If you could go back, would you do this whole baby thing again??

[Marghe87]

Was reading a few threads on this forum and some made me smile and think.
We obsess so much whilst looking for a pregnancy. Tracking ovulation, measuring temperature etc and being upset by BFN at the end of the month.
Then baby finally arrives and we are utterly exhausted, in need for "me" time, sometimes depressed. They grow up and go to school and things get even more complicated with people complaining they don't have time to manage it all, have to give up several aspects of their lives, relationship with DP becomes less exciting etc...
All of this just makes me wonder. Is it possible many people over dramatize this or simply can't cope? Or is it inevitable to go through stress and some sort of anxiety at every stage of life? It just seems that regardless of the direction our lives take, we are always unhappy.
Isn't this sad? What is your experience?

I'm in the TTC stage, hence why I am wondering about this.

DD is only three months old so I'm interested to know if things will change. So far I've really enjoyed it but do accept we have been blessed with an easy baby, at least currently. I've had two nights out, DP and I went to cinema with her at weekend (granted it was a Cinebabies showing but we still enjoyed doing a pre-baby thing), we do dog walks every day just like before, I really enjoy doing baby classes with her. I'm breastfeeding so get time every day on sofa under a baby to read or browse internet. If I need time to myself, DP will take her in the evening so I can nap or just chill out for a bit.

I think though that such a huge amount is dependent on sleep. If you're sleep deprived then life is so much more difficult. Severe sleep deprivation is horribly debilitating. If you have a good sleeper or the opportunity to catch up on sleep then life is a bit brighter.

We don't have any plans for more, though. I think some people 'over child' themselves, whereas one is right for us in terms of lifestyle, liking a quiet life, etc. Sometimes I think people make life far more difficult for themselves by having a third, etc. But my DD is still so little that everything might change for us and I might answer this question very differently in a few months time!

We went somewhere that has Wifi monitors so put them to bed and went to the bar for our dinner.

Do people really still do this? Leave their DC unsupervised in a foreign country? After what happened to Madeleine McCann!

It wasn't in a different country, and we were literally downstairs. All while watching the monitor.

Yes! Hoping for third and final in 2021 (I like to plan 😄)

I would of had my first baby with my partner i am with now. And would of waiting longer

I think though that such a huge amount is dependent on sleep. If you're sleep deprived then life is so much more difficult. Severe sleep deprivation is horribly debilitating. If you have a good sleeper or the opportunity to catch up on sleep then life is a bit brighter.

This is very, very true I think. We sleep trained at 8 months and I couldn't believe how much easier parenting is when you've had a decent night's sleep. It's like doing it on super easy mode (or, I suppose, having a crap sleeper is like doing it on super hard mode).

Absolutely would do it again!

I appreciate that the enjoyment factor can be greatly influenced by any number of factors and people’s individual circumstances. However, if you are ready to have children and are happy for your life to change (not necessarily for the worst) but to inevitably change then I would advocate that a lot is then down to your outlook and acceptance of the changes that occur.

Yes it’s tiring having a baby, but you can snooze through the day (if you still only have one) and in my experience, if you manage to breastfeed and safely co-sleep then you can be half asleep while they feed and then they fall off and go back to sleep each time themselves. This is much less tiring than getting fully up and out of bed yourself on each occasion and can last for quite a few months until you might get unlucky with teething or any other reason they can possibly find to wake you up. I know this is not possible for every woman and you must do whatever works for you and never pressure yourself but that setup certainly helped my baby induced loss of sleep.

My DM also gave me a great piece of advice that I used for all 4 of my DC - never to look at the clock during the night. This meant I actually wasn’t aware what time I was awake or for how long, I just occasionally knew it had been either a good night or a bad one. This means you can’t talk yourself into feeling worse by going over how little sleep you had and you find yourself not being able to join in with the chat about exact sleep loss with other mums, which imo can sometimes exacerbate everyone’s perception of how tired they are. You will also find that you start to feel like a solid 4 hour block of sleep is amazing and boosts you for days!

I was lucky and enjoyed the baby and toddler stages and always felt a bit sad when they each started primary school but while the challenges are near enough constant, some are fun to overcome and the payoff is endless!

I know I paint an easy picture and it’s not everyone’s experience but I just wanted to say that it doesn’t have to be a negative life experience and whilst it can be a struggle at times, good communication with your DP/DH helps no end. Also early resolution of the resentment stage is key. It’s no good you both having a ‘who does the most/is the most tired’ contest. You’re hopefully in it together and both have different skills to bring to the table.

Good luck ttc. Definitely the best part of my life so far and with lots to hopefully look forward to as they continue to grow up.

Absolutely besotted with my DD and have waited so long for her. Every day she grows and changes and I treasure each and every memory and can't wait to see her grow without wanting it to go fast.

But fuck no I would not do it again. And I'm not even one of those people that got a shock when she arrived. Been around babies my whole life. Knew what to expect. Coped with lack of sleep in the first few months. The routine for me is the worst part of it all. I love to be organised so it really really surprised me that I would find the routine of a baby so tieing and boring.

Also panic - ABOUT EVERYTHING at first. Admittedly that is getting better as the months go on.

I can see how the bad bits all fade into a distant memory eventually though and can imagine one day I might think 'ooh wouldn't it be nice'.

Sadly for me pregnancy wasn't easy on me or my body and it wouldn't be worth it for another one anyway - too many risks. So lucky to have my beautiful baby girl!

I think a LOT of this comes down to a few things:

• resources. We both went back to work. We have a nanny who will occasionally babysit but no family in this country. We do go out with other friends. Having paid childcare and going back to work means I am much more willing to get stuck in when I am home. Having said that we have to be RUTHLESSLY, and I mean ruthlessly organised which can be tedious. But the resources to have a nanny and a cleaner etc make a big difference. Or when we go on holiday we could buy a seat for DS2 long before he was 2. So when he was asleep I could put him down. And we would book suites or AirBnB so when the kids slept we could chat and drink a glass of wine.
• sleep. I very very gently sleep ‘trained’ both. Never leaving to cry or cry it out. Very slow step by step. It took a lot longer than 3-4 nights but they don’t just sleep well but are pretty happy to go to bed. That makes a HUGE difference.
• a DH who is genuinely an equal parent. Doesn’t automatically expect me to take time off when kids are ill. Or leave housework to me. Or swan off doing hobbies. He has to travel for work and he always makes sure he takes flights that means he can sleep and be rested so he can muck in with the kids as soon as he gets in.

I think the problems arise if you set impossible expectations for yourself. To have some sort of Instagram worthy life. I mean I was bellowing at my kids at 6:30 yesterday because they were both being fairly dickish. They were asleep by 7:30 though and I felt more kindly about them. The other thing is that some people have these pre-conceived notions of how the kids will always fit around them etc. And when it doesn’t happen or happens more slowly than they imagined it makes people feel like failures.

I would do it over again yes because my dd is worth it but it's v v difficult at times and I found the first year of her life extremely difficult
She is 3 now and I considering DC #2 but will definitely be done then and we may still stick at one child

@RaptorWhiskers why is asking family to babysit palming them off? On one hand you say you can’t go out because no one to mind them but then having family minding them is palming them off. My daughter stays in her grandparents once a month but I certainly don’t plam her off. Not sure what you expected would happen when you had a baby. Night so out are very rare, money is tight and half six is a normal get up time... that’s what I’ve always thought being a parent was as this is the life of most parents I know!

It’s HARD work but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Our parents done it for us and they survived. They aren’t babies forever and you’ll soon get some freedom!

*I think a LOT of this comes down to a few things:

• resources*

Indeed. If I could afford a nanny I could have some evenings off and even go back to work. And a cleaner and meal delivery service would significantly free up my spare time. My standard of living would be transformed. My life is only shit because I’m constantly on duty as mum/cleaner/chef with no respite.

RaptorWhiskers why is asking family to babysit palming them off?
Simply the amount of time the kids are looked after is way beyond babysitting and into the territory of parenting. I’m just jealous. Wish I had family to take my DC overnight every weekend like my friends do. They even take week long holidays without their kids. Can you imagine how much that would cost if you had to hire someone?

Raptorwhiskers I totally get it

That's all I have to say really, I don't want to derail the thread.

I'm literally just treading water until my son gets a few years older, I find it hard to be honest how I feel about motherhood, even to strangers on a forum!

raptor are you really saying that all your friends have family who have the DC every weekend? That's very unusual. I don't know anyone who has that. We do have family help, for which I'm very grateful (my parents and DH's parents alternate having DS on a Wednesday) but we're actually quite unusual among our friends in having that as not many people we know live close enough to their parents for it to be viable. We haven't had a night out the two of us since DS was born and we both do a lot of evening work so we can leave work earlier in the afternoon to be around for DS - but that doesn't seem unusual or like a particular hardship to me.

My parents are three hours away. My partner's parents are dead. That's something we thought about when deciding when to TTC as we don't have any real support here, but ultimately we felt the time was right for us and we would make it work. Among my friends, I would say most don't have a huge amount of help from parents. Maybe the odd night of babysitting once in a while, but certainly not every weekend in most cases. But then most of my friends are no longer living in their hometown where their parents live.

You sound very down, Raptor. Have you spoken to a GP about PND?

You just need to adjust expectations when you become a parent I think. Life won't ever be the same, but you don't have to miss out on everything you used to do or be a martyr to parenthood. You just adjust what you do to fit in with your family of three (or however many) and find enjoyment in new things. I never thought bending over a baby waving a coloured scarf and singing would bring me joy, but it does. And one child I think fits generally quite well into life and isn't as much of a bind in that sense as multiple.

Dd is 15 months and I'm due dd2 in July.

Parenting is exhausting and hard af but I love my daughter so much and she watching her grow into this awesome little person makes my heart melt, hence why we're doing it all over again.

There are parts I love and parts I don't like but that just comes with the territory.
In her life she has had 4 nights away from me and DH so I don't exactly 'palm her off' but we still have great times as a family.

I find that having a group of mum friend's really helps. It's a nice distraction from the day to day monotony.

raptor are you really saying that all your friends have family who have the DC every weekend?
This village is the sort of place where families have lived for generations so grandparents and aunts/uncles are nearby. And people tend to have kids young so grandparents are often only in their 40s-50s. It’s very common for grandparents to do childcare so parents can work, and to have DC for weekends and overnight stays so parents can go out. I’m really unusual in not having anyone to hand my DC over to. I didn’t realise beforehand that my parents would be unable to handle looking after my DC, and parenting is a whole different ball game when you have no respite.

I think that the things that we find most challenging in life are often also the things that bring us the most satisfaction. Yes, there are times when I've found having 2 children with a small age gap exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming, but that doesn't mean I regret doing it or that it makes me sad and miserable.

I may also have a job I really enjoy and have worked hard to get there, but that doesn't mean I can't have the odd day when I moan about a colleague or something that has happened in work. Same goes for parenting, it has its up and downs, like anything in life, and we all should feel be able to vent those feelings when we need to, rather than feeling like we have to bottle them up because we should be so grateful for what we have.

I have a nearly 4 year old and a 19m old. I have zero plans to have more kids though. Definitely done.

Sleep makes a huge difference. My DD is finally mostly sleeping all night every night and I feel like I’m getting my life back a bit.

But yes also some additional income makes it bearable. We have no family so we choose to pay babysitters because I need to be able to go out with DH sometimes to feel normal. A recent revelation is a daytime babysitter, we go for lunch or an early dinner and no worries about the babysitter having to do bedtime. I also send my DD to nursery for one morning a week so I can get some time to myself. I’m glad I can afford this!

I do go out a few times a month with friends though without DH, and DH has a weekly hobby that he’s out one night a week.

It's took 2.5 years and IVF to have DS who is now 4. Love having him and have never regretted it for a moment. He was a fairly easy baby, ate and slept well. I have a great DH who does pick ups and I do drop offs, shares housework equally and supports me as a working mother.

I've had many many many nights out in my younger days, parties, stayed out all night, partied all weekend, etc. Some of my best moments now are pottering around the house with DS and DH. Wouldn't swap it for anything in the world.

Even the moments when DS is testing my patience, not listening and running me ragged that is still better than anywhere else I could be or anyone else I could be with.

Desperate for another!

Yes but, I would delay it another few years.

We chose to have our DS a bit later, I had well and truly lived my younger life to the full as was completely ready for the next stage. So we decided to start trying, then nothing happened, so we thought we couldn't and planned our life without children.

Then boom I'm 15 weeks pregnant when the docs told me...amazing.

I expected the first stages to be sooo much harder than they were, yes I was sleep deprived (only just coming out of that at 20months 😳😳). I had never had much contact with babies and not maternal.

I absolutely love it and would not change a thing. My DS brings a joy to my life like nothing else could. I am constantly worrying about something with him, is he eating enough, is he drinking enough, is he sleeping enough, is he growing ok, what will the world be like when he is older...the list just goes on. but I just love it, it makes me feel so sad that we might have given up and never had him in our life.

It has changed my priorities, he makes me a better person. I can not emphasise enough how much it has completed us in a way I never thought we needed. I could gush on forever.

I wouldn't change a thing about my life now, I'm the happiest and most content I have ever been.

Mine are both grown up now and I'm too old to do it again unless I had my youth back. But yes, if I could go back in time I'd do it again. Was in my early-mid 30s, steady relationship, very hands-on partner, but no other respite (parents abroad and/or frail and elderly).

Don't think the sleep deprivation as such was so bad, but eldest child had health problems and as she grew up has had to accept that she will be disabled and in poor health for life. That made some of her baby time difficult too as she struggled to feed.

But it was not the case that I could never go out just because we didn't have family around. Dh was there and that made all the difference. I went to conferences, I went out with friends, I didn't turn into a hermit. And I wasn't the only person who had to think and plan- there were two of us.

And we very much enjoyed our family holidays. With holidays, I think it depends on what kind of holiday you enjoy. We were always more museums, hill walking, active kind of holiday and that you can still do with a baby or a toddler. Sunbathing by the pool is harder.

I am the happiest I've ever been since having DD. It's completely made me realise what's worth worrying about in life and what just isn't. No complaints from me and I'd happily do it again if I was lucky enough.

Yes and I did. I had my ds and dd at the age of 26 and 28 with ex P. I had done quite a bit of socialising and a bit of travelling prior to that. I moved out at 18 to go to uni and never went back. Ex MIL sometimes would babysit or I'd go out and ex P would look after them. I split up with him about 6 years ago and yes it was tough being a single parent but you learn to cope and your priorities change. If I'm honest I only went out when I was younger to try and get a partner or flirt.

I know I'm older now (39) but last year my current partner and I had a baby. (I always said I might if I met someone and things were right) and it's the best thing ever! He never wanted to have DCs before meeting me as didn't feel responsible enough. But the good thing about that is we really did both get it both out of our system when we were younger. She's 13 mths and I absolutely am loving the baby stage. I know it goes far too quick and felt maybe I didn't enjoy it enough the first time. People say is it hard 'going back' but it's really nothing to go back to. The 12 and 10 year old are harder work by miles. The baby stage is easy! We are not bothered about 'going out' or if we do, we go separately or do things as a family. I don't understand why people have kids and then spend their whole time wishing for their 'freedom' back. We've got all we want here. My dsis lost her first baby, he was stillborn and I remember her saying that if she was lucky enough to have any more she'd cherish every moment. Even getting up in the night. That stuck with me.

My Nan had 11 DCs, she's outlived 2 of them and my grandad died a few years ago. I'm sure it's been hectic and hard work for her and far from a bed of roses but you take the rough with the smooth. She's nearly 90 now and if you pop in randomly at any time, guaranteed at least 3 other family members (either DCs, grand DCs or great grand DCs, or in laws) will be there. Loads more on special occasions. I know you shouldn't have kids to keep you company but I'm so glad my Nan always has a full house rather than sat lonely in a nursing home on her own. She's reaping the rewards for her years of hard work.

@AlphaJura that's so lovely about your nan! She must be a fantastic woman if everyone wants her company 😊