Raising confident girls

[IABUQueen]

Found out I’m pregnant with a girl.

I want her to be confident, not affected by superficiality and celebrating her individuality without comparing herself to others or her siblings.

My side of the family have kids who are your standard “beautiful”, DH side of the family are extremely attractive in my eyes but the girls constantly compete and obsessively comment on skin tone, waiste, nose, hair.... background, ethnicity... basically are very much internalising mysoginistic female standards and propagate it.

I’m ready for the fact my daughter might take after her dads family which as far as I’m concerned are very attractive... but I can really help but feel insecure on her behalf because of the way my in laws put so much emphasis on my sons “fair” skin and hair... and how they hope his sister is similar... I can’t help but feel worried she will be compared in an unhealthy way to her cousins from my side (my brother is expecting a girl at the same time and both parents are fair and coloured eyes) and that it will hurt her which would hurt me... I never gave second thoughts to these superficial things but I’m conscious now of all of this and I’m ashamed to say that I am because of the things my daughter will hear.

My SIL hates my DH, because her mum puts her down because of how she is a darker shade and their whole relationship is resentful... constantly looking for ways to outshine him.. he isn’t bothered as he is secure that his parents love him as he is the golden good looking one.

I haven’t gone through such comments as a child and I’m so worried of not knowing how to handle things so that my baby daughter grows up loving who she is and focused on things deeper than appearances whether she turns out with “acceptable” beauty to her grandparents or not.

So I came up with a list of what I need to do:

1- read her books about confident girls who are high achievers (can you recommend)
2- sign her up to as many sports so she can shine with her talents and potential.
3- make effort with my confident female friends so she is surrounded by healthy females, and perhaps ask them to recognise her and make her accepted for her talents
4- foster a healthy relationship between her and her brother where both their qualities are celebrated and both know they compliment each other and work as a team (advice?)

I’m an only daughter, don’t have a great relationship with mum as she wasn’t very supportive of my talents but I’m a high achiever and was inspired by my female teachers. But can do with some input with those of you who have successful experiences or have similar thoughts to me.

Thanks

I think putting the weight of whether or not your daughter is confident on your shoulders isn't going to do her or you any good. Parents are only one part of the pie, and that part typically gets smaller the older a child gets, and while we can try to be better than our own or others' parents, we can't and shouldn't try to expect that we will be able to entirely control the results of our parenting.

That said, a big part of the issue will be standing up to your in-laws comments as you've already noticed. I experienced similar comments as a kid coming from a mixed background where hair colour particularly as well as other features fit a particular type was a big issue for some. Standing up to them will hopefully relieve some of the issues, but I would focus on the process of standing up for your values rather than doing it for a specific outcome that you can't guarantee - no one can say how an individual will grow and react to something like that. I'm most confident about the very things my mother hated and things she never mentioned bother me the most. The most confident of my parents' friends ended up being the people I most actively dislike and try not to be like because their confidence didn't hide their undesirable qualities - if anything, it amplified them. I was put in a ton of dance and other sports, singing, and other areas to 'shine' and I ended up with lifetime injuries and spent years hiding behind being an introvert to avoid being in the spotlight or in any sort of shining situations.

Out of the list, I think supporting a good relationship with her brother would be top for me. Relationships are important and while we can't guarantee our kids will have good relationships with each other, giving them plenty of time together, hobbies they can do together, giving each child a chance to share their interests and help each other has only seemed to have been of benefit to mine. While role models and wide representations in books and other media are important (though different people have different ideas of what a high achiever is), I think those happen best organically through wide exposure to many different people and media rather than heavily focusing on women heroes because, in my experience as with the rest, we can't control the messages and ideas they get from that - I've found some are inspired, others feel like they have to be exceptional to be a good girl/woman, others feel intimidated and worse.

As is probably obvious, I overthink everything, but really, we can't assume any particular list or action is going to be the thing needed for a particular outcome for our kids. It would be nice if there were a few easy steps to take, but there isn't. I see my daughters with girls who were raised entirely differently to them, and they all show confidence and insecurities. At times I think my 12-year-old is one of the most confident people I know - she's made a lot of difficult, public choices in the last year for her well-being and a lot I couldn't imagine doing at her age - and the next moment it seems anything negative makes her crumble. That's reality, no one is all confident and I don't really take credit for what is far more a big mix of things mostly out of either of our control.

Thanks for your replies it’s very helpful.

I don’t know why I feel so ill prepared for this battle as it does seem like a battle ahead.

I’ve faced their undermining comments on my weight, features, background... I dealt with it by keeping my distance. I’m naturally confident... but I don’t get that from my mother I get it from having had my achievements recognized and celebrated by my academic institutes.. and father..

I guess I don’t have a role model on how to raise confident daughters. My confidence came by having a lucky surrounding which I’m almost sure did won’t have.

I guess unless I learn how to stand up for myself I won’t feel ready to stand up for my DD. So that’s what I should focus on.

DH isn’t great at standing up for me either. He just comforts me behind the scenes. But I’m not so sure that would be enough for DD. I’m thick skinned on matters of appearance as society is somewhat on my side. I have plenty of compliments from elsewhere...

Daughter isn’t here yet.. but I’m just hoping she won’t be born into a world telling her she is lacking.. I don’t even know what she will look like but I already feel protective as I have seen children in DH family in floods of tears about being told their well groomed curly hair looks like a “bush” on a wedding day.

I'm having a girl and this side of things does scare me more than if I was having a boy.

My thoughts and plan based on my childhood? Sports. I'm naturally a size 6 and was constantly told (because it's seen as more acceptable to insult skinny people) by kids at school and adults that I was too skinny and needed to eat more. However, I've always played sports and knew how fit and healthy (more so than people who critiqued me) I was and therefore couldn't have cared less what people said. This has carried on into adulthood.

Also don't diss your own body/looks or say anything in front of her that makes all that stuff seem important. My mum was always "well put together" and always wore make up etc but she never showed any insecurities in front of me and therefore none of these passed on to me.

All the men in our family are lovely - manly but no machismo - they have always made my girls feel totally valued for who they are.

That is lovely. I guess I am lucky in a sense that the men in my family (brothers and his brother) tend to value women for more than their looks. So that side I can feel I get cooperation.

It’s just the women in his family who are obsessive about driving toxic competition around looks.. but perhaps I’ll target one thing at a time !

I’m slightly conscious that , right now every single comment I get about DS is :

“Lovely blond hair”
“ beautiful coloured eyes”
“Whiter than his dad”...

And worse of all

To my SIL “you will never have a good looking child like this, you are tanned”.

This was said as a joke Infront of me but it’s absolutely abusive.. I stood up in horror and replied, but SIL was too hurt that she decided to have a dig at me.

So... I guess I’m going to get ready for the fact that if my relationship with in laws was to continue:

1- I need to learn how to stand up for my girl
2- need to minimise their emphasis on my boys fair skin as if it’s an achievement.
3- I need to help my DS and DD bond on a non superficial level...

4- I need DH to emphasize his recognition of DS on things more substantial than looks.
5- I need to make sure DD knows I’m her biggest supporter and admirer and that she can turn to me if SIL or MIL made digs at her looks ( I’m sure they will).

6- need to encourage her to not internalise their obsession and insecurity and instead focus on cherishing herself and being confident.

Sorry I know I sound repetitive.. I’m just really needing to rehearse this and help myself feel like I can do this

I think you need to discount all of the crap from the grandparents... she is a girl, so what?! How does that make her different?
My 18 month year old is a girl, she is curious, she is utterly fearless (to the point that I have regular palpitations just watching her!), she is no nonsense, she knows what she wants, and how to get it. She is intelligent - she works out things for herself, trial and error, and sometimes she is far too clever for her own good. Other mothers of girls are 'shocked' because she isn't as 'laydee like' as their girls, who they have literally sheltered from everything? One of my friends, her child won't even let her leave the room without howling and howling and howling. At 2 years old 🤷‍♀️
But at the end of the day, she is also loving and caring, and is so gentle with her baby cousin and with our dog, and also with me... she will lay her head on mine and pat my back.

Also, her looks?! Flipping heck! She is a baby! And their blood relative! She will be gorgeous and anyone who dares comment anything otherwise can just get stuffed!

Perhaps I’m going to have a discussion with DH about how it is pretty abusive for a girl to be made to feel that she doesn’t meet beauty “standards” because these standards aren’t real and are just imposed by his family. And that I don’t want any mention of them in my house..

I don’t want emphasis on skin tone and preference. I don’t want it as a joke being referred to as favourable. I do not want my daughter to be told to cover her legs if she is tanned. I don’t want her to be compared to her sibling in a deregatory way... or her sibling to her... (but girls are more sensitive).

I want discussions around her to be 90 percent revolving her achievements.

I guess I need to find a way to set that boundary.

It’s also going to be a while for me to install that mindset in DH. He isn’t at all a sexist, but he just thinks that everyone can just choose to be thick skinned and that these comments can just be forgotten...

They really can’t be... not by a small girl. Who thrives on validation

Don't forget that this mind-set has to be worked on from the beginning (and not just for girls!)

Encourage a positive mind-set-words like: you can do it, help me solve it, can you try harder, I can see you've tried really hard/done your best. Praise when they do the right thing and hold them responsible when they don't (at an age appropriate way!)

There's no harm in saying a girl looks nice-but we can tell boys too

I've got two confident girls-well mannered, doing well at school and brought up by a dodgy feminist single mum!! 🤣 You'll be fine-just don't try too hard!!

Also, her looks?! Flipping heck! She is a baby! And their blood relative! She will be gorgeous and anyone who dares comment anything otherwise can just get stuffed!

I think she won’t understand as a baby of course. But I need to set the tone of the relationship before it becomes a habit.

When DS was born, his grandmother found his “head too big”, he wasn’t good looking for her as he was born low weight and looked rather wrinkly.

She told us, “I don’t feel like I’m a grandma, if I bond with him later then I’ll accept it”.

She neglected him. Never wanted to see him. When his features started to show and his eye colour and hair colour brightened... she noticed on the photos and immediately called us “ ok I accept him now as he is beautiful”. And ever since her relationship is based on that.

My guess is she has mental issues. She was bullied as a child on her looks and is carrying it down generations.

But I cannot allow it to pass on. And I need to discuss with DH to put a stop to it as been lazy in the past picking my battles and all

Colourism is a fact of life in Asian and African households. You can’t protect them from it but you can diminish it’s importance. Every time the in laws mention skin colour you should remind them, firmly, in front of your children that it is inappropriate

You tell her. If she gets complimented for being pretty that’s fine. If you tell her she’s beautiful that’s fine. Just make sure you also tell her she’s good at whatever else she does. That attractiveness is not the major component of her self worth.
However she is not going to grow up in isolation from the real world and she will know that being ‘good looking’ (if she is) is considered desirable on lots of levels. Same goes for boys too frankly.

Every time the in laws mention skin colour you should remind them, firmly, in front of your children that it is inappropriate

Yes I think this would be the approach.

However, I feel like when I have my baby I’m going to be extremely sensitive if it happens and my defence of her is going to be rather aggressive... as I just don’t think I will be able to accept any comments on DD if she was less than their desirable characteristics.. I would feel massive guilt that I brought her defenseless to this world and as I’m still getting used to having a voice I feel it might come out wrong.

I’m few days I will be meeting in laws for the last time before I deliver. (They’re traveling).

I feel now is the right to to set an expectation, in non confrontational way, about how I expect them to not speak about colour and hair Infront of my kids.. and that I would like my girl and boy to measure their value against tangible things like their achievements and to feel loved unconditionally.. I feel I’m in a logical position to discuss things rather maturely before it becomes necessary for me to be defensive.

I wonder how I can go about that. This is a well recognized issue in their family. So they know I noticed it. Just haven’t been assertive about it enough.

I just want to look at my girl when she is born and feel like I’m giving her th best opportunity as a parent and not sending her into a troubled world.

Would it be inappropriate for me to set such boundary? As her parent?

Surely her grandparents don’t have the right to be emotionally abusive ? Isn’t colourism a form of abuse?

My SIL once admitted this was ingrained in her since she was 4.. and remembers things very vividly it seemed to have shaped her. I am NOT at all happy with my baby growing up feeling rejected for her colour, or feeling loved conditionally based on her beauty (no matter which it is).

If you need to be aggressive then do it. My mil is fairly insecure that my family is overall lighter skinned than anyone in hers or my late fil’s. This insecurity comes out in her making awful comments about other aspects of my life — I refuse to accept them and knock her back verbally every time. Remember in Asian and African cultures this type of behaviour only thrives because it’s often considered inappropriate to challenge older folks — but if you don’t do that then your kids will inherit these awful attitudes.

Remember in Asian and African cultures this type of behaviour only thrives because it’s often considered inappropriate to challenge older folks — but if you don’t do that then your kids will inherit these awful attitudes.

I think this is where my worries are stemming from. I know I don’t have form to stand up to them adequately and this time I have a defenseless child that needs it and I’m rather needing a kick up my backside.

Yes, it all starts from me. I’m going to really start the process now.. as I need to nurture my inner mummy bear and feel certain I’m not going to fail my girl. I have massive guilt towards my unborn child and I keep trying to figure out why and I think this is why. And I need to sort it.

Thanks everyone for your comments. Sorry if I didn’t reply to every single one. Currently multi tasking. But every single comment has been helpful.

I feel a lot more confident now to tackle the situation with a clear head and able to articulate myself about a situation I didn’t know how to dismantle. So thank u!

My mil is fairly insecure that my family is overall lighter skinned than anyone in hers or my late fil’s. This insecurity comes out in her making awful comments about other aspects of my life — I refuse to accept them and knock her back verbally every time

I feel this describes my situation quite well.. I have developed a thick skin to her making digs at my family, background and many aspects in my life... which seem petty and shocking as she is an educated woman... and I can only trace it back to her illogical insecurities about our Difference in ethnic background and colour as it became over time.. I haven’t even admitted it to myself out loud as it sounds quite insane... but I really think it is the case..

It’s just so different now as I know no matter how my daughter looks like, she will indeed find imperfections to have digs at as a way to reach me.. she has done so with DS but I managed to deal with it.

I want to be ready to defend my DD and close that door too. She is innocent and shouldn’t be used as a way to get to me.. which I’m feeling worried will be the case.

Hopefully I’m wrong

"But we do tell his sister that she is pretty - which she really is"

And exactly how is this helping? You are perpetuating the idea that being pretty is important. And you obviously believe it, as you have just demonstrated in this sentence.

Argy... yes I realised it cake across wrong

What I mean is, when she comes saying things like dark skinned people aren’t attractive , I tell her that I think she is very pretty.

It’s not the only thing I tell her... also that she is hardworking and good at STEM and many things..

But she’s being abused about her looks and I’m saying I’ve been there to stand up for her and refute things..

And no I don’t “obviously believe it”. You are looking for ways to find something sinister about my thread. Get over yourself

Anyway I had a chat with DH this morning, I told him that I no longer want any emphasis on colour in my house.. neither positively nor negatively..

I also told him that is my daughter faces any sort of comments on her colour ( if she is darker than her brother) I’m ready to release my inner demons and become very aggressive.. so I told him I need to set the standard from now so I don’t need to do that.

He agreed with me. And then he confirmed that his sister used to go to his relatives asking them whether her brother is better looking or her, as a young kid... and that the answer from her aunt was “of course it’s your brother”. Apparently the aunt was being “honest”, which led SIL to burst into tears...

To which I told him I consider this abuse... and that his sister had been abused as a child and no wonder she doesn’t like us or him.. he agreed..

What’s left is for me to gather courage to speak to his parents making clear how serious the situation is for me.. I want to take the opportunity to correct this and if it comes across as aggressive I’m going to blame hormones. I’m going to take that risk.

DH doesn’t seem to believe in these colourism issues at all thankfully. He just explains it as “my family have issues” and that it’s not that serious.. I just need him to realise that no matter what their issues, it is not ok to pass that on to a child.... and that empathizing with someone does not equal enabling them to propagate abuse.