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Original poster

Being a mum after losing mine

63 replies

Blossombelle1991 · 19/07/2019 22:33

Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel as I feel so alone in this. I am 28 years old and lost my mum not long after my baby was born. I do absolutely everything for my dc but I feel lost myself as I've put my all in to being a mum when at times I just need a cuddle from mine and just want to be a child again. Would be nice to hear I'm not alone in this. X

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InsertFunnyUsername · 19/07/2019 22:42

You aren't alone OP, I lost my Mum just before i fell pregnant and know exactly how you're feeling. Its tough Flowers

What brings me comfort weirdly, is the love i feel for my DD and knowing my mum felt that about me.

BluePheasant · 19/07/2019 22:47

My mum died a few years before I had DD. The sadness is still overwhelming sometimes when I think that she never got to be a Grandma and my DC will never know her. As a mum, I've never been able to chat with her about babies, ask advice, learn about how she did things when I was little. It's such a huge piece of the puzzle that's always going to be missing. And yes, sometimes you have times when you just need your own mum to look after you a little bit because you spend all your time looking after everyone else. It's really hard being a mum without a mum Flowers

Tigger001 · 19/07/2019 22:51

I lost my mum pretty suddenly last year when my son was just 6months old.
It is simply the hardest thing to cope with. I keep it together because I have to, but inside I just want to cry and cry.
I feel like the world has moved on and think I should too, but I just miss her so much and everything my DS does something funny, amazing or cheeky, it's bittersweet as my mum would just love it and she was cruelly taken.

Sorry I don't have much comfort to give as I'm still trying to find it myself, but I do give you a massive hug and best wishes.

Miljah · 19/07/2019 23:40

I am so sorry to hear of your losses. 💐

My mum died only 3 or 4 years ago, when my eldest was 15, but, despite our differences, I miss her.

Miljah · 19/07/2019 23:43

Actually, a 'thing' for me is having no one to share stuff with. Friends are great, but at the end of the day, no one cares like your mum would about a grand child's school triumph, for instance.

It's hard being 'the older generation' especially in your 20s.

Tigger001 · 20/07/2019 00:05

@Miljah I completely feel like that.
Who do I ring for a good gossip and tell things I would never in a million years tell anyone else.

And who else really cares that much, that my son has achieved all these little things, like his 1st swimming badge, nailing potty training, his funny habits of brushing his teeth at every given opportunity and really not liking clothes. And basically me harping on about great he is....no one else is really that interested, they will listen to be kind, but they are not invested in it and actually care.

Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 20/07/2019 10:52

Thanks for all your messages... Its so hard and exactly that feeling of wanting to tell her everything my little one is doing and sending her funny photos but just hurts she won't be able to see. During my pregnancy she was so excited she could not wait to be a nan so I have so much guilt that hardly got the chance only for the 1st 7 weeks of my DD life which people say you should be so happy for that but in my eyes it's like look what you could of had then it was ripped away from her. It's painful to go out seeing daughters with their nans pushing the babies around I feel like i see it everywhere :( it feels like everyone has a mum apart from me.

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Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 20/07/2019 10:53

Sorry I meant daughters and mum's walking round pushing the pram*

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Blossombelle1991 · 20/07/2019 11:43

Hiya I completely get where you are coming from as my mum died back in August and my daughter was born in the June again it was very sudden and unexpected. I hVe friends who had their babies around the same time as me and struggle hearing their mums are taking the baby out and love coming to see them etc. You don't realise when you have a baby how many mums talk about their mums. Any advice on how you cope because it's just so bloody hard hate the fact my mum can't see my daughter grow up or me be a mum myself she would absolutely love it as she was so excited when I was pregnant she jumped for joy when I told her I was having a baby :( massive hug to you to at this cruel time

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Wordie · 20/07/2019 19:38

You are definitely not alone. My mum died when I was 20, we were incredibly close. I’m 29 now and just had my first baby.

The hardest part for me is feeling like no one understands me. Now I’ve had my baby, it feels like a small part of me is healing.

Tigger001 · 20/07/2019 19:45

@Blossombelle1991 it's just heart wrenching isn't it, I know what a bloody tough you are having.

My mum could not be happier when she was going to be a nana. It's hard to know they can't see us, being good mums and watch our babies grow. I really envy the people that believe they can still see us or are still with us, I wish i had that belief, sadly I don't.

There are so many milestones where you just want to grab for the phone, to beam with pride or ask for advice but then you realise, she's not there to ring and it hurts, like a real physical hurt.

I massively regret not getting him christened in the first 5months before my mum went into hospital, as she will never see it, and I keep putting it off as its another event that highlights she's not here. (The royals would have had nothing on my mum for arranging his baptism 😂😂)

Littleelffriend · 20/07/2019 19:45

My mum died the year I got pregnant. She died in April and I got pregnant in the September . I find it incredibly hard, I’m jealous of everyone that has their mum .

Tigger001 · 20/07/2019 19:49

I was also incredibly angry seeing all these nans at duckling, playgroup or the park, and I'm ashamed to admit I was thinking why are you here and she's not, she would have been a better nan than you.

That is just not like me to think such things, Obviously that wasn't true they were perfect nans also but I was just so angry, bitter and felt lost.

BrioLover · 20/07/2019 20:03

Yep. Part of one of the shittest clubs there is too.

My mum died when I was 6 months pregnant with DS1. My dad is a wonderful grandfather but I miss her every single day. When she found out her cancer was terminal, when I was 5.5 months pregnant, she said "that can't be. I'm going to be a grandmother". Typing that hurts almost as much as hearing it 6.5 years ago. She'd have been a fantastic grandmother to both my DSs (I've had another one since) and the missing advice is like a black hole as my dad doesn't remember much and my MIL isn't that present.

Thanks and 🍷 for all. My mum would have prescribed the wine for sure!

mydailymailshame · 20/07/2019 20:05

I lost my mum at 28 OP. When I was 33 I had my first child and mourned her afresh all over again.

What I can say now is that you will find yourself inadvertently doing and saying things she did, and it will make you feel warm inside. I call my daughter the same nickname that she called me, completely without realising it.

melissasummerfield · 20/07/2019 20:10

My Mum died almost a year ago and i have 3 under 5 who she absolutely adored, my youngest was not one when she died. It makes me so angry that she is missing everything, life is so unfair sometimes. She was also the person who advised me on everything to do with the dc, i desperately miss having someone to reassure me or advise me Sad

Its is absolutely crap op Flowers

clucky3 · 20/07/2019 20:15

I have been in the same position OP and think I mourned her all over again, despite her dying a long time before my babies were born.

It used to hit me multiple times per day when they were little, and I'll be so devastated that they would never know each other, but it's not so bad now. One thing I do love is hearing the things she used to say come out of my children's mouths. It makes me realise that I have passed part of her on, even though they never met.

Brittany2019 · 20/07/2019 20:18

My mum died just over two months ago and it’s so hard. My little girl is 3, and I’m so sad that my Mum can’t share her growing up with me. She loved her so so much and was always interested in the tiniest detail about her life.
The only thing I can do is try my best to be the mum my mum would have wanted me to be, and to give my girl double the love. I don’t always succeed, but that’s my bar to aim for.

Brittany2019 · 20/07/2019 20:21

Meant to add...I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. I’m 44, so obviously had a lot longer with my mum than you did. I’m really sorry you lost her so soon. x

choccybuttonshelpeverything · 20/07/2019 20:29

Sorry for your loss.
I was sleeping on a hospital floor by my mums side when I found out I was pregnant. She died a week later. Having the pregnancy helping me cope. I still grieve everyday that she never met her grandchild. And I never knew how much love she had for me until I had my own DD.
She died knowing I was finally pregnant. That's a small comfort. X

citybumpkin · 20/07/2019 20:52

Only today I was thinking I wonder what I was like as a baby as I looked at my 4 month old little girl. I can't ask my mum as she passed away 18 months ago. I can't ask my dad as he passed away right before I found out I was pregnant. Life with a newborn/baby is hard enough but pile grief on top of that... I find the early hours of the morning difficult. When the rest of the world is quiet, baby asleep and my mind drifts to the wishing my daughter could meet her grandparents.

ThanksOP. You are not alone.

Lawnmowingsucks · 20/07/2019 21:27

Sending you all so much love ThanksThanks

Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 20/07/2019 22:10

Tigger001.... I get everything you are saying no one wants to know the silly things they do like our mums would. It's a bloody struggle I always relied on my mum for a lot and was quite a fragile person but I do feel now I've gone from being a lost little girl to a strong woman as I've had to and I have my daughter to look after do you feel the same? I feel being a mum has given me such strength as I can't just think of myself anymore. It helps me to believe their is something after otherwise the thought I will never ever see her again just petrifies me. Sending so much love.

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Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 20/07/2019 22:16

All of your messages are very overwhelming and I can see i am not alone. I feel being a mum and losing your mum has to be one of the hardest things ever at times I literally pine for her then I have to go do something for my daughter and get on with it but atkeast she gives me a purpose and keeps me going. I take her out near on every day which helps me but I'm always thinking oh my mum would love to be here with us both 😢

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moonlight1705 · 20/07/2019 22:57

My mum died when I was 38 weeks pregnant which was awful. I did get the best care from the midwives but nothing will ever replace having my mum there for me. She was so excited to be a grandmother for the first time so DH and I have called our DD after my mum.

I'm not sure how I'm coping, at first the whirlwind of DD helped but now, 5 months later, I'm starting to think about her more and more.

Not sure how it's going to pan out in the future but I'm going to keep her memory alive for DD.