School mum friends

[PumpkinP]

I have 3 children at school 8,7 and 5. Since starting the school (my older 2 started half way through as we moved areas about 2 years ago) I haven’t made a single friend, at first I wasn’t bothered by this as I just assumed as they started half way friendships had already been established so I was abit of an “outsider.” but my youngest has just finished reception and it’s the same thing. Ive tried to be friendly to other mums and smile but it hasn’t gone anywhere and due to being shy and socially awkward I’m not the type of person who would just approach people. Like I said it didn’t bother me at first but now it’s the summer holidays and my children have no friends and no one to play with. We live on a busy main road so no children play out.

they’ve never been invited on play dates or even birthday parties, I guess they are not being invited as I’m not friends with the mums so they are probably only inviting children whose mums they’re friends with. I’m just worried for my children not really having friendships outside of school. I have a couple of friends but they are either childless or have teenagers so Don’t meet up with them much.

Is anyone else in this situation? I feel it’s too late now with the school mums as it’s been a long time and in all honesty I stopped bothering even trying to make friends so I think randomly approaching people now would be strange. Any other ways I can help my children develope friendships? I was bullied badly in school and left early so don’t have much friends myself and Don’t want the same for them.

Have you ever invited any of their friends home for tea after school?

Do you have contact details for any of the parents? If you do, invite a friend over next week. Three weeks of holiday left, just do one a week. Ask them who they want to see.

I know it’s a tough thing for you, but you have to put the work in.

I'm in exactly the same position op. The mums in my dcs class are really cliquey. They only do play dates with the mums they're friends with. My dd is popular but never invited to anything. I've really tried with them but they don't want to know. Sorry, no suggestions or advice just sympathy. I'm quite a nice, normal person I think...

No that does help formerbabe as it’s nice to know it’s not just me!
I was told I would make loads of friends once dc start school but nope nothing!

I don’t have any of their contact details we barely say hello tbh. No one seems particularly friendly or approachable. I thought in reception my ds would be invited to a few parties and I would make friends that way rather than forcing it but he wasn’t invited to a single one. I’ve never been approached by any of the mums, I did try with one mum but it wasn’t reciprocated, I’m probably just being silly as I get sometimes people aren’t looking for friends it just the holidays it becomes an issue.

I'm sorry to hear that. Have your children got friends from any other places? You say you moved there 2 years ago, did you meet anyone at playgroups or do they have friends from places like cubs or cricket?

Yes I know, my dd doesn't see any of her school friends over the holidays...it was very odd when she started on the first day of reception, all these mums seemed to know each other already...no idea how! It's hard when they're already friends to break into that group. There's one mum who will sometimes chat to me and then other times totally blank me even when I say hello

Does the school have a Facebook page? Can you contact parents on there and set up play date - either individual or a group at the park?

Just had a look and doesn’t seem they have a fb page at all, there was one page but said only 8 likes and another group but seems to be for older people who had attended it rather than parents and only had 68 people in the group so doesn’t seem they have one. 🤔

That’s very strange formerbabe don’t know why people are like that! She sounds similar to the mum I tried to befriend sometimes she would seem off and I felt it wasn’t reciprocated so I stopped bothering. I think sometimes the mums know each other from nursery so when they start reception they already have their friendship groups.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot on in the area I’ve been looking for some clubs or groups but can’t find much, I still take them out as much as I can but they really only have friends in school.

I don't think it is wise to hinge your social life on making friends at your children's school. There are several reasons I don't think it is a good idea. The main one being that when these friendships break down, it impacts on the children who often are far more compassionate,resilient and forgiving then the adults.

Why not get a hobby or a job while they are at school and make friends there?

Any holiday camps near you? I sent mine to one for a few days so they could have fun and socialise with other children...I don't actually need the childcare as I'm a sahm.

My dd also goes to brownies and is starting a dance class but these extra activities are only on during term time.

I met a few mums when my DS and DD started at pre school. Just got chatting whilst waiting to pick up it children. So when they moved onto reception we already new each other.

come September why don't you start by asking your child to pick a friend to have back for tea and then go from there. When the parents come to collect them then have a few minutes conversation. Then go from there maybe you will be able to start having a brief conversation in the playground
Sometimes though whilst our children like their children it won't mean that you and the parent will gel.
During this holiday see if the school offers any holiday clubs that your children can join - mine offers sports and activity days.
Also maybe your local library - ours has a reading challenge with craft activities which is fun.

Kewlwife
It’s not friends for me, I don’t care if I’m friends with the mums or not. It’s more dcs don’t have friends outside of school and I’m not sure how to change that without being friends with the mums as they are never invited to anything and I’m assuming it’s because the mums are probably only inviting people they are friends with. Unless there is something else I’m not thinking of, usually kids play out so have friends outside of school but as I said being on a main road that doesn’t happen here. Maybe I’m worrying for no reason. Maybe they don’t need to have friends outside of school? We still go to the park, museums, cinema etc.

Will try and find some holiday clubs and things outside of school thanks for the suggestions.

For me and my kids, they get invited to stuff via their school friends. Some parents I know to greet at hometime - some I've never even seen.

Do your children seem to have friends in school?

It’s not friends for me, I don’t care if I’m friends with the mums or not

That's exactly how I feel too. However, perhaps that's where I'm going wrong... all the other mums seem to want and have really close friendships with each other. I don't care really, I'd just like to be on superficial chatting terms and let the children socialise with each other.

But do YOU invite your kids’ school friends round? For parties / playdates / whatever?

That’s probably where I am going wrong aswell. In the beginning I wasn’t fussed if I made friends so admittedly I didn’t really try very hard. Whereas I know some other mums will actively seek out their children’s friends mums and try their best to befriend them aswell. I witnessed this with some of the other classes, not my child’s class (there are 3 reception classes) I saw one woman approach another asking if she was Xs mum and inviting her child to a party,
so I kind of assumed the same would happen over the year but it didn’t. I guess you have to be a social butterfly and I’m more of an introvert.

They do mention friends but I don’t think any of them are overly popular I think they probably all have a small group of friends, they mention a few names , I see kids saying bye to them on the way home. They don’t seem that bothered about it.

No I’ve never invited anyone personally, I don’t even know who their friends mums are. Wouldn’t it be weird to invite someone’s child to my house who I’ve never even spoken to? Would anyone even send their child to someone’s house they didn’t know? I’m not the type that would just approach someone anyway. I’m probably just over thinking it, I will probably just stick to taking them to the park

From your original post, I thought your issue was that you hadn't made any friends and that was the problem as you felt it had impacted on your children.
Just start by inviting one or two back and see if it becomes reciprocal.
I would definitely try and get your children into after school activities - cubs and brownies are great if you have them in your area.

I'm in the same position as you. I moved to a new city when DD was 1. I was a stay at home mum and really looking forward to her starting school so I could make some friends! Even if I only made 1 or 2 friends out of all the 32 mums I would have been so happy. It just hasn't happened. I'm a shy person but do make an effort to chat in the playground. I have nice chats with people but it never progresses beyond that. The worst thing is all the parents are absolutely lovely! And they've all made friends with each other. They're so close that they're always at each others houses, go camping together etc. However, this is where my story differs from yours - my social awkwardness with the parents hasn't stopped my DD making lots of friends. It's true that I do hear about gatherings with all the parents that are friends and their kids and I know in these cases that my DD has been left out because I'm not friends with the parents. I feel sad about that. But still she gets invited to parties, on playdates etc. I think you need to be a little more proactive even if you feel painfully awkward about it. It's always been me that's approached the mums in the playgrounds and invited their child round for tea first. This has then led to my DD being invited back. Of course kids are kids and are very fickle. Sometimes these playdates don't lead to long term friendships but often they do. I like all my daughter's friend's parents but we're not friends yet they still take my daughter out bowling, to the cinema, theme parks or just play dates at their houses. I don't think you should see your failure to make friends as the sole reason for your children not making friends. Just ask them which children they like in their classes and let them invite a friend over each and see where it leads. If it doesn't go anywhere try again with someone else. What I came to realise is that this isn't really about me at all but my DD and her friendships. My relationships with their parents is pretty irrelevant.

I've just seen your comment about it being weird to approach someone you don't know and would they allow their kids to go to your house if they didn't know you? This is not an issue!! I've always approached parents I don't know, have never spoken to. They're perfectly happy for their kids to come round and play. It's not about you or them, it's about the kids being friends. I don't think my DD would have made any friends if I hadn't plucked up the courage to approach the parents and arrange playdates. It's reaped amazing rewards. How can you expect your children to make friends if you don't facilitate play dates? They'll never get beyond just seeing each other at school. It sounds like you're passively waiting for others to invite your kids to stuff without making any effort yourself. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh at all!

Agree that it's not weird to invite children to your house at all. My DC are a little older and I have 2 children in the house right now. I've only ever seen the Mum at the odd drop off or pick up at Brownies, and that was a while ago.

I guess I was probably waiting to be approached and am abit surprised it hasn’t happened as I had 3 at the school not just one, I thought parties and things would have just happened and that’s how friendships would have been formed, always hearing about school parties on MN, I think I thought it would have progress naturally without having to actively seek out friendships. I guess I didn’t think I would have to be the one mum of out 30 to start it!

So why have other parents not approached me to ask for play dates if it’s the done thing? I know I haven’t done it but no one has asked me either, is that unusual?. Tbh a lot of the parents don’t seem to talk and I haven’t noticed any friendships or groups of mums together chatting. Everyone just stands outside the classroom in silence.

That's a bit of a strange dynamic at your school! I don't know why noone's approached you. Like I said no one approached me either. It was always me that made the first move and got the ball rolling. Now my daughter has a much busier social life than me! I spend my life ferrying her around. I think people can be a bit lazy, or just don't think. Maybe if their kids have a couple of friends that come round already they don't bother to try and make new friends. Or maybe people didn't approach me first because I come across as shy and quiet. Could be anything but it's definitely worth inviting some children round and watching how things develop.

Generally, my son badgers me about inviting the child over and then I approach the mum at home time and swap numbers or arrange something.

Most of the time, I suggest meeting somewhere like a soft play or going after school to the park together so we can get to know each other a bit for the first playdate. Some parents go forward from there happy to let their child to mine alone for the next date. Others, for whatever reason, prefer to come over and make it clear that they intend to stay. I operate much the same way when my child has been invited somewhere and I'm not familiar with the family.

That’s exactly what I used to do Kewl. Thankfully mine are now old enough to make their own arrangements