I think my 6 yo just isn't a nice person.

[mummyrocks1]

I hate that I feel like this about my 6 yo, I know he's only 6 but I just dislike him so frequently. I find myself not wanting to be with him and sometimes put him in childcare in the school holidays so I don't have to be with him for more than a few days. It's a relief when I drop him at school and I get dh to do dressing him and bedtimes because I can't face being with him.

I just don't think he's a nice child and I sometimes think he's got real problems in his head. I try so hard to understand him, he's complex, just when I think I am getting somewhere and our relationship is getting better I go through a difficult period with him and I end up feeling like this again.

Reasons I just don't think he's a nice child;
He laughs when others are hurt or if he's hurt them. He has 0 empathy.
He's really me, me, me, would cheat or push someone out the way without a thought it if meant he got what he wanted.
He's really ungrateful, never says thank you unless prompted, moans if something isn't what he wanted.
Constantly purposely hides/takes thing from dd that he knows she loves to upset her.
Never takes responsibility for his actions. It's always someone else's fault, I am doing the consequences to him rather than he's earnt them himself with bad behaviour.
Never appreciates anything we do for him, holidays, new toys, trips out, cooking favourite foods.
Argues with absolutely everything dh and I say, he would Argue the sky is blue.
An incident happened at school today, something ongoing with another child, I was calm and spoke to him about it. He lied repeatedly to my face about what happened and only admitted it when the other child said what happened.
Enjoys fighting, kicking and hitting during play fighting.

Dh and have tried everything,consequences, rewards, taking favourite things away, missing trips/days out, praising his sister, praising him, parenting books, parenting courses, shouting, trying to understand/reason with him. Nothing works. I feel I ve reached a dead end with him now.

He also loves winding people up, particularly me. Saying hurtful things, carrying on singing mean songs, doing something he's been asked to do because he knows it will upset me. He smiles when he upsets the person and feels absolutely no remorse. I worry he's showing sociopathic traits and what adult he will become.

Hello op sorry your going through a hard time does your son have a good relationship with anyone? Have you reached out to the school or Gp regarding his behaviour? Has he always been like this?

Op a lot of what your describing is standard naughty behaviour for a six year old. Six year olds aren't really known for their empathy and gratitude and it's not unknown for them to enjoy winding up a sibling. I'm concerned about some of the feelings you have towards your son. Does your husband feel the same way about him? What about school? Have they spoken to you about serious concerns over his behaviour?

What twattymctwatterson said. Hang in there and as he grows, you will probably see changes. Don't give up yet because what he needs is for you to still be there.

Best advice I was ever given: 'Be kinder than you feel.' I hope this helps, because it is tough.

You need to speak to the SENCO and rule out ADHD or ASD

I'm sorry you're in this situation but please don't give up on your son. The behaviours you've described do sound very similar to psychopathy/APD, but he could not be diagnosed with that until adulthood.

Does anyone in the family show symptoms of APD or have a diagnosis? It's highly genetic. Perhaps relatives could offer advice?

The latest research suggests that people with psychopathy/APD are able to turn their empathy on and off at will, so I would try more activities that not only encourage empathy but also provide extrinsic motivation for it, as it may not come naturally to him.

Also do not assume that psychopathy = serial killer. Many (perhaps most) top politicians, CEOs and other high achieving individuals meet for the criteria for "psychopaths", so your son could have a very successful life ahead of him, with your guidance and support.

6 is a bloody hellish age - I have one just turned 6 and becoming a pain in the arse with it, and one just turned 7 who is starting to come out of the other side of it and the lovely kid inside it all is beginning to appear again. DD1 was like a checklist of what you're describing until a few months ago - she still has her pain in the arse moments - but there's a lovely kind, helpful kid in there beginning to emerge... unfortunately there's also a teenager-in-the-making beginning to emerge as well.

I think they become vaguely human again around age 21 or so.

What is APD?

What is APD?

Unfortunately I think he might be similar to what I was like when I was a child. This makes me even more worried as I struggled a lot in my younger years with my dad and relationships and don't want the same with him.

I Get lots of 6 yo can be like this but I ve had a lot of experience with the average 6 yo and I don't think he's normal. These behaviours go beyond normal naughty behaviour I think. He's so complicated now, dh and I don't understand him, I worry about him as an adult.

He has a close relationship with dh and I think he feels dh understands him more and he opens up to him more than me. I guess its because dh is more of a joker and I am the one who carries out the day to day discipline. Dh sees much more of the nicer side of him as he isn't asking him to do things he doesn't want to do. But even dh finds him irritating and looses it with him.

No one else sees this behaviour really, they all say they don't know what we re talking about. He switches it on and off. He's ok at school but gets involves in situations with certain children and can't help himself.

APD: www.nhs.uk/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/

It's basically the term we use for psychopathy in the UK

My DD at 6 did a lot of these things. At 11 empathy still does not come at all naturally.
She is recently diagnosed with ADHD.

Have a look at theory of mind, do the 'sally's marble' test with him (can google this). It may be that he simply doesn't understand that others have different thoughts and feelings to him yet?

Unfortunately I think he might be similar to what I was like when I was a child

The thing is a lot of this you will normalize because you recognise it in yourself and these types of diagnose weren’t freely available many years ago - so to think he has X Y or Z is to accept you may be the same.

It’s worth looking into because then he may get a separate behaviour policy or be given interventions that may help - he will also be protected via the disability act.

Look up those things suggested

I think in order to empathise or be kind you have to like yourself first. It’s a parental responsibility to give their children unconditional love and kindness. It doesn’t feel like this little lad has much experience of affection and being adored.
Maybe try building on positives. Hugs, cuddles and exploring how that feels to him. Smother him in niceness. Find the good. Teach him to love himself by show him you love him and always will.

Horrid to try and label a little boy as a psychopath.

@CherryPavlova How horrid to imply OP has never shown her child affection!

Lack of empathy is not the same thing as lack of self-esteem, & I would think showing unconditional love to a developing psychopath would make things far worse! Psychopaths have biologically different brains, they can't be cured with kindness!

Cherry
Where the hell is the evidence that “this little lad” hasn’t had much experience of affection? There is nothing in the OP to suggest that.
OP, I understand why you are worried, hopefully as he matures, he will develop empathy, but given your concerns, I’d seek out an assessment, so you can be sure you are not missing anything, and to see if specialists have any strategies you can try.

He's 6. The reason they don't diagnose antisocial personality disorder until adulthood is because so many of those traits can be entirely normal during childhood, when empathy is underdeveloped in many children. He might be on the less kind of average, but it doesn't sound like he is actively hurting your dd, small animals or anything that would scream major issues.

I'd also be a bit concerned about you saying Unfortunately I think he might be similar to what I was like when I was a child. How do you see yourself? Often we are hardest on the child who shows what we see as our weaknesses, it may be that some family therapy could help too.

My ds2 is around the same age not always the 'nicest' to be around, he's also in the process of getting an asd diagnosis. The biggest help for us has been dealing better with his anxiety - turns out he was in almost permanent 'fight or flight' mode, which made him low grade irritable and aggressive a lot. Life isn't all roses now, but better strategies have helped him to increase the percentage of sunny spells between the rain clouds. Not saying your dad has the same issues, but some of these behaviours are normal and some might be maladaptive coping strategies or ways he's found useful in getting attention.

In any case, I'd log down over a week or so what kind of things are happening, timings/context (without making it obvious to him). Make time to speak with his teacher and see if they share any of your concerns. Maybe you'll see a pattern, whether you do or not, you can take it to your gp.

You need some outside help here, either to deal with problems he has personally, or problems that you are having as a family.

Meant ds not dad!

Indeed but Well at six he most definitely is a very little lad. The way he is described is horrid. The idea that he needs some sort of label isn’t particularly nice either.

Empathy develops from self awareness. As five- and six-year-olds become more aware of their own emotions, they begin to recognize them in others, and their emotional vocabulary expands. With this increased language facility, the doors open to in-depth discussions about emotions that are the main avenue for developing empathy skills.

Empathy comes from self awareness and is very much linked to self esteem - the two are irrevocably linked. Showing love is rarely (if ever) the cause of childhood maladaptive behaviours.

Interesting comments, I will look into all suggestions.

I see myself now very differently to when I was younger or even within the last 10 years. I had very little self esteem when I was growing up, I struggled to understand others and how relationships work, what the expectations of these were. I am completely different now, although I do still struggle with friendships and lack close friends in my life. I worry he will go the same way. I see a lot of my younger self in him.

He has a lot of affection, we are an affectionate family. He does say he feels I don't love him or understand him sometimes. He told dh tonight that I want to give him away. I reassure him he is loved and I am affectionate but I guess it might ring true with self esteem in that sense. It's difficult to say though- as he says what he knows will upset me, says things for effect, plus as the incident at school today shows he can lie and lie. It's got to the point where you don't know what to believe.

He's a bright boy but very emotionally immature and very negative. On the surface he's very confident and self assured, competitive and knows he's bright. He's taken on the role of class joker at school and has become super silly. At the same time he's very sensitive. He has a very good understanding of things and is articulate, you can have a very grown up conversation with him, he can explain how he's feeling in complex detail. Again it's hard to measure how confident he is as he turns it on and off.

This is really sad to read. I understand children of all ages can be awful and make you want to pull your hair out. But he is a child. He needs your emotional support even when he is being intolerable. It must have been really hard for you to write this post OP and clearly you care about him otherwise you wouldn’t be looking for advice.

I agree with pps about getting him checked out with specialists but I also have to say that children pick up so much through words, body language, actions, expressions and he will know that you dislike him. Imagine being six (still so tiny) and knowing your parent doesn’t like you. How do you respond or cope with that?

I think you need to come up with some strategies to help yourself deal with his difficult moments. I don’t know what these are but it sounds like you have a supportive husband so maybe when you feel really stressed, instead of making that known to your son have an agreement with your husband that he takes over for that moment while you walk away to another room to catch a breath.

Much of his described behaviour reminds me of my children, my nieces/nephews, school friends at 6 and it really is unpleasant but I feel they are still learning about the world and learning how to behave and conduct themselves and where they fit in that world.

I hope you manage to come to a point soon where you can re-love him as that may in itself be the cause of his behaviour.

I woke- I do love him, of course I do. He has many kisses and hugs and I tell him I love him. Dh does too. There's no question I love him but I also find him very hard to be with at times and we do rub each other up the wrong way. I frequently think he's not a very nice child.

Yes, dh and my own behaviour definitely hasn't been the best at times with dealing with him. I know all research says they mirror back your own behaviour. I talk to dh about changing our own behaviour in front of dcs all the time when he is acting up. Dh gets angry very quickly. We agree a strategy but when it comes to it dh just goes straight back to shouting or allowing his rudeness or making threats he's clearly not going to keep. We already have it in place that we leave the room when we get to the point of needing a break from him. We do this frequently.

Both dh and I are probably argumentative and answer back and at times don't speak very nicely to each other in the past. Ds has witnessed this so I think he is copying this. I am trying hard to stop this in front of ds.

He's just so argumentative and has an answer for everything with a sly smile. If I picked him up on everything he did all day he would have a string of consequences and this is what has happened in the past. I think he's become immune. I need to readdress what battles I will pick and what I will leave.

In the past he probably didn't get my emotional support as I took the very strict, no nonsense approach. Between 2-4 were very hard years as I had dd and was going through building work and juggling a job. I really blame myself for this and feel I wasn't there emotionally for him between these most important ages. I just thought he was being naughty rather than looking at reasons for his behaviour. I am trying to rectify this now and when he flips out he gets a cuddle to calm down and empathy and we discuss his feelings but I fear the damage has been done. I carry a lot of guilt for that period, but at the same time Ds was a very hard from 2-4 and dd was a tricky baby, I was just trying to get through the days.

I think the problem lies more than just with your ds. Maybe look into attachment-based therapy or some family work as there seems to be several issues, some with the dynamics between you all.