MIL always insists on "ladies first"

[user1199]

It's rare that all 7 grandchildren are round for lunch at the same time but this week they were. MIL serves all the girls (mums included) before moving on to boys followed by the dads. She always says "ladies first" I find this view so dated. This then continues for pudding then on to other things such as order in which children get a turn on the slide. I just roll my eyes and ignore it. I want my little boy to have patience and wait his turn but just because he can and not because he's a boy. I am typically quite old fashioned in my thinking of boys clothes and girls clothes and what's boys toys and girls toys but I still find this a bit much. I won't be saying anything to MIL but was just curious what other people thought as none of the other family members seem to bat an eyelid.
Sickly or sweet?
Chivalry or sexism?

I was taught the same as SciFiScream.

Guests before family
Elder before younger
Ladies before gentlemen
Host and hostess last. (In case you run out of food.)

There isn't really any differn ce between thinking there are differences between boys and girls clothes and toys, and thinking there are sex-based ways of doing other things round the house.

You can't make MIL change.

But you can change yourself, and there is still time for your DC to benefit.

Stereotypes in the home are dreadfully limiting.

A bit of weirdness when you visit MIL won't make any real difference. Your choices, especially about toys, are way more important

Your Mil serves 7 GC food plus parents. Bless her.

FFS let it go

@Babdoc if there’s more than 8 no need to wait I was always taught!

Ladies first is ingrained in a lot of people, I believe. I always do children first because they’re less able to cope with hunger.

The toy thing I am of two minds about. I get the toys that my DD likes. At the minute, she’s obsessed with Lego Friends so that’s what I buy. It’s the ‘girl’ version of Lego but I didn’t start her off with that. She gets ‘boy’ sets too. I will often pick something pink over blue but only because DD expressed a preference for the colour red and pink is closer to red than blue is. If she’s in the shop with me though, she always gets to choose.

It would amuse me.
my Mother feeds the men/boys, first they get the best of everything, she is stuck in the 1950's.
Christmas Day the men get a cooked Full English and the ladies/girls get the leftovers. I find "ladies first" a preferable alternative.

To be honest, I think the OP is getting some harsh comments here. I also don't buy my son pink prams and dollies. He did sleep in pink next to me crib but only because it was the only eBay bargain we could find. I also don't be dressing my son in a dress. So I guess I share OP's views on boys' clothes and toys in that respect. However, I've never felt myself remotely sexist and old-fashioned, I actually teach children about feminism in school (I'm a teacher) and am a strong advocate for women's rights in the workplace 🤷‍♀️

The MIL 'ladies first' attitude would irritate me too. I want my son to grow up holding door open etc for EVERYONE not just women.

Oh come on people the toys thing say a ball for example there's a big box of balls there's pink or blue I am pretty sure if most parents were going to purchase that ball they would pick pink for a girl or blue for a boy when they have a very young child not yet expressing their own favourite colour.
When I go into our local farm shop and I want to treat my son I will automatically without even thinking choose a tractor or machinery type toy over the fluffy ponies and dress up horse rider dollies and I feel no shame in that.
Just for the record his riding hat is RED when he rides his pony! Yay neutral points for me!
He see's his mummy drive a tractor and his daddy doing some cooking. His you hoover is blue, come to think of it in the shop I had the choice of pink or blue, oh I made a terrible choice!
In a shop I would choose a car top for example over a princess top but wouldn't most?
By me originally calling myself old fashioned I guess what I mean is that I'm not purposely trying to go with the gender neutral trend. (Flame me for that comment too)

Personally I'd be more concerned about the children being brought up allowed to choose what sex/gender (whatever the pc term is) they would like to be.

As I've said the MIL thing isn't a huge issue and I wouldn't bother saying anything, I was just curious about people's thoughts.

I never bought anything pink for my daughter. and bought my sons and daughter buggies and dolls. Your MILs comment is as sexist as you are. Not raging but enough to be a bit irritating.

I am pretty sure if most parents were going to purchase that ball they would pick pink for a girl or blue for a boy

No, I honestly don’t think so. If you want to do that then own it as the thing you want to do. No need to pretend that everyone else here is secretly doing the same even though they say they’re not.

I’m not sure ‘old-fashioned’ is the bet descriptor either - much less of this pink-and-blue nonsense when I was growing up in the 80s.

Ignore anybody saying you're sexist OP, usual virtue signalling on here. People love to think they're perfect but in reality I think most of us are just like you. Your comments about your ds playing with a pram but you wouldn't buy him one are pretty sensible & completely normal! MIL sounds fairly harmless, I don't think there's any MIL who doesn't say something like this.

Ladies first is a social norm in the UK both in the working world and school too. Yes it’s outdated but it’s a part of British culture, similar to Asian people standing up for anyone who looks remotely older than them, and your son should learn it.

What kind of jobs is ‘ladies first’ a thing in the working world?

Personally, I'd have no problem with the serving thing - as shown on this thread, there are apparently lots of different rules on who gets served first. We were taught guests first, then family, then hosts. Not entirely sure if there was a male/female first/second thing. Possibly, but I missed it.

But that's about manners and process and frankly, knowing that there are these sorts of rules out there (even if they're often confusing and contradictory) is pretty helpful I think for children growing up.

However, the girls first on the slide thing is completely bonkers. Once they're out playing, it's not about manners it's just about being kind and nice to each other generally. So no pushing. No shoving. No pushing in.

II am pretty sure if most parents were going to purchase that ball they would pick pink for a girl or blue for a boy when they have a very young child not yet expressing their own favourite colour*

Then extend that to when they’re older- Try having a girl who prefers blue, and is consistently told at the till that they have the boys ball, and the girls one’s are over there.

I avoided pink/ blue whenever i could for this reason, and chose red/yellow/green instead.

We really need to stop with this shit. It makes life really hard for kids when they feel they have to conform all the time.

I have a mother who feeds the men first- best cuts, largest portions, women and children get second choice.

In my mil’s house it’s a free for all and if you don’t get started as soon as the food hits the table you won’t get anything!

It’s a social norm. One of those hidden things you won’t necessarily realise until you’re part of an industry. But in investment banking men are absolutely expected to hold the door open and let women go first regardless of the country where you’re based - it’s the ‘polish’ aspect that Amol Rajan mentioned in his show yesterday. Little things like that, combined with a good interview, and being smartly presented will get you noticed.

I think it’s a bit silly of your mil but on the other hand the men in my family will quite happily pile up their plates while the mums rush about to feed the kids, snd then the women end up eating last. Maybe there is a logic (even if a bit sexist) to her approach. Obviously it’s not the solution.

No, not all of us instantly go for the tractor or the blue ball or the wrestling doll.

I just buy whatever my kids show an interest in, DD has a favourite mr T doll and DS has a Minnie Mouse tshirt because that’s what they liked and wanted. I didn’t pick pink for DD’s baby clothes, she wore lots of colours. Even some of her older brothers clothes. I really find that attitude just as outdated tbh.

Investment banking, hey? Huh.

We were once invited for a meal along with 2 other couples maybe around 17 years ago. Our hostess insisted on the wives serving their husbands food first. I was a bit about this but smiled and bit my tongue

So mummy does the stereotyping with toys and clothes and granny does it with food. But it's ok for mummy but not granny?

That's logical.

Why don't you let your son choose his own toys? Does he actually want a tractor or a pram or what?

Choosing a toy does not equal choosing your gender. and nor is it virtue signalling FFS

I'm with you OP on the I go for the pink truck for my girl and the blue doll for my boy ( I will now hide lol ) . Im pretty old fashioned with my attitude to things . Im 36 but I was raised by my grandmother so that probably has a factor to it 💁‍♀️ however alot of what i do eg doors being held open for me and appreciating it, I thought were manners not down to your gender .
What your mil did wouldn't really bother me other than if my little boy was really little and didn't understand that he needed to wait a little longer for his dinner :)

You are being a bit hypocritical although I don’t like the idea of being served first just because I’m a woman.

That being said, I’m not sure I like the idea of a boy being raised to think ladies shouldn’t come first and I can’t quite articulate why. So I’m equally as bad

Poor MIL feeding the family and still getting grief 😂 I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. People are too quick to be offended by things these days