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Original poster

Mum guilt - it's a thing, right?

67 replies

Indecisivelurcher · 21/05/2019 15:04

My current 'mum guilt' is about giving my 4.5yo Dd melatonin. We've been struggling with her sleep for a year and have tried everything in the book. We've even worked with a private sleep consultant. A typical night she'll go to sleep no problem then wake at 1:30am for around an hour, during which time she'll repeatedly call me into her room. Then she's up for the day at 5:30. On a bad night, she'll barely string 2hrs together. Thankfully we don't have too many of those, but her lack of sleep has started to affect her behaviour at preschool so we've now started a months trial of melatonin, prescribed by the doctor. The idea being to help her get over what's essentially being seen as a habit of waking.

I am feeling incredibly guilty about giving this to my Dd, even though its a natural hormone and not a drug as such. And even though I am happy that we've reached this point.

I think that it's pretty common to feel guilty about things when raising kids, Even the small things; you had a headache so let them watch too much TV; you took your eyes off them for a second and they face-planted. I call this mum/parenting guilt. I mentioned my mum guilt over the melatonin to Dh and he looked 😕 and didn't get it. Similar reaction from a few colleagues over lunch.

Mum guilt is a thing, right?!

Share your stories of mum guilt...?!

Also interested to hear if dad's get the parenting guilts? Or if anyone knows the science behind this?!

OP posts:
NeverHadANickname · 21/05/2019 15:21

It is definitely a thing. For me it has started early which I know is ridiculous 🙈 I had a scan just before 19 weeks and I'm not sure which way the baby is facing and feel terribly guilty, I told you I was ridiculous. Obviously not the same as you but it might make you laugh.

PhalangeReginaPhalange · 21/05/2019 15:41

Mum guilt must days!

Leaving at nursery crying

Shouting because DC won’t lie still for nappy changes

Shouting because DC put a full carrot stick in their mouth

Taking a shower and ignoring them reaching up at me!

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/05/2019 15:45

The shower is a thing. Guilt for leaving in cot crying as I just need a minute when he's teething.
Guilt at going back to work full time when he was 7 month old... Hideous

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sugarbum · 21/05/2019 15:50

I'm afraid to say, it doesn't go away either. However old they get...

Baskerville · 21/05/2019 15:55

Not in this house. 'Mum guilt' is patriarchal nonsense aimed at women daring to do anything other then being some form of robotic domestic drudge-angel, whether it's working for a living, giving your child a drug to help it sleep and hence you sleep, or letting them do something unimproving so you can concentrate on something else.

Who benefits from 'mum guilt'? Certainly not women.

Learn from your DH, OP. He's equally responsible for the decision to give melatonin to your daughter, but he's not flagellating himself over it. Ask yourself why not?

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 15:57

Yep totally a thing.

My most recent is that I’m going to be going back to work full time and leaving my 1yo with a childminder full time. The guilt keeps me awake at night but my rational side knows it shouldn’t be a problem.

Picklemuncher123 · 21/05/2019 15:57

I am terrible for it...

Guilt over every little thing.

BettysLeftTentacle · 21/05/2019 16:00

patriarchal nonsense aimed at women daring to do anything other then being some form of robotic domestic drudge-angel,

This completely. That’s why, in my case, I’m wrestling with the guilt so much. my husband doesn’t feel this guilty!! Social conditioning at its worst.

thinkingcapon · 21/05/2019 16:01

Sorry to slightly go off track but I'm dying to know if you've noticed any change with her sleep since starting melatonin......?!

We are in similar situation but we have a 3 hour awake period😡I'm absolutely about to break

You must not feel guilty in the slightest lovely. You're doing something to improve all of your lives x

PhalangeReginaPhalange · 21/05/2019 16:06

Actually yes that’s a very good reason for you not to feel guilty! If she sleeps better then it will help everyone!

Not the same but I leave my DC in bed awake for a good 45 mins in a morning until they “need” me (don’t need feeding changing, not crying etc) but that makes me a better mum in the day because I have had more rest! still get massive mum guilt like

GroggyLegs · 21/05/2019 16:10

Oh God.
Mum guilt is SUCH a thing.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 21/05/2019 16:14

Oh good, not just me! Totally agree about it being bullshit social conditioning. But social conditioning is a powerful thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 21/05/2019 16:16

@thinkingcapon first night was last night, she slept until 4:30, had a quick wee and went back to sleep until 6:40 which is unheard of. I am not counting any chickens as new things we try seem to work for a bit then wear off. But I'll report back to you again! Long term sleep deprivation is the worst. For everyone.

OP posts:
Justajot · 21/05/2019 16:19

I don't think it's universal. I don't have it, partly by choice, though perhaps also due to personality and background

WeeCheekyBird · 21/05/2019 16:20

I told my almost 2 year old off for doing something dangerous the other day and she did the whole petted lip, welling eyes thing and I felt awful. And that's just one very minor example.

I don't think its always a social thing that is forced upon us. Sometimes I think it's just empathy...or in my case feeling guilty for upsetting her when in her mind she was just trying something new and didn't realise she was in danger.

Sometimes you have to do things that suck even though you know its for their own good - but they don't understand or have the capacity to rationalise it. Kinda like taking the dog to the vet haha :)

thinkingcapon · 21/05/2019 16:34

I'd really appreciate that op thanks so much. I really hope it works for you. Absolutely no judgement here, I think you're doing whatever you need to do for your family on this one so please be kind to yourself.

Was your gp open to prescribing this or was it a real battle? X

User24689 · 21/05/2019 16:34

I'm currently torturing myself over sending my mid-august born DD to school in September. I think because now so many people are deferring I feel like it is my fault she is going to be the youngest rather than the roll of the dice as it used to be. The guilt it keeping my awake at night. DH says she'll be fine and isn't feeling guilty at all!

But for what it's worth, I think you've made a sensible decision trying the melatonin and I'd have done the same.

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 21/05/2019 16:38

@thinkingcapon he was very open, I was surprised. I think it helped that the recommendation came from preschool, health visitor confirmed we'd tried everything that they usually advise, we'd worked with a private sleep consultant, and that we've been at it a year. He said melatonin is commonly prescribed to children with adhd or autism, which is interesting. Dd isn't in that camp, but I just didn't even realise this was 'a thing'.

OP posts:
thinkingcapon · 21/05/2019 16:44

Thanks for giving me some hope. This has been one of my lowest days for a while so this has been a pleasant surprise to read this , it's given me a little bit of positive thinking !

All the very best xxx

Original poster
Indecisivelurcher · 21/05/2019 16:48

Me too @thinkingcapon, I've never 'met' anyone else who has had this issue in 'real life' (mumsnet totally counts), only read about it in scientific journals!

OP posts:
Snufflepiglet · 21/05/2019 16:55

Don't feel guilty OP. The sleep needs sorting before it affects her development. So you are doing the right thing. Doc would not prescribe if it wasn't needed.

I am an OU student and have incredible mum guilt over catching up with study at the weekend when I should be playing with DD Sad

Parttimewasteoftime · 21/05/2019 17:29

Missing sports day tomorrow feel awful. DH and FIL going I at work.
I am a worrier always have been.

FromthePinkGlitterySide · 21/05/2019 18:26

@upthewolves just wanted to say my dd was born 17th August. She is not only loving but excelling at school and always has done. She’s in year 3 now I’m so glad we sent her when we did. She loves it.

TooStressyTooMessy · 21/05/2019 18:30

I think I have felt constantly guilty since DC1 was born! It’s just my natural state now. Mum guilt is definitely a thing.

DameSylvieKrin · 21/05/2019 18:34

I expected to have guilt, but I‘m 18 months in with two of them and not a smidgen. When things go wrong I know that I‘m trying my best.
Wouldn’t you also feel guilty if the doctor prescribed medication and you didn’t give it to her?
Beware of setting yourself up a system that means you can never be happy.

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