MIL always insists on "ladies first"

[user1199]

It's rare that all 7 grandchildren are round for lunch at the same time but this week they were. MIL serves all the girls (mums included) before moving on to boys followed by the dads. She always says "ladies first" I find this view so dated. This then continues for pudding then on to other things such as order in which children get a turn on the slide. I just roll my eyes and ignore it. I want my little boy to have patience and wait his turn but just because he can and not because he's a boy. I am typically quite old fashioned in my thinking of boys clothes and girls clothes and what's boys toys and girls toys but I still find this a bit much. I won't be saying anything to MIL but was just curious what other people thought as none of the other family members seem to bat an eyelid.
Sickly or sweet?
Chivalry or sexism?

I think if your going to let genitals dictate what toys your child can plan with, then you can't really comment on MIL using genitals to determine who goes down the slide first.

So whilst I think it's old fashioned, and would annoy me, you don't really have any real argument to make

I don't think it's a big deal, I would too roll my eyes but wouldn't say anything. He is more likely to think his grandmother is batty than thinking girls always have to go first. Just role model people are equal and turn taking as you normally would and I'm sure that is what he will view as normal.

TBH I think you're just as outdated and silly if you believe there are boys toys and girls toys.

She's from another generation where that was considered good manners. I think when your children are bigger you can just explain that this was the tradition back in the day.

It wouldn't bother me. I'd be more bothered by someone from my own generation telling my son that his beloved baby doll is a 'girls toy.'

I personally think distinguishing between boys and girls toys is far more ridiculous than serving ladies first. Yes it’s old fashioned but your MIL is older so to her it’s basic etiquette. Just tell your DS that that’s how things used to done and he has to respect his GM and wait patiently for his turn to be served even though you know it’s silly. However, someone of your generation should know better than to think dolls are only for girls, at least your MIL has the excuse of her age!

My stance on toys seems to be the same as most I chat to at playgroup. I happily watch him push a pink pram round at playgroup but have not bought him one however if he was at the age to go out and choose a toy for himself and that is what he choose He would have it.
I would naturally pick up a blue sweeping brush over a pink one for example.
I guess by describing myself as old fashioned when it comes to toys and clothes what I mean is that I'm not following this gender neutral trend even remotely.
I'm prepared now to get flamed for that comment.

Your boy is going to grow up with sexist and outdated views unfortunately if you continue your pink for girls and blue for boys attitude.

I agree with coolwalking. My daughter wore mainly dungarees and jeans when young as they protected her legs from grazes etc. She enjoyed a wide variety of toys but not dolls, choosing lego, art and craft stuff and skates etc. She is a good artist now and dresses in a variety of different alternative clothing! My son chose to play with kitchen sets, he enjoyed making dinner for everyone. He now works in IT.

My MIL does this. She also insists on adults before kids (so the order is adult women, adult men, girls, then boys) which is quite hard to explain to your hungry two year old boy watching everyone else get their food before him

Why is MIL serving anyone rather than them helping themselves. At our house I think this would go: mummy 1 who would help her dc, then the daddies, then the hosts. Apologies for referrimg to mummies and daddies.

You're just as bad. Sorry. I know you don't want to hear that but it's true.

I am not criticising - I also struggle with pitching gender to my kids (I have one of each sex) and I agonise over the messages I'm sending to them. But I don't let it dictate the toys they're getting or activities they take part in.

Maybe she does this as it was the other way when she was growing up? Men served first then children then the woman last.

I couldnr get upset by this. Your child can simply learn that different people do it different ways.

Its not always girls or women first in my house. The kids get their plates then adults. At school they just queue.

I think the gendered toys, given they are picked by his own parent, will have more of an impact. If ds was getting a tiy, he picked what colour. Sometimes it was the 'girls' sometimes the 'boys'. Everything is currently red if it's available. He is 8 and iron man, spider man and Captain Matvel obsessed. They all have red on their suits.

His favourite film is currently, Captain Marvel, so he has a Captain Marvel fancy dress outfit. No issue.

It wouldn't particularly bother me, it's just what she considers good manners. I wouldn't like adult females being served before boys though - normal in my family would be the parents descending on the kitchen first to plate up for their kids and then adults served once they're all sorted.

Definitely agree that your attitude to toys is far more damaging. If he enjoys pushing a pram around, why not buy him one? What could possibly be bad about him learning to care for a doll?

Perhaps men were served first when she was younger and she’s trying to address the imbalance she grew up with?

When I was a child, we had to serve the men first and keep their plates and drinks topped up. I’m now super sensitive about making sure I don’t serve the men first.

She's probably in her own way trying to go against the grain?
A lot of us grew up watching the boys/men get the bigger/better portions at meals.
Men eating, then the eomen washing up etc.
And when boys shoved girls out of the way to get on the slide first it was "boys being boys" and nobody turned a hair.
Could be barking up the wrong tree as I don't know the woman, but if she came from this outdated upbringing, she may be on a mission to give the girls first dibs.

It's a bit outdated but when you're serving for big numbers you have to put them in some order so that's the one she's chosen. If you had a daughter and she served men first you'd probably have an issue with that too.

And yeah OP definitely don't let him play with "girl toys" his penis will drop off and he'll turn gay overnight. The horror.

No, wait, he won't. Toys are toys. Give your head a wobble.

You’re getting a lot of grief for your boys toys girls toys comment (obviously lol!).

I’m very anti-gendered toys, I hate that for girls to play with Lego there has to be a pink version and the sets of pink plastic balls, my sons have both had pushchairs and babies and toy kitchens, but I think the vast majority of people faced with a blue pushchair and a pink one would pick up the blue for a boy and pink for a girl. Likewise the vast majority of kids I know are dressed in gendered clothes, because otherwise what do you put them in? My daughter wears lots of blue, but they’re still girls clothes.

Your MIL is weird, mainly because I can’t tjink of anything less enjoyable than eating my meal while my kids sat next to me whinging about where theirs is. I’d rather be served last

How did I know you had a boy when I first started reading that.

You're not just 'old-fashioned', you're horribly sexist and pushing ridiculous stereotypes into your poor children.

I only have girls and my MIL said something once about my husband should sit st the head of the table as he's the man of the house - I lightheartedly challenged her (we were in my house) as I don't want that message being sent to my children (he can sit there, but so can any of the rest of us). I don't like ladies first either. We do guest children, children, other guests, us when we serve.

Re the toys and clothes thing - I'm a big supporter of 'let toys be toys' and 'let clothes by clothes'. Take a look!

Solution: buy your MIL a blue slide and a pink slide, then you can both be happy with your ‘not going along with this gender-neutral trend’ ways! If that works you can suggest replacing all her kitchen plates with pink/blue versions for the adults as well, that’ll sort your mealtimes issue out.

Missing the point, but I always hated being served first, as senior female guest in the PIL’s house.
It’s of course bad manners to start eating until everyone has been served - so by the time all 14 people at the table had received their plates, mine was stone cold!
I suspect “ladies first” was invented by men to ensure they got hot dinners.

Whilst I agree that gender shouldn't dictate order it was the way your mil was brought up and , indeed , the way I and countless others were brought up and it was considered good manners. Generations of children were fine to wait their turn, everyone had to wait for all the food to be served before starting anyway.

I was always taught guests, then age before beauty, then sex for serving! So it would be

Female Guest
Male Guest
Child guests (female, then male!)
Female adults (non guest)
Male adults (non guest)
Female children
Male children
Host/server last

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ex'MIL (hosting) would serve herself and start eating imnediately, then everyone else would pile in (food in serving dishes on table). Toddlers and primary age DC were ignored, even to extent of no seats set out at table for them so I would have to run about squeezing them onto piano stools and cushions, then serve them from the rapidly emptying dishes, fetch them water or whatever ....then sit down to serve myself, by which stage MIL was irritated as she had finished (speed eater) and people were wanting seconds. In fact they were often taking second helpings before we had a chance. Well out of that one !