Co-parenting - ex is driving me mad

[Dorsetmumoftwo2]

Hoping that someone else can shed a light on a somewhat irritating situation! DD with ex is 11, her Dad and I have been separated since she was 6 months old. Apart from him annoying the hell out of me occasionally we’ve managed to coparent amicably for the most part. In the last few years or so he’s been making a lot of money in work and CM payments have increased, he has her every other weekend from Fri-Mon. He said that as he earns considerably more now and will be paying me more, he won’t be contributing to anything above and beyond the minimum he’s expected to pay and won’t be buying clothes for his house either whilst she’s there. He pays £500 pm. Recently he’s been sending me aggressive messages about the ‘state’ of the clothes I send her with. Apparently they’re grubby and I should be doing a much better job of dressing our DD. I’ve ignored him for the most part because she’s a child and her clothes are perfectly fine, maybe her uniform has a small pen mark or very slightly discoloured sleeves. He wants me to replace her uniform and clothes when they get stained. I think this is unreasonable and wasteful to say the least, I will be replacing them EVERY WEEK. I want her to grow up comfortable with who she is and happy to get a bit messy if she’s having fun and not worry about what others think of her. Her uniform is soaked, stains treated every week. Has anyone else had the same experience? At a loss, I’m sick of his aggressive text messages telling me that I’m not doing a good enough job

I would ignore his texts - don't rise to the bait. But £500 a month in maintenance is a lot for one child and I agree that you should pay for all clothes etc from this.

I know which is why I agreed too but just think unreasonable to go shopping every week for new clothes. I’d rather save for her future

Agreed. Ignore him - he's just looking for a reaction from you.

Thanks, just don’t know how much more I can take

I've been there with a controlling and abusive ex - believe me, they only way to deal with twats like that is not to feed their behaviour. Tell him the only conversations you're prepared to have with him are regarding arrangements to see your child. Ignore everything else he says.

Haha you’re so right. Thank you!

Grey rock all the way!!!

You know he cannot dictate what you spend maintenance on so just block and ignore...

Actually it's only to cover what she needs at your place so he still should provide basic clothing as a minimum at his and do her laundry etc...

He’s never done her laundry. He doesn’t believe that he should waste his weekends with her doing such trivial things! Bloody nightmare. He offered to send me ‘other peoples opinions’ on her uniform. Just hope he didn’t say all of this in front of her poor girl. Can’t wait to get her home and give her a hug

OMG he sounds awful. You have my sympathies. I would make him do the laundry. What a selfish twat. Sometimes gets dirty at his house, he washes it.

My stepkids tried to get all their laundry done at mine as their mother's machine is shit. I put a stop to it!

He’s wild! Seems to have got worse with all the money he’s earning too. Entitled little sod. Roll on 10 years so I don’t have to deal with him any longer. She hates going there too beachside he always makes comments on her appearance. “Mummy should be buying you nice clothes, these are grubby and old”. Mate they’re from next and a month old, she’s worn them twice. Would t be surprised if he asked me to start sending them to the dry cleaners. Nothing surprises me anymore

Because not beachside ha

Urgh what an arse!!!

I hope you are bringing up DD to have loads of confidence and a voice, she is going to need it...

Ignore, ignore, ignore...

God yes. I keep encouraging her to speak up but she says every time she does he dismisses her and says that he doesn’t want to hear it. Unbearable. I can’t even imagine not being heard by those who love you most, this world is mad

"£500 per month doesn't make me your employed nanny or housekeeper. Not happy with her clothes but some for her to keep at your house"

I've had the same from my ex. Complained I was buying her stuff from Primark and H&M but this is exactly what a 16 yr old wants.

How about photo on a dart board? Therapeutic if nothing else....

@RandomMess oh my god too true! I never thought of it like that. And @chocolatesaltyballs22 I know, girls these days! Everything in the shops is fast fashion, it changes weekly and so hard to keep up with. Boys are so much easier, polo shirt, t shirts, shorts, joggers DONE. Girls....that’s not in fashion anymore muuuuum lol

Ignore him as a PP said.

If it gets too much block his number. His calls will go to voicemail and then you can ring him back if necessary.

If he's rude on the call either make polite excuses to cut him off then do it, or just cut him off.

Parents often forget that they separate because of irritating characteristic which do not disappear overnight or during separation. CM should include ATVL, some-say on what DD wears during a visit to DF. Jeans may be required for Open Farm sunday etc. Some of DD Characteristic will be yours, some DF, and some DD. The CM is good, and to be fair your lucky he is working. You only have to indulge DF on visits, let him have some favourite clothes for his house. Ignore any snide or irritating remarks, DD will soon choose what clothes she is comfortable in, good communication with DF is vital.

She should be wearing her best clothes for days out with him, to be fair, as she would on days out with you.
Stained clothes are obviously not okay. I’m sure you do know this?
If he is saying clothes that are only a month old are grubby could it possible be the way you do your laundry? You don’t throw it all in together do you? That makes clothes look grubby to people who separate colours, Darla, whites? X

He's never done her laundry

Whaaaaaaaaaa?

He doesnt think he should waste his time doing such things whenhe has her?
Oh, but you should? What does he think being a parent is about?

Sounds like he has absolutely no idea of the reality of what it's like to be a parent. I don't know how you've held on to your patience for so long!

I wonder how many thinks are stained because he leaves her clothes unwashed for a weekend?

Why does he want to treat her as a guest in his house? It's not very welcoming for her to have to treat it like a hotel, arriving with a case of clothes and taking them home with her dirty. Point that out to him and then ignore.

I had this to start off with (not the complaining about clothes bit). Now ex puts DC in awful clothes I would never put them in but I don't have to send them with a case and do washing when they return.

I totally agree with your free approach on clothes, and you can be sure, the rudeness is relayed to your DD about her clothes. Now turn it around, lets just say her DF likes her in Dungarees, and always brings her back covered an oil-stains, face-paint, mud, and something sticky in her hair that takes you two hours to remove. And lets say your the one that wants her to look like a victorian lady. Which one of you is right. Blocking messages are counter productive, however the abusive content needs to stop, warn DF that if it continues, you'll have no choice but to report it.

The other thing that is worthy of note, is that seperated parents often migrate to different classes of people. One becomes a real snob who needs to impress his friends, and the other on the bread-line in poverty with no future. The most un-natural part is where parents only see their DC at weekends, when most people dress up smart. In this case it appears that he takes her to school, where a grease stain embarrases him as it would a teacher, office worker, or your DD from her school mates. If it happenes again, ask him to point out using a photo, the problem he is refering to, and try and put it right. You have the facilities for washing her clothes, and it seems likely that had you still been together, he would still have expect you to do that part.