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Parenting

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Original poster

I just overheard my MIL b@#ching about my parenting skills

59 replies

Lorelei2 · 15/04/2019 00:25

I overheard her say along the lines of she's tried many times to get through to me about controlling my DD but to no avail. (She was saying this to my SIL because she was also talking about me). I was eavesdropping on the stairs. They're visiting us and staying with us in our house and they thought I was in the bathroom with the kids. The other thing to mention is they think my youngest is worse than my eldest and treat her more harshly and they certainly believe I don't discipline her enough. I also overheard how my kids are seemingly well behaved with them but when I return they play up so it's obvious who the problem is (me). I just feel sad that it has been confirmed to me that they think i'm not parenting how I should and it angers me that they are judging me in my own home. I know I was eavesdropping which is bad but my DH went down and told them off when I told him about it. Which I wasn't happy about because now it's so awkward. What was meant to be a happy family holiday is now everyone being fake nice to each other. I do feel for my DD though because it seems she always gets it in the neck from them. They say things like, what's she crying about now? Etc. And, to make matters worse, we have my SIL's DD with us too who's 2 years old and can do no wrong in PIL's eyes. My DD (4) is finding sharing her toys difficult with her cousin and there are many flashpoints. Just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience, being judged and overhearing.

OP posts:

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FaithInfinity · 15/04/2019 22:39

Oh no no no! You chose your discipline methods but please don’t take away stories or cuddles, especially since I don’t think how you want to parent. At 4, it’s much easier and more effective to discipline in the moment...so if she won’t share the tea pot you take it off her and neither of them get it.

My DD is very close in age to her cousin (less than a year), she is older. To start with when he came round, she would say No (Cousin’s name), that’s mine about every single toy he tried to play with! Through gentle reinforcement We have to learn to share she has learnt to share with him. I would suggest for the remainder of their visit you see if there’s any precious toys she’d like to keep out of reach, so she feels like she has some control of the situation? Once they’ve gone, I’d recommend looking at 1,2,3 magic by Thomas Phelan, it’s helped us parenting DD (6), who is wonderful but very strong willed, it’s helped me gain control of myself and help her to calm down when she gets riled up.

Heartofglass12345 · 15/04/2019 23:16

Your poor daughter! So the 2yr old wanted the teapot, was your daughter already playing with it? In my house (2 boys 5&3), if this is happening we say 'joe bloggs is playing with it at the moment you will have to wait your turn'
Turn taking is much more important to learn than just being given things because you are younger, what is that teaching your niece?!
Maybe do something alone with your daughter tomorrow even if it's just for half an hour. Explain to her you know she's finding things difficult with her cousin here and that you love her and will look out for her. And that you can all look forward to them going home soon

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/04/2019 23:33

I think tomorrow getting DD to choose toys to share 'with the baby' would be a good idea and let her put away things she doesn't want to share. We can't really say from a forum if you are too soft with her, I imagine if you are feeling MIL and SIL are constantly telling her off that you may be compensating. If you and DH are happy then that should be enough for everyone and has been said she is only 4 and you are wise to pick your battles. You have to decide what is important to you, particularly what is necessary for safety - crossing roads properly is non-negotîable, wearing odd socks doesn't matter.

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Original poster

Lorelei2 · 15/04/2019 23:39

Thank you all. I'm going to get on her side tomorrow and remember she's still only 4 even if nobody else does. She's mine and is more important than my niece. I think it's just that my SIL only has 1 child, works a lot, lives in Manhattan, has a nanny so tends to spoil her DD because she doesn't know how to deal with her otherwise. I need to get the paranoia out my head that they all think I'm doing a poor job parenting and just get on with looking after my kids my way. I think it's because, as a DIL I'm predisposed to trying so hard to impress my PIL and be a great wife to their DS. Why am I so scared to disappoint? Or why am I worried about what they think? Questions I need to ask myself.

OP posts:

Someoneonlyyouknow · 15/04/2019 23:45

I meant to say also that they were very rude to discuss your parenting in your house where you (or DH or DC) could overhear. You may want to capitalise on their embarrassment quickly because it probably won't last!
On a side note, my DS and his cousin never got along despite (or perhaps because) there is only a few months between them. They are both younger/youngest child. I'm sure my sister would have thought my DS should have shared more because he was the elder (and probably thought he was spoilt). I thought my nephew was over-indulged because his brother was a lot older and my DS didn't see why he should have to defer to his younger cousin (he accepted being bossed about by his older sisters).
I think it is lovely if cousins are close but if they have little in common that may not happen. If your DS is always told to be nicer to her younger cousin she is always going to resent her.

Womanland · 15/04/2019 23:47

Don't let them make you doubt yourself. And when a four year old is tantrumming they NEED a cuddle. For the rest of the stay stick to your instincts and parent the way you would normally. Who gives a shit what these judgemental arseholes think. THEY have grown up to be the kind of dicks that avail of your hospitality whilst slagging you off in your own home..... Do you really think they have the right to pontificate about behaviour??? Don't let your girl down. Have a chat with her tomorrow and apologise to her. Say you've had a think and you made a mistake and you should have cuddled her before bed because you love her very much and you know that she tried hard to share.

Any more of their shite and get the in-laws to fuck.

Spudina · 15/04/2019 23:50

OP, maybe you need to get out the house and parent in neutral ground for a bit over the next few days. My kids weren't good at sharing at that age and it caused bickering. But at parks and soft play etc where no one owns toys, they were better.

Spudina · 15/04/2019 23:51

PS you sound lovely and your MIL is beyond rude.

Singlenotsingle · 15/04/2019 23:52

My 4yo dgs grumbled, "I don't like that word called 'share' ". None of them do. It's perfectly natural.

MrsBertBibby · 16/04/2019 05:46

Do your in laws share everything with you? Would they hand over their jewellery or makeup or clothes or devices because you grabbed for them? No? Why on earth not?

7yo7yo · 16/04/2019 06:14

They sound awful.
Make sure this is the last time they stay.
Maybe make pointed comments every time the 2 year old cries about ruining the child.
I’m glad your DH has your back.
Don’t let them undermine your parenting, the fuckers.
And yes if you can go out with just your DC, do so. You need he break.

Whoops75 · 16/04/2019 06:24

In the morning let dd pick a basket of toys she will share with her cousin then put the rest away.

It’s her house so she should have some power/ control over what happens.

Di11y · 16/04/2019 06:29

I think the thing with sharing is "please can I have that when you're finished with it"

And unless she take the Mick, checking if there are any precious toys she'd like to go away for the duration.

And I taught my eldest to find a suitable swap if the little one had something dd1 didn't want her to have. doesn't want her to have the teapot? don't snatch it back, first find something else that's fun and see if she'll willingly give it up.

and in my book cuddles before bed are a must and withdrawing affection when her home has been invaded isn't going to help.

TheNavigator · 16/04/2019 06:31

Honestly, my oldest was a nightmare for sharing at 4, you would think I'd raised a demon. She is now a super impressive, highly qualified professional respected by all. Do not let them demonise a small child for feeling like a small child. Stand up for your DD! Her behaviour is well within the range of normal and they are trying to make out she is 'bad'. She isn't. She is 4 and not used to having a smaller child around getting all the attention.

Seahorseshoe · 16/04/2019 06:35

I know, when something like this happens, that it's immediately shocking - my temptation would be to confront at the time of hearing it. It's out in the open and can be discussed, don't let this fester. Tell them what you heard, in a calm way, or it will eat away at you and make you bitter and resentful. I also know this is easier said than done.

They need to know that you know this. Good luck op.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/04/2019 06:40

I'd have asked them to leave

Morgan12 · 16/04/2019 06:47

Why haven't they been asked to leave?

Your daughter comes first. She is being treated like shit in her own home and they have been bitching about you. Honestly I'd be telling DH they have to leave. Fuck that.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/04/2019 07:00

They think SIL dd is a perfect child. They are wrong. You know they are wrong.
They think you are not a good disciplinarian and your DD is spoiled. They are wrong. You know they are wrong. Your DH stands up for you and tells them they are wrong and you are a good mother and your DD is just what a 4-year-old should be.
They are wrong-thinking, rude, pencil heads and you are a gracious and tolerant hostess. Tell yourself this and get through this visit and then NEVER let them visit in your home again.

CrumpetyTea · 16/04/2019 07:14

People disagree with other peoples parenting styles the whole time. That happens and you have to live with it - not everyone will agree with the way you do something. I don't think your in laws are being dishonest/slagging you off behind your back as it is only what they have said to you and your DH.
You do seem very sensitive to it- is it a sore point in anyway- do you think DD2 is more badly behaved? it can spiral sometimes- a child is badly behaved so gets more telling off by others and then the mother feels protective and (maybe) spoils the child more and the child becomes worse. You need to work out what you think is appropriate and act consistently not changing in either direction because of what they say.

Shiraznowplease · 16/04/2019 09:22

Think the in laws need to find a hotel to give you all space and just meet-up for activities. I get on with my but all living on top of each other (even for the short term) would fray even the most patient person’s nerve

fargo123 · 16/04/2019 10:38

I'd have chucked the in-laws out immediately upon hearing their crap.

Accepting your hospitality and then backstabbing you and criticising your child? No. Just no. They need to go. Today.

TooStressyTooMessy · 16/04/2019 11:55

OP your last post really resonated with me, when you talk about being paranoid they think you are doing a bad job, trying to impress them and caring what they think.

I feel exactly the same about my parents and can’t for the life of me figure out how to get a handle on it.

It’s ridiculous as Crumpety says, people disagree all the time about parenting. The one thing you can be sure of is someone will think you are doing it wrong . Perhaps we need to remind ourselves of this constantly!

Original poster

Lorelei2 · 16/04/2019 15:27

Thanks to all for all your messages. It's really helped me through this. Today I have been on my DD's side. I've not spoiled her but understood more when she gets upset and why, because niece is receiving something, attention or a specific toy. I think DH has had to word with his dad because grandad has been more attentive to my DD today than yesterday. He's played more with her and not left her out, which has really helped because, even though as adults we may not get on with inlaws kids always love their grandparents and want their attention. My SIL has also had a couple of little pressies delivered for my DC so my DD feels she has something really special which her brother has and her cousin has one too. I'm watching her grip this little drawing pad thingy so tightly and she's so pleased. It's funny how kids change when things go their way, according to them!

OP posts:

KittyInTheCradle · 16/04/2019 16:43

Aww that's cute about the little present!

I agree with a previous poster who says if kids are having trouble sharing and having a strop the best thing is to take it off them until they will 'play nicely'. No more discipline needed than that imo!

The idea about 'lets choose toys we can play with with baby' is also a good idea. She might like the idea of being bigger and finding small baby things babies might like to play with.

Other than that sounds like a nightmare! I'd be really upset if I overheard that. Well you'll all be relieved when they go back home and you can all resume normal life!!

ThunderThighs123 · 16/04/2019 18:57

This too will pass. Agree with the other replies. Kids play mum up because they feel totally accepted and relaxed. It’s a subtle compliment! Give your husband a big kiss for having the guts to stand up for his family!

Also make alternative plans for future family gatherings...!

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