2 week holiday without baby

[Bambam60]

Hi all, I'm interested in getting your views on this.

DH and I planned (and partly booked) a 2 week holiday whilst I was pregnant with DS. It's a once in a lifetime sort of trip, and unfortunately one that wouldn't be safe for a baby. We're due to go away next year when DS is 16 months old.

When we were planning it, I honestly thought I'd be okay leaving my DS. My parents have said they'd be happy to take him and we're a really close family. I trust them implicitly and I know they wouldn't do anything I wouldn't want them to. We spend so much time there I'd be happy that DS would feel comfortable and safe in their company.

Problem is, now he's here, I can't bare the thought of leaving him for that long...especially given I can't really explain to him why we won't be there. At the end of the day he probably will be fine...but it breaks my heart at the thought of him crying for me or being inconsolable. Might he even forget me?!

We haven't booked the whole trip yet, only part of it because the place we're staying in for the first week gets booked up years in advance usually. This means that week 2 of the holiday hasn't yet been booked.

My DH doesn't feel the way I do and is incredibly keen to get away just us 2. He has acknowledged that we won't be having any other solo holidays for a very long time, but I think because of that he feels he needs one more trip for just us. In some ways, I feel like to be the best parent you need to be the best version of yourself; and sometimes getting away and focusing on you and your relationship can really help with that. I also need my DH to feel like his feelings matter too, but I'm really struggling with the thought of leaving DS - and findings ways to vocalise that to DH because he just doesn't get it.

I had a thought that maybe we could do the 1st week together alone, but then spend the 2nd week away somewhere family friendly so DS could join us. That way, my DH gets his 2 week break and time alone, and I hopefully feel far less anxious...

I'm interested in people's view on this? Has anyone gone away for 2 weeks before without their child? Do you think it would really affect him at that age if I did?

Thanks for reading

No way could I do this. I would look into cancelling the trip or getting DH to go with a friend.

Also, are your parents clear on what looking after a 16 month old for 2 weeks will be like? Both sets of grandparents had completely forgotten how hard it is looking after a toddler, compared to a baby. Especially hard if the toddler isn't sleeping through the night either!

I think your compromise is a great idea. If you did go for the whole two weeks your DS would be fine I'm sure, but I can't imagine you'd enjoy it. I left my DS for a few days when he was a tiny baby and absolutely hated it, and still regret it even though he was fine. I work full time and he is 11 now, and if I'm honest I still find it hard to be away from him for more than a day at a time.

CodenameVillanelle eh???

How could you possibly be sure about that? It is very, very inadvisable from an attachment point of view. Even the compromise week would be too long.

Don't wish to out myself, so will be vague, but I'm professionally qualified in a relevant area, not an armchair psychologist. I wouldn't do it to my own child in a million years. Just not worth it.

Totally get where you're coming from I couldn't do it, think I possibly did an overnight at that stage but that would have been the max!

However now they are older and would understand, I could do it (though grandparents are realistically too old to have them for more than a weekend).

When I was about 18 months my parents went to the US and left me with my grandparents. It was work related, not a jolly. Anyway I was fine, my mother wasn't! They came back early, after about 5 days.

I feel like to be the best parent you need to be the best version of yourself;

I’ve heard this before.....and it’s always in relation to someone wanting to do something that’s in their interest but manifestly not that of their child. To be the best parent you need to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. Full stop. Do we all manage to be “best parent” 24/7? Of course not; we’re all only human. Sometimes we all need to do things because - well - we want to do them and it pleases us to do so. But don’t kid yourself that it’s for your child’s benefit.

Agree with others. I don’t think it’s realistic. My youngest is 15 months so about that age. He’s been overnight with my dh without me and I’ll be away for 2 nights next month with our older dc, but he’s still been in our home and with dh. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving him with anyone else until he’s much older (2-3) and then for a weekend at most. I’ve been away for a week or two when my eldest was little but again she was at home with my dh.

I’m back to work and work 12-13 hour days. I left the house before my dc were even awake this morning and won’t get home til bedtime. It’s totally different going away for weeks at a time.

I would see if you can re-book for when your ds is 4 ish or older (unless you plan to have more). At that age, a couple weeks with grandparents will be a fun treat and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your trip.

I think I’m quite relaxed when it comes to things like this but no way would I leave a 16 month old without either of his parents for two weeks. I think a week is also too long - unless perhaps your parents have very regular contact - perhaps daily - with your son now. The most we did was leave our 18 month old for two nights, and my parents came to our house to look after her. We also phoned every day to talk to her.

If your son is only 8 weeks old then reality may not have hit your DH yet. Once your son has called him Daddy for the first time he will probably change his mind about being away for two weeks.

I'm really sorry, but any man pushing a woman who is only 8 weeks post-partum to leave her child for two weeks for 'couple time' is acting like a huge bellend. And I travel without my child regularly. The absolute key is that will come a time when you want to do it and feel that your child will cope with it. Whether that's 16 weeks, 16 months or 16 years is fine - but someone pushing you to do it before you're ready is being a total shit-head, imo.

DH and I did this when DD2 was 15 months. We went to Australia and took DD1 who was 3 with us. DD2 stayed with both sets of grandparents in our home, they swapped over every 2-3 days. Her routine didn't change and there were no apparent issues, she was perfectly happy when we were away as she was well looked after, loved and had plenty of cuddles. It maybe helped that she was a very easygoing baby and we had no trouble making the decision. I doubt we would have done the same with DD1 as she was (still is) much more needy and unsettled when DH or I are not around.

@smallchair out of curiosity had you planned the trip before you had DD2? I just, personally, couldn't imagine going that far or being away for that long from DS.

I’m baffled by why you book a holiday like this whilst pregnant?! Obviously a bit late now but imo this is the sort of thing you get out of your system before you have kids or wait until they are a lot older. I know that’s not very helpful!

I have 3 DC and there isn’t way I could have them for 2 weeks at that age. My youngest is almost 1 and is currently suffering from terrible separation anxiety...I haven’t had a night apart from her yet but 2 weeks I just think would cause her so much confusion and distress no matter how comfortable she was with the person looking after her. My oldest is 10...I wouldn’t wave him for two weeks either tbh. It’s just too long. The compromise you suggest could work but still not something I would consider personally. I would cancel the holiday and plan a little holiday for the three of you.

*Lol, typo...there is no way I could have left them for 2 weeks at that age.

I'd have no problems doing it as we also have a close relationship with the grandparents. I think your suggestion of 1wk alone, 1 wk family holiday is perfect. There is no right or wrong with either choice only what fits right with you

Hell my "baby" is 12 and I wouldn't do this. My problem wouldn't be just the time but the distance and accessibility. If you are needed you won't be able to get home in a hurry, and it is the sort of travel that can have all sorts of dangers and delays. I would be worried about catching something and ending up in hospital so 2 weeks turns into a month. I

I know there are dangers everywhere but as a parent I don't want to add to the dangers. I would go away somewhere in the same country or a short flight but no more.

Don't wish to out myself, so will be vague, but I'm professionally qualified in a relevant area, not an armchair psychologist. I wouldn't do it to my own child in a million years. Just not worth it

So am I. I see small children who have had several change of primary carers form strong and healthy attachments. I understand how attachment difficulties are formed and it is certainly NOT from a short period of separation from primary carers within an otherwise healthy attachment relationship and non-abusive non-neglectful home.
The child may be unhappy, the child may take a while to trust their parents when they return, the child may show some anxious behaviour for some time after the separation. But none of those are 'attachment issues' which are pervasive and deep seated.

@Ginger1982 we made the decision to go when she was 11 months.

I couldn't go away for that long now though, now that they are older (nor do I want to! )

Codename I work with adults, not children. It sounds like the children you work with will have had a very rough start in life, and already be showing obvious and unusual signs of distress.

A significant proportion of adults with mental health problems and/or recurring relationship problems, have attachment issues. They may well not have had the traumatic and disruptive childhood you describe. On the surface, their childhood may have seemed safe and secure. They may well have been able to function well for a long time (and may still be functioning, superficially), but this does not mean that they are not suffering distress. It can be the underlying factor in many issues in relationships with others, as well as anxiety issues.

The scenario the OP describes may well not, on its own, lead to an attachment disorder that is so severe/manifests so obviously, that it is picked up in childhood. As you say, it will depend on the context, and the wider relationship with the parents. However, it does carry the risk of creating issues.

As you rightly point out, in the short term it will cause the child distress, for a period of time that will seem very long to the child. A more robust child may be able to get over this, with time and assuming an otherwise healthy relationship with its parents. A more sensitive child, or one who has less attuned parents, may struggle with this, and may well develop a disorganised attachment which affects them later in life. When working with adults, I suspect it might be surprising, to lay people at least, just how 'little' (objectively speaking), it can take for somebody to be traumatised, often in situations where others may not have been.

I would be really surprised if a loving parent would wish to inflict such distress, both immediate and longer-term, on their child - just for the sake of a holiday. I would imagine the OP's partner, who is the one pushing for the holiday, doesn't understand how the child will experience the absence, either at the time, or possibly in the future.

As you say, there are children who go through far worse. OP's child may be able to able to cope with the separation without suffering lasting damage. But having seen how what are objectively quite trivial events can affect people, there is no way I would take that risk with my own child. It's just not worth it.

I don't disagree with you in the main. I would not have left my toddler for 2 weeks in those circumstances.

The child may be unhappy, stop trusting the parents, be anxious but probably won’t have an attachment disorder?
I don’t think anyone plans their parenting thinking unhappy, anxious and distrustful are just fine as long as there’s no attachment disorder!