Raising confident girls

[IABUQueen]

Found out I’m pregnant with a girl.

I want her to be confident, not affected by superficiality and celebrating her individuality without comparing herself to others or her siblings.

My side of the family have kids who are your standard “beautiful”, DH side of the family are extremely attractive in my eyes but the girls constantly compete and obsessively comment on skin tone, waiste, nose, hair.... background, ethnicity... basically are very much internalising mysoginistic female standards and propagate it.

I’m ready for the fact my daughter might take after her dads family which as far as I’m concerned are very attractive... but I can really help but feel insecure on her behalf because of the way my in laws put so much emphasis on my sons “fair” skin and hair... and how they hope his sister is similar... I can’t help but feel worried she will be compared in an unhealthy way to her cousins from my side (my brother is expecting a girl at the same time and both parents are fair and coloured eyes) and that it will hurt her which would hurt me... I never gave second thoughts to these superficial things but I’m conscious now of all of this and I’m ashamed to say that I am because of the things my daughter will hear.

My SIL hates my DH, because her mum puts her down because of how she is a darker shade and their whole relationship is resentful... constantly looking for ways to outshine him.. he isn’t bothered as he is secure that his parents love him as he is the golden good looking one.

I haven’t gone through such comments as a child and I’m so worried of not knowing how to handle things so that my baby daughter grows up loving who she is and focused on things deeper than appearances whether she turns out with “acceptable” beauty to her grandparents or not.

So I came up with a list of what I need to do:

1- read her books about confident girls who are high achievers (can you recommend)
2- sign her up to as many sports so she can shine with her talents and potential.
3- make effort with my confident female friends so she is surrounded by healthy females, and perhaps ask them to recognise her and make her accepted for her talents
4- foster a healthy relationship between her and her brother where both their qualities are celebrated and both know they compliment each other and work as a team (advice?)

I’m an only daughter, don’t have a great relationship with mum as she wasn’t very supportive of my talents but I’m a high achiever and was inspired by my female teachers. But can do with some input with those of you who have successful experiences or have similar thoughts to me.

Thanks

Stop over thinking it.

Raise her to be fierce and believe she can be whatever she wants to be. Also to be kind.

Good luck. Girls are ace.

Maybe I’m overthinking it but I feel like I’ve seen first hand the attitude of those around me turn confident girls into insecure females. I don’t feel I know how to deal with it and protect my daughter

You do, because you have seen the damage it's done and you're determined not to repeat history.

Just relax. We have very little to do with how they actually come out in the end. Just tell her stories of fierce women and teach her that she can reach as high as she wants to. You'll support her to be whoever she wants to be. Get get to question and be curious.

Definitely relax! You'll give her a complex. I don't mean that in a mean way, but all you can do is show her that you are a kind, strong woman and she will take inspiration from you.

Books with strong girls:

Harry Potter
His Dark Materials trilogy
Matilda
The Hunger Games
The Book Thief
Pippi Longstocking

My side of the family have kids who are your standard “beautiful”

What the hell does that mean?

Argy please don’t take offence. I’m talking about standards of beauty outlined by my in laws, perhaps enforced by society... I don’t subscribe to it but it’s what my daughter will have to live with.

They will be very involved in her life and I’m just conscious in how I need to counteract their negative influence on this aspect. It drove a wedge between SIL and me.. MIL is very divisive and enjoys creating sibling rivalry and I can very much see her using appearance as a way to do that as she has done with me and her daughter... her sons...

I just want to be mentally ready.

I apologise if I come across as offensive. This really isn’t my intention.. these thoughts won’t be even crossing my mind if it wasn’t for the type of talk I’m surrounded with.

Neither me nor DH know how to deal with it and I was hoping this thread will give us insight into how to shelter our daughter and if not possible, how to help her not internalise these negative things around her.

Wow you are really overthinking it. You cannot control your relatives. But the most influence on your daughter will be you. As she reaches her teens it will be her peers. You just have to raise her so she understands superficial beauty is one thing but not the most important thing. But seriously relax, you do not have as much control over how your child will think as you seem to believe. They have an unerring ability to confound and contradict all your own beliefs and ideas.

You just have to raise her so she understands superficial beauty is one thing but not the most important thing.

But my question is how do I achieve that. I’m unsure. I never had to face that as a child. I was quite sheltered and grew up a bit isolated from this type of emphasis on appearance and toxic competitiveness. So it doesn’t come naturally to me.

You're massively overthinking this. She's not even here and you've got her life planned out so she can be "fierce" and confident. Just let her be herself. Let her be a child on her own terms. Even as babies they have their own personalities.

And fwiw, all the really confident powerful girls at my school were the biggest bunch of bitches imaginable and made my life, and the lives of other girls, an absolute misery. Id rather raise a child who was kind, caring and happy.

I presumed from your OP that this isn't your first? Haven't you already been raising your boys to think the same thing? It really is no different with girls!

And fwiw, all the really confident powerful girls at my school were the biggest bunch of bitches imaginable and made my life, and the lives of other girls, an absolute misery.

I feel misunderstood..

I did not say I want my daughter to be a certain person, to be powerful in a bitchy way!!

I want to protect my daughter from having her confidence knocked down by toxic comparisons and superficial comments.. she is free to be who she wants to be... I just don’t want that to be shaped by insecurities but rather by her meeting her potential.

I might’ve worded things wrong as I feel massively misunderstood

I presumed from your OP that this isn't your first? Haven't you already been raising your boys to think the same thing? It really is no different with girls!

I have a 1 yo son. He still has no personality.. but he certainly won’t be facing pressure from his relatives about his looks. They seem to be more focused on girls.

I feel I neee to have this discussion with DH to help him form healthy expectations of how he can protect her as a father. Since these silly standards are coming from his side of the family.

That’s why I’m thinking about it before child arrives. I feel I want to feel confident we would be the parents she deserves to have. That’s all

How can your DS have no personality? My DDs had very clear personalities almost from the day they were born. They are now both confident adults but they are confident in very different ways. I guess you won't know what your DD will be like until she gets here. Until then i wouldn't worry about it too much.

I have no idea why you're getting such a hard time. On the app and whilst I'm writing my reply I can't remember which topic you've posted in - if it's not feminist chat, maybe ask MNHQ to move it there, you'll hopefully get some helpful and sympathetic responses there. I sort of know where you are coming from. My family/DH's family don't sound like yours so it's the not the same at all, but I know what you mean more generally about wishing to raise a daughter who as far as possible is limited as little as possible by sexist (and racist!) stereotypes. I have an 11 month old mixed-heritage daughter with a 'foreign' name. I feel you but I think mostly all we can do is try and model behaviour and increase access to and exposure to a counter narrative. So society might tell my daughter she needs to wear dresses and play princesses but mummy will provide her with joggers and cars and tell her she can play with those and they they are fun - but obviously children are always going to be mega influenced by the other influences in their life, particularly other children - so if she wants to wear dresses and play princesses then I will let her too of course, but just try to keep a different narrative open at all times. And also try to avoid stereotypes e.g. you can be a princess but an athlete or a doctor at the same time, or at different times, etc. Idk why I've just fixated on princesses, I'm a republican anyway...maybe I won't tell her she can be a princess after all xD

Your poor SIL :(

I don't understand why you say your DH 'isn't bothered'. Does he not care that his sister is less loved than him by their parents because of the colour of her skin and hair?

Thanks Meadow, I really need to prepare my mindset as I usually was just happily living in peace. I feel I need to up my game as my daughter deserves a stronger mother.

Do you have any books I can read ?

I might move this to feminism board.

This is quite a difficult task in normal households - the world compares woman, rather say how pretty the girl is than smart!!

You need to break things down one day at a time!!

Good luck sounds like you need it

Your poor SIL sad

It’s quite complicated and will open up pages and pages of the complex dynamics of my in laws. In a nutshell, my DH takes a backseat as his sister would throw him under the bus if he stood up for her, as she did in the past to both me and him.

But we do tell his sister that she is pretty - which she really is. I think she knows she is but her insecurity is as a result of feeling rejected by her own mother and treated as second best. Which is what I don’t want for my kids.

My girls are very confident young women now. I think you could overthink but also think confidence comes with success. The more small successes are recognised (and I mean real success not invented platitudes) then the bigger success and therefore confidence follows.
I think positive specific feedback rather than vague niceties is key.
Telling a child you noticed they’d been kind enough to share their sweets is better than ‘aren’t you lovely’.

I think focus on praise for things that support achievement in STEM as well as pretty drawings. Early learning through play but using numbers as well as words. Exploring the world.
Allowing considered risk taking. Not wrapping in cotton wool. Allowing choice and respecting decisions they are allowed to make.

I don’t think wearing pink sometimes or lipstick stops them being confident women, as happens. My youngest was very cute girly girl into ballet, glitter, brushing hair. She’s still a beautiful young woman and very traditionally feminine but entirely competent and fiercely independent. My oldest girl went through phases of all frilly dresses alternating with just trousers. She was more quirky and always knew her own mind. She’s now confident enough to enjoy wearing the tea dresses, floral prints, lace she loves. She’s a doctor so pretty good at science, not a ditsy blonde at all but likes to use her feminine side too.

I get it OP. I have a 4yo DD and to be honest it has been a battle. They take in a lot from the wider world and you can't really fight that. What I'm trying to do (with varying degrees of success) is to keep talking about what we value about her - that she is curious, friendly, kind, brave, persistent - pointing out when she behaves in those ways. DD is pretty and people comment on this, and she really enjoys it, and I try not to go too much against that because it is clearly important to her. I'd never tell her that it's not important to be pretty (unless she asked me) because at the moment she thinks it is and I want to acknowledge and respect that. We just keep reinforcing all the other things that we think are awesome about her. I have to say, though, I don't know what I'd do if people were telling her she wasn't pretty, that would be toxic. I guess just always gently pushing back against it, showing her different types of beauty and how different people like different things. If she thinks being beautiful is important - which she will, because bloody everything in society will tell her so - you need to instill in her a deep sense that she is beautiful that can stand up to what anyone else will tell her. As well as all the other things that are amazing about her - whatever those might be.