Finding School So Stressful and it's Only Reception! :(

[momofpickle]

My only DC, my son, has just started reception this year and I'm finding it such a stress and worry to keep up with all the events and homework already!

He went to childcare and school nursery and as soon as nursery started there were loads of events and things to remember - cakes and money for cake sales, random non-uniform days where they have to wear items of clothing he doesn't have, bring in recycling to make a pirate boat, volunteer to help with swimming, parents evening, practise word phonics, etc.

I normally consider myself an organised person but I'm finding it such a challenge to "run his life" as well as my own now that school has added all these things! I went self-employed earlier in the year so I could work from home and have more flexibility but I still find it a challenge! In fact I slipped up this week and missed his harvest festival - the school only invited us the week before and I'd booked client work in so I couldn't go. He hasn't done harvest festival before and I didn't realise that it's almost as big a deal as nativity - a few other mums said they weren't going so I thought it would be ok. I told him I couldn't go and the next door neighbour took a video for me, but I later found out he'd got a bit upset and had to sit on the teacher's lap

Also, it's been a real challenge getting him to practice his phonics / reading as he gets upset about it because he thinks he's not good at it. Trying to do it little and often and reassure him that everyone learns and he's just at the right level!

I'm going to try and make up for missing the harvest festival by registering for my DBS so I can help with swimming and i've looked ahead in the school calendar and booked in any events I can see such as his nativity etc.

I feel really bad about the harvest festival and worry that other parents work full time or have multiple kids and seem to do a better job than me of staying on top of everything! Also - this is only his first year in school - it's only going to get harder!

Anyone got any words of advice / can cheer me up?

Thanks

I can't go to most events, we either don't get enough notice or I am at uni or on placement which means no time off!
It actually annoys me that they do all the bake sales, plays and workshops in the morning or at 3.15 as it means that most parents realistically wont be able to go and have raised it for consideration.
Other things though are reminders in the calendar as soon as you get the letter (if you get it) or trying to skim the class whatsapp/rely on the perfect mum of the group to inform you of everything.
With the costumes and things I buy in bulk off facebook/ebay when someone is having a clear out or ask for them for birthdays and Christmas in a size too big and they last 2 years then.

Try being a teacher and the guilt that goes with that.
I don't get to book time off to see any of the events my child is in; it simply isn't allowed. This has included parent/teacher meetings, nativity, carol services and sports day.
I am compelled to prioritise my students above my family and there is no balance. The other primary school mothers and primary teachers were utter bitches to me about it. Now most of their kids go to my secondary school they are developing a better understanding.
Your child will have to toughen up and develop a resilience to it...you cannot go to everything and work. Stop beating yourself up because you dropped the ball on a couple of things. It is only reception and it will only become more pressured over the years if you keep trying to achieve an impossible level of so-called perfection.

God,OP, I could have written that post 8 years ago when my son started reception. It's all a bit bewildering at first. You'll soon work out what's important to you and your child. You can't possibly attend or be involved in everything. I, for example, never contribute to cake sales. I don't bake, I don't buy. I donate to the PTA at other events and can also help out at certain events in the year, because I work part time. The reading and maths workshops I don't bother with, mainly because my kids do fine at school and we keep homework to the absolute minimum at primary. I might think about this differently if my kids struggled at school. I'm fortunate to attend most performances, but I've had to miss a couple over the years. It happens. I've explained it to my kids and they both have survived .
I did forget my second child's very first show and tell. His teacher told me at pick up that he talked about his lunch box. Well, a little neglect brings out a certain amount of resourcefulness.
I think in some level it's good to know for our kids that, even though they are most important to us, we also have other commitments. It's ok that we aren't always there, that we forget thing or mess up.

The other primary school mothers and primary teachers were utter bitches to me about it.

That's grim. I always felt DS's primary school teachers understood my situation because they wouldn't have been able to nip off to see a nativity play or show and tell during termtime either -- I'm an academic which is more flexible in most ways, but I absolutely can't reschedule a lecture unless in the direst emergency.

Perhaps it’s just cultural. My parents were the same and their parents were the same etc. Obviously my children are my priority, but I am more concerned about paying their school fees than indulging wants and feelings which are actually quite unhealthy. I have a whole life to attend to, unfortunately I simply can’t expect everyone to be understanding because I want to watch my son running around a field (well want is a strong word, feel obliged). Obviously it’s different when they get older and they have achievements to celebrate but at this age they just want you to be there because all the other mums are there.

You think that a reception age child wanting their parent to be there is unhealthy? Jesus! Besides, to a 5 year-old child, winning the egg and spoon race is just as much of an achievement as the things they'll do when they are older. I find it very bizarre for a parent to be so dismissive of their children's activities.

@formerbabe You are actually being super judgy. What is it that makes you feel the need to put down people who have different parenting styles?

I am more concerned about paying their school fees than indulging wants and feelings which are actually quite unhealthy

Well personally I'd rather send my child to a bog standard state school and indulge their need to have a familiar face watching them in their school play...and achievements at primary age by the way are still important to them...ok, we might not be putting them on their CV is 20 years time but it doesn't mean they're irrelevant or we can disregard them and not celebrate them.

As for your comment about not wanting to watch your child running round a field but being obliged to...that is so sad that you wouldn't have a genuine interest in watching your child participate in an event.

What is it that makes you feel the need to put down people who have different parenting styles?

Because you sound so cold and detached not because you necessarily have a different parenting style.

@lazylinguist children are learning to be adults. It’s normal in a reception child but unhealthy in an adult. At some point you have to teach them emotional self sufficiency. We decided to do it from the beginning for various reasons it seemed more effective, you don’t have to do it the way we did but it’s very important, the last thing you want is for your children to end up susceptible to emotional abuse and what have you because they haven’t learned to validate themselves.

@formerbabe I wouldnt even want to watch Olympic medalists doing it. My children are wonderful and I am deeply attached to them but running around is one of the least interesting things they do. I would rather miss out on school crap and spend quality time with them.

Haven't RTFT but it does only get busier and also you need to be careful not to pass your stress onto your son - it's so important for the children to see you being calm about school!

Calendar on the kitchen wall
Week to view with what they need on each day by the front door
All packed the night before
Late night for you if necessary to do whatever needs doing.

It shouldn't be too hard, you just need to learn to be super organised!

Also making good friends at the school gates is vital for support - if you work, try to go to evening events so you can become friends with the other parents. You really need them. I'm a working mum of 3 and couldn't have coped without.

Snausage have a look on the school website for a calendar of events. If they do have one it’s not infallible because they have a habit of suddenly sneaking in a dress like Greek god day at the last minute, but it’s at least a heads up on most things.

Velveteenfruitbowl

So genuine question..if you didn't work and were at home full time, would you attend things or would you still not attend on principle?

OP, I actually think that it gets easier. Reception for the first time is completely bewildering, but you realise that a lot of events simply repeat each year.

What I did:
Check school bags as soon as they get home and pack for next day;

In Infants we did reading over a snack as I was going through the school bag (too tired at bed time) ;

Reply to invites, put a dates in the diary as soon as you see them;

Keep a box of dressing up crap. We had a waistcoat which was used about 8 times over primary years;

Make friends with a parent who has older siblings at the school. They tend to have their own frienship groups, but they know stuff eg. What a Jazzy Jar is...

And accept that you can't get to everything. By Year 5 they'll struggle to get helpers etc for class events , and hardly anyone turns up for assemblies.

I suppose it's pitting working mothers against SAHMs, but I'm ok with that. I want my DC to value working and not feel that it's a good idea not to work.

Meow!

Bloody women. Bringing up kids. Working. Breathing. Bitches.

Lazy SAHMs

Preoccupied working mums.

Also OP,
You just need to put it all on a calender. Make friends so you can all discuss what's going on.

If you can't make it it won't damage your child for life . But obviously in the short term it's a lovely thing to do.

Good luck. I have 3 of them and it's a juggling act. Especially when clubs over lap !

To be honest I think you will soon get used to it and so will DS get into a bit of a routine with the reading and homework and don't stress out about craft projects, teachers know the amazing ones were made by the parents while dc watch CBeebies.

I get this OP. There is so much school admin - wear PE kit this day, remember to take swim kit another day, bring in recyclables for modelling another day, turn up to a phonics session, etc. We also have an issue with multiple methods of communication - book bag notes, emails, letters on a website you have to login to, pta announcements on Classlist, a WhatsApp group for the parents. It's never bloody ending!

I work full time, as does my husband, but we are both senior enough that with a bit of notice one of us can get to most things with some diary juggling. The problem is that there isn't always a bit of notice. A particular highlight in reception year was them sending a note home on Monday (so we received it Monday evening) setting out what they needed to wear in the nativity play on Wednesday morning. We both work in the City - not the best place to find children's clothes. If they had sent it on the Friday we could have had the weekend to source the things.

I'm sure it wasn't like this when I was a child. Harvest Festival, nativity and parents evenings was the lot!

Velveteenfruitbowl I'm so saddened by your attitude. Just because your parents did it doesn't mean it's right. Your poor poor kids. More concerned about paying their school fees than their emotional wants and needs!!!!! You've got your priorities wrong. Totally wrong.

It is hard, OP. I have a DD in reception and work four days a week. Next week there is a phonics meeting and an ‘international evening’, both during my working hours. It won’t be possible to do both (not to mention we are expected to cook something from our culture to bring to international evening)! I know school isn’t childcare etc etc, but they do need to factor in working parents a bit more.

You won't be able to attend everything and nor will any other parent who works, and I'm guessing a lot of parents who don't work also have other caring responsibilities which will prevent them from attending events. I have always been at work with a term time contract but no flexible annual leave. I made it a priory to attend the evening nativity show, and I volunteered for the summer fair which was held at the weekend and that's my limit. I never went to any open classroom events etc, just not possible with my contract. The bonus as I examined to my kids was that I was there for the holidays. It's fine, you will work out a balance that suits you and your child.

It's completely appropriate to teach your child that you can't attend everything due to your work commitments.

Two key things here: 1. get organised with a calendar and note things on it when you hear about them. 2. Work out what's important to you and prioritise those things.

Personally I prioritise the maths/reading/English etc workshops as they tell you how to support your child's learning and what they should be working on, and stuff where the DC have a 'part' as they want you to be there when they are performing on stage/at the front of the church etc. The rest I don't get guilty about if I can't be there.

Velveteenfruitbowl I'm so saddened by your attitude. Just because your parents did it doesn't mean it's right. Your poor poor kids. More concerned about paying their school fees than their emotional wants and needs!!!!! You've got your priorities wrong. Totally wrong.

I totally agree with this. Not meeting you child's emotional needs can lead to some severe mental health conditions in adulthood. Its important to validate your child's emotions. Of course you do not need to attend all the school events. Giving a child the impression that their feelings do not matter can actually lead to unhealthy and abusive relationships later. I am talking from experience.