Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Horrible parent.

69 replies

Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 17:43

So the other day I was in a supermarket, and I heard a baby being fussy/crying, as a mum I instantly turned round to check. The mum was pushing a baby, about 8 months old, she kept saying horrible things to the baby in a very aggressive way, such as ‘you are horrible’, ‘you are being naughty’ ‘ you are being naughty/ go to sleep’ ( this was in a brightly lit, busy store so unless it was a newborn it wouldn’t be sleeping! No blankets and not the crib car seat) Obviously I carried on my shopping, but as I walked through the supermarket could here the baby fussing, towards the end of my shop I was on the baby isle and saw the mum and baby again, still she continued saying what I would consider unnecessary hurtful things to the baby, in both tone and language. how can a baby be naughty!!????!! - so I went up to her and asked she she was okay and if she wanted me to hold the baby for her whilst she shopped, obviously she was livid and tried to hide it and also obviously declined the offer. I’m angry I didn’t have the guts to give her a piece of my mind( which I wanted to do because I felt like crying), but also willing to understand she may have had pnd or some such. I have two of my own young kids, I have lost my temper with my toddler ( by my bad handling and learning to be a mum and him pushing it, but I can never imagine speaking the way this woman was to a defenceless baby, over and over again, who most likely just wanted picking up after being in single layer clothes in a cold supermarket, in the lie back trolley baby seat. I felt traumatised, phoned social services and obviously nothing they can do as I didn’t stalk her and she wasn’t physically abusive. I know most us will have lost our cool and said things we deeply regret to our lovelable sometimes rogues- but this was a baby, in a supermarket, it did feel extreme, but obviously the baby was ‘clothed’ fed and watered so not obvious neglect, more emotional abuse? What should I have done?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 20:29

@Needanewname2 interesting point of view and I sympathise with that, but not really what happened at all.

A mum heard a sound( she didn’t see me as she was pushing the trolley in front). I saw the baby.

I heard the baby as I shopped, when we both ended up on the cosmetic/baby section. I spoke to her, I asked if she was okay and if she needed help. Just that, no wittering.

We live in a quiet country town. I view offering help as no different from helping someone cross the road, if they’ve fallen, whatever ( obviously I judged her but I kept that to myself as I had little context).

I feel sad that just because this is verbal it’s not taken seriously, and I would be concerned if a family member was like that to my baby- then I would have situation context, but I don’t think it would be something I’d let slide)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 20:34

@Butterbeeeen well then I hope she turns out to be a one of the good ones, like you. I hope you can understand why I would be concerned and just the same as it’s not nice to remember those things for you either, as to witness anybody in a dark place. I don’t think you can address that with annoying without upsetting the person your trying to help. Any ideas?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 15/08/2019 20:36

It's possible the mum's just horrid, it's possible she's a nice person who is sleep deprived and utterly at the end of her tether, so there's not really anything you 'should' have done on the available evidence.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
WellVersedInEtiquette · 15/08/2019 20:41

I've said to my newborn 'I don't know what the fuck you want' in the early hours. Babies can test the most calm of people. In your place I would have offered help as you did(and I do all the time at work) but I would have approached her as another mum who has been frustrated and exhausted rather than feeling superior.

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/08/2019 20:43

Jesus judgy much. My son is a beautiful boy and I'd kill anyone who harmed him. But I have said he was being natghty and needed to go to sleep probably aggressively in a supermarket on several occasions. Because he never bloody sleeps. He's wakes every couple of hours and never naps, he is a perfectly lovely boy in the day but a devil at night. I work full timeand have done since he was 6 mths.
You have literally no idea what this woman is going through or even if the child was being devil spwan that day.
Most of us adore our kids bit doesn't mean they are not capable of pushing us well over the edge!

Kanga83 · 15/08/2019 20:46

You have no idea what her life is like. I lived hours from my family when my eldest was born. She had reflux and an undiagnosed milk allergy at the time. I kid you not at night I was upright all night with her in a sling pacing the house. During the day she had to be in a sling otherwise she'd scream in pain and vomit up to 20 times a day. there were many times I asked/told her to be quiet and told her to stop it and be good etc at weeks and months old probably with a scowl on my face. At the same time I would be worrying sick what was wrong with her whilst frantically arguing for referrals and paying to go private to get her the help she needed and crying uncontrollably about what a rubbish mum I was who couldn't comfort her child. Don't judge 15 mins out of a day.

user1493494961 · 15/08/2019 20:47

I can't believe you phoned Social Services!

Honey555 · 15/08/2019 20:59

I’m a very calm, patient person and adore my daughter. But, I had a very difficult baby with colic that cried most of the time for 11 months.

I once screamed at her to fuck off, I have called her a fucking joke. When she was a few days old I said I don’t fucking want her.

She’s my absolute everything and having lost it like that is no reflection on how I actually am as a parent, but we all have a limit. If someone was walking past my house when that happened they probably would have heard me shout and been concerned. I have learned from those outbursts and hope it will never happen again but I’m human.

Anyway, my point is I think you should have left her alone.

Hecateh · 15/08/2019 21:51

Understand where you are coming from but, as far as I can see there are 2 possible scenarios) and the full spectrum between.
1 - she is not a nice person and this is how she is all the time.
Your intervention, however kindly meant, is only ever going to result in negativity - which is unlikely to have any effect but if it does it would be negative.
2 - (and I hope more likely) she is having a bad time with a baby she loves, she is feeling crap and already feeling guilty - your intervention makes her feel worse - and again any effect on her treatment of the baby is unlikely to be positive.

A suggestion - which may help but at least is unlikely to be negative is either to commiserate with the mum. 'They are so frustrating when they won't settle aren't they' OR a positive comment on the baby, whether a lovely head of hair, gorgeous big eyes, anything at all related to the baby.

If you can manage it, even something like 'clearly thriving' or 'looks so well looked after' but only if this is true - as sarcasm won't work.

Something that helps the mum feel a little better about herself is, I think, the only way to get a better outcome for the baby when you are not in any official position.

Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 21:53

@Spanglyprincess1, I have two kids only now after almost four years are they sleeping till 5 ( though this isn’t a competition ...we have all lost it at points with someone). This wasn’t a screaming a baby this was a baby desperate to be held,
,ignored and the way she was disturbing to witness- was red a one off verbal attack of losing it, it was repeated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 21:54

@Hecateh thank you and really good points

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 21:58

@Honey555 I’ve been in that place too, so don’t misunderstand that I fully appreciate that head space. Yes it happens.

It wasn’t just an outburst, or two, it wasn’t just exasperated mum. If it was I’d totally understand that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 22:02

@Kanga83 - she wasn’t in a sling she was in those hard plastic baby crib trolley sections. You had your child in a sling trying to pacify her.

She wasn’t shushed, told to be quiet, or similar. You tried to placate of calm your child, this women was being nasty.

She was told she was horrible, she was naughty she had been naughty, she was bad.

OP posts:
Kungfupanda67 · 15/08/2019 22:12

Omg get a grip.

My baby has cried in a shopping trolley, she has been ‘ignored’ and told to just go to sleep because I know she’s just tired. I could get her out, but then I wouldn’t be able to shop so I’d just have to put her back in.

Unless she was shouting at her horrible naughty baby all the way round the shop you couldn’t have heard her being ‘abusive’ 🙄 to her baby for the 20 minutes. Unless you were following them around the shop.

Babies don’t understand what we’re saying to them - I regularly tell my daughter to stop being naughty. She’s 8 months, she’s not naughty - it’s just something to say.

Kungfupanda67 · 15/08/2019 22:14

And how can you say this wasn’t just an exasperated mum? You saw her for 20 minutes of her 8 months as a mum and you think you can judge her parenting and personality. I repeat, get a grip!

Kungfupanda67 · 15/08/2019 22:17

And ‘this was a baby desperate to be held’. Again, get a grip! You have no idea why she was crying, maybe she hasn’t stopped crying for the past 8 months and her mum has to do the food shop once a week with her crying baby because she’s always crying.

You are a judgemental knob and I expect she realised that when you ‘offered help’ 🙄

This thread has pissed me off 😂

Original poster
Flamingo2019 · 15/08/2019 22:22

I don’t happens to think those things are necessary, kind or appropriate to say, I may be judgemental ( it’s impossible not to be)... there you are insulting me. It might be something to say as you erode away at your child’s being from the day it was born in a passive aggressive parenting style. Doesn’t make it right.

OP posts:
Winter2019 · 15/08/2019 22:37

Honestly, you should've just left it. It's the first time you saw her, you don't know what kind of a parent she is and what kind of day she's had. And to straightaway phone social services!!! Really?! I mean there are plenty kids who need their help but I mean this mum probably just had a very rough 'mum' day

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 15/08/2019 22:58

You sound like a vile, judgemental busybody and the fact you have made a thread only confirms so.

You have made such horrendous accusations based on the bear minimum of someone else's life. Have a fucking word with yourself.

Let me know next time you shout at a child so that I can call social services.

Unbelievable. If you were a friend telling me this, I would put you in your place immediately. Pathetic.

FifteenYemenRoadYemen · 15/08/2019 23:03

This thread and your attitude has pissed me off so much so on behalf of that mother, OP, you are a fuckwit.

Drogosnextwife · 15/08/2019 23:14

I know how you feel OP. I witnessed a grandmother really verbally abuse her granddaughter at the beach one day. The little girl was about 3 and she was calling her all sorts. A brain dead fucking moron, a little filthy bitch, and other things I wouldn't like to say on here, all because she was wet and sandy, then she proceeded to pick her massive, soaking, hairy, sand covered dog up and put it in the car, while calling it her poor little darling. This all happened in a busy car park, in front of the little girls mother. She said nothing, just started getting the little girl changed. I couldnt help myself, I put my children in the car and went over and told her I thought she was disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself and asked the little girls mum how she could allow someone to talk to her daughter like that I thought that little girl should see someone stand up for her even if her own mother wouldn't. I also took her registration and called my friend who was a police officer to ask her advice, but she said social services probably wouldn't do anything, because there was no physical abuse and the little girl was being taken on a day out which isn't consistent with abuse victims!

Drogosnextwife · 15/08/2019 23:24

It's hard for people on MN to accept that there are actually shitty mothers out there OP. It's always just an exhausted mother at the end of her tether, but actually that doesn't always excuse the shitty behaviour. If she is willing to speak to a baby like that in public, who knows what she says in private, its not likely to be any better is it? Talking from experience.

Lucie8881 · 15/08/2019 23:28

One of the big differences between the beach story and this is the language used. The language used by the grandma is undoubtedly abusive in nature, the young girl is also of an age where she can understand what is being said to her.

The OP says the woman referred to the baby 'naughty' on a number of occasions, and it was more about the tone. The whole scenario is subjective, I don't find the language used to be abusive, the OP does. In regard to the tone I can't overly comment as I didn't witness the event, but snapshots like this are easily misinterpreted. Whilst it might not be pleasant viewing the baby would have no comprehension of what was being said, and we have no context in which to frame this incident.

Drogosnextwife · 15/08/2019 23:31

Not at the moment but babies grow up and it soon will understand.

purpleboy · 15/08/2019 23:55

I completely agree with drogo, if this is how she acts in public it's scary to imagine how she is behind closed doors.