I just overheard my MIL b@#ching about my parenting skills

[Lorelei2]

I overheard her say along the lines of she's tried many times to get through to me about controlling my DD but to no avail. (She was saying this to my SIL because she was also talking about me). I was eavesdropping on the stairs. They're visiting us and staying with us in our house and they thought I was in the bathroom with the kids. The other thing to mention is they think my youngest is worse than my eldest and treat her more harshly and they certainly believe I don't discipline her enough. I also overheard how my kids are seemingly well behaved with them but when I return they play up so it's obvious who the problem is (me). I just feel sad that it has been confirmed to me that they think i'm not parenting how I should and it angers me that they are judging me in my own home. I know I was eavesdropping which is bad but my DH went down and told them off when I told him about it. Which I wasn't happy about because now it's so awkward. What was meant to be a happy family holiday is now everyone being fake nice to each other. I do feel for my DD though because it seems she always gets it in the neck from them. They say things like, what's she crying about now? Etc. And, to make matters worse, we have my SIL's DD with us too who's 2 years old and can do no wrong in PIL's eyes. My DD (4) is finding sharing her toys difficult with her cousin and there are many flashpoints. Just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience, being judged and overhearing.

It must be difficult for SIL DC if your DC is not sharing her toys. If she is playing with the toys, fair enough, but I’d the other child gets other toys out, how is your DD then?

LMAO! Kids always behave worse for mum than anyone else, you can't eavesdrop in your own house they're fucking rude.
Tell them to keep their conversations slagging you off inside their own houses. You don't owe them making this comfortable, make them squirm because they've been damn rude

What was meant to be a happy family holiday is now everyone being fake nice to each other

They were being fake nice to you anyway, nothing has changed they've been slagging you off in your house behind your back, thank god DH has the common sense to have told them off.

Of course a 4 yr old is struggling with another younger child wanting her toys, grow a bloody backbone

Kids play up with the ones they are most comfortable with. My dc is an angel at nursery, he’s very much not at home with us. I think you are doing well to be fake polite! Perhaps dh should say to his mum/sister if dd ever gets comfortable with you, you’ll see her naughty side, she only acts out with people she really knows are there for her no matter what , it’s pretty common. A quick google will find a lot of things saying this.
www.google.co.uk/url?sa=i&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwi8rKL93tDhAhVK6RoKHapjBsUQzPwBegQIARAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffpost.com%2Fentry%2Fdoes-your-kid-behave-much_n_8206426&psig=AOvVaw2CGbLc_b60d-4tGkkUp3bk&ust=1555371093137771
But you do need to make sure there are toys for the 2yo, don’t let them be punished for having judgey fartfaced parents. Maybe they can all go out tomorrow and leave you the hell alone, phrased super nicely as ‘I’m sure you’d like to talk about me where you really know I can’t hear, so why don’t you check out x for z few hours byeeee!’

Girlraisedinthesouth I don't know who had the toy first this evening and I should have made my DD give it to my niece. I guess I get defensive about my DD because I believe she gets the telling off all the time. There have been other occasions where my
DD has given in and let her have it and treated her fairly.

Your DD should not have to relinquish a toy just because your DN wants it. I wondered if she was taking toys off DN, which wouldn’t be fair, IMO.

Of course your four year old finds people invading her house and using her toys difficult. (I have 5 kind older children and I can assure you that’s totally normal). Find a box of toys she wants to share (do it together) and put the rest up in her room.
Just be bright and breezy, address it head on with “this is awkward but we need to get past it, so don’t be rude about me or mine in my house and it will healin time” if you have to.
How VERY I’ll mannered they are.

Please don't start chastising your 4 year old unless she is being unpleasant as it is stressful at that age having people in your house and wanting your toys, especially if your mums on edge because she's being judged for her 4 year old behaving like a 4 year old.

Follow DHs lead on this, he knows them better than you do

Firstly (I'm really sorry about this) but posts with swears blanked out (like your title) REALLY annoy me. There are LOTS of words out there. If you don't want to make a swear, use some of them. If you're going to swear (spoiler... we all know the word you were thinking) then just do it. It's allowed... we're all grown ups!

bitching, people. She was saying BITCHING!!!- (sorry, I know that's unhelpful!)

Ok. So.. It's absolutely HORRID of people to slag you off in your own house. This happened to me in March. I was LIVID.. I'd cleaned the whole fucking place, put clean bedding on their and their DC's beds, brought lovely food and treats and then listened to them moan about me. I wanted to ask them to leave! (but I also knew they weren't knowingly be malicious).

It's LOVELY your DH stepped up. Most posts on here on this kind of theme don't have that support, so bonus points to him.

Agree with a PP who says send them out tomorrow without you.

Also agree with most PPs who point out a 4 yr old is very different to a 2 yr old and frequently finds sharing very difficult. I like the idea of getting your 4 yr old to help put some toys "out" and some "away"

Buuuuuut there's a teeny-tiny corner of me which is kind-of thinking... do you need to look at what they're saying and examine if there's any truth in there? I'd ask your DH, because he seems quite switched on.j

The relationship between your DC and your SIL's should be lovely and encouraged. Family is important, I think. So that means supporting the good bits, encouraging others to minimise the bad bits. Deciding what to ignore.

Try and be the grown up here!

I'm having a chuckle at your DD not sharing her toys! I'm currently doing a child psychology module as part of my university degree and a child of 4 can find it very difficult to share due to a specific part of their brain still not fully developed.

The text book explains that a child up to the age of 4 can be very possessive with their toys and even delight in the misery they cause by not sharing 😂😂😂 It is a completely normal part of childhood development, your DD is not a bad or difficult or poorly disciplined. You should Google about it and make them read it! It's actually quite fascinating

Wow just wow that's not only fucking cheeky but downright disrespectful to do it in your own home! never mind eavesdropping its your house and they should respect that and hold their tongues! Good on your DH for telling them about time we had a story where a man defends his wife. If it were me this happened to I would smile nicely and suggest they pack their bags and fuck off at the earliest opportunity back to their own homes and continue with their perfect lives and perfect children and are welcome back to your home once they A) Apologise for their horrible behaviour and B) when they treat your children with the same love and care as their other grandchildren if they can't then fuck them! god it seriously pisses me off when I see others judging someone's parenting like their kids are perfectly delightful.

Failing that you could always use the remainder of their visit to make these two nasty bitches squirm by being nice and making them tea (I once added some dishwater into someone's tea for utter cuntish behaviour which this warrants nothing like a nasty taste for a nasty person) and make your DD share her toys and tell her you'll buy her a new one if she does this once they leave I bet she'd be happy to share then and show them they're wrong LOL

MitziTheTabbyIsMyOverlord I agree I should examine if there is an issue. Sometimes I might not chastise my DD enough but I pick my battles at this age. Maybe I shouldn't though and discipline her more consistently. I think my PIL are old school discipline whereas I was brought up by a mum who was more my friend as well. It's a difference in parenting style. I sometimes wonder if I'm failing but my DH says i'm not and my kids are well adjusted. I don't want to have to come down hard just because my PIL think that's how it should be.

I have no advice I’m afraid but just to say you are not alone . My in-laws are great but my own parents visits’ are beyond stressful for the same reasons. There is always something we are doing wrong and I often hear them bitching about us. I have no idea what the answer is so will be reading this with interest. I totally get why you are upset your DH said something. I never confront my parents as I try so hard to keep the peace.

Just to add my DH said he was fed up with it too as they'd been complaining to him about my DD's behaviour and he'd had enough as he also believes our kids aren't that bad at all.

I've had to deal with my DD today not sharing with her cousin and it's not pretty. I still think my PIL and SIL are thinking badly of my kids and my way of dealing with things. I talked to my DD to get her to understand that her cousin is younger than her and it's important to be the big cousin and be nice. I guess it's just my DD is showing me up and my SIL's 2 year old can do no wrong, but that's because she's 2 and hasn't reached 4 yet. I'm going to research sharing techniques for 4 year olds. I hate my DD going through torment when her baby cousin couldn't care less, but, you know, 'it's important that she learns to share everything'

I hope you dont have them to stay again. They are rude

Yeah, sorry but screw them; I’d be tempted to ask them to leave. Their manners are appalling and they do not have the excuse of being four! How ironic that they think your dd needs to learn better behaviour.

You are on the moral high ground. Try to take reassurance from that. Your relationship with your child is way more important than your relationship with them; as she grows she will need to know that you have her back, so don’t go against your parenting instincts just because they’ve judged you.

My DD has been put to bed without any stories, cuddles, etc. Because she wouldn't give her cousin a plastic teapot in the bath. She screamed blue murder and I ignored her because I feel so conflicted. Everyone around me thinks I don't discipline enough and so I didn't want more criticism and I wonder whether I do know best, maybe I don't. So I feel like I pretty much want to kill myself. My poor DD is suffering and everyone around me thinks she is an absolute nightmare and I can't even stand up for her. I'm putting on a fake smile and my only consolation is writing on here.

Your poor DD. How much longer is her cousin staying for? It sounds like a pretty stressful environment for you and her and I suspect she is feeling ganged up on and that is making her act out more. Can you take her out tomorrow, just the two of you and give her a chance to decompress?

She's staying til the end of the weekend. It's very precious time though because we don't get to see the family because of living on different continents. It's also my MIL 's 70th so everything has to go swimmingly. We'll no doubt be going out for a big meal etc. Feel like everyone expects my DD to just suck it up.

You need a break from this. Get out for a bit, just you and Dd. Make some excuses like needing milk or something and take dome time at the park or a cafe or something.
It all sounds very pressurised and your ILs need to wind their necks in.
You sound as though you’re doing a good job op. They’ll be off after this stay and you can return to normal family life.

It is so stressful. I agree with the others. Get out for a bit with her.

Why no stories or cuddles?

She was screaming so much from the tantrum that it was her punishment for not giving her cousin the teapot. I feel really shitty about it, and so weak. Everyone is cooing over her cousin and making sure she is happy all the time. Even I have had so much shit that I'm 'playing ' along and pretending that the sun shines out her arse because I'm slowly going insane.

Oh my goodness, poor you. And poor dd. Thank goodness your dh stuck up for you. Of course your dd is "not that bad". She sounds like a normal healthy 4 year old, and you sound like a lovely mum.

Yy to carving out some time for you and dd to get through the next week and to take the pressure off a bit. The weather is going to be lovely, so head off for a walk, just the two of you, every now and then, before the pressure builds up in the house. Tomorrow, put some of her toys out of the way either to keep them safe or to offer as a distraction. "Does the baby want your teapot? Here you are, here's another toy for you to use"

Do separate baths for them, so that she doesn't have to share in the bath, or fill the flaming bath with lots of toys - empty yoghurt pots are fine.

Give her lots of cuddles, and praise her lots and lots for every nice thing that she does. If she is getting grizzly, finding it hard having people in her space, whisk her away for 5 minutes, with a quick whisper "Hey dd, whilst X plays with that, come and see what I have got in the kitchen. You can be my special helper and bring the biscuits in/put the packets away/help me to open the cupboard/whatever."

Best of luck