School mum friends

[PumpkinP]

I have 3 children at school 8,7 and 5. Since starting the school (my older 2 started half way through as we moved areas about 2 years ago) I haven’t made a single friend, at first I wasn’t bothered by this as I just assumed as they started half way friendships had already been established so I was abit of an “outsider.” but my youngest has just finished reception and it’s the same thing. Ive tried to be friendly to other mums and smile but it hasn’t gone anywhere and due to being shy and socially awkward I’m not the type of person who would just approach people. Like I said it didn’t bother me at first but now it’s the summer holidays and my children have no friends and no one to play with. We live on a busy main road so no children play out.

they’ve never been invited on play dates or even birthday parties, I guess they are not being invited as I’m not friends with the mums so they are probably only inviting children whose mums they’re friends with. I’m just worried for my children not really having friendships outside of school. I have a couple of friends but they are either childless or have teenagers so Don’t meet up with them much.

Is anyone else in this situation? I feel it’s too late now with the school mums as it’s been a long time and in all honesty I stopped bothering even trying to make friends so I think randomly approaching people now would be strange. Any other ways I can help my children develope friendships? I was bullied badly in school and left early so don’t have much friends myself and Don’t want the same for them.

When they are back at school pick an evening, each child can invite one friend home, either grab parent in morning or afternoon or ask teacher to put a note in their bag. In note give your number and say happy for them to come alone or with parent & sibling. Do a light tea, I find naked pasta with variety of toppings goes down well, plus cakes to decorate. When parents come to pick up invite them in for a tea/coffee, they may or may not accept. You might need to go through a number of friends to find a few to come, plus as you are breaking into existing networks you might need to host more often. It is a bit manic with 6 children in the house but it is easier as each child has a friend so no one left out.

Sometimes you get a cliquey cohort - one of my kids' year groups is a bit like that and you can try till you're blue in the face and get nowhere with it... I've got a fair few acquaintances bordering on friends now in the other year group for my kids - but it's taken a lot of time (and it's the year group we joined in the middle of incidentally - not a reception intake) and just been seen about and starting to make small talk from there to get there.

Also, although it gets a bad press, you could try going along to PTA meetings. They are open to all parents and although they have a cliquey reputation if you keep turning up and volunteering you might get to know a few parents better.

TheBrockmans I was going to suggest this too. If you are a SAHM OP I’d volunteer for every event at the school.

I think your suggestion of picking an evening a week is very good too.

OP are there any clubs running where you live during the summer? Our library runs things like Lego Club which is free and you might find they know other children there. They could sign up for the reading challenge while you’re there.

Our Tennis Club has sessions for under 10s and again, they would probably already know some of the children.

Perhaps stop waiting for other mums to approach you, and you try and be friendly and charming and engage them in a brief chat at the school gates. Most people probably won't go out of their way to chat to someone who seems shy & socially awkward, unfortunately. Asking your kids if they'd like to invite friends over would be a great place to start. Then you can offer the parent a cup of tea when they come to collect, quick lighthearted chat about the kids and if it goes well hopefully they'll invite your child back to theirs next time, and you build a little connection. It's not easy! Might be worth the effort though, if it means your kids get included in parties and social things going on.

Did your children not have parties?

Thanks for all the suggestions. Will definitely give them a go. Nothing to lose really.

No they haven’t had parties we normally do a day out as a family but nor have any other the other kids in their classes it seems as they’ve never mentioned any having a party and not being invited. I guess on mumsnet all class parties seem to be a big thing but there’s never been any at my dcs school.

It's a two way thing though. You say you've never invited any of the kids over- I don't know if you've had parties for the kids, but maybe you need to take the initiative and do the inviting/ although obviously hard if you have no contact details for during the summer, but maybe make more of an effort yourself when school goes back and see how it goes?

Unfortunately if you are in the UK there will be parties but your dc are not invited, especially in the younger years. The parents have probably just been sensitive in handing out invites. I would concentrate on who the dc play with, sit down with each child individually and get a list of two or three friends. I presume at parents evenings the teachers always report that they are happy and socialising. In reception and ks1 that is always my top question and not far off the top question in ks2.

I love seeing them interact with friends, you really do get a different perspective on their lives. It is a faff having to have a vaguely tidy house and dealing with different dietary needs and the occasional squable (generally though between the siblings - 'Mummy, Amelia and I want to play in the garden but George says he is playing there with his friend and won't let us.') I think it is generally though better than just them alone as they don't want to look bad in front of their friends. Sometimes you see all six playing together which is bliss and you can have a cup of tea and put your feet up.

Do try to work on befriending the parents too as they may think that you are a little stand offish and separate, which it doesn't sound like your intention at all but could come across as that. Unfortunately when your dc are new to a school you do need to make more effort, and I would say that it probably was more one sided for the older one, so I did host more, but as long as they are friends and there aren't massive cultural or religious barriers (e.g. Plymouth brethren) which mean they don't socialise you will hopefully find a few friends to invite for each child.

Some combinations do work better than others, there were a few over the years who wound each other up, so I would learn not to have Molly and Harry at the same time, but generally the friends get on well.

Parents at the school gates are worse then being in the playgroup as a child!
My eldest is going to year 4 and never gets invited anywhere. I think it's my fault as I was good friends with some of the girls mum's and now we don't speak. I'm yet to know why but I was outcasted last year! She did used go to a lot during the holidays as I was always invited along however this year shes not been invited anywhere. Despite me inviting a couple of friends over (none have come yet).
My son' is doing in to year 2 and I'm good friends with quite a few of the mum's. I'm always asking others to join us via facebook and whatsapp but no one other then us "regulars" would meet up some ive finally given in and stopped asking. I dont make an effort with parents that dont make an effort with me at the school gates any more. I feel like I've tried to include everyone but if they can't be bothered then it's not my problem.

So to sum up. If you want your child to be invited to places you need to invite them. Some times it won't be reciprocated but as long as your child has that social interaction does it matter? And if you want to be part of the "clique" for your social life you've got to make the effort. But be warned school mum's can be total bitches and the way they behave can hurt. It's something I've learnt the hard way!

Feel your pain on this. Ask the teacher who they play with during the day and then focus on these people xx

Mummy, Amelia and I want to play in the garden but George says he is playing there with his friend and won't let us.')

I pissed myself. Sorry. It sounds like something out of an Enid Blyton novel.

Thing with child parties and school friends is that if you're one budget and can only have a certain number of kids,you have to factor in the "obligatory invites" like cousins, friend's children, local children etc. This can mean that you really can only invite your kid's best friends at school.

You have to reach out PumpkinP, it's no good moping about mean school mothers, invite your dc's class mates or neighbours' dc, or send them to holiday camps. It takes time but you'll get there.

This thread has got me worrying a bit. I have a 2yo and find it hard to make friends. At this age they pretty much rely on you to have friends with kids for play dates etc. This is why I just go to a few open baby groups where he can play.

It’s not nice and was hoping that when he went to school he would make his own friends and get invited to parties based on his own friendships and not mine! If that’s the case, he’ll get invited no where and that makes me sad for him!

I thought it was normal for the whole class to be invited to bday parties or at least all he girls/boys so no ones singled out!

@Underworld345 but they do make their own friends at school. It's completely different when they're toddlers but at that age they don't really play together properly. Lots of schools do have whole class parties and if not your child will probably make friends. You need to put in the effort of inviting kids round once they're at school. You don't have to be friends with the parents for this to happen.

If you don't have parties for your children, it's no surprise they don't get invited to others OP.

So parents only invite children whose parties theyve been to? My children’s birthdays are at the end of the school year (all 3 were all born in the same month so it’s a very expensive month, it would mean three parties in one month 😩) but the parents wouldn’t have known they weren’t going to have a party then especially my one in reception.

I think you are failing to grasp the basics here!

I invite kids over or to parties or days out, in return mine get invited out

They are now teens and invite each other in groups. It’s seen as normal.

Kids who don’t invite or don’t come are dropped. No worth asking to be rejected every time.

So parents only invite children whose parties theyve been to?

Not necessarily but if your children don't have many friends then it is one way of making them. You could do a belated picnic at the park in mid Sept. I don't even necessarily think you need to have whole class parties, but invite 4 or 5 of their close friends.

So parents only invite children whose parties theyve been to? Yes, my DD's class worked exactly like this.

If you want your children to make friends I think you are going to have to change the way you are dealing with this. There's been a whole heap of useful suggestions already.

DD is summer born and I knew her party wouldn't be until the end of year so I invited other children for regular play days, at least once a week after school. I did the same for DS.

Like others have said, you seem to be failing to grasp the basics.

Yours don't do out of school activities, you don't invite other children over or arrange to meet up somewhere and you don't have birthday parties. All of these are the cement of friendships, especially at 5.

My best suggestion would be what others said about finding clubs/groups. Like brownies/cubs/woodcraft etc, then make an effort to chat with those parents when you start. Kids will meet new friends and some of them may go to their school.

Or volunteer to do more stuff with the school i.e. school trips/fetes just to get more into the school community?

The one thing I would say - don't mention your worries to your kids as they may start worrying.

Is there not a whatsapp group for any of the classes’ parents or anything?

How is it at the school gate, do you talk to anyone?

Ask your kids, so does no one have birthday parties in your classes?

Are there any pta events at all?

Honestly, I think lots of people don’t realise that creating and maintaining a social life is quite hard work sometimes, especially if you’re starting from scratch in a new town.

Are you normally a sociable person, I mean wherever you were before this new place?

Are you normally a sociable person, I mean wherever you were before this new place? I think the OP has said she’s socially awkward.

And you’re right, all of this is a lot of effort but worth it if you want your children to have friendships.

Just asked my son, it was difficult to get any sense out of him but he said they do have parties but you can only go if you ask their parents! So maybe I was right and they are having parties but just inviting parents they know. My reception age child said he doesn’t think so when I asked about his class.

I would volunteer for school stuff but I have a 2 year old at home I’ve asked to go on school trips before (my dd was desperate for me to go on one with her) but the school said no because of my youngest,which was fair enough.

Generally I’m not very sociable which is why this is so much of a struggle, I’m very shy and introvert, I struggle making conversation and never know what to say. I don’t think any of the mums look that friendly tbh none of them smile or say hello. I’m not aware of any WhatsApp group but then I guess again that’s probably for the mums that are friends.

I would say stop focussing on the other mums. It's really not relevant whether they're friendly or whether you get on with them. It's about your kids and their friends. Invite some kids over for your kids sake. It'll really help them develop friendships. The mother of my daughter's BFF and I are completely different. She's great but we have nothing in common and never know what to say to each other. We will never be friends. Still it doesn't matter. Our daughters have been close for years, they see each other outside school at least twice a week. They take my DD out all the time. It's a wonderful friendship for the children. As for us two mums we just make awkward smalltalk about the weather whenever we see each other! You seem far too focused on your relationships (or non-rekationships) with the mothers.