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Original poster

Being a mum after losing mine

63 replies

Blossombelle1991 · 19/07/2019 22:33

Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel as I feel so alone in this. I am 28 years old and lost my mum not long after my baby was born. I do absolutely everything for my dc but I feel lost myself as I've put my all in to being a mum when at times I just need a cuddle from mine and just want to be a child again. Would be nice to hear I'm not alone in this. X

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/07/2019 23:20

My mum died about six weeks before I fell pregnant with dd1. We’d been desperately trying for months so that I could tell her she was going to be a grandma. I think it was my body dealing with the stress of my mum dying that prevented me from getting pregnant sooner. She always wanted to be a grandma, her mum - my grandma - was awesome.

My lovely mother in law died when dd1 was six and dd2 was three. That was bloody hard because the girls adored their nanny and she them. After Fil went that left my girls with no grandparents at all. I feel gutted for them that they’re missing out on all that. Like a pp said, I feel jealous whenever I see grandparents at school or out with their grandchildren. I miss my parents but I feel it even more for my children. We have great aunts and uncles that we might see a couple of times a year but nothing replaces being able to tell the grandparents about what the children have been up to and all that extra love and attention that they’re missing.

Bourbonbiccy · 20/07/2019 23:35

It is literally the hardest thing I have every experienced. My amazingly funny and supportive mum and best friend was just that happiest ever at finally getting her 1st grandchild. And it to be cut short and her only have a few months with him.

Her very last words were " give my grandson a kiss from me, I should have had another 30 years with him" (a bit outing if anyone knows me)

It's especially bad for me at the moment as its coming up to my sons 2nd birthday and a big hole where she should be helping plan everything and being the doting grandparent.

She would have been amazing and while he knows who she is on photies, it's so painful to think he will actually never experience how funny she was, how much love she could give, how fiercely protective and proud she was, yes I will tell him, but it's not the same as him actually experiencing it.

I do think though, in a way, I'm so lucky I had him when I lost her, as I don't think I ever would have got out of bed again.

I also think it has made me a lot stronger and independent as I don't have her here, I have to trust myself and my judgement a lot more, as I can't double check everything with someone but I would simply give almost everything or anything to have her back.

Here's for everyone on here, going through a horrendous time. 💐💐💐💐 we are all strong just carrying on !!!

NannyPear · 20/07/2019 23:48

My mum died in 2013, 3 years before DC1 was born. I have felt everything you all are feeling too. She was my best friend and would have been the BEST gran. That gran that you absolutely adore staying with. Who spoils you, plays with with you, loves you more than words can say.

When she discovered she had brain cancer and was given a grave prognosis, she said she just wanted to stay alive long enough to see her grandchildren.

It's been over 6 years but I'm still so angry she's not here. I'm upset she didn't get to see my DC, and that they've been cheated of the pleasure of knowing her. And of course for myself, that I dont have that (or any) support like I would have had if she was here. I miss her so so much.

mightymouses · 21/07/2019 15:45

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melissasummerfield · 21/07/2019 16:33

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mightymouses · 21/07/2019 16:41

@melissasummerfield no need for offensive language just because someone has a different opinion to you

Bourbonbiccy · 21/07/2019 16:42

@mightymouses oh yes I do think myself very lucky to have had such a lovely mum who brought me up correctly and taught me manners and empathy. That is what makes it so hard to not have them around now but thanks for the input, it's been very......well............eye opening !!!

Bourbonbiccy · 21/07/2019 16:49

@mightymouses and for the record, no one was really asking for opinions, it was a thread for people in the same/similar situation to talk about their loss,pain and feelings.

melissasummerfield · 21/07/2019 16:49

@mightymouses

Don’t click on a thread to tell 15 grieving people that we are lucky, its completely irrelevant and quite frankly pathetic.

Your comment has added nothing to the thread, but hey if it made you feel better maybe you should go and hang around a crematorium or church to tell people that to their faces.. no? Didn't think so.

Ive reported your post so hopefully it gets taken down before you offend anyone else on this thread.

Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 21/07/2019 18:01

@mightymouses
This thread is completely irrelevant to you as I'm asking for people in similar situations and seeing how they have coped. I have come across a few people with little empathy and you seem very similar. You have no idea what any of us have been through and how traumatising it really is and it's people like that who just seem to add extra hurt for someone who is grieving

OP posts:
Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 21/07/2019 18:21

Thank you for everyone's messages. It does hurt that my partners mum gets to be nanny and my doesn't especially knowing how much my mum looked after me during pregnancy (as I was quite unwell) the birth and after birth also an amazing baby shower whereas I didn't get much support from his mum but she gets to reap all the benefits from being a nan and my daughter will never know who my mum was. As horrible as it sounds just feel a bit resentful :( x

OP posts:
mightymouses · 21/07/2019 20:29

@Blossombelle1991 I am a mum after also losing mine. Hence why I clicked on the thread.

All I am saying is focussing on your grief or comparing yourself to those that still have their mum will not help, and it will likely make you feel worse. Being thankful for the time you had with your lovely mum is so important, and at hard times like this thinking about those less fortunate than you can be helpful.

Tigger001 · 21/07/2019 20:36

@Blossombelle1991 I completely get this also, I have really, really nice in laws. I take my DS to see them once a week, but I just feel like my mum would have been so much more involved and interested. I didn't visit last week but they never check in to see how we are, neither does my sister in law, but they do make a fuss when he's there, I don't know, it's just I think why don't you get more involved. But I think that maybe that's me holding them to to a high of a standard .... My mums standard.

Tigger001 · 21/07/2019 20:42

@mightymouses the problem is we are not focussing on our grief, our grief is consuming us.

It is not a choice to feel this way, I think we can take from this that you just don't understand the way we feel, you cant just "shake it off", it's bloody hard.

No one is saying we don't appreciate what we had, we do, but that does not take away the pain and hurt from loosing that love, support and friendship.

user1498572889 · 21/07/2019 20:50

I lost my mum when I was a teenager. It was so hard when I had kids . I am lucky I have a great sister to share things with and my mother in law was great. I am a nanny now and I adore every moment spent with my grandkids. I think I spend as much time as possible with them because I feel we all missed out on so much not having my mum around. I still feel her loss greatly even after nearly 40 years.

user1498572889 · 21/07/2019 20:57

@Blossombelle1991
Your post brought tears to my eyes as I remember feeling exactly the same way as you when I had my first child. You will feel better. You don’t get over it you just get used to it.

CurlsandCurves · 21/07/2019 21:00

I clicked on this thread as my mum lost her mum at a very young age. She never knew her mum. And I’m unsure of her relationship with her stepmother as she died before I was born.

But she is herself an amazing mum, the best I could ever wish for. She’s my best friend. She’s the best grandparent too, and she’s had to learn all this because she never had it herself.

I think what I’m trying to say is in spite of the hurt and the loss, you will be a fantastic mum, because you’ve learned from the best.

Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 21/07/2019 21:22

These posts are so lovely to hear and I'm determined to be a great mum to my daughter as I don't want her to suffer from this I can't believe the strength I have at times as before all this anyone would think I would crumble as I was like a little girl lost and quite fragile to be honest. I would love to have more children it's my dream but am so scared to go through the process without my mum there and a very active toddler who would I even tell in excitement the next time as my mum jumped for joy when she found out with my daughter. :( x

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Original poster
Blossombelle1991 · 21/07/2019 21:25

@mightymouses I get it I may have read it wrong but can tell you I definitely don't feel lucky to lose her at this time is the hardest moment of my life where every day is tough but I have to pull through. Talking to people and finding I'm not the only one helps me and everyone has different coping methods

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 21/07/2019 21:25

@mightymouses In the nicest possible way, you have spectacularly missed the point and are being completely insensitive. Please grow some tact and diplomacy and sod off.

broken1982 · 21/07/2019 21:28

Your not alone and glad I'm not either. I lost my beloved beautiful mother when I was 34 weeks pregnant just 8 weeks ago. My heart aches every day. Its my birthday today and that's been hard too. The thought that she never got to meet my beautiful baby is heartwrenching. Chin up is all we can do sadly. You'll be okay. Sending lots of love to you and everyone else in our boat x

broken1982 · 21/07/2019 21:30

I forgot to say I'm also 28 and my mam passed very unexpectedly at just 50 years old 😭

ComeOnGordon · 21/07/2019 21:31

There’s a good book called motherless Mothers that i find useful to read from time to time.

Griefishorrible · 21/07/2019 21:34

Hi OP,

I also lost my Mum a couple of weeks after my baby was born. Many people have said to me at least she got to meet him but for some reason it seems to make it worse.

I was so close to my Mum, I valued her opinion and she was always there for me. I really struggle without her.

I also have very rubbish in-laws and am resentful that they haven’t bothered to visit or call or be involved in any shape or form. Especially when I know how hands on and excited my Mum would have been.

The other thing I find hard is helping my Dad with his grief and everyone in our small family looking to me to organise / do everything, and having my Birthday’s forgotten (although it has got better). Dads (although great) just aren't the same as Mums.

I think it still hurts so much because she was so amazing and I have so many wonderful memories.

broken1982 · 21/07/2019 21:34

OP I fully understand your feelings of jealousy towards your MIL. My MIL is pretty useless and really quite self-centered whereas my mother was my best friend and the best grandmother on the planet. She would do anything for us yet my MIL is all for herself but here she is not really giving a fuck about my children. It could have been me writing everything you have

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