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Parenting

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Original poster

We want to holiday alone FOR ONCE

89 replies

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 15:15

We recently booked our first holiday abroad. We want to go just me, my son (who has a progressive disease) and my partner. Every holiday we have been on in uk my parents have booked it, even though they have been like Haven type things that they hate anyway.

Anyway, everything was getting too much, them being domineering, trying to control how we bring up our boy (i am 33 and my partner 41) and we tried to talk to them, it ended up in a argument but the dust has settled. My dad is a heavy drinker and that causes problems too. They said they would back off a bit in the end.

We have booked allicante, said can you feed our cat when you are passing for these specific dates. They said ok. Then I have gone to their house today and they said sorry we can't feed the cat we are on holiday that week. I said ok ...the neighbour will do it.

They have booked the same flights, same resort! I told them we specifically wanted to go on holidsy just us three as we have had such an awful year with my son being so ill in the past and everything is better at the moment. I am so angry they have done this after telling them not to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 19:53

Im not sure how they do it, but they sonehow manage to turn it round so that i haven't communicated something so they have misunderstood, say im mentally unstable due to my sons illness therefore i must of got it wrong, im being overdramatic. Im not sure how they do it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/05/2019 20:00

Seriously you need to go extremely low contact and if that doesn't work NC.

They are not going to be reasonable!!!

Tolleshunt · 13/05/2019 20:14

It doesn't matter what they say. They can say what they like, it doesn't make it true. You are not responsible for their thoughts or feelings.

YOU decide what, if any, contact they have with you and your DS. If they fail to listen to a clear communication, you will have to enforce it with your actions. They can't force you to leave your son with them. They can't force you to holiday with them, or even speak to them.

If they step over the line, you need to ensure there is an immediate consequence. Think of it like training a dog. They will get it. And if they don't you go extremely LC or even NC.

It's down to you. You can do it, but you do actually have to do it.

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General parenting

Sparkletastic · 14/05/2019 19:16

Fucking hell. Sounds like they are gaslighting you. You honestly need to massively cut back on your contact for your own and your DS' sake.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 14/05/2019 21:51

But @sparkletastic this sounds like they are awful people. Like 75 % of the time they are kind. They just let themselves down with this. Its all very confusing for me. Am I paranoid? Am i overreacting. I don't know whats real anymore :-(

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RandomMess · 14/05/2019 21:53

You are not paranoid you are not unreasonable they are massively overstepping your boundaries, it is not ok at all.

Wolfiefan · 14/05/2019 22:00

I think their behaviour entirely warrants seeing them rarely or not at all.
Never tell them your plans.
Hang up if they call and give you grief.
Don’t let them in if they turn up to give you grief.
And never ever minimise their unacceptable behaviour.

Sparkletastic · 14/05/2019 22:02

Are they really kind most of us he time? Or just when you do what they want and behave how they want you to?

SpoonBlender · 14/05/2019 22:05

"Am I paranoid?" NO.

Look at what you're saying - "they somehow manage to turn it round so that i haven't communicated something so they have misunderstood, say im mentally unstable due to my sons illness therefore i must of got it wrong, im being overdramatic."

They're gaslighting you, pure and simple.

AnotherEmma · 14/05/2019 22:12

You need to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and probably get some therapy.

I don't know what you're going to do about the holiday but obviously don't ask them to bloody cat-sit in future. Get a neighbour, friend or professional pet sitter to do it! And don't even tell them you're going on holiday, don't put it on your calendar.

Why would you tell them the exact flights and accommodation FFS 🙄

Original poster

Jackandjane · 14/05/2019 22:22

No no like they have done so many kind things for both me and my partner for no reason other than they love us. They just both seem to have some major personality flaw where they are controlling and domineering. Which they might be able to be trained not to do? If i start standing up for myself? I don't know.

And i didnt tell them the exact flight! There are only two the day we are going amd they picked the right one 🤷‍♀️

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midsummabreak · 14/05/2019 22:36

They will only see the light if you are very firm,and carry on with your holiday exactly as planned. But really you shouldnt have to stress about this on your holiday. Have you checked if you can change the dates yet?

RandomMess · 14/05/2019 22:36

I think they probably do those kind things to increase your dependence/gratitude towards them so it is easier for them to carry on controlling and dominating you...

midsummabreak · 14/05/2019 22:43

SpoonBlender makes sense , that the reason for you questioning you are paranoid, is your parents are gaslighting you.
That is why you are unsure, questioning yourswlf, after being told by your parents, who's. judgement on you should be able to trust as in your best interests, that
'you are mentally unstable due to your son's illness and therefore you must gave got it all wrong.. '

midsummabreak · 14/05/2019 22:45

*Apologies for errors in typing

Wolfiefan · 14/05/2019 22:52

Doing nice things for my kids because I love them doesn’t allow me to be controlling and domineering and refuse to let them holiday alone as adults.
You shouldn’t have to control or rein in their behaviour. Make it clear what you expect. They can either learn to act in an acceptable way or stay away.
Don’t tell them. Where you might holiday. The dates (get a cat sitter). Then they can’t ever do this again.
And yes I bet they will expect you not to use a nursery. Time to put your foot down. Be clear. Say few words. Don’t apologise. Then leave them to react without you there. Their behaviour isn’t your problem to solve.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 14/05/2019 23:38

Well tonight I took my son to see them, they asked about looking after him whilst i was at work and i said ive put him in nursery. My mum looks so hurt. I hope they dont think im trying to be spiteful:-( its breaking my heart but this is the first time I've done something like this x

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Original poster

Jackandjane · 14/05/2019 23:39

And they asked no questions about why the arrangement has changed from them looking after him to him being put in nursery.

Which is weird.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 14/05/2019 23:40

And you don’t mention the holiday?!
You aren’t responsible for their happiness. He’s not their child. Stop letting them guilt you into doing what they want.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 14/05/2019 23:45

They were being unusually reasonable about the nursery thing. So reasonable in fact that its making me anxious lol.

If i bring up the holiday, i know exactly what they will say:

"we booked those dates because we were under the impression we were looking after the child whilst u at work "

"we had already planned to go to that destination. Its nothing to do with you where we are going."

I cant actually argue with that.

OP posts:

Tolleshunt · 15/05/2019 01:17

You don't need to argue with them! You seem very invested in what they say. The world is full of people who will say any old shit to get their own way. Your parents are two such.

If you feel the need to say anything, say whatever you like along the lines of 'pull the other one'. But don't get involved in the detail of what they say.

Stop waiting for them to give you permission to speak. So what if they say that? It doesn't have to be a 2-way conversation at all, anyway. Just set your boundaries:

'Don't be ridiculous. We both know you hadn't already booked it, stop trying to take me for a fool. Like I said, if you show up there, don't expect to spend any time with us, as we are holidaying alone.

And then do just that regardless of what they say.

RandomMess · 15/05/2019 06:26

They say those things and your response is "that's utter bullshit and you know it"

Original poster

Jackandjane · 15/05/2019 07:37

I know :-( i know its not right or normal. I guess this nursery thing is the first step of asserting my dominance. I think what makes this worse is I said some awful cruel thibgs to them when I lost it a few weeks ago. They will be hurt, wondering how they ended up with such an ungrateful spiteful girl. But this is out of character for me to say these things. So in time the might thibk about why this happened. Although I bet they will think this is something to do with my partner poisoning my mind, rather than me speaking my own mind. He is super pissed off, and has never spoken out of turn before to them. So surely they must be able to accept this may have happened because of them. Not me.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/05/2019 07:44

Why don't you just say

"You've wasted your money if you think you will be spending time with us on holiday. The three of us need to spend time together alone to regroup. If you spoil our plans for this it will change things forever."

No discussion no argument just lay your line in the sand. Do you know what hotel they have booked into?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 15/05/2019 07:47

Be an adult.

Stop pussyfooting around the issue that you wanted to have a holiday just with you and your DP and your DS. Hangers on will not be accommodated, no matter who they are.
Hoike up your big girl pants and talk to them about the holiday. Say to them that your feeling hurt that they would do something like this. That you're feeling disappointed that they appeared to have gone behind your back and booked the same time, same destination and possibly the same accommodation for the holiday you said was to be just you, your DP and your DS with no one else.
They can be as pissed as they like but they clearly have no issues running roughshod over your requests. If they have the time to select an alternative holiday, it should be them that reschedules and adjusts their holiday plans, not you.

Don't lie to them about cancelling your holiday because you can't. Get it out into the open and say that you're so disappointed that they clearly couldn't leave you alone for a second. What you decide to do with your DS when you start work is up to you and what works for you (not them). They really don't care that much about your feelings or wants or needs because if they did, they wouldn't have done this.

Good luck with it.

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