Raising confident girls

[IABUQueen]

Found out I’m pregnant with a girl.

I want her to be confident, not affected by superficiality and celebrating her individuality without comparing herself to others or her siblings.

My side of the family have kids who are your standard “beautiful”, DH side of the family are extremely attractive in my eyes but the girls constantly compete and obsessively comment on skin tone, waiste, nose, hair.... background, ethnicity... basically are very much internalising mysoginistic female standards and propagate it.

I’m ready for the fact my daughter might take after her dads family which as far as I’m concerned are very attractive... but I can really help but feel insecure on her behalf because of the way my in laws put so much emphasis on my sons “fair” skin and hair... and how they hope his sister is similar... I can’t help but feel worried she will be compared in an unhealthy way to her cousins from my side (my brother is expecting a girl at the same time and both parents are fair and coloured eyes) and that it will hurt her which would hurt me... I never gave second thoughts to these superficial things but I’m conscious now of all of this and I’m ashamed to say that I am because of the things my daughter will hear.

My SIL hates my DH, because her mum puts her down because of how she is a darker shade and their whole relationship is resentful... constantly looking for ways to outshine him.. he isn’t bothered as he is secure that his parents love him as he is the golden good looking one.

I haven’t gone through such comments as a child and I’m so worried of not knowing how to handle things so that my baby daughter grows up loving who she is and focused on things deeper than appearances whether she turns out with “acceptable” beauty to her grandparents or not.

So I came up with a list of what I need to do:

1- read her books about confident girls who are high achievers (can you recommend)
2- sign her up to as many sports so she can shine with her talents and potential.
3- make effort with my confident female friends so she is surrounded by healthy females, and perhaps ask them to recognise her and make her accepted for her talents
4- foster a healthy relationship between her and her brother where both their qualities are celebrated and both know they compliment each other and work as a team (advice?)

I’m an only daughter, don’t have a great relationship with mum as she wasn’t very supportive of my talents but I’m a high achiever and was inspired by my female teachers. But can do with some input with those of you who have successful experiences or have similar thoughts to me.

Thanks

Good grief this is awful. Are your family mixed ethnicities? If they can't stop commenting on skin colour I would reduce time with them. And when DD older talk to her about perceptions of beauty and self worth. My DP is black British and I'm white British and there are ideas around race my DS will pick up on - I want him to feel he can talk about it all and we will help him understand different ideas.

Redbead. Yes my DH is mixed ethnically. MIL being tanned Asian. FIL white. Her kids are mixed. My DH takes after his dad and the rest of his siblings after her.. which is why I’m shocked at how she could call her darker son “ugly” in conversations with my DH we it it’s a standard fact and say to her daughter “my favorite is [Dh name] because he is better looking”.

I think they don’t take her seriously because she is the same color as them and it sounds like self hatered.. but SIL carries that insecurity.. and it led to serious sibling rivalry and resentment. and I don’t want that for my kids because it breaks my heart. I want my kids to be close..

Having a girl is great. Be sure to question and answer things which come up. Some examples are:
That’s a thing only boys can do/wear. Wrong, girls can do it too!
Question how the Smurfette principle can affect you and look at the Bechdel test in movies and tv.

You can take them swimming from an early age. You can’t really do much else with them.

The book on Rebel girls is good for when she is older.

She Ra (2018) and Hilda are good programmes. The Tale of the Princess Kaguya is great.

Anyway good luck!

Raising girls by Steve Biddulph is a fantastic book that I highly recommend. My Dh bought it for himself but I had a read to and it challenged my thoughts about how I’d been raised too.

It’s really good and gives you a stage by stage direction and guidance on how you should help your daughter be confidant, independent and be able to navigate societal expectations and pressures we put on our young daughters.

He also does one for boys although I’ve never read it - going of this one it should be s good read.

Thanks Zippey, I’ll check out the books!! I do take son swimming and will take daughter too. Just thinking also long term so I develop the confidence and not feel helpless.

I was just thinking, to be fair, I think MIL loves her kids. I think she thinks she is doing them a favor... I think she has a certain idea of what the world is like in her head (based on her past as a child in a racist surrounding), and she probably believes she would rather develop a thick skin for them so they don’t have to be upset if they hear it from outside... tough love sort of thing.. which is why my DH doesnt see with the same anger as me.

However the only problem is that her interpretation of the world does not at all fit the reality of today.. and even if it did, comforming to a distorted society isn’t the right way...

I just need to find a way to accept that this might happen Infront of my kids and I want to find a way to explain it to them so they understand their gran and SIL says this because she has issues and that it’s not the reality. arghh and then I will feel bad for badmouthing a grandma to her grandkids.. thinking ...

Oooooo will get that book “raising girls”. I think that’s precisely what I’m looking for.

Should open healthy discussions between me and DH! Thanks!

My DM didn't an amazing job raising 3 happy, confident, capable girls. I'd say the big things are:

• support their personal talents (like you say about your DM's shortcomings) m. One of us is academic, one sporty and independent, one creative and a homebird. All 3 of us were considered equally brilliant and our shortcomings in each other's "departments" were dismissed.
• in terms of aesthetic appearance; we are all now quite traditionally 'put together' and to a greater or lesser extent feminine, but importantly my mum (v glam) would look like a bag of spanners the morning after a party of whatever and laughed it off, with just as much enthusiasm as she put herself 'together' for the night out. What I'm saying is she instilled in us that women bring 'made up' was a bit of fun, making the best of yourself for a specific event, and you're not expected to be physically perfect or even your 'best' all the time. It's a costume to put on and take off, I suppose.
• two of us were pretty girls but middle sis was... well... unusual looking! She's now the best looking of all of us but we were all equally called 'beautiful' (when dressed up for a party for example, not just as a general bit of praise, as like I said, beauty/hair done/posh clothes are a costume) despite her squinty open-mouth grin in all our childhood pics! She brings them out to laugh at now!

Overall I guess compliment her when she get old enough to dress herself / choose clothes that she looks 'lovely' but leave it at that. I compliment my friends DSons on how handsome they look (at party or whatever) but it's more that for a split second they have clean faces and no chocolate on their clean, ironed clothes for 5 mins! (3yo and 18mo here!)

*DID an amazing job!!

Ffs - undermines my whole post!!!

Should open healthy discussions between me and DH! Thanks!

It certainly did that with Dh and I! It really was light bulb moments.

Wine... wow thanks for that ! This was great advice ! Your mum sounds fab.

I find it hard to articulate myself on these issues and the way you explained about your DM being dismissive of what you’re lacking in each other’s departments really helps as I can express that to DH. Yes this is exactly what it is.. siblings are supposed to Be happy for each other and supportive.. celebrating each other’s strengths and not seeing it as a potential for them being undermined and insecure.

I guess I’ve narrowed down my issue which is I need to tackle the potential threat of having my surrounding nurture harmful sibling rivalry... and that I need to find ways to help DH identify these in his upbringing and challenge them... and not just minimise..

As well as equip myself with proactive ways to nip it in the bud

*You just have to raise her so she understands superficial beauty is one thing but not the most important thing.

But my question is how do I achieve that.*

Compliment on personality and achievements 10x more than looks. Teach her that her worth is everything she IS not the way she looks.

I was told I was beautiful and was 'definitely going to be a model' my whole childhood and teens. Turned out that I grew into my features, had a hit of hormones and got chubby and spotty and looked incredibly average as a young adult (and hated myself).

Compliment on personality and achievements 10x more than looks. Teach her that her worth is everything she IS not the way she looks.

Very good points. So a child learns about their worth from acknowledgement and achievements right? By how much a parent shows them love and compassion true?

Could you elaborate on what makes a child feels valued so I can focus on that.

Sorry I know I keep dwelling but this is helping me

@IABUQueen

Very good points. So a child learns about their worth from acknowledgement and achievements right?

A child should feel good about themselves because of the nice personality traits they have and what they achieve. It's too easy to just call a girl 'beautiful', 'cute', 'pretty' etc. My point is that there's no real world value in that, and if they think that is all their worth, the second they don't feel attractive, they will feel worthless.

To echo others, I don't think this is something you should worry too much about before baby is here! It's something I noticed when my kids were younger, all/most of the compliments they received from others were about how cute they looked, and as they got older how handsome or strong they were etc. I then made an effort to balance with "oh and he did so well in his test" or "he has been trying so hard at swimming class, we are so proud of his determination" "he's been a really kind brother this week" etc. So they felt good about themselves because of achievements and positive behaviour, not just looking good.

Of course that's relating to my boys, I'm sure it's far worse with girls

Encourage her to think for herself and not follow like a lamb. Allow her to try things and continue if she enjoys them. Teach her she can do anything she sets her mind to, and as a parent refuse to become involved with peer pressure.

2- sign her up to as many sports so she can shine with her talents and potential.

Please be aware:

a) that you are still sending her the message that she is there to be judged and has to be good enough

b) that you are still sending her the message that innate talent and potential are more important than what you make of yourself

c) that she may not actually have any talent for sport- or indeed for anything else: as you won't know in advance you need to make sure you lay the foundations and create an environment where even an untalented child to feel good about themselves

You should ask your parents in law to refrain from discussing looks/fairness. Sounds like they need to be told (in a nice way of course).

I think you'd really like some of the episodes on the "Your Parenting Mojo" podcast. (And let's face it, podcasts are so much easier than books when you're pregnant or have a newborn to take care of.) In particular, the ones on "parenting beyond pink and blue" and "how to raise

I have b/g DT’s - they have been raised the same. Treat your DD as you do your DS. If your PIL influence is poor, limit their involvement with your DC’s.

Bugger, posted too soon. I'll try again

I think you'd really like some of the episodes on the "Your Parenting Mojo" podcast. (And let's face it, podcasts are so much easier than books when you're pregnant or have a newborn to take care of.) In particular, the ones on "parenting beyond pink and blue" and "how to raise girls with a healthy body image" would by highly relevant. She also does one on raising emotionally competent boys, which was great. You'll find the gender ones here -

yourparentingmojo.com/tag/gender-issues/

Also consider books for your DD and DS. I love the Mighty Girl website for their booklist recommendations. I've got a few from there - "feminist baby", "the paper bag Princess", "Ada Twist, Scientist", "Rosie Revere, Engineer" and"It's ok to be different". They're all awesome.

You may find the battle with your in-laws is actually the easy one to fight as it is at least obvious and can be tackled head on. The more insidious influence on girls body image that comes from all parts of society is harder. Good luck.

cory you might be onto something there. Yes I should be careful that becoming defensive of her doesn’t pressure her with my expectations. Thanks for the insight. I’m really going to be referring back to this thread a lot.

Romany yes... I think I’m all honesty, I need to be less influenced by peer pressure myself. It’s probabky my confidence issues that I’m projecting here.. because I’m a people pleaser with in laws and their opinions have rubbed off on my confidence hard. Except bizarre ones.

Stephanie as they have little form for respecting my views and opinions, I can only ensure they won’t in my presence. So I will memorise a phrase to repeat non defensively “we teach our kids that beauty is diverse and that fairness/features aren’t significant.”arghhh I need a short precise phrase.

Chaos wow!! Thanks soo much I’m going to start downloading purchasing on the weekend! This is soo helpful.

Parker I wish I can limit their involvement further. Just in the grand scheme of things doesn’t seem to be possible. I really wanted DS and DD to be raised the same. But it really might translate to me being passive to the issues that will be faced by DD more significantly than DS, so sad and wish it wasn’t the case.