SIL doesn't respect that I am teaching my 2.5 year old privacy whilst nappy changing

[Dee2B]

Hi all.
So recently I have started teaching my 2.5year old daughter that her private parts cannot be seen by others. She is very well aware as a2.5 year old and I am teaching this as a part of her pre-potty training.

So I now consciously change her nappy away from others (this has now come to attention to my in laws as I hesitate whenever they suggest me to change her in the living room where everyone is sitting around).

I have clarified to my SIL that I am teaching her privacy of nappy changing , but this seems to have made her challange me that she should have the right to change my daughters nappy (as she insists to change it when she sees it being full).

I feel furious because when her daughters were babies she would cover their private parts up whenever I passed by. And now that her daughter is 7 years old, she said to me just follow her to the toilet but don't go inside!. -I couldn't help to roll my eyes, because as much as I care of my own daughters privacy, I respect my nieces' too.

Now, what shall I do/ respond to clarify that this is my way of parenting and she needs to stay clear without involving my husband who would not get involve anyway.

• Just to clarify- I followed my SIL's daughter (7 year old niece) to the toilet when I came to visit my SIL at the hospital only because everyone else was feeling too lazy to take her to the toilet.

Your daughter, your decision. I’ve no idea why your sil is invested in this.

So no running around in the garden, naked, playing in the paddling pool with your cousins or friends. What a sad sad world we live in today to make you feel as though you need to start this at such a young age.

Please clarify, when you say your husband won't get involved, do you mean in the argument or the nappy changing? How does he feel about it?
I agree with hummus that she needs to stop going on about this but I do think your rules sound a little odd.

I agree with Bloomburger -very sad. 2 year olds are not old enough for this. It is wonderful for children to have that time of running about freely, unaware that there is anything about their body that needs to be 'private'.

I think you start explaining this when the child is old enough to have some understanding. Until then, you protect them yourself.

I feel a have become more conscious after identifying a family member who have been sexually exploiting my daughter when she was dropped at my in laws by my husband in the evenings. That's is another topic but not open to discuss. Immediately after I started teaching her that her private parts are private. (Husband is aware of this and fully supportive).

My husband does her nappy changing, that not a problem. But he does not get involved in such arguments. I feel it is more effective to keep him out anyway. Although I have told him as a general rule that DD's nappy won't be changed in front of others as I am not comfortable with that.

What an odd debate! At such a young age you're actually setting your daughter up for years of anxiety around toileting.
I agree that changing nappies in the middle of the sitting room isn't a good idea, but that's because I wouldn't want to subject others to smelly nappies, much the same as not liking toddlers using potties in the middle of the room either.
When she's a little older, then introduce the underpants rule (Google it) which is about children keeping themselves safe. But she is most definitely too young at the moment.
As for the bit about your DH, that's really odd!

I thought both you and your SIL sounded a bit odd to be honest. But after your update I understand. But why on earth are you still going round to where someone sexually exploited your daughter?

Sorry just ready not up for discussion, fair enough. Your SIL needs to respect you wishes

I’m sorry your daughter was exploited, but I’m not sure keeping children covered up stops sexual abuse.

My dd was running around in the garden naked at this age and older. I am not sure your 2 yo is cognitively ready to process the pants discussion. Your dd may even internalise this as shame for her body. And what about if someone else needs to change her nappy if you’re ill or get run over by a bus so to speak?

I had dds friends over yesterday. They’re 10. One of her friends is not self conscious at all and they played in water - in swimwear. When they’d had enough she was messing around flashing her naked body with her friends. All girls together. And me, a mum, who doesn’t care as long as she’s in a safe environment.

I did have a quick word, in the end as I was going to take a photo now, so no messing around as I’m not allowed to have snaps of her naked. She’s had the pants discussion both at school and with her parents.

No way that I would take her to that house ever again after what happened! I am always with my daughter whenever I visit my mother in law.

Do you mean someone in your family has sexually assaulted your daughter?

Cross post... didn’t refresh and got interrupted. I’m sorry this happened to your dd. That’s awful. I now understand your attitude. However I still don’t think she’s old enough to understand and may cause her to feel shame for her body.

Is there anyone you can get advice from?

@Mummyoflittledragon You have a fair point. I feel the negative experience has really had a massive impact on me. Can't sleep at times.

@BurnedToast yes (DH's uncle who would visit).

I can understand that you feel very protective of your daughter after a suspected episode of sexual abuse, but you have got this privacy thing wrong in several ways, Dee2B.

Your DD has no conception of privacy and this is normal and natural. She will develop this as she grows older, maybe around 4 or 5. Your niece at 7 has developed a desire for privacy in the bathroom. You cannot accomplish what you set out to achieve with a 2.5 year old any more than you could teach a 2.5 year old the nine times tables with any level of understanding.

I think you should rethink this.

It's fine to change a nappy away from other people to keep smells from bothering them but there is no way a 2.5 year old is going to understand the concept of privacy that you are trying to teach. She is simply not capable of understanding that. All she will learn is that a nappy is changed in a certain place because that is the nappy changing spot. It is merely a matter of routine for her. If the nappy is changed in a variety of places then o lesson will be learned because a 2.5 year old cannot deduct from what you do that the presence of others is a problem during nappy changes. Unless you explicitly tell her that she must not be changed in the presence of others the lesson will go completely over her head. This is problematic.

Here are the problems:
Did I read it right that you are trying to teach the child the concept of privacy in response to her being sexually abused? If yes, then you are teaching the wrong person about keeping her body to herself, and the lesson you risk imparting to your child if you keep this up is that she, a little child, has a responsibility to keep herself safe, and by extension, that she was responsible for whatever happened to her.

The first issue with that is that she is not responsible at age 2.5 for keeping herself safe, and secondly, the lesson others are getting is that they are not responsible for keeping her safe or for controlling themselves. You are telling the family at large that a child who does not protect herself is fair game. This is a terrible lesson in a family where there may be an abuser.

Thirdly, have you notified the police?

What mathanxiety said.

You need to get help from your local Rape Crisis Centre, Dee2B

Call them and ask for counselling for you.

Soon after the incident, I searched up this topic and in many places it was encouraged to teach them from a young age (without making them feel ashamed of their bodies of course).

Brilliant post mathanxiety

OP I know you said you don’t want to discuss the abuse but to be honest I don’t think you can’t. It’s so integral to what is going on here. Are the police involved?

Why does your SIL care in the slightest about this? For whatever reason you have decided that she will have privacy when being changed, so that's how it should be. You are mum.

Is she upset she'll miss out on wiping a pooey bum?! I don't understand why anyone would be so invested in the nappy changing of someone else's children... How strange.

@mathanxiety Thanks for sharing that advice. Will look into counselling as I do feel I need it off my chest.

@PregnantSea I am equally confused

Please report this disgusting man to the police. It's the best way to help your daughter deal with the violation of her.