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SIL doesn't respect that I am teaching my 2.5 year old privacy whilst nappy changing

61 replies

Dee2B · 24/05/2019 05:15

Hi all.
So recently I have started teaching my 2.5year old daughter that her private parts cannot be seen by others. She is very well aware as a2.5 year old and I am teaching this as a part of her pre-potty training.

So I now consciously change her nappy away from others (this has now come to attention to my in laws as I hesitate whenever they suggest me to change her in the living room where everyone is sitting around).

I have clarified to my SIL that I am teaching her privacy of nappy changing , but this seems to have made her challange me that she should have the right to change my daughters nappy (as she insists to change it when she sees it being full).

I feel furious because when her daughters were babies she would cover their private parts up whenever I passed by. And now that her daughter is 7 years old, she said to me just follow her to the toilet but don't go inside!. -I couldn't help to roll my eyes, because as much as I care of my own daughters privacy, I respect my nieces' too.

Now, what shall I do/ respond to clarify that this is my way of parenting and she needs to stay clear without involving my husband who would not get involve anyway.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Dee2B · 24/05/2019 06:30

@Nuckyscarnation Not really.. Mentioning it is enough to explain my post. Only if you knew how hard it is for me to open up about it.

OP posts:
Hadenoughofitall441 · 24/05/2019 06:35

It’s absolutley non of her business what you choose to do with your daughter. I hate interfering family members... I personally wouldn’t care, until they are around 8/9 when the get self conscious about them things. Dd 6 doesn’t care who sees her, she gets undressed wherever. Each to thier own and your SIL should respect that.

mathanxiety · 24/05/2019 06:36

Whatever you looked at that advised nappy changing away from others as a means of teaching bodily privacy got it all wrong. A 2.5 year old simply cannot understand the concept of bodily privacy.

What you can do is teach the correct names for the bodily parts - no twee names for penis, anus, vulva, clitoris or vagina. Say these words out loud yourself without flinching. Teach your DD when she asks.

At about 3 or 4 you can introduce the idea of the swimsuit zones. These are the bodily privacy zones. Under no circumstances can a child be given the impression that they are responsible if someone breaches these zones. These lessons are taught in conjunction with instructions on secrets - that there are no secrets at all from mum and dad, that any adult who asks you to keep a secret is up to no good and while you can agree to keep something secret you do not have to keep it secret. Also that mum and dad will never get angry with you no matter what you tell them and no matter what someone else may have told her about you.

For a 2 year old, it's more important to teach that they don't have to hug or kiss anyone including dad or mum or gran or grandad or uncle, cousin, brother, sister, etc. if they don't want to, or sit on anyone's knee, etc.

It's important that you respect a No from your child even at the risk of putting the nose of another adult out of joint. Don't smile or grin or giggle when you back up your child, or offer an explanation that includes the child having a grumpy day/off day/a cold/tired, whatever. The other adult can take offense or shrug or have whatever response they wish - it is not up to you to manage their response, and it is dangerous to imply a criticism of the child by offering an explanation that makes their response seem out of place or requiring an explanation.

The big issue that you can teach a 2 year old is consent. This can be done in a variety of ways.

You can let them have a few choices of what to wear daily so they get a sense of power and control over their own life. Don't make them wear a hat even on a cold day but bring one for when they change their mind. Offer a few choices of lunch or breakfast. Respect it if they don't want to eat much or if they want more.

It's important that you step in and stop any roughhousing that goes on in your house and in the houses of others to the point where one child is feeling upset, and to make your house a no tickling zone. Stop any playing with hair if one child doesn't like it. Stop any unwanted physical play as soon as one child objects.

Treat the child with respect - if you feel you have been wrong about something, tell them you are sorry. Ask for their opinion on things. Have conversations. Tell them ahead of time when they will have to stop playing and get ready to do something else (running errands, whatever) - no swooping in and plucking them up and expecting them to go along with your plans with no questions asked. Be patient with objections. Try to strike deals to get things done. Be patient with what might be perceived as 'backtalk'. Try to tease out the emotion behind behaviour like whining or tantrums instead of clamping down on it. Explain that we can say 'No thank you' instead of throwing our bowl on the floor.

The overall aim is to give your child the impression that she will be listened to.

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mathanxiety · 24/05/2019 06:40

Dee2B

Really and truly, I feel for you.

This is every parent's worst nightmare.

Please, please, please contact your local rape crisis centre and ask for help.

Have you even spoken to your GP about this?

StealthPolarBear · 24/05/2019 06:41

Given the circumstances I do get why you're paranoid. I'm not qualified to advise, hope the police have been involved

nespressowoo · 24/05/2019 06:43

Please tell me this uncle no longer sees your DD? And did you report this to the police? You've not answered this yet. I hope you did.

Dee2B · 24/05/2019 06:46

@mathanxiety Thanks, appreciate your advise, very useful.
Yes I am going to report this, just doing some reading around it first as I don't want this to be treated as a parenteral negligence and fire back at me. I feel so sh**t!!

OP posts:
Dee2B · 24/05/2019 06:47

Yes, I have made a GP appointment too. Hope they can help in some way...

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 24/05/2019 06:47

I followed my SIL's daughter (7 year old niece) to the toilet when I came to visit my SIL at the hospital only because everyone else was feeling too lazy to take her to the toilet.

You are dealing with a family that does not take children's safety seriously if they let a 7 year old off on her own to the loo in a hospital.

You were right to follow her there, presumably to make sure nothing would happen to her.

I think you should severely limit contact with your IL family. Families where there is a sexual predator always have an unhealthy dynamic, and children are never safe around them.

Xmas2020 · 24/05/2019 06:48

She is only 2 @Dee2B I agree with PP she is too young.

Blondebakingmumma · 24/05/2019 06:49

What is it 1 in 3 or 4 girls are sexually abused. I think education is too late at 7! I started reading my underpants rule with my daughter from 2.5 and also name body parts.

I really hope you have reported the uncles behaviour!

Samind · 24/05/2019 06:50

Are your in-laws aware of what happened? If so, Maybe your sister in law feels that you're tarring them with one brush.

I feel for your daughter and you. Hope you're able to get some good headspace.

Ultimately she is your daughter so you don't need to explain yourself!

mathanxiety · 24/05/2019 06:53

It won't be treated as parental negligence as long as you don't appear to be protecting the person you suspect.

Cut out contact with the individual you suspect. No more visits to the house where this person lives. No visits to any place where you know this person may be. Leave if they are there when you arrive or if they arrive after you. Best to seriously limit contact with the ILs, all in all.

You need to reach out and get proper help for yourself and your DD (and DH) as the three of you go through this trauma.

magicBrenda · 24/05/2019 06:58

mathanxiety is spot on.

I was sexually abused as a child and was very very paranoid about my girls.

There are lots of age appropriate videos on YouTube to help discuss this when they are a little older.

Flowers
Xmas2020 · 24/05/2019 06:59

Oh @Dee2B has he done anything to to your 7 year old niece?

Who else in your family knew what he did?

I hope your report him, its not just your little girl that needs protecting.

Starryskiesinthesky · 24/05/2019 07:02

Services would be there to support you and your daughter whilst also protecting other children this man might come into contact with. You must not delay reporting him as he could be abusing another child. You must act now. Sorry for what you are going through.

Bowerbird5 · 24/05/2019 07:05

Your SIL should respect your decision however what about nursery or school. Some children have accidents and need changed. Policy is two adults now.

Have you considered NSPCC they do a lot of work in this area and should be able to advise you. I feel she is a bit young to take it on board however just the practice of changing her should be sufficient. Are you potty training yet as that will also divert SIL as potty in the bathroom and just shut the door. Weird she wants to be around nappy changing anyway. Tell her you have followed and respected her wishes and you expect the same respect.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/05/2019 07:14

math
That’s brilliant advice. This is pretty much how we handled dds upbringing so far. As a result we do have a child, who knows her own mind and boundaries. She can be very stubborn at times, which is annoying of course but better that than not knowing she can express herself or her opinion. And can always come to us with her problems, is truthful etc.

Tigger001 · 24/05/2019 07:48

Dee2B so sorry that yourself and your DD have had to go through this, it is simply disgusting and heartbreaking. 💐💐

It is absolutely your decision in how you deal with this and changing your daughters nappy, with regards to your SIL anyway. She should respect whatever you decide.

I think there is such good advice off PP on here with regards to the privacy of your daughter and how it may effect her growing up.

@mathanxiety - what a great and informative post. It has definitely educated me and give me food for thought on how to approach the subject with my toddler as he grows.

Dee2B I hope the horrid man gets the punishment he deserves

mindutopia · 24/05/2019 09:38

I would say that I think actually you're generally taking a sound approach, but be careful that your anxiety about it all isn't impacting on her. Teaching the PANTS rule is really wise and actually we had a family member who was convicted of sexually abusing a child (not ours) and I started to teach my dc about privacy and people respecting her bodily integrity from 2/3. Private areas aren't dirty or bad or to be covered up, but it's important to respect people's privacy. You're the parent, you set the boundaries for your children. It sounds like if other people aren't respecting those rules, then there are clear issues with boundaries in your family (which is very common in families where sexual abuse is occurring, even 'safe' family members get socialised to have really weird boundaries).

If you don't want to change your dd's nappy in front of other family members, you don't and they need to respect that. It doesn't matter what they think. I certainly wouldn't change a nappy in front of random family in the middle of the lounge (who really wants to see or smell that? I think most people would think that's a bit odd when you could go somewhere more private). But it doesn't really matter, because you're doing what you're comfortable with and especially given all that's happened, it's important that your dd grows up learning that people should respect other people's boundaries. They don't have to agree with them, but it's not okay to push, and push, until someone relents. Teaching that that's okay is how abuse cycles through families.

That said, I'm really sorry for all that you and your dd have gone through. Please do get some support and make a report if you feel you can.

TwllBach · 24/05/2019 09:52

I’m so sorry this has happened to your DC and to you. I understand entirely why you are thinking the way you are, it’s just that it is such a minefield when it comes to teaching DC about their bodies and consent WITHOUT making them feel as though a) they’re responsible for their own safety at a young age and b) that they’re bodies are shameful somehow.

DS is 3 and I’ve made a big point about not forcing him or expecting him to kiss/cuddle people goodbye. It does get comments, even now, from his grandparents because they’re in their 70s and see it as being rude, but it just isn’t. I don’t like kissing/cuddling as forms of greeting - I’ve been raped before and also, as a female, been subjected to the sexual assaults that seem to come hand in hand with having breasts and a vagina.

My son’s body is his own and it’s up to him whether he chooses to kiss or be kissed. That’s the basic premise that I started from the day he was born and one that I will build on as he grows.

Please try to access some counselling, I can’t imagine the horror of discovering what you have, and please, please report that man.

BabyB04 · 24/05/2019 16:32

As people have said it’s sad that children so young have to be taught certain things which take there innocent ways away. But it’s the world we now live in, when my chI is is 2-3 years old he will be told only certain people can take his clothes off etc. I disagree with most people & I think kids do need to know certain things now such as who can take clothes off etc. Sounds very serious, I hope your okay. Nothing wrong with reaching our children the basics x

Moralitym1n1 · 25/05/2019 00:03

You must not delay reporting him as he could be abusing another child.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 03:12

If you don't want to change your dd's nappy in front of other family members, you don't and they need to respect that. It doesn't matter what they think.

I agree with that 100%, and actually I think in a family where there is a sexual predator it it important to push back and assert your right to do things as you choose with your child. This is because boundaries are always weak in such families and members may push others or pressure others or disrespect the No of others even if they are not sexual predators. It is a pattern of interaction that they absorb during their upbringing and go on to inflict on others.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2019 07:20

@TwllBach Flowers
If only all parents brought up their sons as well as their daughters to have these personal boundaries there would be far fewer rapes and assaults.