Mum guilt - it's a thing, right?

[Indecisivelurcher]

My current 'mum guilt' is about giving my 4.5yo Dd melatonin. We've been struggling with her sleep for a year and have tried everything in the book. We've even worked with a private sleep consultant. A typical night she'll go to sleep no problem then wake at 1:30am for around an hour, during which time she'll repeatedly call me into her room. Then she's up for the day at 5:30. On a bad night, she'll barely string 2hrs together. Thankfully we don't have too many of those, but her lack of sleep has started to affect her behaviour at preschool so we've now started a months trial of melatonin, prescribed by the doctor. The idea being to help her get over what's essentially being seen as a habit of waking.

I am feeling incredibly guilty about giving this to my Dd, even though its a natural hormone and not a drug as such. And even though I am happy that we've reached this point.

I think that it's pretty common to feel guilty about things when raising kids, Even the small things; you had a headache so let them watch too much TV; you took your eyes off them for a second and they face-planted. I call this mum/parenting guilt. I mentioned my mum guilt over the melatonin to Dh and he looked 😕 and didn't get it. Similar reaction from a few colleagues over lunch.

Mum guilt is a thing, right?!

Share your stories of mum guilt...?!

Also interested to hear if dad's get the parenting guilts? Or if anyone knows the science behind this?!

What Baskerville said. It's nonsense that no one benefits from. Doesn't make it any less real, but important to remember. You wouldn't feel bad giving her medicine for other ailments, it's just because the association between drugging and sleeping (not that you're drugging her, it's just that that association exists). The doctor prescribed it, your daughter was suffering, there is no reason whatsoever to feel bad.

I don't get much mum guilt, but then I worry that that means I'm inadvertently harming ds because I'm not worrying more

Agree NC ^^ The only thing I feel guilty about is not feeling guilty I do my best (most of the time) but I am not prepared to be a martyr to motherhood. My DS is a teenager now and about to leave home for uni, honestly the things people worry about are mostly absolutely irrelevant. As a SAHM I did attend every tedious sports day and every other event that the school(s) put on, I don’t think my DS cared in the slightest, in fact I can remember him clearly saying ‘you don’t have to attend everything mum’ .

And I am so looking forward to him going to uni, I will be proud, of course, but I am also really looking forward to living my own life again, and I am not going to feel guilty about that.

Nope, fuck that. Feeling guilty for working/not working/sleep training/ whatever the fuck else you choose to indulge yourself in feeling bad about is not a thing, it's your thing.

If your kids are generally happy in life, nothing else matters. You're not getting a medal on your death bed for always wishing you could do more. I hate this crap. Nobody has ever in their life mentioned dad guilt.

OK I consider myself told 😁

Going back to work full time when she will be nine months.

FF from birth.

Letting her cry for the last five minutes of my shower so I can wash the conditioner out.

Letting her watch CBeebies in the morning so I can tidy the kitchen up.

Not doing tummy time because she screams.

Considering having another baby soonish to minimise impact on my career.

The list is growing as she grows....

Oh @sleepysleepy don't do it to yourself!

What are the bad things about having a tidy kitchen/washing your hair/giving your baby a sibling??? Nothing.

Don't buy into it, it's a terrible mindset. The fact that no man in history has thought this way should tell us all that it's a by-product of patriarchy and wifework and not the natural response to becoming a parent.

The fact that no man in history has thought this way should tell us all that it's a by-product of patriarchy and wifework and not the natural response to becoming a parent.

I couldn't agree more.

Whilst I absolutely agree it’s unreasonable to feel guilt over things out of your control or things that do not really harm your child, I still feel it. If anyone knows how to make it stop do share!

Surely it's easy to stop once you recognise it's a form of misogynistic social conditioning, not some natural or inevitable emotion intrinsic to motherhood? It doesn't make you a better mother or a better human being, it's a pointless waste of emotional energy which just gives you tools for self-torture?

I mean, I I get that it's pervasive in the cultural atmosphere, but fight it, the way you would fight any other unhelpful, sexist set of thoughts.

AudacityOfHope
Nope, fuck that. Feeling guilty for working/not working/sleep training/ whatever the fuck else you choose to indulge yourself in feeling bad about is not a thing, it's your thing.
If your kids are generally happy in life, nothing else matters. You're not getting a medal on your death bed for always wishing you could do more. I hate this crap. Nobody has ever in their life mentioned dad guilt.

I was going to type pretty much the exact same thing.

I have never felt guilt over any of my choices as a parent save for a few passing moments of doubt.

Sometimes I think I must be a cold-hearted cow because of this lack of guilt as well as not feeling sad when they start school or go off for trips without me etc.

Have faith in your choices and decisions and your dc will get their confidence from you.

Guilt al the time.

Bloody catholic unbringing!

I think you need to recognise it when you start to feel it, and then rationalise it in your own mind.

I mean,applying logic, there is no reason to attach feelings of guilt to washing their hair. The baby only cries because they can't talk. Once they talk they'll stand there and whinge for your attention instead. Then they'll get older still and you'll say 'for goodness sake go and amuse yourself while I have a shower'.

Mothers aren't actually meant to focus exclusively on their children every second of the day. That's now what we're here for: we're here to turn small people into decent adult humans. And I don't think that necessarily happens if you turn them into King or Queen of the household.

washing your hair, sorry

Parttimewasteoftime

Missing sports day tomorrow feel awful. DH and FIL going I at work.
Won't get to wave ds3 (6) off on his school tour tomorrow. I've always waved off the others and it's his first. Am gutted.

Loads of Mum guilt here too...

When she was a baby we had to put her on anti-reflux milk as the poor little thing was tortured with acid reflux! In turn the thicker milk caused her to be constipated, and she was prescribed lactulose to help with that.

Cue me feeling guilty that I had to 'drug' my baby just so she could poo

The guilt has just jumped from one thing to another since then really, even though I try my best.

See, this is something overwhelmingly positive to come out of the internet; places like MN, where parents can support each other rather than judging.

How is the melatonin working out? 3yo has slept through the night once ever.
Mum guilt is definitely a thing. I think dads can get it too but in a different way.
Surely is natural for mums to be always trying to do the best for their dc.

Melatonin report, she's slept through for 3 nights, albeit still up with the larks at 5:30! I give it to her 30mins before bed and she's out like a light. I'm talking 30 seconds. I'm trying not to jinx!!!!

How many mls do you give her? How long does gp suggest you use this for? Must be amazing for you x

It's pretty weird!!!!!! 2mg of circadin. We have a month's trial then a doctors appointment to discuss. The plan is to reduce the dose and hope its kicked her habit of waking, but I don't know how long the doc will want her to take it before we try that. I'm still expecting it to stop working... Even though that's not logical. Apparently melatonin is available over the counter in Australia, and it's seen as a common sleep aid!

Great news OP .

Those of you who don’t feel guilt? Any tips on how to reduce it if it is more feeling inadequate rather than guilty? I feel guilty about never getting enough done, house isn’t tidy enough, not on top of laundry, not a freezer full of healthy meals, not managing to to all the stuff I would like with the kids. I could go on! How do you stop that?

Plus I NEVER sit down until the end of the day. Even then I feel super guilty watching tv or something unless the house is sparkly, everything is done and I have read a parenting book. Of course none of that ever happens so I just don’t sit down or feel horrendously guilty when I do .

I don’t know what ‘tips’ I could give for not being guilty ... I guess it is either ingrained in you or not. I would never feel guilty about not doing housework etc. I like a clean home but wouldn’t dream of doing any cleaning or tidying if I was tired.
I’ve had a long day working today, I just had a bath at 8pm and now lying in bed mumsnetting, I think it is important to look after myself, I am not worrying that I am not spending ‘quality’ time with my DH or DS or doing the housework . I prioritise looking after myself .

Thanks! I need to work on my guilt definitely. I view doing anything completely for myself as incredibly selfish. I know this is wrong but it’s just how I feel.

I think you just have to decide that you've got no fucks left to give about banal shit!

Is everyone alive? Safe? Happy? Fed? Is the house in some vague sort of order?

To me that's enough. Fucked if I'm going to be on my feet doing housework until I fall into bed. Although I do recognise this is easier now that my kids are slightly older (9 and 7) and don't require my attention quite as much as when they were very small.

Another way of saying it, which sounds tough, is don’t be a martyr . It must be soul destroying to view doing anything for yourself as ‘incredibly selfish’, that’s very sad for you and I honestly doubt that your family will respect you for it, don’t end up a doormat. Plan some activities & things to do that you will enjoy.