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Parenting

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Original poster

We want to holiday alone FOR ONCE

89 replies

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 15:15

We recently booked our first holiday abroad. We want to go just me, my son (who has a progressive disease) and my partner. Every holiday we have been on in uk my parents have booked it, even though they have been like Haven type things that they hate anyway.

Anyway, everything was getting too much, them being domineering, trying to control how we bring up our boy (i am 33 and my partner 41) and we tried to talk to them, it ended up in a argument but the dust has settled. My dad is a heavy drinker and that causes problems too. They said they would back off a bit in the end.

We have booked allicante, said can you feed our cat when you are passing for these specific dates. They said ok. Then I have gone to their house today and they said sorry we can't feed the cat we are on holiday that week. I said ok ...the neighbour will do it.

They have booked the same flights, same resort! I told them we specifically wanted to go on holidsy just us three as we have had such an awful year with my son being so ill in the past and everything is better at the moment. I am so angry they have done this after telling them not to do that.

OP posts:

AnnaMagnani · 12/05/2019 18:04

Tell them less stuff!

And if they don't forgive you, so what? It's them that lose out, not you. You actually want them to have less involvement in your lives.

You need a cat sitter/ cattery/ neighbour. Calender that lives in a drawer or use a google calender that they don't have access to.

And cut down on how much you tell them about your lives, a lot. At the moment you are just providing them with free ammunition.

DonkeyHohtay · 12/05/2019 18:07

Sometimes I think I live in a parallel universe as nobody know would even think this was remotely acceptable.

What are they thinking??? Agree, no sharing of plans about holidays, ever. Wanting to accompany you on every break is very, very weird.

DonkeyHohtay · 12/05/2019 18:14

they would never forgive me if i dont givevthe daily updates on my son

This is even weirder. Fucks sake woman, you are 33. You are not a child who needs to check in with mum and dad. This whole checking the calendar stuff and having to hide it - just NO. Time to stop living in each other's pockets and cut the apron strings.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General parenting

Original poster

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 18:22

I know its fucking weird. Like i told them to stop harassing me last week and this is how they are playing it now. They gave us a deposit for a house 6 years ago. This is the problem.

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Original poster

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 18:26

Also i always think what if they die. And they think ive been nasty to them.

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Tolleshunt · 12/05/2019 18:34

I agree that you sound very enmeshed. This is a really unhealthy dynamic. They are acting in a way that is designed to stop you becoming your own adult.

Why haven't you lost your shit with them about this? Told them that under no circumstances do you want them on your holiday with you, that it's extremely weird that they did this following for conversation, and that if they persist with their plans you will not be speaking to them, either on the holiday, or when you are back home?

somecakefather · 12/05/2019 18:43

Also i always think what if they die. And they think ive been nasty to them

Listen, in my experience we will always find something to feel guilty about when a parent dies. I had a great relationship with my mother, I looked after her when she was ill. When she died, the guilt of everything that we ever bickered about was overwhelming, even thoughts of teenage arguments tortured me. I have a few friends who have said the same thing.

I have a friend whose mother was awful to her, but when her mother died, she suddenly became a saint to her and tried to convince herself that she wasn't really that bad to her(she was), that was her way of dealing with the guilt of saying the truth when the woman was living. Death brings up complex emotions when a parent dies no matter how we got on with them.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 19:35

They just keep using the excuse that they love my son (their only grandson).

They are very kind in alot of ways. But have suddenly turned very petty and weird since ive kind of laid down the law. Ive been through enough dealing with my sons illness. As soon as his feeding tube came out and i weaned him off his meds at 1 year old it was like give him to us and you get a job. When that didnt happen how they wanted it to the toys came out the pram. Started being more domineering. Now i have got a job and im putting him in nursery full time instead of giving him to them. I feel they have given me no choice.

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Tolleshunt · 12/05/2019 19:48

They just keep using the excuse that they love my son (their only grandson).

Doesn't give them any right whatsoever to trample on your rights or wishes.

Two separate issues.

Would it help to rehearse some stock phrases/answers before any dealings with them?

'I love how much you care for DS, but we are holidaying alone'

'I appreciate your love for DS, but I specifically told you we were holidaying alone. We are still doing that. If you persist in trying to tag along, we will fall out. I'm sure none of us want that.'

Don't forget - you have DS, therefore you have the power.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 20:01

Anyways im going to tell them we have cancelled everything, lost our deposits and going to a different place completely. Hopefully they will cancel theirs and then go there. Then we can holiday in fucking peace for once in our miserable lives lol.

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Tolleshunt · 12/05/2019 21:31

You can do that, of course, but it just perpetuates the dynamic.

Skirting round the issue will either result in them being there with you on holiday anyway, or, if you are lucky, they will cancel this time, but the same thing keeps happening. And what will you do if they find they can't cancel?

ursuslemonade · 12/05/2019 21:38

Next time (if you must mention anything) say that your dp keeps the destination a surprise from you.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 12/05/2019 21:41

@tolleshunt...because I was literally shouting the odds only one week ago about how they are controlling, I want leaving alone, stop guilt tripping me into stuff I don't want to do...my mother burst into tears and said they will back off. I thiught it had really gone in.

But now they have gone crazy level 100. Like nothing went in at all and they are just being outrageous now. What do I even do with that??

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Tolleshunt · 12/05/2019 22:18

They are doing it because you have not put in place any consequences. They know they can get away with it.

To get it to stop, you will need to erect firm boundaries, and then enforce them by enacting consequences when they cross the line, e.g. 'You will not be coming on holiday with us. If you try to turn up in the same place you will ruin our holiday, and we will not spend any time with you, or even speak to you, both there and when we return home.'

Then if they do turn up you follow through. This means you really do NOT engage with them at all. You do not holiday with them. You do not even speak to them. If you go down to the pool and they are there, you go to the beach, etc.

It sounds like they have done a real job on you, where you feel you cannot maintain normal boundaries with them, and they feel entitled to ride rough-shod over your wishes and attempts at autonomy.

None of this is normal, this is not how competent, loving parents behave. Normal parents do not seek to control their adult children in this way. You may need help to deal with if. The 'stately homes' thread on here may be helpful.

Bookaholic73 · 13/05/2019 16:56

I wouldn’t lie about cancelling, as you won’t be dealing with the issue, you’ll just be avoiding it.

You need to sit down with them and have a serious conversation about needing your own life away and independent from them.

Tell them that they either stop the domineering possessive behaviour or you’ll give them no choice in the matter by removing you and your child/ren from their lives.

Jeez, you are an adult woman, not a kid. They need telling.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 17:17

@bookaholic I had this conversation with them only last week! They said they understood. Lol.

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Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 17:21

I mean obviously I cant cut them off just because they are fucking mental. I think Im just going to have to have limited contact with them.

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Bookaholic73 · 13/05/2019 17:22

But you didn’t follow through, that’s the problem. They know they can get away with it because you let them.

Drum2018 · 13/05/2019 17:29

Change accommodation and don't say a word. Surely the area is big enough that you won't bump into them if they do show up in Alicante. And obviously don't say a word about where you are going ever again - or say France and go to Portugal. Turn off your phone when you get there. No need to update anyone daily on any part of your lives, that is nonsense so stop feeding into it. You really need to step away from them for a while to get the message through that they do not have any control over you.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 17:30

Well.one thing us they seem to still think they will be takimg care of my son whilst im at work. But he starts full time nursery in 2 days when i start my job. Thats following through with something. I dobt know what their reaction will be.

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DonkeyHohtay · 13/05/2019 17:44

I mean obviously I cant cut them off just because they are fucking mental

Personally, I think the fact that they are fucking mental is excellent grounds for cutting them off.

Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 17:49

Aw but @donkeyHohtay they have been good parents at times. Really helped me out in the past. They have just gone super crazy recently. X

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Tolleshunt · 13/05/2019 17:51

they seem to still think they will be takimg care of my son whilst im at work.

Have you told them directly that they won't be?

You CAN cut them off. Or you can erect strong boundaries on your terms and enforce them. But you are not doing so at present. This is likely because of the way they have trained you not to be an autonomous adult.

This dynamic is not good for you, and it's not good for your son.

The person with the power, here, is you. Start using it!

Original poster

Jackandjane · 13/05/2019 19:06

Oops. I just realised. Maybe because they still have it in their heads that they will be looking after my son whilst im at work (they are not I already told them this but it doest seem to have gone in) thats why they have booked that exact week we are away too ?

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Sparkletastic · 13/05/2019 19:15

Just how clear are you being with them? If your clear verbal messages aren't being received then write or email them.

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