave my dp does half the physical stuff when he’s not st work except for night wakings. So he’s not on top of the thinking about what we need to buy for baby weaning etc but he’s on top of bath bed doing the washing shopping and cooking meals and regularly takes them out on his own weekends.
I’m guessing yours doesn’t do that op? Could you push for him taking them out on a weekend etc?

Original poster
nuckyscarnation · 09/10/2019 21:36

@timeisnotaline He helps me with bedtime but has never once said “I’ll put them to bed” it’s always a joint effort. He does do the washing up on the evening a lot. I do all the cooking and all the food shopping. I get bloody sick of cooking and meal planning: he’ll take them out for a walk in the pushchair for an hour but he’s never taken them anywhere on his own for longer. I’d absolutely love it if he did. I’ve suggested but he never does it!

OP posts:
Original poster
nuckyscarnation · 09/10/2019 21:37

@Potplant A gym membership at three months old? Wow, just what you needed eh?

OP posts:
Emma198 · 09/10/2019 21:40

I'd be worried if you hadn't changed. Of course they're your priority, and no he clearly doesn't get it.

There seems to be an assumption when you're at home with kids that you can also do all the stuff that you would have done if you were at home without the kids. They're a full time job on their own.

Tell him you need a cleaner and for him to do the shopping and cook tea a few times a week then you'll give him a bit of time.