Horrible parent.

[Flamingo2019]

So the other day I was in a supermarket, and I heard a baby being fussy/crying, as a mum I instantly turned round to check. The mum was pushing a baby, about 8 months old, she kept saying horrible things to the baby in a very aggressive way, such as ‘you are horrible’, ‘you are being naughty’ ‘ you are being naughty/ go to sleep’ ( this was in a brightly lit, busy store so unless it was a newborn it wouldn’t be sleeping! No blankets and not the crib car seat) Obviously I carried on my shopping, but as I walked through the supermarket could here the baby fussing, towards the end of my shop I was on the baby isle and saw the mum and baby again, still she continued saying what I would consider unnecessary hurtful things to the baby, in both tone and language. how can a baby be naughty!!????!! - so I went up to her and asked she she was okay and if she wanted me to hold the baby for her whilst she shopped, obviously she was livid and tried to hide it and also obviously declined the offer. I’m angry I didn’t have the guts to give her a piece of my mind( which I wanted to do because I felt like crying), but also willing to understand she may have had pnd or some such. I have two of my own young kids, I have lost my temper with my toddler ( by my bad handling and learning to be a mum and him pushing it, but I can never imagine speaking the way this woman was to a defenceless baby, over and over again, who most likely just wanted picking up after being in single layer clothes in a cold supermarket, in the lie back trolley baby seat. I felt traumatised, phoned social services and obviously nothing they can do as I didn’t stalk her and she wasn’t physically abusive. I know most us will have lost our cool and said things we deeply regret to our lovelable sometimes rogues- but this was a baby, in a supermarket, it did feel extreme, but obviously the baby was ‘clothed’ fed and watered so not obvious neglect, more emotional abuse? What should I have done?

You couldn’t have really done anything in that situation.. what would you have even wanted to say to her?

If some random person asked to hold my baby so I could do my shopping I'd have told you to fuck off and called store security.

Leave her alone. She's probably had a shocker of a day, barely slept and then having to endure the stares of the mum police round Tesco.

TruckstopTrudy Nothing good, which is why I held back.

@Yogurtcoveredricecake if I was struggling and I was offered help I would either decline or accept, once the check out last held my upset baby whilst I loaded the pram with food. The point is she was being abusive, mum police or not, shocker of a day does not mean you take it out on the baby for 20 minutes. I have let out an exasperated ffs or equivalent when it’s got dark, but wouldn’t have given this women my cup of tea to look after.

Yeah, she was but you've said you've lost your temper with your toddler. I've never done that with my toddler, so are you abusive? Should I call social services on you?

And I'm not disagreeing that she shouldn't have said horrible things to her baby but I'm also not sure it's right to label her a horrible mum and call social services.

@yoghurtcoveredricecake

I totally wasn’t the best mum at those few points, that most mums have, when overloaded and tired with 3/4 year olds, multiple kids, which I mentioned above, but I took steps to remedy it, grow and change negative reactions, however this is a question about someone else’s behaviour that I witnessed over s short period of time.

Mums are not above reproach, just because they know their baby doesn’t mean they are always right, can’t take help or advice. EVERYONE IS LEARNING, some more natural than others.

This really wasn’t loosing her temper, what could that child possible have done to deserve it? It was 8 months old, 20 minutes of abuse or more. Why would you not pick a child up for 20 minutes.

Some mums are horrible, some women should never have kids, and some great mums lose tempers. My experience of her, is that she was a horrible mother. And anonymously on here I named her that.

She was being nasty to her baby- would you accept that from any other carer or person? I wouldn’t. What makes it okay?, I think inherently we all know when we’ve set a foot wrong. Unless that person doesn’t care. As I said she could have some personal issues, but we can all find excuses reason for anything if we try, if people always choose casual indifference then where do we get?

Most mums, when sleep deprived and exhausted, have said things to their children which on reflection they might wish they hadn’t. I know I did.

If someone had tried to interfere at the point, I would not have appreciated it at all. I think you need to take a big step back and stop judging.

@mintjulia absolutely most have I’m not judging that, that’s what I’ve said above.
but have you been abusive to your baby for 20 minutes? and left it to cry when uncomfortable and you could pick them up? If it had been a kid being difficult and mum stressed out I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. This was so upsetting I felt like crying.

Supermarkets are busy spaces so was anyone else as concerned as you about the way this woman was behaving? If so then you may well have been justified but if not then it probably wasn't as bad as you think it was and are simply being hugely judgmental about someone else's parenting. What you saw was a snapshot with zero context of the rest of this woman's day/life. If I was super stressed and tired some total random wanted to take my baby the offer also would not be taken kindly - my baby was wriggling on my lap on a train at the weekend and this happened to me and I can tell you straight that I didn't appreciate it - how dare some old biddy believe that she can sort my baby out for me!!!

Tbh you don't sound as if you were sympathetic so much as believed that you could do better than her in the moment and maybe you could but you've learned from experience just as she has to be allowed to. It's absolutely true that not all parents are perfect and you are free to judge but without more knowledge than you had only from a distance and without acting on it's very obvious that a few of you are concerned.

This situation sounds horrid, I think it's nice that you offered help her.

@WelshMammaofaSlovak I wouldn’t expect her to take my help (not offended by her reaction at all), as I know what most people are like if offered help. I don’t think people offer help out of thinking they can do better. More they know they struggle and stress that it is and don’t want you or baby to suffer. It’s a shame people are so offended by that.

I’m guessing you’d leave her to it. But I don’t think that telling a baby that it’s being naughty, is horrible, is naughty in an aggressive tone for 20 minutes, during a supermarket shop it wasn’t too busy .

Ok, imagine being a single mum whose moron of a husband has bailed out. Who has no family support locally, and who hasn’t had more then 20 minutes sleep in days. (me, 10 years ago).
That mum is struggling to hold it together at all, and reciting that conversation out loud is providing some sort of comfort because she hasn’t spoken to another adult in days.
She’s at breaking point.
And then someone who has all the support, that she doesn’t have, starts trying to tell her what to do with her child. Try to Imagine. You may not have been judging or telling her what to do, but was how it would have been received.

You can’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives. She wasn’t harming the baby. It was having a whinge. She was tired and in a bad mood. It happens. The best you could do is smile sympathetically at her and give her the opening to start a conversation if she wants to.

Yeah it's pretty shitty but it's 20 minutes out of 24 hours and you've no idea what their life is like otherwise. I'd like to think I wouldn't ever be like that with DD but there but for the grace of God...

And while it's not nice and obviously babies can pick up on tone, if he was that young he won't understand what she was saying.

As for the leaving to cry thing then yes I might do that if I knew that DD wasn't going to be pacified until we were done with the shop and that getting her out and trying to soothe her would just prolong things, such as if she was tired. In that case it would be a whizz round to get finished and back to the car. Sometimes babies cry and you can't drop everything to deal with it as you have to juggle other stuff.

@celebelly, yes and you’d rush out the shop as quickly as you can and sort it ASAP. This was her casually shopping or whatever, anxious baby, being verbally abusive towards it for the entire time. If it was just the crying or a few cross words then I would have probably got an internal eyebrow raise from me and moved on...but it wasn’t

You have said you have lost the plot with your own dc in the past, sounds like this woman was having a hard day, and you are being a bit of a hypocrite really. And how was the baby 8 months? Why not 7 or 9?

@Mintjulia I do understand that, and mums go through a lot, without doing it solo, heartbroken with no family.
It was language directed towards the child that was concerning, that each time baby cried or fussed, she Had verbal aggression thrown at her, not comforted or cooed at or even just shh’shd. Emotional abuse is harmful, I know it’s not physical, everyone has made mistakes when triggered but a baby is not a punching bag. Not everyone has best interests of child at heart.

@bobstersmum I did say about 8 months... but irrelevant really in the baby stage.

If all of us couldn’t find something upsetting just because we might have set a foot wrong in the past.... I mentioned I’d been in a similar state, as a sympathetic statement and to add context that I thought it was more concerning that what happens to most of us.

I’m not about to pretend as a mother I have never lost my temper. However I can categorically say that never happened when my eldest was under 3, doesn’t make me better. Just that I did not feel this was normal or acceptable behaviour from my point of view.

I didn't say you shouldn't feel upset by it, but ringing ss was a bit hysterical in my opinion.

When my DD was a baby she didn't sleep EVER and cried around 22 hours a day. I was absolutely at the end of my tether and got horrendous pnd. Every single time I took her out people would ask if I needed help or would pass comment on her crying. I would often snap at them or sometimes in sheer frustration at DD. I am what I consider to be a great mum. My children are extremely well looked after and I'm qualified in child psycology and work in education. I caused absolutely no long term problems in my tiny daughter by cursing occasionally. The moral of the story OP is you saw a tiny snapshot of a ladies day please do not judge.

@bobstersmum I recognise for a good mum having a bad day or time, that is absolutely not the kind of appropriate option. however if this women didn’t have your benefit of the doubt what’s the best option? What about if she is suffering pnd ( not that those that suffer mental health, all do this to their children at all). But if you saw somebody behaving towards a child in which you found deeply upsetting?- what would you do?

I wonder if her point of view would be.

I had to get out of the house and just walk as I was about to lose it. Since it’s cold and miserable I went to wander around Sainsbury’s for a bit.

This weird woman kept staring at me, the way she was looking at me made me want to break down in tears.

I walked away from her but she kept popping back up standing so close to me that she could her me muttering.

I walked away from her to the baby isle and she reappeared and came up to me. She started rattling on about so I need help, and she has been in a similar state. Then she tried to take the baby off me, she said she was going to hold her whilst I shopped.

I really felt like screaming at her to fuck off and stop staring at me, but inside I was just crumbling, am I such a bad mum that any old cow in supermarket can see it. Is it really so obvious that I’m struggling. I thought I was doing OK since ‘D’H walked out because he can’t take the colicky nights any more...

@Butterbeeeen I really appreciate you replying, and obviously the mum was not in a good place ( assuming and benefit of the doubt here). But would you say that you where attacking towards your baby? It’s impossible not to judge, and most of the time everyone let’s it go- as they should. What’s the best option for helping? I’m not about to imagine I have changed the course of her abuse or her parenting style. But surely everyone wants to improve, and be the best parent- which I know does not mean never getting annoyed, snapping... or riled.

Quite possibly at the time I was quite nasty in the things I said. I have never felt so low in my life. She is 10 now and my best friend and we literally do everything together. I have told her all of this and how utterly awful she was and she thinks it's hilarious.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I'd been you however and TBH I dont think there is anything you can do however I do agree with you that sometimes there is something about the tone, the context and the way the parent is acting towards the child that leads to the strong impression that it's more than a bad day or an off moment.