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Original poster

Step children

56 replies

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 09:28

Hi all - some advise wanted please. Have step son aged 10. with DH for 9 years. We have 2 x DC together.
Step sons mother is insisting that DH take DSS out on alone trips when he is with us. DH says no, we are a family I wouldn't leave any of the kids behind. Is this something you all do? Do you give special trips out to each child individually? It's not
Something we do just wondering what the general thoughts are?

OP posts:

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Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 13:20

I forgot to add quite often if I am nipping to see one of my parents or brother / sister I often say to DSS you could stay with Dad? And he always say no can I come with you!

OP posts:

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 06/09/2019 13:22

The thing is I have similar age gaps between some of my three and I do lots with the older ones and younger one on their own. A 10 year old isn’t going to have the same interests as a 4 and 3 year old. I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to make sure he gets a bit of time with his dad. It’s not about what your dh wants. My oldest dd tried for years to get his dad to spend a bit of time without his younger and have to say much loved sibling and his dad didn’t. No ds1 can take or leave his dad because he never got the time he craved when he was younger. Just be aware this desire may be coming from dss himself.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 06/09/2019 13:23

Maybe your shoes could ask his ds what he would like? It seems neither of you are prepared to give him individual time with his dad on a weekend. It does t need to be a whole day but you've not given any reason as to why an hour or so would not be possible. Swimming or seeing a film that the younger two aren't old enough for? Or not interested in? Bowling? Skatepark? Climbing? He's 10 and will want to be going things a 3 and 4 yo can't.

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10 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 13:26

Of course we are prepared to! I stated above I often ask him if he wants to stay with Dad and he wants to come with me. We don't just do things suitable for the younger ones, if we go to the park I will take the younger ones in toddler park Dad play with older child. It's not that we are not prepared too, when he is asked he wants to stay with me.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 06/09/2019 13:28

I agree that it's none of the boy's mother's business but have you asked him if he'd like more time alone with his father?

SoupDragon · 06/09/2019 13:28

(And I've only skim read the thread so may have missed it if you've already asked him)

Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 13:30

Yes soup dragon the opportunity's are there. Not always at the weekend but after school and in the evening etc - he just says no thanks I will stay with you (me)

OP posts:

DriftingLeaves · 06/09/2019 13:30

If people bothered to read OP's posts the DSC is happy with how things are and even turns down the chance of alone time with his DF.

This is an ex trying to take control for reasons best known to herself. And none of them pleasant. She sounds awful. Poor kid having that for a mother, no wonder he likes spending time with OP.

AE18 · 06/09/2019 13:33

I have the same in that SS often chooses to stay with me when given the option. I think a lot of the time people make this a problem when it doesn't need to be.

All it's going to mean is the dad doesn't get to spend his time as a group as he wants to, and the kids grow up with a constant divide between them - SS feeling separate and possibly superior if he's being taken on special trips the others aren't (and not just the odd one they genuinely wouldn't enjoy, but as an established routine) and the younger children growing up and being excited to join in only to be told no you can't come, leading to inevitable resentment.

Meanwhile, if the SS even had a problem, wouldn't he take those opportunities to be with just his dad, rather than choosing to be with you?

It's often a non issue that people turn into one because they are obsessed with establishing a hierarchy.

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 13:34

@girlintheglass

I think from your updates that it is clear that you are all doing what any normal family described on this thread is doing. He has time alone and family time. I would just get DH to chat with him and ask directly, incase she is just a messenger.

If she isn't a messenger then it seems strange that she has suddenly started with such demands after so long. Has anything changed at all?

DH really needs to communicate with her about this reasons for this and his boundaries on being told what to do without reasonable justification

Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 13:40

She has always been rather controlling. Lots of court cases in the younger years of DS and then DH granted 50/50 which he had to fight for. But it has been 50/50 for 8 years. The ex is horrendous at times demanding DSS picks the meals here and often going to the bother of getting her son his favourite meal with some sweets and leaving it on door step. No sweets for other kids. Not that I expect that but I personally wouldn't ever leave any child out. I ignore most of it but love DSS dearly and wanted to know others experiences on the alone time part to make sure We are doing the correct thing.

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 13:46

@girlintheglass

OMG she is mental

Now I know this is MN and thus step parents are automatically EVIL but FFS

step away from the grenade. With this sort of behaviour you need to stonewall non essential dialogue with her. She is attention grabbing.

What a nightmare

Heartofglass12345 · 06/09/2019 13:52

I think it's weird considering how long you've been together, you step child has no memory of you not being there, so it's not as if they got used to being alone with their dad and all of a sudden you showed up. Maybe he could do something with him in the evening while you look after your other children. There's no way I would let her dictate how much time he spends with his child though, you are a family!

Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 13:56

Yes he has no memory of me not being around. As he was so little. DSS mother got married 2 years ago, went to Australia for 3 weeks and left DSS at home with us. He was heartbroken not to go.

OP posts:

Aderyn19 · 06/09/2019 14:01

Yes, I agree that's batshit. I'd send back the food she drops off and tell her if she does it again it will be binned.

Heartofglass12345 · 06/09/2019 14:01

Oh bless him

Thatagain · 06/09/2019 14:03

I don't mean to upset people here but here we go! Me and my dh have 4 children between us 3 are sc and 1 biological and they did not see there biological perents like the mother went to cort and got weekend access to her son when he was 3yo and did not bother to see him. I took responsibility for him when he was 5yo and no contact from his mum. My 2 dc dad was abusive so no contact there ether. We made a unique family. I do not know how people can emotionally share children. If you split from a person for what ever reason then the child should still have stability and there is no security in sharing time and who said whot when it comes to children. I would say the DS lives with us ft or leave him alone until he is older so he has firm ground to make his mind up who is best to be around for him. Life is hard and I am sorry if I have unintentionally affended anyone

thecalmorchid · 06/09/2019 14:24

We do a combination of both. I think it's important the parent of the child who is not living with us full time, gets quality 1:1 time with their child and the child gets that opportunity too.

We also do lots as a family. It's as it's needed really.

Even in families where there is no blending, often one child needs a bit more 1:1 time. I think it's pretty normal.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 14:30

Thatagain. There is strong evidence to suggest that children need contact with both parents unless there is a good reason not to. In your case it sounds like there was no contact for a variety of reasons. Anything else is alienating often loving parents and children which is wrong.

CandyLeBonBon · 06/09/2019 14:31

And usually anyone who starts with 'I don't mean to be offensive, but..." (or similar) has every intention of offending quite a few people!

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 06/09/2019 14:38

Having read the bit about the food she sounds most odd but I maintain one to one time is important if the child wants it.

Original poster

girlintheglass · 06/09/2019 14:44

Peabody just curious do you think all 3 need alone time ?

OP posts:

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 06/09/2019 14:51

Yes, all children should have some one on one time with each parent. Even if it's only popping to the shop or chilling in front of a favourite tv programme. It's not an affront on the other adult for a child to have one to one time. Family time can be very busy so the focus of one on one is very valuable.

chickenyhead · 06/09/2019 14:58

Cannot remember the last time I had 121 time, nevermind alone time.

Single parents exist too. So do families where there is one main earner who is only available at weekends for the whole family.

If OP was on here saying that she wanted him to take DSS out alone every weekend, she would be criticised for excluding him, not treating him as the same.

She has made it clear that DSS does get 121 time in the course of the week, just not whole days. In fact DSS seeks out her company, probably because she isn't boiling bunnies

stucknoue · 06/09/2019 15:25

It's about balance, once every 6-8 weeks something more suited to his age group is a good idea, the rest of the time whole family

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