Step children

[girlintheglass]

Hi all - some advise wanted please. Have step son aged 10. with DH for 9 years. We have 2 x DC together.
Step sons mother is insisting that DH take DSS out on alone trips when he is with us. DH says no, we are a family I wouldn't leave any of the kids behind. Is this something you all do? Do you give special trips out to each child individually? It's not
Something we do just wondering what the general thoughts are?

Has DSS asked for this or is his DM just jealous of his relationship with his siblings?

I'd say part with him and part with family. My daughter gets upset because she never gets 1-2-1 time with her dad because his gf is always with them. She likes her, but she also likes to spend time just with him. Same as when she's home she like to hang out just with me. My boys are the same. Just try to mix it up a bit maybe?

We do a mix. So both dh and I spend alone time with our respective children as we do our joint. Then we have time with my child and ours/his and ours/just our older two.

Do you only do stuff with your joint children when your ss is there? So no shopping eating out etc?

Of course you SS should get some one to one time with his dad, yes you are a family but the rest of you live together full time. I would have thought this would have been in place since before you had children together.

I am part of a blended family, Saturday afternoon was the time that DH and DSC would do something just the three of them - it was lovely and I firmly believed this helped the harmony of the whole family.

All the DC are young adults now and we are all very close and they still have time just the three of them, but not every week.

We're more of the "we're a family camp" however BM doesn't let us take her DC overseas to visit my family but otherwise we'd all go.

Tbh on MN people talk as though everyone has a strict regimen of how often each individual member gets private time with each parent, but I have never met anyone in real life who actually does this. Most people don't give it that much thought, you just do what comes naturally.

When my SS comes, we don't have specific, labelled 1:1 time between him and my partner, but we also have a baby and family life naturally comes with some time where they will be alone - such as baby is having her lunch but we need to pop to the shop for something so SS goes with my partner for something to do. He might help with cooking, or SS might need help with his Lego or something of the sort and my partner will sit with him while I'm doing something else. It's not a conscious thing, day trips and activities etc we will all do together but it's only natural that some things in the house won't involve everyone at the same time, and that's enough in my opinion.

MN will tell you you should, but personally I wouldn't overthink it, just do what comes naturally for your family.

None of her business what happens when he's with you.

It is if the dc are unhappy!

Also it's not really any different to doing age appropriate things with children. Eg taking an older child to a film not suitable for a younger child. Or taking a younger child to soft play when the older child out at home.

We have big age gaps between our older and younger child so its impossible that we wouldnt spend individual time with them and would be really unfair.

I do think it is important when their is resident children in the house that dont leave (unlike our older kid) that they do get one on one time. Our joint daughter gets during the week adhocly without it needed to be planned as such.

Your DSS mum DOES NOT have the right to dictate how your DH parents his son at all. If she has any concerns about his parenting she should apply to the court etc.

This said, I would wonder why this has suddenly become a problem. I suspect DSS is close to his mum and has expressed a desire for 121 time and she is just the messenger. If I was DH, I would speak to my son and find out what he needs and wants.

I have two DSC and a baby with DH and we don’t make a thing of it but they each get time alone with each of us as and when eg if one of them wants to see a film at the cinema that the other doesn’t fancy he’ll take one for an afternoon out and I’ll have time with the other. For their birthdays he tends to do something special with each one, not on the day but soon after as a nice thing to do for just them. Their mum has never commented and the households run completely independently, but she doesn’t have a partner at the moment so the DC never get time alone with her and so they like to do separate things with their dad sometimes as their interests differ more and more. Since we’ve had the baby they probably get more time just the two of them with DH but they never ask for it and sometimes I have to prize DSD from my side as she wants to play with DD to go spend time with her dad. It’s a mix. Everyone seems happy.

My DC is just a little bit older than your DSS. They are an only child and no other children in the families. They told me over the summer that they would like more time alone with their dad, rather than dad's partner always being involved. Sadly ex and I dont have the type of relationship where I can share that. So all i could do is tell my DC to speak to their dad about it.

I dont think 1:1 time though has to be fancy outings. It could be supermarket shopping, gardening, quick bike ride. So perhaps take the message and see how it could fit into your family life.

My DC are getting quite resentful and angry about it.

I agree in our house it's more natural so like others have said it can be helping with dinner or a trip to the shop etc.

I dont think in our house it's that different to my childhood actually if I really think about it. My siblings and I all had individual time with both our parents we weren't all surgically attached at the hip.

My DDs have been asking their dad for alone time with him for years. In 6 years he's managed it twice I think. Social services have told him he needs to do it but he won't. The kids he lives with get alone time with him daily (his gfs kids and his kids with gf) but if he's asked to spend time alone with our DDs he says he can't and his gf objects. I'm a single mum of 3 and manage one time with mine when it's possible and make sure that opportunities are taken advantage of like inset days or even just popping to the shops with one while the other two play at a neighbours.
Far too often we read on here of children being expected to accept that they are now part of a blended family a s their dad is no longer theirs as such but someone who's priority is someone else's kids. My DDs have been very hurt and their relationship with their dad damaged beyond repair by this.

Your own DC have a fair bit of time with your DH, why cant he spend an hour or two at the park or wherever with his son? It could be that the mum is trying to pass on her sons desire for a bit of alone time with his dad.

Can depend. Maybe the child has asked for it. Sometimes it may be nice to talk directly to a parent about concerns about the parent you do live with (but know that it might be tactless to raise that in front of the step parent) it could also be cos the child wants to talk to the bio parent about grandparents or things to do the split which, again, doesn't want to do in front of the rest of the new family.

Step kids often get used to keeping topics to themselves that they would like to discuss but feel they can't as don't want to offend anyone. Perhaps give him some opps to talk to his dad and something may come out that has been bothering him.

You all live together full time, I think it's perfectly understandable that DSS wants some alone time with his dad considering his siblings have more time with dad.

Also as he is older I'm sure some special time with dad would benefit them both.

We often spend time one-on-one with our children and still do things as a family too.

@NoNewsisGood

This 100%

I will never forget my DSS at about 11 opening up and saying that he was struggling to cope with the thought that DM may move them to another country to be with her new partner.

Dos response was to tell him not to think about it, which is obviously nonsense as it bothered him enough that he brought it up.

So I told DP to call ex there and then to check whether this was possible in the near future or not. It wasnt. He was soooooo relieved.

Sometimes a step kid desperately needs to speak about the other parent without judgement (whether perceived or real)

There was never a strict regime of dedicated one to one time that dss had with his dad but we did try to make sure he got it at some point while he was there. Even if it was just a walk to the shop for a few things or a kick about in the garden while I did something with the littler ones. The younger dc lived with us full-time and yes we enjoyed doing something all of us together I felt it was important dss got his dad to himself sometimes too.
Even with my own dc I don’t demand that everything is done together we often go and do things that one enjoys the others don’t with one of them b

Thank you everyone. It's nice to get others views on the topic.
Our children are very small so DSS does get alone time in the evenings when smaller children are in bed. So we do play games, watch movies etc. Also DSS often comes out alone to shops etc. DH ex wanted a specific day at the weekend spent with DSS alone and this is just not possible. We have DSS 50% of the time so it's not just we see him at weekends. Thank you all for input.

I think a parent has every right to talk to their children's other parent about issues which affect their kids. It's absolutely their business, if their child is unhappy.

I also think that all DC need one to one time and that's especially true in blended families. Children shouldn't be expected to share all their contact with dad's new family, however lovely.

Surely an hour a weekend doing something without you or the other dc there is possible? Or could you take the younger dc out and dss goes out with his dad? How old are all the dc? Apologies if I've missed it if you've said already.

One day every weekend is unreasonable though imo. Although maybe part of that day just dad and dad wouldn't be too unmanageable.

They are 10,4 and 3

The thing is at the weekend DH likes to spend time with everyone doing things together. Both of us were brought up in blended families and neither of us had specific 121 time just family time. Also as DSS is with us half the time he does have alone time. But not a whole weekend day which was requested. I think we are going to muddle along as we are.