Toddler running away

[kmammamalto]

Okay, I've seen so much good advice on here that I'm looking for some myself! The title might be a bit misleading so I'll try and explain one incident that happened last night as it's a good example. DS is 2 and 10 months (three in September) and has always been a bit of a dream honestly. I think we've been able to coast, as although he's hard work in the usual 'on the go' toddler way, we have escaped any really big tantrums and stuff so far!
So now he thinks it's great craic to run away. Only it's not all the time and totally unpredictable and it's making me worry as he will run into roads when he's usually very careful. It's like a switch!

Last night we were out for dinner, he was fine, really good. There was a pond outside in the courtyard and when we were leaving we went to say goodbye to the fish in it, he picked up a cigarette butt off the side of it and I told him it was dirty and to put it down and he grinned and bolted. Back inside, through the tables, through the bar and out the door, paused at road saw me coming laughed and ran across the road to put the butt in the bin. 😨 he didn't look he just ran but his pause let me.shout and look for cars. I was a minute behind as the bar was busy and hard to navigate after him and I'm 28 weeks pregnant so getting slower!
Wise mumsnetters, sorry it's so long but I want to give a full picture. It's so random and I can trust him 90% of the time but I need strategies as I was in bits last night and it was upsetting for us both as I dragged him out of the road 😐
I'm worried that I will have to abandon the baby when she's here to leg after him if we don't crack it.
Hit me with all of your advice and (constructive) criticism!!
Thank you

@SmartPlay so when you're holding their hand and they slip your hand and bolt into traffic and are killed or seriously injured? Great(!)
No matter how well behaved they are, all it takes is a second and it's an accident that could have been prevented
You can still teach them while using reins for safety. It's like stabilisers on a bike or L plates on a car or a million other things

And being 5ft 10 it's easier to hold a backpack/rein than a hand without crippling your back!

@Femodene " When, instead, you can use safety equipment to save the kids life, and others. Can’t believe people would rather have a kids life (and others) be at risk for the sake of the aesthetics of reins."

Are you sure you are saving kids' lifes with it, and it isn't just something being used because it's convenient for parents to simply have their child on a leash instead of communicating with the child, teaching the child and watching the child? Because from what you wrote just before the part I quoted, it pretty much sounds like you think it's ridiculous and just unnecessary effort to teach the child.

Anyway: I'd be interested in statistics about traffic accidents in which pedestrian toddlers' have been injured or killed ... a comparison between the UK and some European countries. If it really increases safety, the UK must have a MUCH lower rate. I'll try to find something.

@YesQueen ^"so when you're holding their hand and they slip your hand and bolt into traffic and are killed or seriously injured? Great(!)
No matter how well behaved they are, all it takes is a second and it's an accident that could have been prevented"^
Hold their hand properly? You pretend like that's so hard. If I am in a situation where it could really take only a second - e.g. when we walk close to a street with no parking cars or when we cross a street - I hold my son's hand extra tight. He wouldn't be able to slip his hand from mine in these situations without me first noticing that that's what he intends to do.

"You can still teach them while using reins for safety. It's like stabilisers on a bike or L plates on a car or a million other things"You can, I've never seen anyone do it, though. Physical barriers tend to make people care much less about other safety measures.

Reins! We used them all the time from about 1-2.5 yrs, then selectively until we were absolutely sure DD wouldn't bolt. Rarely now DD is 3.5. They are just bogstandard Mothercare ones. Along with reinforcing what behaviour is expected near roads etc. She's now very good but it's taken a lot of repetition.

@SmartPlay I'd rather teach my child about road safety whilst having the added security of reigns.
If you want your child to get run over then be my guest but I'm not going to put my child at risk because reigns are 'made for dogs' 🙄

@SmartPlay haha yes I will try and reason with my two year old while negotiating the busy city streets - as two year olds are well known for responding to logical discussions, and have amazing impulse control 🙄 Great idea. In the meantime I’ll keep him safe by using reins. I’d rather he has a temporary loss of dignity than dies or is seriously injured under a car/bus if he wriggles his hand out of mine at the wrong moment.

You know it is actually possible to teach road safety even while they are wearing reins, children don’t immediately become docile when the reins are on!

Never understood the looks like a dog comments. DS1 walked early, was incredibly energetic. To hold his hand hard enough that he couldn’t slip away would have hurt him. Reins gave him the freedom to walk the safety of not getting squished and also saved him from a lot of scraped knees.

If I hadn’t have used reins he would have need to be strapped into a pushchair a whole heap more. No fun for anyone.

Love reins, DS1 wore them until he was 3.5. DS2 was a saner toddler and therefore stopped wearing them earlier.

yy to reins and hand holding.
Also, what did you do when he caught him? Did he know you were cross and frightened?

@Constance1234 Who said anything about reasoning with a 2 year old? I don't reason with my toddler, but I give explanations and teach him behaviour. I also teach him, that if I say he has to do something, he has to do it. If he doesn't behave, there will be consequences, like having to sit in the buggy.
Of course he doesn't comprehend my explanation about card being dangerous, but if I'd only say things to my child he understands, I wouldn't speak to him at all.

You can still start to teach Road safety with reins on, but with the added security of the reins. My toddler is only 18 months and I will continue to use them until I can trust him 100%.. not worth the risk it!

Until he is able to be trusted not to be a flight risk he must be at your side all the time. The only way to ensure that is reins

Go with reins and pay no mind to the comments of SmartPlay.

Reins. 3 year old by me was hit by a car as he bolted into the road. It was horrific.
My toddlers just learning to run and I'm buying them online now!

@SmartPlay You are lucky your child is the obedient type. Mine is lovely, but is pretty stubborn. I spend my time teaching him about, and explaining the world to him too (it comes across like you are implying that I don't!), but that doesn't mean he wont get distracted by something and take off at high speed. As a pp said, reins actually give them more of a sense of freedom, they don't have to be holding your hand and can be a bit more autonomous. You seem to be so anti-reins that you can't or won't comprehend that for some children they are the safest option when out and about.

Unfortunately OP you can't trust him 90% of the time! You can't trust him at all because he's only a small child and doesn't have any sense of danger yet. He needs to be either contained in some way (a Smart Trike maybe, if he objects to a buggy) or be physically connected to you, you holding firmly to his hand for instance.

I was nannying for a couple of little ones once. I think at the time the little girl was 3 and her brother 5. We'd been to the library where they'd picked up some sort of leaflet advertising storytime or whatever, and we were walking back through town. The little girl dropped the leaflet and it fluttered into the road. Before I could blink she'd whipped her hand out of mine and dove after it, right in front of a car! Thank goodness it was only being driven slowly and they braked in time. When I expostulated that she could have been run over, her older brother (who was at least 5!) responded with 'if she hadn't gone after it, the LEAFLET would have been run over!'

What I'm trying to say is that even older children don't have a real understanding of danger. They make random decisions on the spur of the moment. When I was 4 or 5 I ran right into a main road for no reason at all and scared my mum about to death.

You don't want to be asking how you can discourage him from running off, you want to KNOW that he will not have the opportunity to again.

What is the difference between holding a hand and reins?! It's the same thing. It's a method of holding on to your child and stopping them from running off. I preferred reins because holding a small hand tightly if they started trying to pull away felt like a recipe for potentially hurting them. There's also nothing to stop you using reins AND teaching your child to stay safe. Reins aren't some easy answer, they don't suddenly make a toddler biddable and compliant. Unless you chat and interact and teach them they just flop and dangle and refuse to co-operate.

Another vote for reins. Ds1 was a dream but I couldn't risk it, I had a baby in a pram and I was 3 weeks post c section when I ventured out with both children. I couldn't have wrestled or chased Ds1 should he have darted out into the road or just run off.

I have seen a 3 year old nearly hit by a car, the driver was an absolute wreck and not his fault in the slightest. This was on a school run.

Making this issue about lazy parenting and not "communicating" to your child is bollocks. This is about safety, purely safety. They are 3, they don't understand danger. Judging by half the teens riding bikes to school it hasn't even sunk in by then.

"Reins? Seriously? The child is not a dog, for fuck's sake!"

YES. Reins...SERIOUSLY.

My auntie had 18 month old twins and a 3 yo - so "holding hands firmly" didn't cut it with two out of three of them being bolters, and not being able to hold a hand firmly, and push a double buggy at the same time, as well as get wherever they needed.

Reins were perfect.

You can have as many sensible conversations as you like with them, but at the end of the day, those reins made life manageable.

Saying that all you need to do to keep your child safe is "talk to them" or "hold their hands"

is like saying... "now, don't fall into that pond darling - because if you do, I'll have to hold your hand" and letting them merrily go on their way...
and if they fall into the pond and nearly drown, you'll just have a word with them and explain....

Thank you so much mumsnetters!! I think I am going to get him a backpack one and one of the ones that go wrist to wrist so I can attach to buggy!
I do appreciate the sentiment of it not being like a dog (Even if husband calls it a lead!) But he does seem to have a fairly good grasp of road safety for a toddler, he holds hands to cross and he will stop and wait ALMOST all the time. Which as a PP said is really as good as not at all as it only takes one time for it to be a horrendous outcome.
He knew I was upset and did react but I can't rely on him remembering and applying what he learns to each and every scenario. Especially with situations like described in this thread. It makes my blood run cold and I'm thankful for all of you sharing your stories, even if they are hard to hear. We've just been across to the park and he was like the perfect child, telling me to get off the road! 🙄 parenting huh! You just never get to the point where you feel like you've got it together 😂 at least I don't!

SmartPlay my son is nearly 2.5, however he has some slight development delay with speech and language. He's also an incredibly busy toddler. I've recently had a baby so was heavily pregnant just a few months ago and now have an 8 week old. How do you propose I deal with the potential of my son running onto a busy road? Shall I just leave him dart off? Do I leave my daughter in a pram which could roll down a hill on into the road? Because in that split second, I either chase after my toddler or stop for a second to put the brake on the pram? Either which could be catastrophic in a couple of seconds regardless of my decision.

Guess what? I'd prefer the option on my son using a rein and knowing BOTH of my children are safe. Their lives are my absolute number one priority. Its not always so black and white.

Nuttyaboutnutella

well....obviously " Your child needs to learn that he's not allowed to run away and that it's unacceptable to do it"

So "use logical consequences for that - if he runs off, he'll have to hold you hand for the rest of the time. Or, if you use a buggy, he has to sit in it. Close to places where it's dangerous if he bolts, he has to stay close to you or hold your hand, as long as he can't be trusted."

its so simple

@Constance1234 : "You are lucky your child is the obedient type."

As I've mentioned previously, my child (my son at least), is not an especially calm and obedient child. He is simply being taught that if he's being told something by me, he's required to obey. If not, he'll have to face consequences. Example: He had a time when he constantly ran off - one of his favorite places to run away from was a playground right in front of our house and he ALWAYS ran in the direction of stairs (about 20 steps, concrete). Me being angry and telling him off changed nothing, he laughed and ran. So I told him either he stays here, or we have to leave the playground. After leaving the playground twice, all he needed was a warning "If you run away, we'll go home!" as soon as he started bolting, and he'd come back, because he knew by then that I don't make empty threats and that there is nothing positive for him to gain from disobeying. Soon after, he didn't attempt to run off from the playground anymore.
This is not being the "obedient type", this is parenting.

"As a pp said, reins actually give them more of a sense of freedom, they don't have to be holding your hand and can be a bit more autonomous."

I don't quite understand it ... previously you said what most other posters here said: That you teach your child exactly the same thing as without a leash, you only have it as an additional saftey measure. But what you write here about more freedon contradicts this. And that's exactly the point that I was making.

@Marvinmarvinson "What is the difference between holding a hand and reins?!"

To be honest, I'm shocked that this is a serious question. I'll answer it anyway, even though it should be obvious: If you hold hands, it mutual - you hold each others hands, not one person holding the other on a leash. It's also physical contact which, at least in the western world, is seen as something positive between 2 people who love or at least like each other. Couples hold hands, friends do, family members.