DH says I’ve changed since having DC!

[nuckyscarnation]

Wondering if anyone else has had this issue with their partner and what they did about it if so?

We have 14 months old twins. They are IVF babies and spent the first month of their lives in NICU. Nothing about having them has been remotely easy, although the babies themselves are obviously the loveliest things in the world

Unfortunately things have just gone downhill between DH and I since they were born. Lately he’s been telling me I’ve changed since they’ve been born. He pretty much says I’m obsessed with them and that I have no time for him anymore I’ve explained to him that I’m a super stressed mother of two little babies and that at the minute I can’t really make more time for him because there’s basically no time to spare! I understand his frustration but I feel like he just doesn’t get how hard things are for me.

Anyone else found themselves in this sort of situation? Any suggestions as to what I can do would be much appreciated. I feel so sad about it all.

Well he is probably right your relationship HAS changed, the centre of gravity has also changed and you have two tiny children who need your attention all the time so it’s hardly surprising you have less time for him as someone else says stevienickssleeves says No Shit Sherlock. So far so grow up mate

On the other hand you also need time for each other but that’s more likely to happen if he contributes more at home.

DH doesn’t cook
Well fuck that for a game of soldiers. He can surely heat up fish fingers in the oven or make eggy bread.
If he has only had them for an hour you need to go out for an afternoon. People only become capable when they need to be capable.

@Emma198 We already have a cleaner twice a month! I’ve insisted on one because I honestly couldn’t keep the place from being a shit tip 24/7 otherwise. We can’t really afford it but it’s either that or I have a nervous breakdown.

You’ve actually summed it up really well. I basically do all the same stuff when he’s around that I would if he wasn’t. Just with a bit of help!

@nuckys We have twins who were also in SCBU. I totally lost myself until my twins were about 3. My son didn't sleep properly until he was nearly five. I was definitely a very different version of myself.
My husband had the temerity to tell me once (when I asked him why he was sitting on his ass watching TB) if I told him what 'I' needed him to do he would do it. Well, I bellowed that no one told ME what needed to be done, I just looked around and figured it out!!!
Needless to say, after that he shaped up, sharpish!

My advice, don't ask, tell!

I've got a ten month old and I've gone back to work, full time hours over 4 days. I've had a cleaner start today... she did two hours and texted me saying " I've really only managed to do the bathroom, I'll be able to get more done in the two hours once I've got on top of it" which shows how well I've been able to keep up with the housework.

It is hard, our relationship has taken a back seat. It's only natural. She goes to bed, and we've literally not stopped all day, i pick her up on my way home and one of us cooks while the other gives her her tea, then we eat in the living room while playing with her, then husband baths her while i tidy up the living room, and i put her to bed while husband cleans the kitchen. Everyone just needs to be on the same page about having decided to start a family and the inevitable changes. My mum having her while we go out for lunch and spend just a couple of hours together does make the world of difference to us though

@MrHaroldFry DH often gives me the “tell me what to do and I’ll do it” speech. Utterly enraging

@Emma198 at least you now have a lovely clean bathroom though.

Spend the weekend at your mums and let him look after the kids all weekend. See if he’s so chipper then.

You should pick a couple of days a week he is 100% responsible for dinner. That’s pretty common in couples with sahms I know. It might be you feed the children earlier and he comes home and cooks for you two. The important thing is you don’t think about it. If it’s on the shopping list at 4pm Friday you get it , otherwise you don’t. If you online shop then you just share the account and he adds it.

@Elieza I wouldn’t leave them all weekend. I’d worry too much about them. I’m sure they’d all survive, but I’d be a wreck!

@timeisnotaline we live rurally and no shops nearby, so food shopping has to be very much planned in advance. He would do it if I asked though. I probably should. I get utterly sick of cooking all the time!

My only complaint about my DH is his not taking initiative to doing stuff hardly ever. 90 per cent of the time he will do whatever I ask him to do but if I don't tell him, it just doesn't get done. And I do all the mental load stuff like you - packing DD's bag for nursery, keeping on top of what clothes we need to buy her, birthday and Xmas cards and presents for both sides of the family and friends, vast majority of food shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning...tbf there are a few jobs that he does himself without prompting but very very few. Basically just cleaning up after dinner and taking the rubbish out, and collecting DD from nursery, and rarely a little bit of food shopping but he is totally unorganised that he often buys stuff we don't really need and doesn't buy stuff we do, or he buys things I've just bought two hours earlier...

Anyway my moaning over, I can't imagine how hard it must be two have two of them, we have 1 DD 16 months who usually sleeps lovely 7-7ish. So all respect to you and your DH can fuck right off saying that patronising shit to you. I can't believe he's never taken your children anywhere other than a walk?! Jesus wept. He's never taken them to the park over summer or a playgroup or anything? It must be so hard with two but I'm presuming you manage to do these things?!

Tell him to grow up and stop being a whiny manchild and give him a list of jobs to do. And make arrangements to spend an afternoon or evening with friends/family and he can hold the fort.

Make sure you do go out and leave him to it. Make it a regular thing where you go out the moment he gets home from work so he does a full on evening with them, including the cooking. It will do both of you good and your marriage good.

We get a gousto box each week now which removes a lot of the meal planning hassle and DH is mostly happy to proceed with one of those recipes unless work is as crazy as it is right now.

We stopped having the cleaner when DS turned two but he's an only child and staying that way!

DH would do half of the bedtimes but unless I go out three nights a week that means I have to stay in listening to the wailing. So I do it. But i do then get frustrated when I eventually come back down and he hasn't done the dishwasher (and then spends his days off harping on about it at me) .

He does take DS out for full days though and for weekend mornings when I go to rowing.

And yes our relationship has changed, of course it has. How could it not have

I have definitely changed since having children, and so has our relationship. I don’t see how it couldn’t.

We had one row after dd was born where he said he found it hard how little attention he got. I said I was sorry he felt that way but that I had less time and energy and I had to prioritise a helpless baby over a fully able adult. I reminded him that I also gave myself very little attention anymore either as I always had a baby velcroed to me.

I think once he considered the impact on me as well as him and the competing needs of him and a baby, he saw he was asking too much of me.

Now with ds he know that the baby days are largely focussed on the needs of the baby. And those of 4 year old dd. We can focus on ourselves and each other after that.

When he says you have no time for him now, what exactly does he feel he needs that he isn't getting? I don't have twins, but I do have two young dc (one toddler and one in primary school). We both also work full time.

Honestly, the reality of having children is that you don't have a lot of free time anymore. It's not like you can just have a lazy lie in together on a Saturday morning and read the paper, or sit down and relax all evening and talk about life, or have sex whenever and wherever you want. That's just how it is. You're busy. You should both be busy, so that he isn't sitting around thinking about all the things he wishes you both had time to do that you don't anymore. My dh and I get to sit and talk and relax in the evening (after dc are in bed, so post-8:30 ish) on Fridays and Saturdays. Otherwise, we are busy with housework and admin and work (both work at home in the evenings during the work) every other night. In a good month, we find two times to have sex that falls on a Friday or Saturday when we aren't busy and youngest dc sleeps long enough before waking (we co-sleep after first wake up). This is what family life is like with small children. You don't have oodles of free time anymore.

It is important to find time for each other, carving out a night or two a week when you do sit down and have a meal together or share a bottle of wine or talk or watch a film together, but it's also important to manage expectations. This is to an extent just what you do when you have children and he needs to adjust to that new reality.

@MeadowHay the mental load is exhausting isn't it? I found out this week that DH doesn’t even know when our rent comes out of the bank or when our UC goes in (he managed to fuck up our UC this week but that’s a different thread)
I think it’s shocking he’s never taken them anywhere alone as well. He says he will but it just never happens! They wouldn’t go anywhere if it wasn’t for me.

I do leave him with them when I go to college one night a week. We’ve only just started doing it but nobody has died yet. He can do it. I’m probably guilty of taking it all on and trying to be too independent!

@Harrysmummy246 I’ve never heard of Gusto Boxes but what a fab idea Wish we could afford them!

@Gillian1980 I’ve tried explaining how I feel. He says he understands I’m exhausted etc. but then still complains

@mindutopia I’m not 100% sure what attention precisely he feels he’s lacking. He’s been at a friends for 48 hours but I’m going to ask him tonight. I think it definitely includes sex, but I lack the energy for most things. We never sit down to watch a film etc after the babies are in bed because I’m too tired to stay awake. I’m also scared of having to get through the next day if I go to bed late and then have a disturbed night. The most I can usually manage is an hour of braindead TV before bed. Then he sits up alone until the early hours if he’s not at work!

When they start sleeping better you will feel so much more like yourself and be able to capitalise more on the evening time. There has been a dramatic difference for us over the last 6 months or so since her sleep has got so good. When it was less regular I was like you and went to bed early most the time because I could guarantee if I stayed up late that would be one of her bad nights (and it always always was!). Are you a SAHM? I guess childcare for twins probs unaffordable? College sounds like good for you though I appreciate it must be v hard to study with such bad sleep.

Wait, why does he stay up so late when he's not at work? Don't tell me he never does the night work with them (unless you are BF?) ? Is he having u interrupted sleep every night? And also if he's going to stay up so late then he must have energy so the least he can do is some chores. My DH bless him often stays up much later than me and is sleep deprived but that's because he's doing chores or his uni work after I go to bed!

Point out that yes you have, you've grown up... (or just keep that in mind when listening to your manchild DH whining)

I have a 15 month ds and he is hard work I can't imagine having 2 of him tbh. I spend most of my day trying to stop him injuring himself. I also have a 4 yr old dd and I agree that there is just not enough time most days. My ds doesnt sleep well either and I think that is the hardest part some days. I'm a sahm but we have an agreement that 1 day a week my dh will either cook or will buy a takeaway. He also does bedtime every night which gives me half an hour to get a few things done. If my dh wouldn't do this then I could definitly see our relationship suffering. Because he pulls his weight then we get a couple of nights a week where we watch a film etc. Maybe ask your dh why he thinks only you have changed? Why hasn't his life changed?

tell him "no shit?" and that its a shame he hasnt changed and adapted a bit more like youve had to.

Does he mean he wants more sex
Honestly sometimes I despair
Of course you have changed
It would be very strange if you had not!
This stage will pass x

Be honest - did you (perhaps unconsciously) ‘mother’ him pre-kids? If he never cooks or meal plans or cleans, was it that way before but you didn’t really notice?

It’s super common. Man babies indeed. He needs to grow up and step up. You also have to step back and allow him to fuck up, and you need to be crystal clear about what he needs to do for you (rather than what he wants you to do for him.)

You’re looking after TWO babies. Of course you changed, and of course you have less time for him. He also needs to change!

Time to whip out the old his down time vs your down time, I think - if he's been at a friend's for 48 bloody hours, when will you get that time never, obviously? Once you get time to be on your own and actually be yourself, on your own occasionally, you might be able to feel like you did before as much as that's possible.

Also, consider this - if you're doing the mental load for everyone, when will you have the headspace to find time for you as a couple?

I'm sitting here itching to tell him just to grow up and consider his bloody 48 hours away when you haven't even slept a full night since the twins were born, but the above might be a better starting place if you want to stay together...

@MeadowHay My DD is mostly sleeping through now but DS still wakes 2/3 times a night. It’s not loads but it catches up with you when you’ve not had a full nights sleep in a year.

They are BF so DH can’t really help at night. I would say he mostly gets uninterrupted sleep. However we co sleep with twins so they do sometimes disturb him when they wake up!

He’s always been a night owl. It drives me mad that he stays up so late but he won’t stop. He comes to bed between 1am and 2.30am normally. He sits up listening to music or either practicing his guitar/on PlayStation. He says he doesn’t want to come to bed earlier because he likes to have the down time to himself.

@Ginnymweasley I’m sure he’d say his life has changed but he’d also argue he still makes time for more than the babies and I don’t!

@NoSquirrels I did mother him. However he did used to do more to help before the twins. He did more housework and cooking when we lived in our one bed flat. I’ll say that to him sometimes and he doesn’t even deny it. We used to have a rota/meal planner though and I haven’t got bloody time to be faffing on with either these days!

@SmallAndFarAway I honestly think
It might be too late to be honest. He came back last night at 8.30pm and didn’t come to bed until 3am because he was watching football.

He’s just lain dozing this morning while I changed nappies, but babies dressing gowns on etc. When I pointed out he should be helping he actually went “but I’m in the same room” He’s still lying in bed while I do breakfast. He’s on a 12 hour shift today so is basically not going to see them at all. He’s a shit dad basically