I think my 6 yo just isn't a nice person.

[mummyrocks1]

I hate that I feel like this about my 6 yo, I know he's only 6 but I just dislike him so frequently. I find myself not wanting to be with him and sometimes put him in childcare in the school holidays so I don't have to be with him for more than a few days. It's a relief when I drop him at school and I get dh to do dressing him and bedtimes because I can't face being with him.

I just don't think he's a nice child and I sometimes think he's got real problems in his head. I try so hard to understand him, he's complex, just when I think I am getting somewhere and our relationship is getting better I go through a difficult period with him and I end up feeling like this again.

Reasons I just don't think he's a nice child;
He laughs when others are hurt or if he's hurt them. He has 0 empathy.
He's really me, me, me, would cheat or push someone out the way without a thought it if meant he got what he wanted.
He's really ungrateful, never says thank you unless prompted, moans if something isn't what he wanted.
Constantly purposely hides/takes thing from dd that he knows she loves to upset her.
Never takes responsibility for his actions. It's always someone else's fault, I am doing the consequences to him rather than he's earnt them himself with bad behaviour.
Never appreciates anything we do for him, holidays, new toys, trips out, cooking favourite foods.
Argues with absolutely everything dh and I say, he would Argue the sky is blue.
An incident happened at school today, something ongoing with another child, I was calm and spoke to him about it. He lied repeatedly to my face about what happened and only admitted it when the other child said what happened.
Enjoys fighting, kicking and hitting during play fighting.

Dh and have tried everything,consequences, rewards, taking favourite things away, missing trips/days out, praising his sister, praising him, parenting books, parenting courses, shouting, trying to understand/reason with him. Nothing works. I feel I ve reached a dead end with him now.

I agree with other posters that family therapy or play therapy would be a great idea.

At six he will pick up on the fact that you avoid putting him to bed and helping him to get ready in the mornings. Even if you hug him and tell him that you love him- if you show a clear preference for his sister, are strict with him and avoid him then he will know that you don't like him. Could you try imagining that he's your only child and spend as much time with him as possible. You could ask him if he'd like to do an activity (e.g. painting, football) together and if he shows attention-seeking mean behaviour at the time then sit him down and explain how that makes you feel?

It is possible that he actually feels very sad about feeling that you don't like him very much and that his displays of lack of empathy are actually just an attempt at protecting himself from his feelings and gaining attention at the same time.

I’m not saying her DS’s behaviour is caused by the OP, I’m saying that the way she views his behaviour and the way she views him are making it harder for her to parent him. All children can be little arseholes and some can maintain that streak for a few years.

When a child is perceived as a problem, incidents that wouldn’t be seen as a major with another child become another confirmation that they are ‘bad’. After a while, being treated as a problem starts to impact the child.

I love- it's difficult with dh as he is naturally sillier than me, I guess I am quite a serious person. I speak to him about how to deal with Ds behaviour, he agrees but when it comes to it he doesn't follow through any falls back into old ways. He lets ds get away with rudeness and calls me to deal with tricky situations as he needs to walk away as Ds is winding him up or he ends up shouting.

Being silly with Ds is very difficult as this is some of his most irritating behaviour. He's taken on the role as the joker at school and at home and says it fun and he enjoys being silly. This is how dh and him have bonded I think, however, he goes too far with it and can't turn it off at the appropriate time and it turns into fighting or hurting dd or irritating dh and I.

I guess you're right I need to accept he is picking up on my feelings. I want to turn it around so he doesn't think I don't like him and I don't feel this way about him but I am lost for ideas now. I ve exhausted ideas. I don't know how to do this. You're right, the words I am saying to him don't work. I am a patient person, but he pushes my patience to the limit everyday. I go from loving him overwhelmingly and having lovely cuddles and a good connection with him to just not wanting to be with him.

Breathless- yes you're exactly right. Dd can be tricky sometimes but I deem her behaviour as very normal for a 4 yo. I admit I do deal with her behaviour differently and see her differently. Despite these times she's a lot easier than Ds and is very loveable and likes to please and conforms.

How do I get out of this cycle?

Gosh, OP - I think you might be me I feel very similar about DS1, who's nearly 8. He is pretty clever and I think he knows I struggle to like him. I do make an effort during the times when he's being fairly good to just chat to/at him about little things, in an attempt to balance the spreadsheet a bit (i.e. to make sure he can remember times when we were together and it was positive).

Sympathy, it's hard

My five year old is very similar! But I'm pretty sure he's got middle child syndrome. His little sister came along and his world changed. He seems to enjoy upsetting people, but he's just a little boy trying to express himself and get attention. We are working on absolutely ignoring the negative behaviour and praising anything remotely good. Dh struggles with this but we are getting there. I have spoken to his teacher and he's angel in school so I know he can do it! I think your ds is probably just pushing boundaries and testing you out. They are so young.

I can't believe people are diagnosing this child with Antisocial Personality Disorder! He does sound like hard work, but lots of 6 year olds are basically little bastards (sorry), and I think it's a bit early to suggest it's more than that.

I also don't assume that a difficult child is necessarily reacting to someone's negative feelings towards them - some children are just not that likeable, or have a personality incompatible with a parent's.

I agree family counselling might be useful, to help set out some strategies for managing him in a positive way, and hopefully having more fun as a family.

He lets ds get away with rudeness and calls me to deal with tricky situations as he needs to walk away as Ds is winding him up or he ends up shouting.

He’s his parent too- he doesn’t get to opt out of the difficult stuff. Does he think you like doing it? He needs to step up. It’s isnt fair to always call you in when it gets tough. Parenting is tough. That’s what he signed up for.

he goes too far with it and can't turn it off at the appropriate time and it turns into fighting or hurting dd or irritating dh and I.

So this is where it falls to you and DH to model to him when to call quits and how he can stop his behaviour going too far. You vocalise your thoughts. So when youre playing tickling or whatever and you feel it’s getting to that point you say “I think I’m going to stop playing now because I think one of us might get hurt/upset”. You don’t put any blame on him, you just let him see that there is a boundary and this is how you stop before you get to it. You’re giving him the tools to stop himself. He won’t get it straight away, it will take consistency from both you and DH.

BTw I absolutely understand your feelings. I’ve been there. It’s very hard. There was a point where I only wanted to be around my son when he was sleeping. (Like an Angel! ) It was the only time I didn’t feel harassed by him. I would sit and watch him sleep and remind myself that he was just a baby in terms of the life ahead of him and that it was my job to help him become a happy, pleasant member of society. 6 was a really nightmare age for him too. Started when he was about 4. He’s 10 now and really is a lovely boy. He just needed the help to learn how to engage appropriately.

Btw play therapy was a great help for DS.

I can't believe people are diagnosing this child with Antisocial Personality Disorder!

Oh please, this is MN. Posters trip over themselves to be the first to call child-psychopath. If he'd only squished a spider, you'd have the same tropes laid out - it's like a hobby, second only to narcissist spotting.

I think talking to someone might help you - about your childhood and how you’re feeling now. If you don’t find a counsellor or don’t want to go down that route then something like the the book I linked might help. It looks at how we interact with and react to our DC and our own childhood. I’m sure there are lots of other books out there.

It’s difficult when you see the things you feel are shortcomings in yourself in your child. You can see in them what you dislike in yourself and you feel guilty that you might be the reason they’re like that. It should mean that you are the best person to help them as you know what it’s like but I think sometimes self loathing can get misdirected outwards.

He’s so young and you’re obviously very aware that there are issues and you want things to change. There’s no reason you can’t change things for the better and end up having a good relationship with your DS.

It sounds like you’re in a vicious cycle. What strikes me in particular is you have no successful approach to discipline/making it clear that some behaviour is wrong - his lack of reaction to telling off and his extreme reaction to time out. I highly recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It’s an excellent that helps you as parents identify why you’re seeing certain behaviours, how to manage things but also to recognise triggers and when your child is escalating how to handle it. It’s great because it’s written regardless of whether your child has SEN/any diagnosis. In your circumstances, I think it would be worth looking at.

I could have written this, I think you’re getting some extremely harsh responses - it’s a horrible feeling not liking your own child. My son is also 6 and is very similar to yours by the sounds of it - his teachers have both said that he’s extremely intelligent but struggles socially and emotionally, and that he would probably be diagnosed with autism and adhd should I want to have him assessed.

I can’t massively help, but what I have found that helps a bit is to find something to do that we both like. We go to the arcade sometimes, cook together (something he wants to make), we colour or draw, play games, or read, usually something non-fiction that I don’t know about either, so we can talk about it. We both like going to the library, I always get books out too and we talk about what we’ve got.

What I won’t do is stuff I don’t want to - he likes doing Lego, I don’t, so I won’t do it. I think it’s good for him to know that when we do do things together it’s because I actually want to, it’s not a chore.

Try and find an activity you can both get something out of, if you’re enjoying what you’re doing you’ll be more likely to enjoy his company.

And ignore any posts saying you neglected him - parenting can be bloody hard, and no one does it perfectly. the fact you’re on here shows you love him and want to do it better x

Thanks for the nice responses. I am not even going to reply to the neglecting comment. I meant I wasn't there emotionally enough for him from 2-4 years and I didn't help him enough with dealing with his emotions. I was too strict without thinking why he was behaving as he was. I see that now and feel so guilty about it as I think it's one of the main reasons he is as he is. I wouldn't do without dd but I had her too soon after ds. If I d known he was going to need so much extra emotional support I wouldn't have had them as close together but I was pregnant by the time this became apparent. Ds was a absolute angel baby.

Thanks Kung- yes I do try and have 1-1 time with him. I think he needs it, I can do a few days with him before I need a break.

Yes, much of it is attention seeking, and I fall for it. We just ignore it more. I just get irritated by him so easily, within 2 minutes of picking him up from school today I could feel myself getting annoyed.

Unfortunately I think he might be similar to what I was like when I was a child

Could you use this as a strength rather than a weakness? You clearly feel you have grown and changed since, what has helped you to do that? As a pp said, isn't this rather a positive sign?
Also think about what might have helped you when you were little?

I had very little self esteem when I was growing up, I struggled to understand others and how relationships work, what the expectations of these were.

Could this be the clue to his behaviour too? How can you help him build his self esteem? How can you help to teach him how interaction with other people works? Teaching usually works best in a neutral situation when the child is not already in trouble. Modelling problem solving and attentiveness to other people is clearly a good way: here your dh and you could do really good work. Also, social stories- talking to him about situations that don't actually involve him but where he can learn how to deal with common situations. Get him used to thinking about social situations and coming up with solutions.

Also agree that it is hard when the difficult traits are the ones you dislike in yourself. I have always found it easier to be patient with the annoying traits in dd- who was by anybody's standards a far more difficult and annoying child- than those of ds, who is like me. But knowing this about yourself (as you do, OP), is a good place to start dealing with it.