How to handle this delicate issue re friend's DD?

[vannah]

So confused and unsure how to handle this. My DS (nearly 2) and I, and also my husband for that matter, all find it very alarming when our friends DD (same age) screams. Which she does every 30 seconds. Its astoundingly loud. And the mum, (my good friend) is very liberal and doesnt really say anything to the child. Ive noticed other people noticing it too. Worst of all, my DS absolutely HATES her, and attacks her every minute that we are together. Im pregnant and finding this very hard to deal with.

I dont think I have the courage to say anything to my friend. She is very sensitive and is often falling out with other mums and I dont want to lose her friendship, she is such a lovely person.

My husband says I should just avoid her, but Im sick of making excuses and would actually like to be with her. I just think my DS (who has a tendency to be aggressive with other children) is exceptionally aggravated by this child and the mother's refusal to deal with it is frustrating. I spend all my time scolding my DS whilst she does nothing to stop her dd from screeching.

Once again, its VERY loud.

thankyou for any advice

You make it sound like a nervous tick - does she do it every 30 seconds???

I would suggest to friends about speaking to HV in that case. perhaps her DD is in some pain

I can undesratnd why a child screeching loudly and repeatedly could aggravate an already aggressive child. I had (have - altough she is now 13!) who my parents said was a nightmare to go out with, as she screeched so loudly that it actually hurt you to hear - and yet her parents seemed oblivious to it and never appeared to do anything to discourage it. (I've never met her as she was born in Oz)

However, I don't think you can do anything about it. How she deals with her child is her business.

I think you should be up front with her and tell her honestly that becasue of the loud noices that her daughter makes, combined with the boisterousness of your own boy, which seems more pronoucned when around her child, maybe becasue of the nise (trying hard to gbe non judgementla here! ), it might be better that you meet up in future without the kids, if that is possible. Make it clear that you do still want to be friends - but at the moment, the way your kids interact makes it difficult while they are around.

best case scenario: she will find a way of meeting without the kids OR will agree that she will try to do something about calming her child.

Good luck

thankyou to those of you who have offered your advice/experience.

Totally gobsmacked to read some of the nasty replies on here. Really has made me feel bad and concerned about where to turn for advice. I have posted several questions on mumsnet since joining a few months ago, but have never read anything malicious - even when browsing through other posts.

Prettybird, I think Im going to try what you recommend - its closest to the truth.

For those of you who unkindly suggested I was a troll messing around and not posting, I dont have access to the internet all day. Ive just logged on now, and for all of the other awful accusations Id love to spend the next 15 minutes typing up my explanations, but have found this too upsetting.
Wont be checking in on this thread again, so please dont retaliate.

What a horrible experience to be bullied online.

FWIW vannah I think you've been treated appallingly on this thread - MN at its worst unfortunately .

I can't believe some of the responses on this thread, especially from some of those MN-ers who are up in arms about accusing epople of being trolls / being disproportionately hostile to others on this site. Hypocrites in abundance!

Personally, I think toddlers going through an aggressive stage is fairly normal - screaming every 30 seconds is a bit strange. BUT...best thing you can do is talk to your friend and phrase it more as a 'I love our dfriendship but our kids dont seem to get on - how can we deal with this?' issue rather than 'your kid is a screeching brat' type convo. Good luck - in life and on MN!

I only added a small post as I was'nt sure if I understood what she was saying about the screaming. I am so soory that Vannah has been treated like this.

I too have been attacked when asking for advice on dealing with another child behaviour - as if in someway it was my fault.

Poor Vannah - if she does check back I hope she can see that not all MN members were attacking her!

I have a friend ( a very good one) and we can't meet with the kids becauuse ds1 pretends to turn the TV off as he knows it will driver her dd crazy who then shouts and hits him (which he finds hilarious so he he does it again). Both are autistic so no chance of sorting it out without shackling ds1 to something. Her dd doesn;t like young children (i.e. ds3) either so there's no chance. Anyway point is they're just incompatible so we meet when they're at school, or I only have ds2 with me or talk on the phone a lot.

In case you do read this thread again Vannah, I hope you do manage to resolve things with your friend - and that your ds gets through this aggressive phase.

BTW - I realised that I left out a few words in my post - it was my cousin who used to screech painfully.

I'm sorry you were treated this way, Vannah- I know how it feels as a few months ago I asked for comments on a particular product before deciding whether or not to purchase it, only to be regarded as stupid for thinking of buying it and accused of working for the company! The posts came flying in and there must have been about 20 insulting posts before I got a chance to defend myself! I was quite upset about it.
I had the same problem, but at different time spans! My work colleague has a DD 6 months older than my DS. Her DD went through a a phase of similar screaming at 12 months old, and this used to upset my then 6mo DS sending him hysterical for 2 minutes. When he would stop crying, she'd screech again!
A few months later, my DS started getting very rough and pulled hair. He started doing that on her DD, I'd just leave the minute he would start.
By the time they were 3, they got on well together.
I guarantee you, within a few months your friend's DD will outgrow her screaming phase and your DS will become less agressive

My 10mo ds has just started screeching when we're out and it's driving me nuts! I've been ignoring him when it happens as that seems to be the best advice on getting him to stop. If I interact with him when he does it that would be 'rewarding' his behaviour, apparently... If you or anyone else has advice on getting him to stop I'm all ears! I thought it was just normal small child behaviour...