DH says I’ve changed since having DC!

[nuckyscarnation]

Wondering if anyone else has had this issue with their partner and what they did about it if so?

We have 14 months old twins. They are IVF babies and spent the first month of their lives in NICU. Nothing about having them has been remotely easy, although the babies themselves are obviously the loveliest things in the world

Unfortunately things have just gone downhill between DH and I since they were born. Lately he’s been telling me I’ve changed since they’ve been born. He pretty much says I’m obsessed with them and that I have no time for him anymore I’ve explained to him that I’m a super stressed mother of two little babies and that at the minute I can’t really make more time for him because there’s basically no time to spare! I understand his frustration but I feel like he just doesn’t get how hard things are for me.

Anyone else found themselves in this sort of situation? Any suggestions as to what I can do would be much appreciated. I feel so sad about it all.

I’m so furious this morning that I actually feel sick!

He needs a Come To Jesus talk, OP.

Work out what you need from him. Tell him in no uncertain terms.

As the twins are 14 months old would DD take EBM from a beaker at night? If DH is up anyway then why cant he do at least one feed for him so you can sleep? I agree on the come to jesus talk or an absolute instance on couples counselling. DH was absolutely shit when DD was born and had the audacity to moan about having to drive to the SCBU whilst I had actually moved in to the parent room (5 days post c section to I might add). He honestly didnt see anything wrong with his behaviour until he was confronted with the realities. I had to start leaving DD with him so he understood what it actually took to look after her. I remember screaming at him in the kitchen one night (and I'm not proud of myself for the screaming but I was severely sleep deprived with PND and PNA) that our baby deserved more than him. Our baby that nearly died, that we nearly didnt bring home, that we (I) fought for, he literally couldn't give a shit about. I insisted he start doing a least one thing a day with her be it a feed, bath, nappy etc and whilst it's awful that we had to start to small it actually got him doing things. Although he isnt violent in anyway, I still read lundy bancroft"s why does he do that and realised that his disappearing act and constant moaning was in order to gain 'special privileges' and to avoid having to take adult responsibility. The gravy train has stopped and whilst he isnt particularly happy about it, its just tough. Shape up or ship out. I actually told him in couples counselling that there was 'no point to him' really because I did all the care for DD and domestic stuff plus managed our finances so really if he left, it would make no difference except he wouldn't see his child. That helped drill it home to him. Its time to get mean, it's time to get angry because really it can't get any worse.

@NoSquirrels I tell him what I want. It makes no difference. It’s like smashing your face of the wall. He told me this morning that I’m never happy no matter what he does.

@blackcat86 I can relate so much. I often think it wouldn’t make much difference if I was alone. It would be a bit harder admittedly but I do nearly everything anyway! Unfortunately getting angry with DH doesn’t work. He just gets angry back and digs his heels in even more.

Yeah I get this from dh. We have 3dc under 6. He does none of the childcare and none of the housework. I have not even had a single afternoon off in the whole time we have had the kids. But he sulks and moans regularly that he comes last. Errrm, actually, I come last. No one looks after me. I still wash cook and clean for him, make sure his work clothes are ironed, breakfast made and lunch ready to grab. Evening meal ready when he comes in without fail. I've created a monster. Op, get him told before it's too late, unless he's giving you time off to be yourself and helping you with the little ones, then he is out of order. I wish I'd made my bed differently.

I also have twins (although older now). Of course you have changed, and he wants more tine with you he's going to have to step up. I know you've said you wouldn't leave him with them for a weekend but what about a day? Preferably at short notice so he can't arrange granny to help out. Or even a morning? That was what made my DH really realise what was involved day to day.

I would disagree with the above. No, you haven't changed. What's changed is your circumstances. You are now responsible for 2 small humans. As is he. So, if he thinks he hasn't changed, he shouldn't be accusing you of doing so. However, he should look at what he thinks he means by that. Does he, as accused above, think that you are not paying him enough attention? If so, where is his head at??? You have not changed, you still have the same attention capacity, but now it is split between the three of them. He had 9 mths I presume to get used to that idea. What was he doing with that time? His attention should also now be divided by three. If not, again, he has clearly not adapted well to his new circumstances.

It does amaze me that men seem to think that pregnancy, birth and child-rearing are some easy thing done by women and that it shouldn't bother them (men) at all and especially not change their own lives unless it is something beneficial.

You are still the woman he fell in love with, you just have a lot on. He is being unreasonable to think that you will do the same things as before. He needs to get a check on his opinions, etc. as they are only 14mths old. That's nothing. Wait til he's got to change his schedule to take them to after school clubs, help with homework, etc.

Remind him that he may feel he has lost his wife, but that you are still here and that now he has a whole family instead.

Can you think of what does work with DH if it isnt getting angry? I also found loudly naming what was happening and not hiding it worked well particularly with PIL. PIL would go on about what a fantastic parent he was and I would openly say that i disagreed because he was uninvolved and that our marriage was at crisis point. It might sound awful but hiding what was happening to save DHs blushes (which seems the social norm) was making it worse. I also organised time with other families with very involved dads which helped shine a bit of a light to.

Oh OP. I am so angry for you. I often tell my less than perfect DH about threads like this on MN and even he gets enraged. I just can't imagine having a partner who has never, in 15 months, ever taken their child(ren in your case) alone to visit a relative, or to the park, or swimming or whatever. For all DH's faults he absolutely adores DD and jumps at any chance to spend time with her.

If you're up in the night with them, does he get up with them in the morning on weeknds so you can catch up on some sleep? Because that's the least he could do to help a bit. My DH always let me do that on the weekends when I was up BF DD which admittedly was only for a couple of months. I frequently have a lay in on Sundays still for no reason other than I feel exhausted (Saturdays we are up early for DD's swimming). I sleep worse than DH because DD is in our room and they both snore and sleeptalk so wake me multiple times a night

Have you tried sitting down and saying I'm really upset because you aren't doing X, y z and do you think it's genuinely acceptable that you've never taken the kids anywhere on your own ?!

@bobstersmum I’m so sorry you’re in such a position. It’s utterly appalling you’ve never had an afternoon off. I’d stop doing his ironing etc. pronto. He doesn’t bloody deserve it

@Taytotots He has had them on an afternoon or evening before but never for more than four hours. He would happily have them for longer to be fair. Strangely enough the issue isn’t with getting him to see what hard work it is alone. He knows and admits it is. The knowledge doesn’t seem to filter any further though.

@blackcat86 Good on you for being upfront with the PIL. His parents are both remarried and live hours away from us so we don’t see them much. My MIL knows what a lazy sod he can be though! He’s also a carbon copy of his dad who although a lovely man, is as bone idle as the day is long. We had so many conversations before babies got here about how we were going to parent differently. It just really upsets me to see him acting the same way.

@MeadowHay He’ll get up with them on a morning if I ask him, but I’d get this face if I asked him to do
It more than one day in a row. Also he has an infuriating habit of lying in bed as long as possible before getting up when it’s his turn. He’ll
Snooze his alarm about a dozen times so I’m wide awake by the time he gets up. Also last time it was his turn he kept snuggling up to me for ages. I finally snapped and asked him to take them down so I could get some peace and was told “I’m just trying to be affectionate, what’s wrong with you?”
When it’s his turn for a lie in I take them down without even waking him at all first!

I do try sitting him down. I just don’t feel
He understands. He’d just say he will take the babies out for example but then he doesn’t. Nothing works and he just makes out like I’m unreasonable and expecting too much. I’m utterly sick of it!

Ugh my DH also takes ages to get up with DD and it does my head in because I'm a light sleeper but in his case he is quite a heavy sleeper and I think just doesn't wake as quickly as me and her talking doesn't wake him properly. I just kick/shove him in bed hard til he's awake properly and tell him to get up and take her down

Not exactly topic but do you have friends, family around etc? Just thinking if you have people IRL who can help you with the DTs sometimes or social network for yourself or just people who will listen to you when you need to talk. MN is great but you need people IRL too.

He’s also a carbon copy of his dad who although a lovely man, is as bone idle as the day is long. We had so many conversations before babies got here about how we were going to parent differently. It just really upsets me to see him acting the same way.

Ah.

OK. Have you said this to him?

My DH was pretty appalled to realise he was repeating patterns, and it hit him and got through to him. His parents divorced...

I think what you’ve said about how he acknowledges it is hard but doesn’t take that knowledge to the next step to help make anything better is also revealing. He sees the DC as your responsibility- when he’s looking after them it’s just a shift, he’s just enduring the hard graft til he can hand over again. He doesn’t have any investment in fixing any issues because they’re your responsibility.

Have you ever suggested counselling? Resentment is the death of affection and maybe you need an outside voice.

On the lie-ins issue, can you sleep in a spare room when it’s your turn? Take earplugs, shut the door.

I think you need to spell it out to the man child very clearly to step up or fuck off.
What a bloody waste of space. I'm angry on your behalf. Don't tolerate it any more!

To be fair he does offer to look after them so I can go out. I’m often too stressed to do it though because there’s always so much to do in house etc.

^^

They're his kids

He can't 'offer'

They're his responsibility!

This is one of the reasons we’ve decided against having kids. We have a great marriage and don’t want anything to come between us. I get sad when I see so many couples crumbling after babies come along. My sister was with her DH 17 years and their relationship ended less than a year after baby came along and I saw how much heartbreak that caused. He said it was like he no longer existed to her! 😞

My sister was with her DH 17 years and their relationship ended less than a year after baby came along and I saw how much heartbreak that caused. He said it was like he no longer existed to her!

Relationships can adapt and survive and thrive.

But both parties need to be committed to doing that.

If you wish to remain childfree because you like life as it is, that’s great.

But in my opinion the vast majority of relationships fail after children because men cannot adapt to not being the centre of attention. It’s hard to see it before you have children, but women are socially conditioned from birth to be nurturing. When that instinct needs to be shared out - when babies, the most in need of nurture, come along - a lot of men suddenly become very selfish.

No idea in your sister’s case, obviously, but I’d be unlikely to accept the “poor me, I got no attention” reason as a valid one for divorce...

The problem I've noticed (and experienced) is that often the man ends up coming first because of cleverly learned strategies of stating their job is more important/ moaning constantly / getting angry etc and with no DC women end up accommodating. The pendulum never swings the other way or perhaps it does for a week or two but after that its back to the status quo where the man is top priority. Then the woman gets pregnant, gives birth and is exhausted, in pain and run ragged. This often shines a light on DHs always behaviour in a way she hasnt really noticed before and suddenly she cant unsee. It happened to me and a fair few women I know so it's not uncommon. You would think these men would have some survival instinct to want to keep the marriage alive but they are often so selfish and entitled they dont see how unhappy their wife is or they just dont care.

My sister was with her DH 17 years and their relationship ended less than a year after baby came along and I saw how much heartbreak that caused. He said it was like he no longer existed to her!

If you can't survive a few months of not being the centre of everyone's attention when there is a defenseless and needy infant to care for, you really are quite the person. I'm amazed she lasted 17 years before that.

bobster

We have 3dc under 6. He does none of the childcare and none of the housework. I have not even had a single afternoon off in the whole time we have had the kids. But he sulks and moans regularly that he comes last. Errrm, actually, I come last. No one looks after me. I still wash cook and clean for him, make sure his work clothes are ironed, breakfast made and lunch ready to grab. Evening meal ready when he comes in without fail. I've created a monster. Op, get him told before it's too late, unless he's giving you time off to be yourself and helping you with the little ones, then he is out of order. I wish I'd made my bed differently.

I believe that people are capable of change. I don't think you're stuck with this forever, if you don't want to be. Why are you mothering your DH as well as your children? Stop it. Stop cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing for him. As for making your bed... Making your bed is a daily task. You can do it differently tomorrow than how you did today. (and in future, I'd only do my side and leave his. A little bit petty, but he needs to notice how much you do for him and to appreciate it)

Why has he not cared for his own children for an afternoon? Wtf is his excuse?

I'm so on your behalf.

@MeadowHay He said he’d give them breakfast this morning and it took 50 minutes from his alarm going off to him taking them downstairs. I’m now lying here awake. It’s enraging!

Yes I have my parents, friends, new mum friends. I have people to talk too but I still feel lonely atm. I don’t have any twin mum friends though and sometimes it’s so difficult watching my Singleton friends off doing stuff that’s so much harder with two.

@NoSquirrels I tell him he’s like his dad frequently. He doesn’t like it funnily enough! We are getting counselling soon hopefully. Our lovely HV is helping us arrange it.

@SprinkleDash Your sisters DH sounds a prince among men He couldn’t cope with A YEAR of not being the centre of attention?!

@blackcat86 and @NoSquirrels You both speak so much truth with regards to men struggling not to be the centre of attention anymore. They just can’t handle the change, and their partner can’t handle adding ‘pamper my partners ego’ to their already enormous list of tasks.

I basically had a breakdown last night as babies have colds and were still wide awake crying when DH came in from work at 10pm. We tried talking and I felt we were getting somewhere, but then he just reverted to getting annoyed with what I was saying again. We just can’t talk anymore and we used to be really good at communicating. It’s honestly heartbreaking.

Maybe you need to be more physical and kick and shove him in bed til he gets up like I do with DH might make him move his arse quicker...I was annoyed at DH for similar this morning though. We had a bad night too, DD was up half the night coughing and crying because she couldn't get back to sleep with the coughing and DH slept through almost all of it and then still wouldn't get his arse out of bed with her when she first woke

Are there any twin groups near you? Sometimes there are playgroups just for twins, maybe ask your HV? Or you could use an app like Mush to try and find other local parents with twins? It must be so different and so much harder with two, you have my greatest respect honestly. I feel like I struggle a lot with just the one!

Out of interest, what do you guys do on the weekends/ when DH is around? Do you do stuff as a family together? But does that still involve you doing all the planning, bag packing etc?

@MeadowHay I probably do need to kick him It’s just so annoying though because when it’s his turn to have a lie in I get up & do everything as quietly as possible.

There’s a twin group about an hour away from me on Monday mornings. We don’t drive (although I’m
Getting lessons) so it’s a bit of a pain to get to. I do need to make the push though. If I hear my single mum friends talk about the gym/their date nights/weekends away etc. much longer I might scream!

We don’t do much on our days together tbh. We talk about it but it usually doesn’t happen. If we drove it might be different but we live quiet rurally and day out options are limited when you’re relying on the bus. We do need to make more effort though. Staying in arguing isn’t much fun. I think we both really need to give our heads a wobble!

@nuckyscarnation Your sisters DH sounds a prince among menshock He couldn’t cope with A YEAR of not being the centre of attention?!

My DH wouldn’t be able to cope with that either and I’d never put him in that position. For my brother-in-law it wasn’t about being the centre of attention, he’d walk through the door after being at work all day and she wouldn’t even look up from my nephew to say hello. They’d go out for dinner and she’d just talk about the baby constantly. It drove a wedge between them.

You would think Sprinkle was a troll with that story but sadly I can believe they are not...talking about own his own baby 'drove a wedge' between them. Says a lot about how he felt about his own child, hideous story. I agree they shouldn't have had children but mostly for the sake of the child!! Poor thing, to have a dad like that.

Will not comment on it again though, don't want to derail OP's thread.

Derail away @MeadowHay. I’d love to hear the sisters side of the story...