If you could go back, would you do this whole baby thing again??

[Marghe87]

Was reading a few threads on this forum and some made me smile and think.
We obsess so much whilst looking for a pregnancy. Tracking ovulation, measuring temperature etc and being upset by BFN at the end of the month.
Then baby finally arrives and we are utterly exhausted, in need for "me" time, sometimes depressed. They grow up and go to school and things get even more complicated with people complaining they don't have time to manage it all, have to give up several aspects of their lives, relationship with DP becomes less exciting etc...
All of this just makes me wonder. Is it possible many people over dramatize this or simply can't cope? Or is it inevitable to go through stress and some sort of anxiety at every stage of life? It just seems that regardless of the direction our lives take, we are always unhappy.
Isn't this sad? What is your experience?

I'm in the TTC stage, hence why I am wondering about this.

@RaptorWhiskers

The worst part for me is pregnancy. I love having a baby - my DS is 2 and now pregnant with the second! I haven't found it a huge strain at all tbh (pregnancy planned, late twenties with DS, DH and I don't feel our marriage has suffered at all really). In fact it's just as well I dislike being pregnant so much as I'd want loads more otherwise!

@RaptorWhiskers - sounds like you still have a very little one. It does get better! We don't have anyone to help but we do use a babysitter about twice a year so not a big expense. Does it matter so much if the child doesn't settle if you're not there? Also I have never put a child to bed at 8pm on holiday - it's really not necessary to give up on what you want entirely.

To answer the question, I am not sure! I didn't find the baby stage too taxing when I was at home - juggling work and school and a relationship has been harder.

@RaptorWhiskers - sounds like you still have a very little one
Not quite one and a half. My life has been a misery since the second he was born. I love him but I have nothing but regret about how everything I enjoyed has been taken away from me.

DCs are 3 months and 3 years so it's still early days. I prefer life now than before having children. There are bad bits of course e.g. tantrums and night wakings (although DC2 sleeps better than DC1 did as a baby) and more time is spent on mundane chores e.g. washing the floor! We were a bit bored and lacking a 'project' before having DCs. In our case we both work part time, which is the right balance for us. (For me, not working full time is amazingly freeing but I would struggle being a SAHP). We both pull our weight so still both get to have lie-ins, nights out, chill time. (Not so much right now whilst I'm breastfeeding but I don't mind that as its fairly short lived). Things like holidays and meals out with DCs aren't as frequent or as good/relaxing but are still enjoyable. I hope this might improve with age but I may be naive! We do have willing babysitters (grandparents) although we don't ask them often, but I can imagine never having the option would feel restricting. It's tough because you can never really know what it will be like before you have children.

we do use a babysitter about twice a year
I used to go out 2-4 nights a week. What a disappointment to have that reduced to twice a year. This is exactly why parenthood is so miserable. Because it’s normal to only have two nights a year to yourself.

I was in my 30s, good job, own house, had two DC five years apart. The first was a HUGE shock even though I planned it. Unless you have a child you are responsible for 24/7 it is hard to describe. Yes he brought me joy and I love him dearly but my god that first year and a bit was hard. You lack freedom, every little thing has to be planned and they give back not a great deal. DS1 is now 7 and a lovely chatty person who shares many of my interests. DS2 is 2 and with him I knew what to expect so when the bad phases hit I knew they would pass. He’s a super cute toddler but he’s also hard work in his own way.

And yes I would do it again.

Holidays: we holiday with them a lot. Lots of long haul. We adjust our expectations and keep our days planned and limited. It is wonderful to see the world through their eyes.
Both are reasonably good sleepers. Both breastfed. No sleep training. When they are in bed and asleep DH and I have used babysitters to go out occasionally. But now that the mind numbing boredom of the baby stage is over and I have two potty trained kids we have much greater freedom.
We still go to concerts and DS1 is very musical and plays in an orchestra so he comes with us sometimes if it is not too late.
We take turns with lie ins. It’s incredibly important to me that DH is an equal parent and he is. Never ever moans and whinges and does whatever housework is necessary without being nagged. And whatever needs doing for the kids. So we have both been able to have reasonable careers.
The kids are both in bed or asleep at a reasonable hour so we have a few hours free time every day to read or watch TV or have uninterrupted adult conversation. Sometimes we are tired and in bed by 8 but again, now that I am not cluster feeding a baby, doing night feeds etc, the evenings are a lot more pleasant.

I would do it a million times over. But I was 37, I'd done most things I wanted to do and I was already bored with nights out and travel and lie ins. It took us 4 years to conceive.

He is the best thing that ever happened to me. He makes me and my husband belly laugh almost every hour. Our relationship is stronger (although we do have less 1-1 time). I was already pretty happy in life but I see the world through his eyes now and it's magical.

He did wake me every 30 mins last night though because he's feeling snotty .. so that's a downside

My little boy will be 4 in September. Of course I love him to bits and always will. But I do miss the baby stage. I've always said I'd like 2 children, with 5-6 years between them. So my first will be at school by the time the second is here. Hopefully we will have another in a few years. But truthfully I wouldn't change any of it and I am looking forward to doing it again, especially the baby stage.

What a disappointment to have that reduced to twice a year.
I wouldn't say it's a disappointment. We knew we didn't have family to help and that if you have young children, you can't leave them on their own! But if you were going out four nights a week beforehand then surely you must have expected it to be more difficult to continue? BTW I meant twice a year just me and DH - we do go out with the kids too, that gets easier when they are a bit bigger!

Raptor, do you not go out without your dh? You only need a babysitter if you’re both going out. Obviously nights out with your dh are seriously reduced...

I love all the stages, from babies, to toddlers, to teenagers.
I wouldn't change them apart from who fathered them I'd def change that.
Motherhood is def for me. I love seeing them grow up.

I loved the baby stage. 1st was hard going, didnt want to bf and couldn't find a bottle/milk combo that suited, bad wind used to throw up loads if feeds, broken nights, very early wakings etc. Dc2 much better decided to bf, took to it well did loads of research on here first. No wind or feeding issues, coslept sometimes and that made life so much easier. Dc3 was a doddle, bf for 3 yrs! Coslept as much as needed, didn't care what anyone thought. Whether that's because I was a lot more relaxed and confident or whether dc3 was an easy baby I don't know. Now have a teen, primary and preschool age, all fine but I do treasure those baby days.

Of course you have to change and sacrifice time.unless.ypu have millions to.pay household.staff or 24/7 nannies.
If you have a typical child it will.change and get better it s just for next 12 years or so then they can babysit themselves ha ha or you arrange sleepovers...

I think if life is feeling terrible.you need to seek.some therapy and support. It isn't a way to live. For you or dc. CBT can be useful...

I have disabled d's and dd with medical.issues and ex who had crisis and was abusive.. it s been tough. I dont regret it. Dc are awesome. But I m a positive person generally. I also.had counselling which helped to.deal.with things i had no control.over....if you are generally anxious then you can get help.and support.

If you decide the mountain climb will be only hard and won't be worth it (or you have untreated anxiety as seen in my exp) then it will be ; and you won't ever be able to enjoy the view at the top...or the small flowers en route.you will only see the stones.

Mine is still little but having a baby is indescribably better than I ever expected and I was dead keen on the idea having ttc with multiple losses for years.

I’m a SM so family life isn’t new to me - no money, not much time off, restrictions on time and opportunities, early wake ups, snotty noses, grazed knees etc. I adore them but becoming a SM was much harder than becoming a mum, so far anyway. It also gave me a chance to see what sort of dad my husband would be/is and he’s the best father I’ve ever met, and I knew he’d be a stand up partner, endlessly patient, wise, funny, generous, kind, thoughtful and loving and supportive.

I didn’t think I could love him more but watching him change her nappy, make silly faces at her, bring me snacks when I’m feeding her, I do.

Now I can’t have holidays. There’s no point when you have to spend the whole time supervising a child instead of relaxing, stay sober and be back in your room for 8pm to put your child to bed.

This is bollocks. We've just been away (for the second time) with our 17 month old. We went somewhere that has Wifi monitors so put them to bed and went to the bar for our dinner. And we did t stay sober by the way.

No lie ins.

Yeah this is true. But it makes us better people as we're up and about getting stuff done or having fun.

No enjoyable meals because I’m always feeding and entertaining a child and cleaning the floor afterwards.

We enjoy our meals when the toddler has gone to bed. Totally enjoyable. Floors need cleaning with or without children.

No nights out because babysitters cost a fortune and the child won’t settle.

We have a great babysitter that I found on the bubble app. Guess you'll need to have sorted out the sleep beforehand though. We get our toddler to sleep then leave.

No money to go out anyway because kids cost a fortune.

That's personal circumstances.

No nights in either because I can’t get drunk in charge of a child and I’m constantly being interrupted.

Our toddler sleeps in his own room, we aren't interrupted and we drink moderately.

No peace to read or watch tv.

One simply must sort out bedtime and sleep.

Now I realise you can only have a life if you have family members to regularly palm your child off on.

Utter bullshit. I don't have a single family member around and I've only ever left my toddler with family twice.

Raptor, do you not go out without your dh?
I did used to go out without him. It didn’t affect me if he worked late or went on a business trip. Now it does affect me - I can’t go out until he gets home, and he gets home too late or not at all. At weekends we used to go out together and that’s impossible now.

Nope i’d not do it again.

We enjoy our meals when the toddler has gone to bed
They don’t all sleep. Mine takes ages to put to bed and won’t stay there. Unfortunately you can’t pre-order a good sleeper, you get what you’re given.

We went somewhere that has Wifi monitors so put them to bed and went to the bar for our dinner
Do people really still do this? Leave their DC unsupervised in a foreign country? After what happened to Madeleine McCann!

People are a lot nicer to people with babies. Older children are not as welcomed.

I know i'd feel exactly the same as Raptor, which is why I don't have children. I look at parents and wonder what the hell they thought about it looked appealing.

We're not all cut out for parenthood. Thank god these days we have the choice

Raptor - i hope things improve for you.

I'd have another if I could elect to have one that came out already aged 12 months. It was fine just the once because of the novelty value, but I'm not remotely a baby person. I don't find them cute (puppies and kittens are cute), it's incredibly stressful that they can't tell you how they are or let you know if they're in pain, and it's very lonely until they work out how to talk back. I love toddlers and kids generally.

I have a 10 month old, born when I was 31 after two years (and three miscarriages) of trying. I have found parts of it really hard (I didn't enjoy 3-7 months, which is actually a very short time but felt endless and interminable), but I have never once regretted having him. Having him was the joint best decision of my life, along with marrying DH. We're doing it our way (we're very equal parents; I went back to work at 6 months and he took 4 months parental leave and now we're both back at work it feels very 50-50) and we have an awfully long way to go! But right now I'm happier than I've ever been.

We found there was a massive dropping off of our social life between about 28 and 31, mostly as people (including us) moved out of the city. That was really hard while TTCing because it felt like we had no baby and no life, but in hindsight I'm glad I saw that because if I had had him at 28 when we were first trying I would have attributed it all to having a baby and it wasn't.

I remember saying to DH when he was first born that I was so glad I hadn't known how amazing it would feel to hold him when I was going through the miscarriages because I already found it so hard to cope with the idea that it might never happen for us - if I'd known quite how much I'd love him it would have been even worse