Finding School So Stressful and it's Only Reception! :(

[momofpickle]

My only DC, my son, has just started reception this year and I'm finding it such a stress and worry to keep up with all the events and homework already!

He went to childcare and school nursery and as soon as nursery started there were loads of events and things to remember - cakes and money for cake sales, random non-uniform days where they have to wear items of clothing he doesn't have, bring in recycling to make a pirate boat, volunteer to help with swimming, parents evening, practise word phonics, etc.

I normally consider myself an organised person but I'm finding it such a challenge to "run his life" as well as my own now that school has added all these things! I went self-employed earlier in the year so I could work from home and have more flexibility but I still find it a challenge! In fact I slipped up this week and missed his harvest festival - the school only invited us the week before and I'd booked client work in so I couldn't go. He hasn't done harvest festival before and I didn't realise that it's almost as big a deal as nativity - a few other mums said they weren't going so I thought it would be ok. I told him I couldn't go and the next door neighbour took a video for me, but I later found out he'd got a bit upset and had to sit on the teacher's lap

Also, it's been a real challenge getting him to practice his phonics / reading as he gets upset about it because he thinks he's not good at it. Trying to do it little and often and reassure him that everyone learns and he's just at the right level!

I'm going to try and make up for missing the harvest festival by registering for my DBS so I can help with swimming and i've looked ahead in the school calendar and booked in any events I can see such as his nativity etc.

I feel really bad about the harvest festival and worry that other parents work full time or have multiple kids and seem to do a better job than me of staying on top of everything! Also - this is only his first year in school - it's only going to get harder!

Anyone got any words of advice / can cheer me up?

Thanks

At DD's school they give a calendar on the first day with everyone. This goes into the diary.

We have a parents Whatsapp group where people remind one another of what is going on.

There's also a private twitter account for her class and that has good updates too.

We have a blackboard on the wall with what's happening each day.

I hear you: we have to be at school at 715 am.

Remembering which day for PE, swimming, library book, poetry book; choir, ballet etc etc...and she's been doing this since she was 4...it's a lot:

Get ruthlessly organized and make sure your husband is on board too.

Thanks all. I really do appreciate it and it’s made me feel a lot better. The good thing is I already do a lot of these things - I have a whiteboard on the fridge but perhaps I could get a calendar...

It’s just made me feel better to hear that you get used to it and find a balance... I guess I thought I’d sussed it when he was in nursery and hadn’t factored the extra things that would be introduced in reception. We‘ll prioritise, I’ll remind DH to read the newsletters too. And thanks for confirming that I don’t have to go to every little thing! Maybe by y1 I’ll have a better idea of things to attend and what’s not a priority, if it all repeats

@Velveteenfruitbowl

Please don’t post any more about your “different parenting style”. It’s upsetting to read.

One thing that is nice is that if there are events for parents to attend, if one child doesn't have a parent there, other parents will usually notice and praise their work or cheer them on if it's sports day. If there's an open morning and my dc is showing me their work and their friend is sitting next to them and has no parent there I will always compliment their piece of work/drawing/handwriting...whatever...and I've noticed other parents will do this too. At sports day, all children are cheered on regardless of if their specific parents are there or not.

I appreciate that you all think you’re right. I’m sure that as middle class British people you find it shocking but this is how are kind do things. We talk through emotions rather than blindly validating. We appreciate our children and build meaningful relationships based on mutual connection with them rather than just turning up when they want us. We teach them to not compare themselves to others, not to want things just because others have them but because they actually mean something to them. To respect that the people that they will come to form relationships with through their lives have their own needs and responsibilities and that our children can’t expect them to drop everything for them. We teach them to be able to rely on themselves rather than depending on others. We teach them to be emotionally independent and to fully understand their emotions so that they can be reasonable in their relationships and have meaningful interactions. Our way is not the only way but it works well.

@formerbabe no, definitely not. I’d obviously spend more time with them generally though. Coffee and a chat on the way home from school/before school. During the holidays we could go on days out every day. We could cook dinner together every night rather than just occasionally. And so on. Much more important to do things with your kids than to watch them do stuff because everyone else does. Being at home/not is irrelevant here.

I am shocked at how rude people have been to Velvet

I’m with her 100%

@greentartancheck I know right 🤷‍♀️. I know a lot of families with a similar ethos. Most of my friends growing up were raised in a similar manner. I never realised that this is what the others thought of us!

I am a bit perplexed by the middle-class British comment...My dc go to school in a very diverse area and I can assure you there's parents of every nationality/social class/ethnicity turning up to school events.

@Velveteenfruitbowl
No one gets to expect other people to centre their lives around them
That’s exactly what children should expect and are entitled too.
I think you should see a counsellor to try and stop your neglectful childhood becoming generational.

I'm another teacher who can't make any events. DD won the talent show last year and I wasn't there . I also sometimes forget to send my DC in with shoe boxes, art t-shirts etc because I'm so busy remembering things to take in for my own class.

I think as you go further up the school though, you'll find fewer parents attending events. Reception is the worst year for feeling you have to go to things.

My advice is to take a photo of every single thing that comes home - newsletter, permission letter, flyer, party invite, homework sheet for the term - then it doesn’t matter when you inevitably lose it. Have a shared photo album with your partner, as well as a shared phone calendar. Also keep £2 hidden in their bag for when you’re en route to school and suddenly realise it’s the bloody bake sale/fundraising day of whatever. On my son’s first year in Reception I didn’t clock it was non-uniform day and he merrily went in in his uniform. It was only a couple of months in to term so when I explained that other people weren’t wearing their uniform he was quietly horrified at them and refused to change, even when I brought normal clothes in at break time 😄

I'm with the 'don't go to school events' mums too, I will attend a play if I get enough notice but no to daytime workshops etc. My children understand that I can't easily get away from work.

My advice is to take a photo of every single thing that comes home - newsletter, permission letter, flyer, party invite, homework sheet for the term - then it doesn’t matter when you inevitably lose it

Brilliant advice!

My husband and I both work full time and have no family nearby. My two are in secondary now, but when in primary they knew we couldn't go to everything. I found that as long as they knew whether we were going or not before hand, they were okay.
As someone else said, find out what is important and go to those. For other stuff ( book looks etc) we asked a friend who was going in for there dc to check in on ours. Not prefect, but not a disaster.
Don't feel guilty, that is a wasted emotion. Do what you can and is best for your family

I have three primary age kids and a busy job, although I work part time and try to prioritise attending school events. I would never miss a nativity or musical performance, but I have missed things such as parent assembly due to the school giving quite short notice - thankfully I’ve been able to send a grandparent quite often but if not I’ve just explained that I’d really love to go but I’ve got to work.

My dd is in year 6 and I honestly think I might have been to one harvest festival - when I was on maternity leave! I’m sorry but I just don’t have enough annual leave and I prioritise the good stuff! My kids are very unbothered as far as I can tell, in fact my 10 year old now finds the songs they are made to sing for harvest festival actively hilarious (she is like me, with a well developed sense of cynicism and irony). Sure, it’s for a good cause but I’ve not lost sleep over not being able to go.

Homework - I basically do the reading and older ones do spelling and maths homework. That’s it. I don’t agree with lots of homework in primary school. Sounds like you’re a dedicated parent so your child will be learning all the time at home and through things you do with him. Also, because you do genuinely care your son will realise that, even if you are not perfect and miss the odd thing.

Don't worry about it! I hardly ever went to stuff at school (I work long hours). Just do any admin/payments immediately. Fill in forms immediately.

Wow, i didn't make it to a single harvest festival!

I work FT and prioritised nativity, sports day and termly year assemblies, split between DH and I.

The exception was Yr6 when DD asked if i could come on the end of term trip "because you haven't done any others, so I'd really like it if you did my last one". She asked so nicely (and with enough notice) that i did take time off and she was so happy to have me there.

The younger years are the hardest because more mums are SAHM. By the time you get to yr4 upwards, an increasing number have returned to work or extended hours and the pressure dissipates.

I rarely make it to school events, too busy working to put food on the table and a roof over their head.

I used to go more when they were younger. They still cried and ended up on teacher's laps because the whole being stared at by hordes of other parents is overwhelming. So it isn't always crying because a parent isn't there.

Dare I ask if his dad is around and is he similarly wracked with guilt? I know my DH isn't. Social conditioning sucks.

I'm a teacher and I've only ever managed to go to one thing for my dds. I went to dd2's Nativity in reception, and I had to arrange my own cover by swapping favours with a colleague. That was 5 years ago. Dd1 never had the benefit of me attending an event in the daytime, and never will now as she's at uni.

I do attempt to send someone else to important things, but even that isn't always possible, as everyone is busy! My parents have been to numerous concerts and plays, but I have never asked them to go to assemblies or general academic events. It's sad that we can't make it, but tbh I'd rather spend my time with my kids doing something more fun than school.

I think that you are blowing this out of proportion.

How could a Harvest festival in a rececption class, possibly be that important?

Definitely get a calendar and ser reminders on your phone. Mine is so full, it's ridiculous . It is impossible to remember everything, never mind do it all